What makes you jealous?
“There is no greater glory than love, nor any greater punishment than jealousy.” Lope de Vega
What make me jealous?
I don’t know where to start. So many things.
When I was little I always wanted a Dad, just like all the other kids. My Dad died when I was six months old and I never got to know him, I didn’t remember him. I remember going to the park and watching all the kids with their parents, their fathers pushing them on the swings and I wanted to be them. Mom used to tell me so many stories about him, but they weren’t him. They weren’t my Dad.
That’s just the beginning.
Right now I could list so many things that make me jealous.
That feeling in the back of my mind that Jack and the Doctor were hiding something from me, there were these little looks and comments and jokes that I just could never understand because they were personal. It was a feeling that there was something going on between them, something more than friendship, but then Jack flirted with everyone and the Doctor, well, he had me.
But then I wasn’t good enough.
I found that out later on when he met her.
Jeanne-Antoinette Poisson. Madame de Pompadour. The moment she entered our lives I stopped existing to the Doctor. She stole his hearts in a few short hours and almost stole him from me. There, on that ship with Mickey making joke I felt so…I don’t know what the words are, but I suppose I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I loved him and all he could see was her. That French woman who…
I felt so sick inside, the way he looked when he mentioned her name, how he was willing to give up everything for her. Including me, including his TARDIS. Never have I felt so worthless in my life, she could see how I loved him, how much he meant to me. But I was invisible, just a girl who tagged along for the ride. How could he forget me? How could he?
Five and a half hours, I stood there for five and a half hours waiting and I was so happy to see that he had come back and all he wanted, all he did ,was run back to that fire place and tell her to pack, he wanted her to come with us. This woman he loved, he wanted her to see the stars and…replace me.
Part of me wonders that if she had come would he have dropped Mickey and me off back in London and tootled off around Time and Space with her. It was all her and I…I went from being his leading lady to just a bit player. I wonder if he knew how much he hurt me that day…I wonder if he ever will.
Now…Now I am jealous of every person who looks at him, every person who hears his voice and sees him smile. Every hand he holds and every adventure he has with someone else. I’m jealous of everyone who gets to do anything with him when I can’t.
See. I love this man, this Doctor, this Timelord. I love him and I can’t be with him because he is in an alternative Earth to this one. I…I would give up everything to see and be with him, I love him that much. So this jealousy, it burns deep within.
What make me jealous?
I don’t know where to start. So many things.
When I was little I always wanted a Dad, just like all the other kids. My Dad died when I was six months old and I never got to know him, I didn’t remember him. I remember going to the park and watching all the kids with their parents, their fathers pushing them on the swings and I wanted to be them. Mom used to tell me so many stories about him, but they weren’t him. They weren’t my Dad.
That’s just the beginning.
Right now I could list so many things that make me jealous.
That feeling in the back of my mind that Jack and the Doctor were hiding something from me, there were these little looks and comments and jokes that I just could never understand because they were personal. It was a feeling that there was something going on between them, something more than friendship, but then Jack flirted with everyone and the Doctor, well, he had me.
But then I wasn’t good enough.
I found that out later on when he met her.
Jeanne-Antoinette Poisson. Madame de Pompadour. The moment she entered our lives I stopped existing to the Doctor. She stole his hearts in a few short hours and almost stole him from me. There, on that ship with Mickey making joke I felt so…I don’t know what the words are, but I suppose I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I loved him and all he could see was her. That French woman who…
I felt so sick inside, the way he looked when he mentioned her name, how he was willing to give up everything for her. Including me, including his TARDIS. Never have I felt so worthless in my life, she could see how I loved him, how much he meant to me. But I was invisible, just a girl who tagged along for the ride. How could he forget me? How could he?
Five and a half hours, I stood there for five and a half hours waiting and I was so happy to see that he had come back and all he wanted, all he did ,was run back to that fire place and tell her to pack, he wanted her to come with us. This woman he loved, he wanted her to see the stars and…replace me.
Part of me wonders that if she had come would he have dropped Mickey and me off back in London and tootled off around Time and Space with her. It was all her and I…I went from being his leading lady to just a bit player. I wonder if he knew how much he hurt me that day…I wonder if he ever will.
Now…Now I am jealous of every person who looks at him, every person who hears his voice and sees him smile. Every hand he holds and every adventure he has with someone else. I’m jealous of everyone who gets to do anything with him when I can’t.
See. I love this man, this Doctor, this Timelord. I love him and I can’t be with him because he is in an alternative Earth to this one. I…I would give up everything to see and be with him, I love him that much. So this jealousy, it burns deep within.