Beast - Chapter 1
Sunlight crept into the room, trailing patterns of warm yellow light slowly across a floor littered with skirts and blouses. Eventually it reached the bed, where it touched the blankets, and, progressing further, began to stroke gentle tendrils over the curtain of chestnut-brown hair that was splayed across the stark white pillowcase it rested upon. It reached the face-young and round, and distinctively feminine. There were hints of strength in the chin, and the eyebrows were a bit masculine, as it were, but anyone who looked at the young beauty would see only a girl. Fair skin, pale and with a hint of natural blush in the cheeks, slowly came into sharper relief as the night’s chill was banished by the sun’s warm, welcoming rays.
On the side table beside the twin-sized bed, the small white alarm clock clicked a minute closer to seven a.m. Sunlight continued to fill the room, highlighting pale lilac walls and dark maple furniture-a dresser and a bureau with an ornate mirror. There were personal pictures on the walls of young women-teenage girls, really-with their arms around one another’s shoulders. One girl in particular had long chestnut hair and a bright, wide smile. Her green eyes, their pupils ringed with hazel, were shadowed in comparison.
The alarm clock began to trill shrilly as the minutes turned to a new hour. An arm snaked out from under the thick lavender comforter, slender fingers pressing down harshly on the snooze button in response. Obviously, someone didn’t want to wake up just yet. A soft groan sounded from under the blankets, and the hand dropped limply over the side of the bed.
“Julia!” A woman’s voice filtered into the room, muffled by the walls and the door. “Julia, sweetheart, it’s time to get up. You don’t want to be late for the bus. I made waffles.”
The promise of waffles was enough to rouse the sleeping teenager into a more alert state of wakefulness. Upon sitting, the blanket slid down to reveal a pale, flat chest and skinny arms. Hazy, sleep-clogged green eyes blinked open, wide and vulnerable in such a relaxed state. They would sharpen soon enough.
“Coming, mother,” he called softly. His voice was low and sweet, like a dove’s song. Everything about him spoke of feminine touches, and yet there were definite masculine traits as well. Crawling out of bed and standing, he looked around his room at the clutter, at everything he owned, the same way he did every morning. With a quiet sigh, he bit his lip and began to dress himself.
Judas Connor Esban was not a girl. No one besides he, his mother, and his father knew that, though-excusing the doctor and nurses who helped to birth him, of course. To the rest of the world, he was Julia Marie Esban, because that was how his mother wanted it. And because his mother wanted it that way and Judas was a good son, that was how it was.
Pulling on a specially padded bra, he looked through his walk-in closet for a blouse. His mother was old-fashioned, meaning that he didn’t own a single pair of jeans, a t-shirt, or even a skirt that was shorter than knee-length. What clothes he did have, however, he at least had plenty variety of. Choosing a floor-length skirt that was made of a flowy copper material, he paired it with a cream-colored blouse with an intricately designed flower that almost looked like it had been painted onto the fabric. The outfit was simple, and yet elegant, so his mother would hopefully approve of it.
With that thought in mind, Judas pulled the shirt over his head and let the soft cotton settle comfortably against his skin. His waist-length hair was trapped underneath it, so he dragged it out and let it fall in a tumble of shimmering waves to rest against his back.
“Julia,” his mother called again while he was running a brush through his hair to smooth out the tangles, “are you coming, sweetie?”
“Yes, mother,” he promised dutifully as he stepped into his skirt and slid it up until the elastic snapped into place around his hips. Stepping back so he could see himself in his mirror, he turned this way and that, looking over everything with a critical eye, before he finally nodded in satisfaction. Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes and let Judas slip away; becoming the Julia his mother had always treated him as.
A plate of waffles was waiting for him when he stepped into the kitchen. Smiling with gloss-shiny lips, he sat himself the way every young, proper lady should sit and tucked his legs against the rung of his chair. His skirt settled around him, almost seeming to float for a brief moment before drifting down to rest against his thighs and calves.
“This looks wonderful, mother,” he said sweetly as he picked up his fork. “Thank you. I’m sure it will be as delicious as always.”
Lily Esban kissed the top of his head and smiled down at him. One would almost think there was nothing unnatural about it, if they didn’t pay too close attention to the flatness of her blue eyes. Judas saw it, though. He always paid attention. “Thank you, Julia. Eat up; the bus will be here soon. You can’t be late for school.”
“Yes, mother.” Cutting into his waffles with his fork and knife-the proper way-he gathered a dainty, syrup-soaked bite and let his full lips close around the hot food. It was delicious, just like he’d hoped it would be. That meant that his mother was having a good day, and for that he was grateful.
Even eating properly with slow, careful bites, he was still finished with time to spare. Even so, Judas decided to go and wait for the bus early. Picking up his backpack off of the desk chair, he swung it over his shoulder and relaxed at the familiar weight. It was heavy from the weight of his books, but not so heavy as to be uncomfortable or merciless. After so many years, he was used to it. He kissed his mother on the cheek, saying a soft farewell, and then headed for the front door to slip into his sandals. No one ever wore shoes in his mother’s house. They always came off just inside the door, and were placed neatly on the mat there.
“I love you, mother,” he threw over his shoulder as he tied the Grecian-like sandals. Standing up, he adjusted his backpack and opened the door to leave. “I’ll see you after you get home from work.”
“Have a good day, Julia.” His mother smiled at him, warm but still somewhat empty, and he returned the smile with a similar one. Then he was out the door and closing it quietly behind him, burying every ounce of the hurt he felt every time his mother didn’t call him Judas. Not that Judas was that great of a name anyway, really.
After all, Judas had been the one to betray Jesus-just like he had betrayed his mother when he hadn’t turned out to be the little girl she’d always wanted.
There was no one at the bus stop when he arrived, so there was no one to see him wipe at his eyes to get rid of the tears that had gathered heavily in the corners of them. Lip gloss was the only make-up his mother allowed him to wear, so it wasn’t like he had to worry about smudging any mascara, or eye-liner, or eye shadow. “Calm down, Ju,” he mumbled to himself. “Can’t have you breaking down when it isn’t even eight in the morning.”
“Talking to yourself again, Juliette?” The familiar voice, carried to him by the wind, made him look over at the approaching teenager. It was Randy Asher, a junior who was a year above him. A blush turned his cheeks rosy, so he had to turn away to hide his reaction at the sight of the other student. He’d had a crush on Randy since the first time he’d seen the black-haired jock. The junior was everything that he wasn’t. He was strong, and athletic, and popular. Not that popularity was Judas’ big goal-really, he didn’t care either way, but he would rather no one found out about his secret. Randy, though… Randy was cool. He was handsome, and nice, and the only one who was allowed to call him Juliette. To everyone else, he was Julia-smart, timid, and shy freshman Julia.
“Don’t I always?” Judas replied playfully. He managed to keep his soft voice full of amusement, instead of the mild panic he always felt when in the presence of his crush. Here, he was just as much Julia as he was at home, and just like the Julia he was supposed to be, he liked boys. It was normal for Julia to like boys, it was expected, but if anyone ever found out the truth, then there would still be very severe consequences.
He was only six when he realized that he would never be attracted to the opposite sex. Back then, it had been easier to hide the fact that he was a boy. He’d always been his mother’s little girl, for as long as he could remember, but when he started to go through puberty, they’d had to get creative to keep the fabrication a reality.
“Only when you’re being extra crazy.” Randy threw an arm casually over his shoulders and rocked them back and forth on their feet. It was a decidedly friendly gesture, but it didn’t stop Judas from blushing profusely.
“Stop it,” he giggled, shoving at the bigger, stronger boy. “You’re going to make me fall over. My backpack is so heavy.” It was a lie, of course, but it was his way of flirting. It was the only way for him to get away with it. Randy was straight, after all, and he… well, he wasn’t. It was all a lie, but he couldn’t afford to tell the truth.
Why not? a voice whispered in his head. It sounded familiar, but it wasn’t his own. It made him pause for a moment, confused, and he looked around as if that would reveal the source of the comment. It didn’t, of course, and he blinked a few times. Maybe he was finally losing his mind.
“Juliette?”
His nickname made him look back at Randy. The junior was watching him with obvious concern, a frown marring his gorgeous face. “Are you okay?” the older teenager asked. “You zoned out there for a minute, and you went kind of pale. Is everything alright?”
“Yeah,” Judas said quietly. “I just thought… I don’t know. Don’t worry about it, though. It wasn’t anything. Look, I see the bus.” It wasn’t exactly a lie. The canary-yellow bus was slowly making its way up the street towards them. He knew from experience that it was already full of students. As soon as they climbed aboard, Randy would slip away to go and sit with his friends, and Judas would sit alone at the front. After all, Randy was popular, and a jock. Judas wasn’t anywhere close to his level.
Before the bus stopped, the other teenager leaned closer. His breath was warm on Judas’ ear. “You look pretty today,” he whispered. Then he vanished up the steps and into the bustle of the rowdy bus, leaving Judas to follow in a silent daze. He watched the basketball player sit down, already involved in a conversation with a pretty redheaded cheerleader, before taking his own seat and looking out the window. He felt an odd sensation in his chest, like some kind of fluttery feeling he couldn’t name. Breathing deeply, he closed his eyes and tried to block out the sounds of the loud highschool students around him. Something told him that today was going to be a very long day.
He wasn’t wrong. By the third period, which was Science, Judas was ready to go home. He couldn’t even remember his first or second classes, which were Algebra and Spanish. He barely remembered if he had homework or not in either of those classes. Thankfully, Science was almost over now. He was ready for his Study Hall period, so he could read and calm himself down into a better state of mind more conductive to learning. All morning, the fluttering feeling in his chest had persisted, and now it had spread to his abdomen. It was making him jumpy and paranoid.
“Miss Esban, I would like it if you would at least pretend to pay attention in my class.” Mrs. Taylor’s voice rang out over the erupting snickers as others turned to look at him. Blushing, he looked down at his desk to avoid their judgmental smirks.
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Taylor. What did you ask me?” His cheeks burned, probably turning bright red from his embarrassment.
“I asked you for the answer to question number three on last night’s homework. Please tell me that you didn’t forget that as well.” The teacher’s voice was sharp and reprimanding.
“No, ma’am,” he replied meekly. Still burning from his shame, he opened his notebook and turned to the correct pages. His neat, pretty handwriting seemed to mock him as he read over the question quickly. Licking his strawberry-flavored lips, he looked up to deliver the proper answer. “According to Newton’s second law, an object’s mass, which is m, when compared to the applied force, f, and acceleration, a, is F=ma.” He knew about Newton’s laws well enough, so he hadn’t even needed to read anything out of the textbook to come up with the answers he had written down.
Mrs. Taylor, who was an elderly woman who could be as mean as a cougar, cracked a genuine smile at him. “Very good, Julia. Thank you. Now, can anyone tell me what Newton’s second law means?”
Letting his mind wander, Judas turned to look out of the window he always sat beside. It showed a perfect view of Cedar Falls High School’s courtyard. The school wasn’t very big, but it was surprisingly well known-maybe because of its sports teams. It was built in the middle of the town of Cedar Falls, on the outskirts of the city of Windsor. The town was small, with a small population. The main industries were furniture making and logging, neither of which really appealed to Judas in the least.
The bell rang, startling him out of his thoughts, and he gathered his things up quickly but efficiently and shuffled his way out of the room amidst the throng of his fellow students, letting the flow carry him out into the hallway, where he bumped into Randy. Surprised, he stumbled and almost fell, but quick thinking from the junior kept him from going sprawling.
“Oh, hey, Julia. You okay? Did I hurt you?”
“I’m fine,” he mumbled, trying to ignore the tingling of his bicep where the basketball player’s hand still rested. Swallowing, he licked at his lips again, a nervous habit, and looked away. “I have to get to my next class, or I’ll be late.”
“Are you sure you’re okay, Juliette? You’ve been acting a little strange today.” A warm palm cupped his cheek, turning his head back so he could stare into concerned blue eyes. His breath froze in his throat, his own eyes going as wide as saucers. For a moment, he was robbed of speech, unable to do anything but look at Randy. There was something in the older student’s expression that he couldn’t name, but it both terrified and thrilled him.
“I have to get to class,” Judas finally whispered, stepping back quickly, and then he all but ran to his next class, leaving Randy standing in the hallway watching him go with that same expression on his face.