*I need to believe, that something extraordinary is possible.- A Beautiful Mind
I once told a story, one so long ago of the day I died. He had been there, the man who I’d called the Doctor, just the same way many others had, but he was the man who owned my heart and would until the end of my days. From the Moment the man in the leather jacket took my hand and told me to run, my life would never been the same. He was a stranger to me, and I was to him, but that same day we met he saved my life…as I saved his the next. Two complete strangers, saving one another’s lives, and from that Moment we saved more and more of one another with each passing breath.
My name is Rose Tyler and this is the true story of my life…and how I died.
The Moment the Doctor came into my life everything turned around and he showed me there was a better way to live and I showed him how to let go of his pain and begin to live and even love again. No matter what got in our way, no matter what dangers we face or what stupid things we did, our bond grew stronger.
I remember so long ago, I was still just a child really; I was willing to do anything for him, anything to be by his side. A day came when that theory would be tested. He’s sent me home and left me with no way of getting back to help him. I remembered how the TARDIS had opened once before and I believed that was the only way to get back to him, to get my Doctor back. How long had it taken to pry her open and look inside of her? Time moves so differently when you feel time is running out. But we got her open and I looked into her and she looked into me. The TARDIS read my thoughts and my heart and in return she showed me the world in which I existed. Forwards, backwards, all the planets and all the possibilities and I saw them on a level I can never truly explain in any scientific way. I looked at the world and I did not see the whole but the parts, the atoms, and I saw how to scatter them across the worlds, and take life. But I also saw how to bring the atoms back together, how to change them and bring life.
No part of me ever wanted to give up what I had, I felt like I understood everything, and that I could make the world a better place. But the pain in my head, the Vortex was slowly ripping me apart and I could not take it, my head was killing me, almost literally. And it was there I saw and felt everything the Doctor had told me at our second meeting.
“I can feel it. The turn of the Earth. The ground beneath our feet is spinning at a thousand miles an hour, the entire planet is hurtling around the sun at sixty-seven thousand miles an hour, and I can feel it. We're falling through space, you and me, clinging to the skin of this tiny little world, and if we let go.... that's who I am. “
And because of the Time Vortex burning inside of me I understood his words. I could see so much. The Sun and moon, the heavens and the earth, day and night, life and death. I could see them all and they all hurt so very much, but I didn’t want to give it up because I understood, I knew what he was going through. I saw his war, his people, all of it. But I never told him. I never let him know the truth, but I am sure he knew.
My heart almost broke when I saw his regeneration, I thought he had died. And it wasn’t until that Moment that I understood how much he meant to me. How much I loved him, not just as a friend, but a man I loved with all of my heart. I blamed myself for it for so long, and even as he tried to convince me, I couldn’t believe that it was the Doctor in a new body. Even if my heart hammered hard as he spoke to me and took my hand Moments after regenerating. I wonder if he ever knew I loved him then. I wonder if the Dalek had been right when he said “What use are emotions when you cannot save the woman you love.”
Had the Doctor love me then? Had I love him? Sometimes you heart cannot be read by your mind until so long after you find your feelings for someone. Did I love him at some point of my travels with him? Yes and the feelings just deepened as we spent more time together, more so after the regeneration. The world is indeed a funny thing, how dangerous situations make our hearts ache all the more and cry out for love. But the day he regenerated it almost broke my heart. I thought he was an alien, well in truth he was, but not a Timelord, something else. All I could think about was they had taken him from me, my Doctor. The new incarnation was regenerating wrong and he crashed the TARDIS in London on 24th December 2005. Christmas Eve. He was sick, possibly dying and I didn’t know what to do.
Was he the Doctor, wasn’t he? So many questions and so many worries. More so after those Pilot fish, all dressed up in Santa costumes, tried to attack and kill Mickey and me. They wanted us dead so they could get to the Doctor and I still wasn’t sure if he was the Doctor. But then, well when I stooped down at the side of his bed and whispered “Save me,” into his ear, he sat up and he saved me…saved all of us and I knew just that little bit more it was him.
The there was that Moment, the two of us looking at one another, him wondering if I wanted to stay, me wondering if he wanted me to stay. Both wanting me to stay but neither actually saying anything about it. But I stayed. What life did I have if the Doctor wasn’t there! And there we were the Doctor and Rose going all over time and space, having fun and living our lives.
*~*~*~*~*~*
But as all good story tellers know, they must add a plot twist into the mix otherwise people will think the story boring. What is a good story without heartache and pain?
I will remember that day for the rest of my life. The day I lost the Doctor. But most of you know that story; it is the one I used to tell about my death. Rose Tyler stuck in another dimension without her Doctor and no means of finding a way to be with him. I loved him, I loved him with all of my heart and I left it until it was almost too late to tell him, although I am sure he knew. I would have fought heaven and hell to stay by his side. But the fates had another idea in mind and we were no longer allowed to be with one another.
I saw the Doctor a little over four months after the Earth War in my own dimension, Mom was three months pregnant and the Doctor had come to me in my sleep and we spoke once more at Badwolf Bay, but we only had Moments. And in those Moments I could not think of the things I should have told him. All I could do was tell him I loved him.
In my own world I was officially dead; in the world I was left in I never existed. Time went on, and so did my life.
I took a high ranking role within the Torchwood Centre, for there were few who knew more about aliens and the like than I. So, there I was, Rose Tyler, defending the Earth from threats from aliens and humans alike. Five years I did that, five years I worked alongside Mickey, Jake and Dad while Mom stayed at home and looked after David. Oh, David. Mom and Dad had a little boy and that was what they named him. David.
Five years, I wasn’t happy. My heart never healed but I lived. I saved the world and I lived. There was no love in my life, who could I love anyway? No-one would ever be able to replace the Doctor, or even come near to him. So I was left to watch everyone around me find love and happiness, at least until that day. The day that changed everything all over again.
*~*~*~*~*~*
I want to tell you that it was a dark and stormy day, there was something cold and chilling in the air…but I can’t. The day was a normal day, just like any other. The sun wasn’t shining brightly or hidden away by clouds, it wasn’t overly hot or cold…It was just your usual average day. I had gone to work with Dad, Mickey and Jake; Mom was doing her usual mothering things. It was a day just like any other…at least it was to start with.
It was Dad who got the phone call, David’s school had called, they were concerned that no-one had arrived to pick David up, and as that was Mom’s job we were all a little concerned. Dad tried to call her on her mobile, there was no answer. He tried her at home, the same thing. In the end Mickey and I went to pick up David and by the time we got back to the house the police were there. There had been a car accident, a terrible one. Mom hadn’t survived.
Dad was heartbroken, I had never seen him cry until that Moment and I felt so helpless, there was nothing I could do to help. How could you comfort someone who had lost their heart, more so when you had not gotten over the same thing yourself, five years from the Moment it happened. I’d always thought Mom would be there, that she would grow old and become even more annoying and I wouldn’t love her any less because of it. But it wasn’t to be. Seems everything I thought would happen will never happen. Isn’t that just one of life’s little niceties?
*~*~*~*~*~*
It was a hot sunny August day, far too sunny to be wearing black, but there were all were, David held onto Dad’s hand, he didn’t really understand what was happening or where his Mommy had gone to, he didn’t understand why everyone was so sad, why they were crying and why she wasn’t here to make Daddy feel better. I had tried hard to help out with David, but Mom was one of the last things I had of my old life and her death hit me hard. Now it was just me and Mickey, and Mickey had changed so much too. He’d found love, happiness and a place in this world, a real place and not a make believe one like I had. He was happy for the first time in a very long time, and it suited him. But then love always did bring out the best in people. I remember that much.
I can’t remember much about the funeral service, and I didn’t realise how many lives Mom had touched since she had been here in this world. And through all the condolences and offers of help, I felt numb, alone and lost. She was dead and I couldn’t do anything about it. I’d sat and held the hand of my Dad when he had died in my world and now I was burying my Mom.
We stood together at her graveside, Dad holding David’s hand, Mickey and Jake one side of them and me on the other. All I could do was cry, everything I held dear to me was slowly slipping through my fingers. First the Doctor, then Mom, who next? I watched as they lowered her into the ground, tears falling silently down my cheeks, my Mom gone from my life forever. I dropped a white rose onto the coffin, Mickey was at my side suddenly and I began to cry so hard I couldn’t breathe. My Mom had become an empty shell surrounded by a wooden box buried deep in the cold damp earth.
Everyone had left but I still stood there alone and looking down at the new pile of dirt that covered my Mom’s body. I would have done anything for her to be alive, but there was nothing I could have done. Nothing but stand there and cry.
*~*~*~*~*~*
Fingers brushed against the palm of my hand before they curled around and held on. I looked down, almost expecting to see David stood with me, holding onto the hand of his big sister, trying to help her out but not understanding how he could or couldn’t do it. But when I looked down I didn’t see the tiny hand of my brothers in my own. A lump rose in my throat and I looked down a little further.
White converse trainers, brown trousers, a long brown coat, the jacket, shirt, tie…and that smile, so much sadness in that smile, and yet it was so bright and happy. As I looked into his face fresh tears ran down my cheeks, it was….He.
I couldn’t speak. He was standing there next to me. The man I had spent five years living my life for, My Doctor.
“Oh Rose. I’m so sorry.”
He cupped my cheek in his free hand and wiped away my tears but new ones replaced them. My eyes closed under his touch. He was real, and he could touch me and I was sure my heart was breaking for so many reasons.
“I really am sorry.”
He pulled me close and I hid my tear stained face in his neck. There was so much meaning in those words. He was sorry, and he meant it on so many levels. My arm’s tightened around him; I didn’t want to ever let him go again. He was here, and I knew at that Moment I could never be without him again. The Doctor ran his fingers through my hair, he kiss my temple and whispered soft soothing words to me. He told me everything would be alright and even though I missed her and the hurt would never go away, it would get easier with time and I would get on with my life and I would live. And for the first time, I believed what he was saying.
*~*~*~*~*~*
I don’t know how long I stood there in his arms but it wasn’t until I heard a soft child-like voice that I opened my eyes and looked up from his neck. Stood behind us was a small child, couldn’t have been more than 8 or 9, she had the brightest blue eyes, almost clear, and as I looked into them, I was sure I could see everything.
“Doctor,” she said softly, as she poked the ground with the toe of her shoe, not really wanting to break up the reunion before her. “You said you would take me for chips and ice cream.”
“Quite right,” he nodded slowly, “I did indeed.” He looked over at the girl and smiled softly. His arms slipped from around me but his hand found my own, “Rose, I want you to meet someone.” He guided me over to the small child and took hold of her hand too, “Rose this is Zada, Zada, this is Rose Tyler.”
The little girl looked at me and smiled brightly before curtseying a little.
“Hello.” There was a little confusion in my voice and the Doctor picked up on it, he leaned and whispered softly in my ear that he would explain later. My heart hammered hard from the closeness of his body to my own and also at the thought that there would be a later.
There were so many questions to ask him, so many things I wanted to tell him but now wasn’t the time and we both knew it.
“I promised Zada while we were here that I would introduce her to chips and ice cream. Don’t suppose you know of anywhere we could get some do you?” The Doctor looked to me and there was a playful glint in his eyes, “Because I can’t break a promise to a little girl now can I.”
I nodded and told him we could pick up some chips on the way back to Dad’s house, chips that would be wrapped in newspaper and we had ice cream there that Zada could have some of. In truth, it was a ploy to get him to come home with me, a chance to spend some time with him…to have someone there so I could mourn…to just be with him.
*~*~*~*~*~*
An hour and two portions of chips later, I pulled the car up into the driveway of the house. There were still many cars there, friends of Mom and Dad there to pay their respects once more. On the drive to the house, the Doctor had explained to me how he had gotten here and who Zada was.
“I suppose you would call her a Seer,” he explained, “When you looked into the TARDIS, oh so long ago, those things you saw, well she can see them all of the time, she can manipulate them a little to. In the Crocortin Society she would be seen as a Princess even thought she does not have royal blood. Their rivals, the Luzacathatrins, stole her from her people for their own gain. And of course me being me saved the day and freed her from their jails. I was on the way back to Zada’s home planet; she was fast asleep next to me on the chair in the console room when suddenly she woke up crying. The TARDIS shifted and we landed here.” He scratched the back of his neck a little, “Zada, she made the TARDIS jump here, told me about her dream. About the sad woman who had lost so much, including her mother and the man she loved and how he had lost the woman he…” The Doctor looked out the car window and didn’t say anything else.
I looked in the rear view mirror at Zada and I reminded myself to give her the biggest bowl of ice cream and to thank her later, she had brought him back to me, even if it was just for the day, he was here with me. I smiled as I watched her, face pushed up against the window, watching in awe at the world zoom past her.
*~*~*~*~*~*
“Wose!” As I climbed out of the car David ran over to me and clung onto my legs, hiding a little when he saw the Doctor and Zada climb out behind me. I bent down to pick him up.
“Well, who’s this little fellow then?”
“Doctor, Zada, this is my little brother David. David, this is Zada, and that man there.” I pointed to the Doctor, “Remember how I told you stories of how I used to travel with a man called the Doctor. That is him.”
David’s eyes went a little wide and he hid his face in my shoulder. “He’s shy,” I explained. That caused the Doctor to laugh. Neither I, Mom nor Dad were shy, but my brother was, he probably couldn’t believe it.
So two portions of chips and four bowls of ice cream, because David had joined us, later, David took Zada up to his room to show her all his toys and I was left alone with the Doctor. The first time in over 5 years and I suddenly felt awkward.
“You look good.” He said softly, eyes meeting my own and I couldn’t help but blush, “Time has been kind to you.”
“You don’t look any different from when I last saw you…actually…you don’t look as tired. I...” I heard the front door close followed by Dad’s voice, then Mickey’s. I wasn’t ready to share the Doctor with anyone yet; I needed time with him alone. Standing I held my hand out to him and he took it in an instant allowing me to lead him out of the kitchen, up the back stairs and into my room.
It felt strange, guiding him up the stairs and into my room, the only non family member who had been in there was Mickey and he was practically family. “So how long are you staying?” I sat down on the edge of my bed because there really wasn’t anywhere else to sit in my room.
“Oh, you know.” The Doctor replied, as he walked around my room and picked up items and looked them, “As long as it takes I suppose, well that or when Zada decides she wants to go home.”
“What takes?” I had no idea what he was talking about, he’d just walked back into my life and I didn’t understand why.
“Zada brought us here because of you Rose, because if I didn’t come then…well let’s just say that things would get harder around here.” He picked up a snow globe and shook it and watched the glitter swirl around the scene inside of it. Setting it back down he began to walk again, only he stopped when he noticed the key to the TARDIS in a glass frame on my wall. “I thought you might have gotten rid of that old thing by now.”
“How could I?” I replied, “It’s all I have left from our time together. My one piece of the Doctor.” I fell silent for a while, not knowing what to say to him. “I looked for you,” I whispered softly and looked down at the carpet, “I never stopped, in five years I never stopped trying to find some sign of you. I…”
The Doctor sat and took my hand, “It doesn’t matter, I’m here now.” He smiled softly at me, “And it is so good to see you.”
Tears began to prickle my eyes once more and they fell down my cheeks. Of all the times he came back into my life, this really was the time I needed him the most. “I missed you,” the tears fell faster and I turned to look away but his hand went to my cheek, brushing away the tears and turning me back to look at him.
“I missed you too, but you should never dwell on the past.” His thumb brushed my cheek slowly and there was a sad smile on his face, “Well not unless you are visiting it.” His hand moved to my hair and he pulled me close once more, arms wrapping around me, protective and warm. “I’m sorry about your Mom.” He pressed a kiss into my temple, nuzzled against my hair slightly and just held be again as I cried.
My Doctor…My protector.
I drew back a little and looked into his eyes, I was so close to him, so very close, I could almost feel his breath upon my face. Don’t live in the past, live for now. And if there was one thing I had learnt from the Doctor and losing him, and my mother’s death, was that you had to take every Moment and live for it. I leaned in, pressing my lips softly to his. I felt his body tense up in my arms and I knew I had made a mistake. As I began to draw back the Doctor twisted his fingers in my hair and pulled me back, this time meeting my lips with a kiss. And I fell into that kiss so easily.
*~*~*~*~*~*
I watched him sleep next to me in the bed, his arm lay across my bare stomach, and for the first time in over five years I felt like I was home. Finally sleep took me as I cuddled up against him, his arms wrapped around me, keeping me close.
*~*~*~*~*~*
Fingers moved softly through my hair and as I stirred I felt lips softly kissing my shoulder, my neck, my jaw and finally my lips. What a way to be woken up, being kissed and seduced by the man you loved. We made love for the second time since he took hold of my hand at my mother’s funeral, each as amazing as the other.
Breakfast was interesting. Dad sat there with David and Zada when we finally got downstairs; they both said their hellos and then nothing else, the only talking in the room came from Zada and David. Reaching under the table I squeezed the Doctor’s hand softly and he turned to look at me and smiled for just one Moment before he turned to look over at Dad.
“That’s a handsome little boy you have there, he’s got Jackie’s eyes.”
A sad look flickered over Dad’s face, “He a lot like Jackie but with all the stuff that’s been happening, with Torchwood and all, he’s a little quieter than the rest of us. This is the most I’ve seen him talk in a long time.”
“Well that’s good, about him talking more.” More silence.
“Doctor,” Zada slowly looked up at him with her clear eyes, “It’s time.”
He just nodded slowly.
“Time…time for what?” I didn’t understand and I didn’t want to think about it. Something inside me told me it was time for him to leave but after last night and this morning, I just couldn’t even comprehend that.
“Come with me,” The Doctor was looking at me as he said those words, “There is still so much I have to show you, we never made it to Barcelona.”
I looked at him for a Moment, completely dumb struck and then looked over at my Dad.
“Go on luv,” there was graveness in his voice, “You know you will never forgive yourself if you don’t.”
“But…” I didn’t want to leave him behind, he’d just lost Mom and there was David now too.
“No buts...go on, go get packed.”
I still didn’t move. I looked over at David and then back at Dad, it was just the two of them now and I wouldn’t leave them on their own.
“Rose,” My Dad looked me in the eyes, “I love you, and I know I’m not your real father but you have been a daughter to me and I know that, in truth, you will never be happy here. You wouldn’t be happy anywhere unless it was with the Doctor. He is the only person who can really make you happy and you know it.”
I sat there for a Moment longer then nodded slowly. He was right, if I didn’t go with the Doctor I would regret for the rest of my life and I’d been searching for him ever since I had arrived in this dimension, if I let him leave without me…There would be no getting over it. More so since our relationship had developed in the short time since his arrival in this dimension.
*~*~*~*~*~*
Dad helped me pack while the Doctor watched over David and Zada in the garden; this was going to be hard, on both of us, but more so on Dad. And yet he was helping me pack my things and move on with my life, move on and out of his forever. We both knew that I would never see him again; there was no way that could happen. The Doctor had once said it were impossible for him to be here, trying twice, well that would probably make the universe implode.
I was left along in my room, Dad had taken my bags down and I had one thing left to do, I had to get the key to the only place that ever felt like home to me.
I can’t speak of the goodbyes, they still hurt too much. I gave up every part of my family to be with the man I loved, but that is what love is about. Giving and sacrificing to make the things you really want to happen, happen. I am sure David grew up to be a handsome caring man and probably broke a few hearts along the way, no doubt he ended up working at Torchwood, married some beautiful woman and had a beautiful family…but that is something I will never know.
*~*~*~*~*~*
The TARDIS stood there, almost as if it was waiting for me, but I knew it was waiting for the Doctor really. Butterflies twisted up in my stomach when he slid his key into the door, I took a step back, I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t just leave everything behind, not now, not after last time. He seemed to sense my uncertainty and turned to see me step away.
“Rose?” I heard the concern in his voice, I saw the hurt in his eyes, “Rose, what’s wrong?” And for the first time he looked old and tired to me, his usual calm composure seemed to crumble, “Don’t you want to come?”
“I…” I looked back to where Dad sat in the jeep and then back to the Doctor, “I’m scared.” This wasn’t just about exploring the world any more, it was about life, a relationship…it was about loving someone and being loved back. I was scared he would realise I wasn’t the same Rose I used to be, that one day he would wake up and realise he didn’t want me there any more and I would be left behind somewhere without any family or friends. “Are you sure you want this?”
“Aren’t you?” He pushed open the door to let Zada inside and turned back to me, “This might be our only chance Rose. You can come with me and live the life you wanted to 5 years ago, or you can turn around and climb back into that jeep and fade into history.” He cupped my cheek, “But I know you Rose, and I know that you want adventure and when the fear subsides you will hardly ever look back.”
For the briefest Moment I hated him for being right.
*~*~*~*~*~*
In over 5 years the TARDIS had hardly changed, my eyes scanned the insides looking for something different, but there was nothing to be seen.
“Come on, this way.” The Doctor headed towards the back of the TARDIS, towards the stairs and no doubt my room. As I walked past the console I slowly ran my fingers over her smooth surface, in the back of my mind I was sure I heard the TARDIS sighing, maybe she had, she was connected to the Doctor after all.
By the time I had unpacked my things Zada was fast asleep on my bed and I’d decided not to disturb her, it was cruel to wake up a sleeping child, more so when you owned her so much. I found myself back in the console room, sat on the chair with my feet resting up on the control centre, and I was biting my nails.
“Glad to see you still have that habit, I was worried you might actually start being grown up.” He smiled and I smiled back. He was trying very hard to keep the mood light. The doctor always knew when something was wrong, and after what I had just left behind me, he would be an idiot not to realise I wasn’t the happiest person in the universe.
We sat up all night talking about what we had done over the last five years. He told me of the adventures he’d had, the lives he’d saved and the people he had picked up and promptly dropped off along the way. I felt giddy because the way he spoke, it was almost like no one was good enough to be his companion, at least not after me. I told him about Torchwood, about Mom and Dad, about Mickey and Jake. I spoke of the few friends I had made, but how really I had spent most of most of my time working, or searching for him. I told him how I had tried to live but I hadn’t quiet got it right, how everyone else seemed to but I just couldn’t. I talked and talked and he just listened, so many things I needed to get off of my chest. I ended up sleeping where we sat, my head resting on his shoulder and his arm around me keeping me close.
*~*~*~*~*~*
Two days later we took Zada back home to her people and once more it was just the two of us, travelling through time and space at one another’s side. With each day brought a new adventure, a new planet or alien species, a new time we had never visited. We also visited some of the places we had been before; old memories caused us to laugh and brought us closer together.
As days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months we spent less and less time sleeping on our own in our own rooms and more time together in his. Six month after we had taken Zada home I was all but moved into his room, the largest one in the TARDIS.
*~*~*~*~*~*
For my 30th birthday he took me back to Earth, Paris, early 1900’s. We had dinner, watched the sunset from the top of the Eiffel Tower and it was the first place he told me he loved me. I felt fit to burst when I heard those words, but he seemed nervous, he wouldn’t look at me. He had almost told me once before, and at that Moment I couldn’t stop fretting, was he going to leave me again?
He pulled a small box from the jacket of his suit and slowly opened it. Inside it was my mother’s wedding ring. I’d never even thought about our relationship developing any more than it had, I was happy with him.
“Your father gave this to me when you were packing. Said I would know when to give it to you. Rose…this isn’t about marriage or anything like that. I’m not really that kind of man but…” He rubbed the back of his neck before taking hold of my hand, “I love you and I want you to have all the things you have ever wanted and.” He laughed at himself, “It’s not really very romantic is it, me saying this like this.” Taking the ring from the box the Doctor slipped it onto my finger, my ring finger, “I want you to be mine, and I want everyone to know how you have changed my life.”
*~*~*~*~*~*
There were hard times of course, times when we argued, times when we didn’t speak to one another for days, times when we slept in the same bed, backs to one another and at opposite ends of the mattress. But the good times always out weighed the bad, all that was needed was a sorry, a smile or even a touch of our hands to make everything better and take away the gap that had formed between us because of an argument. Things never stayed bad for long, they never could. Not between us.
I never noticed how our adventures went from being dangerous to being more like holidays; the Doctor had been good at that. If there was anything dangerous he somehow seemed to be able to mask most of it from me, I was getting old and I was starting to slow him down. And yet the Doctor never complained, he never once told me I was getting in his way; he always looked at me with the same loving look in his eyes. I was getting old and yet he didn’t care and I never seemed to notice how old I was getting or how old I felt.
*~*~*~*~*~*
It was when I was almost 67 that I realised how old I was, I glanced in the window of a shop and someone gave me this look that said, what the hell is she doing with someone like him. I was almost 70 and the Doctor hadn’t aged, and it was the first time since we had found one another that I regretted coming with him. How long would it be before I died and left him alone once more? This time my leaving him would be worse, we had spent a lifetime together and now I was living out the last few years of my life. I started to pull back from him. At first he thought it was just a woman thing, and then it got worse.
“Rose. Have I done something to upset you?” He sat me down, holding onto my hands with such a worried look on his face, “I hope that what ever it is I have done you can forgive me for.”
I looked away but he knew the signs well now. Over 40 years I had been at his side and he could read me like I was a book. “I’m getting old and I am slowly dying.”
“No, Rose Tyler, you will never grow old. You are as young hearted and beautiful as you were when I first met you.”
I smiled at him, tears falling down my old tired cheeks, “Soon you will be on your own and there will be no way for you to find me, Doctor I…” He silenced me with a kiss and in that kiss I felt his pain and sadness. He knew I was dying too, that our time together was slowly running out and there was nothing he could do about it. “You gave me the best life any girl could ever ask for.”
“Even with all the life threatening dangers and things wanting to kill you?”
I nodded. “I love you, and you showed me what it was to have a real life, and you loved me with both your hearts.”
A few months later I collapsed. We were in London, the year was 2246, and we were looking around Buckingham Palace when it happened. Well, actually we were running around it. When the Royal family was voted out they opened up Buckingham Palace to the public and we were just there having a little look around and as usual something bad was happening. The Doctor and I got involved and it ended up with him saving the day and my heart giving out.
*~*~*~*~*~*
For weeks he sat by my bedside in the hospital, just holding my hand and watching me. He wanted me to have one of those fake hearts but I asked him where it would stop. I wouldn’t keep doing things to my body just to stay alive. I wouldn’t become Cassandra. One day I woke up to see him sat there crying and I knew that this was hurting him; sitting there and watching me die. I’d tried to tell him to leave but he just looked at me and held my hand tighter in his own, his face set in a way that I knew not to mention it again. He looked so tired, scruffy and unshaven, his usually smart suit was crumpled and he looked so very old to me.
“Take me out of here. Take me somewhere to watch the sunset,” I wouldn’t add one last time. I wasn’t ready to die but I knew it was almost time and I didn’t want to die in a hospital, I wanted it to be somewhere for the both of us. Somewhere he could hold me and I would just slip away. That night the Doctor carried me back to the TARDIS, I wouldn’t let him take me to our bedroom, I wanted to stay in the console room with him. He settled me into the chair, set the coordinates and headed to the bedroom to get me a blanket to keep me warm.
Sparks flew up from the console and I frowned, we couldn’t get stuck, not now. Looking back I saw no sign of the Doctor so I made my way, so very slowly, around the controls and tried to see what was happening. I reached for a leaver when the TARDIS jolted and I held on tightly, so careful not to fall. There was a sound, a soft creaking and then singing, I could hear singing and it was so peaceful, so sad.
Stepping back I saw the first soft whispers of light from inside the TARDIS as she opened up to me, this time of her own freewill. Standing there I was transfixed by the light and by the music that filled my head. She was mourning because the Doctor was too, and as I looked into her she showed me so much. She showed me the Doctor and the life we had had together.
Tears fell down my cheeks as I looked into the bright heart of the TARDIS, she showed me his heart, how much I had meant to him and how much he had loved me and always would. And as I stood there I let all my guards down and I let her know everything in my life. And we were one once more.
“Rose…are you alright, I felt the shudder and…” His words failed him as he saw me standing there surrounded by such brilliant light. “Rose, no…look away.” He was begging me but I didn’t look away. I couldn’t.
The light consumed me and I felt weak, I was ready to die because there was nothing in my life I wasn’t glad about. My life had been full and happy and I had no regrets.
I heard the Doctor cry out and slam the TARDIS closed, she lurched and my legs gave way causing me to tumble to the ground. “Rose!” He was at my side holding my hand, fear filling his eyes, “Not yet, just a little while longer. Then you can see your sunset.” He turned to face the console, “Why did you have to do this, why her, why now?” Anger filled his face as he shouted at the TARDIS, “Rose…Look at me,” his hand was on my cheek and it was shaking, “Rose, listen to me, look at me.”
I opened my eyes slowly, they were tinged softly with gold but I hadn’t taken the Vortex into me. This was something else.
*~*~*~*~*~*
He carried me from the TARDIS, a blanket wrapped around me, and settled us both down on the warm sand, just enough time left before the sun began to set. Holding me close the Doctor kissed my hair, my temple, entwined our fingers together like he had done so many times. “Rose…” his voice broke a little as he began to talk, “I wanted you to know that…that you’ve meant the world to me and I will never be able to forget you and...” I felt him hide his face in my hair and the dampness of his tears as they fell against me.
“I was fantastic?” I laughed softly, shivering weakly in his arms, “So were you.” Shifting a little in his arms I smiled at him, “You were everything I ever wanted and so much more.” Tears fell down my cheeks and the shivering got worse. Reaching up I ran my fingers down his damp cheek and pulled him down for one last kiss.
As the sun set I took my last breath and went limp in the Doctors arms. He held me close until the sun rose the next morning, my body cold against his. But he just wouldn’t let go of me. He couldn’t. I had been his life for so long that he couldn’t let me go, he wouldn’t.
*~*~*~*~*~*
He laid me down on our bed in our room in the TARDIS and set the coordinates for Earth, 2006, the day I had officially died all those years ago. It was what I had asked for; I wanted to be buried in my own time in the place I was born, right near my grandparents and my father.
But when the TARDIS landed he still wasn’t ready to let me go. That night he lay down on the bed next to my body and cried. He cried himself to sleep because his hearts were breaking. Exhaustion finally took him over and he fell into a deep sleep.
The next morning he woke with a start. Warm breath tickled his neck, a warm hand held onto his. Letting out a cry he moved and fell out of bed, slowly peering up and over the top of it and right at the person who had been there cuddled up to him.
I wish I had been awake to see the look on the Doctors face, but there I was, living and breathing and fast asleep on the bed. Not only that but I didn’t look a day over 23. “R-Rose?”
“Not now…it’s too early!” I groaned sleepily.
He sat up a little more and peered over me to the place he had laid my old, un-breathing body the night before.
“Uh…Rose?”
“What?” I sat up, my hair all tussled and exhaustion set on my face.
“Um…you died. Last night, you died.”
Slowly I opened an eye and looked at him, “I fell asleep watching the sunset.”
“No, you were dead. As is not breathing.”
“Funny, really funny.” I laid back down and pulled the covers back over me.
He pulled them away once more, “I’m not being funny, in fact this is as far from funny as I can be. Last night you died in my arms and now you are living and breathing and…well your young again.”
“Shut up” I couldn’t help but groan at him, as I tried to pull the covers back over my head. I was tired and he was talking rubbish.
“Rose, will you listen to me. I’m not lying…here.” He put a mirror in my hands, “See for yourself.”
Slowly I brought the mirror up and over my face, just to humour him of course, and as I opened my eyes I saw a young me looking back from the glass. “Oh my god.” I sat bolt up right and touched my face, my neck and then down to my chest. It was pert and rounded, there was no sign of old age about me at all, although my eyes seemed to be the same with just an added sparkle.
“Can I?” The Doctor playfully reached out to grab my chest and I swatted his hand away, “I don’t understand. I…” and from the look on his face he didn’t understand either.
“Oh…Oh…brilliant.” He jumped up onto the bed and kissed me before running out of the bedroom, “Oh you are beautiful, wonderful. I take back anything bad I ever said about you.”
I finally found the Doctor in the console room kissing the controls, “You are so good, yes you are… my good girl.”
“Doctor?”
“Oh Rose.” He picked me up and spun me around, “She did it, my wonderful TARDIS did it. She brought you back to me and…do you remember when we had to take Margaret back to her home world after she had been turned back into an egg, well the TARDIS did something like that to you. She opened up to you and she....” He set me down and petted the controls, “Who’s a good girl? Who’s a very good girl?”
Turning he pulled me into a lip crushing kiss, his arms wrapping tightly around me. “I thought I had lost you” he mumbled softly as the kiss broke so we could breathe, “I thought I would never see my Rose again.”
I smiled and ran my fingers softly up his cheeks, “Does this mean you can have a shave now?” Teasing his lips with my own I smiled, “And change into some clean clothes.”
“As long as you stop wearing old lady clothes.”
Laughing I kissed him once more, his fingers tangling in my hair and pulling me closer to him, “And as long as you never scared me like that again.”
“Deal,” I whispered softly, but I knew it wasn’t a promise I could keep. With the Doctor came the monsters and with the monsters came danger but I would face any danger to be by his side, to have him love me.
*~*~*~*~*~*
We made love in the shower and then spent the rest of the day and night in bed, exploring one another’s bodies and exploring old territories, parts of our lives that had gone unexplored as I had aged.
It was almost a week before we spent a whole day out of bed. I was exhausted from the change and from all the sex we seemed to be having, and the Doctor was exhausted from never leaving my bedside whilst I was in the hospital and, of course, the sex.
*~*~*~*~*~*
The TARDIS opened to me once more after that day and things were never the same again. I never aged. Here I am writing this, I am over 300 years old now and I do not look a day over 25. The TARDIS, the Doctor and I have been through many adventures but none will be as difficult as the one we are about to embark on.
You see, the last time the TARDIS opened up to me she manipulated the atoms in my body and now I am…
The pen was removed from Rose’s hand and tossed onto the floor, along with the journal she had been writing in.
“Hey, I was almost finished with that.”
“Well almost isn’t close enough. We’ve landed and there are things we need to do, important things.” The Doctor moved onto the bed next to Rose and kissed her temple and then her lips, “Besides, we both know that women love to shop till they drop.”
Reaching over Rose hit his arm softly and shook her head, “I’m not that bad. Besides, we have to make sure we get everything we need. Who knows how long is left and when we might be back here.”
“So very true.” The Doctor kissed Rose once more, his hand trailing over her side and resting on the curve of her stomach, “Only the best for my wife and my baby.”
Rose laced her fingers with the Doctors and smiled softly, “Say that again.”
“What, the so very true bit.” He was teasing her of course.
“No the other bit.”
“Only the best for my wife,” he kissed her once more on the lips before trailing a line of kisses down between her breasts, and over the bump that was her stomach, “And my baby.”
Brushing her fingers through his hair Rose smiled. “I once thought the world hated me, that it did everything it could to me to make my life a living hell. And now I couldn’t ask for a better life.”
And it was the truth, she couldn’t. Rose had the man she loved and they had a child on the way, thanks to the TARDIS. They had adventure, they had happiness and most of all they had one another. And over time their relationship stayed strong and they kept one another safe.
As the Doctor headed to the wardrobe room, Rose picked up the journal once more.
…going to be a mother. My adventures are beginning all over again and even if I go to the same places and the same times, the experience will be different because we will have our son or daughter with us.
So there it was the story of how I really died. And yet here I am, living, breathing and embarking on new adventures every day. Yeah. You could say I am the luckiest girl who ever lived. But then anyone who has had their life touched by the Doctor is lucky. I’m just luckier that he loves me and wants me to be by his side.
My name is Rose Tyler and this is the true story of my life…and how I died.
The Moment the Doctor came into my life everything turned around and he showed me there was a better way to live and I showed him how to let go of his pain and begin to live and even love again. No matter what got in our way, no matter what dangers we face or what stupid things we did, our bond grew stronger.
I remember so long ago, I was still just a child really; I was willing to do anything for him, anything to be by his side. A day came when that theory would be tested. He’s sent me home and left me with no way of getting back to help him. I remembered how the TARDIS had opened once before and I believed that was the only way to get back to him, to get my Doctor back. How long had it taken to pry her open and look inside of her? Time moves so differently when you feel time is running out. But we got her open and I looked into her and she looked into me. The TARDIS read my thoughts and my heart and in return she showed me the world in which I existed. Forwards, backwards, all the planets and all the possibilities and I saw them on a level I can never truly explain in any scientific way. I looked at the world and I did not see the whole but the parts, the atoms, and I saw how to scatter them across the worlds, and take life. But I also saw how to bring the atoms back together, how to change them and bring life.
No part of me ever wanted to give up what I had, I felt like I understood everything, and that I could make the world a better place. But the pain in my head, the Vortex was slowly ripping me apart and I could not take it, my head was killing me, almost literally. And it was there I saw and felt everything the Doctor had told me at our second meeting.
“I can feel it. The turn of the Earth. The ground beneath our feet is spinning at a thousand miles an hour, the entire planet is hurtling around the sun at sixty-seven thousand miles an hour, and I can feel it. We're falling through space, you and me, clinging to the skin of this tiny little world, and if we let go.... that's who I am. “
And because of the Time Vortex burning inside of me I understood his words. I could see so much. The Sun and moon, the heavens and the earth, day and night, life and death. I could see them all and they all hurt so very much, but I didn’t want to give it up because I understood, I knew what he was going through. I saw his war, his people, all of it. But I never told him. I never let him know the truth, but I am sure he knew.
My heart almost broke when I saw his regeneration, I thought he had died. And it wasn’t until that Moment that I understood how much he meant to me. How much I loved him, not just as a friend, but a man I loved with all of my heart. I blamed myself for it for so long, and even as he tried to convince me, I couldn’t believe that it was the Doctor in a new body. Even if my heart hammered hard as he spoke to me and took my hand Moments after regenerating. I wonder if he ever knew I loved him then. I wonder if the Dalek had been right when he said “What use are emotions when you cannot save the woman you love.”
Had the Doctor love me then? Had I love him? Sometimes you heart cannot be read by your mind until so long after you find your feelings for someone. Did I love him at some point of my travels with him? Yes and the feelings just deepened as we spent more time together, more so after the regeneration. The world is indeed a funny thing, how dangerous situations make our hearts ache all the more and cry out for love. But the day he regenerated it almost broke my heart. I thought he was an alien, well in truth he was, but not a Timelord, something else. All I could think about was they had taken him from me, my Doctor. The new incarnation was regenerating wrong and he crashed the TARDIS in London on 24th December 2005. Christmas Eve. He was sick, possibly dying and I didn’t know what to do.
Was he the Doctor, wasn’t he? So many questions and so many worries. More so after those Pilot fish, all dressed up in Santa costumes, tried to attack and kill Mickey and me. They wanted us dead so they could get to the Doctor and I still wasn’t sure if he was the Doctor. But then, well when I stooped down at the side of his bed and whispered “Save me,” into his ear, he sat up and he saved me…saved all of us and I knew just that little bit more it was him.
The there was that Moment, the two of us looking at one another, him wondering if I wanted to stay, me wondering if he wanted me to stay. Both wanting me to stay but neither actually saying anything about it. But I stayed. What life did I have if the Doctor wasn’t there! And there we were the Doctor and Rose going all over time and space, having fun and living our lives.
*~*~*~*~*~*
But as all good story tellers know, they must add a plot twist into the mix otherwise people will think the story boring. What is a good story without heartache and pain?
I will remember that day for the rest of my life. The day I lost the Doctor. But most of you know that story; it is the one I used to tell about my death. Rose Tyler stuck in another dimension without her Doctor and no means of finding a way to be with him. I loved him, I loved him with all of my heart and I left it until it was almost too late to tell him, although I am sure he knew. I would have fought heaven and hell to stay by his side. But the fates had another idea in mind and we were no longer allowed to be with one another.
I saw the Doctor a little over four months after the Earth War in my own dimension, Mom was three months pregnant and the Doctor had come to me in my sleep and we spoke once more at Badwolf Bay, but we only had Moments. And in those Moments I could not think of the things I should have told him. All I could do was tell him I loved him.
In my own world I was officially dead; in the world I was left in I never existed. Time went on, and so did my life.
I took a high ranking role within the Torchwood Centre, for there were few who knew more about aliens and the like than I. So, there I was, Rose Tyler, defending the Earth from threats from aliens and humans alike. Five years I did that, five years I worked alongside Mickey, Jake and Dad while Mom stayed at home and looked after David. Oh, David. Mom and Dad had a little boy and that was what they named him. David.
Five years, I wasn’t happy. My heart never healed but I lived. I saved the world and I lived. There was no love in my life, who could I love anyway? No-one would ever be able to replace the Doctor, or even come near to him. So I was left to watch everyone around me find love and happiness, at least until that day. The day that changed everything all over again.
*~*~*~*~*~*
I want to tell you that it was a dark and stormy day, there was something cold and chilling in the air…but I can’t. The day was a normal day, just like any other. The sun wasn’t shining brightly or hidden away by clouds, it wasn’t overly hot or cold…It was just your usual average day. I had gone to work with Dad, Mickey and Jake; Mom was doing her usual mothering things. It was a day just like any other…at least it was to start with.
It was Dad who got the phone call, David’s school had called, they were concerned that no-one had arrived to pick David up, and as that was Mom’s job we were all a little concerned. Dad tried to call her on her mobile, there was no answer. He tried her at home, the same thing. In the end Mickey and I went to pick up David and by the time we got back to the house the police were there. There had been a car accident, a terrible one. Mom hadn’t survived.
Dad was heartbroken, I had never seen him cry until that Moment and I felt so helpless, there was nothing I could do to help. How could you comfort someone who had lost their heart, more so when you had not gotten over the same thing yourself, five years from the Moment it happened. I’d always thought Mom would be there, that she would grow old and become even more annoying and I wouldn’t love her any less because of it. But it wasn’t to be. Seems everything I thought would happen will never happen. Isn’t that just one of life’s little niceties?
*~*~*~*~*~*
It was a hot sunny August day, far too sunny to be wearing black, but there were all were, David held onto Dad’s hand, he didn’t really understand what was happening or where his Mommy had gone to, he didn’t understand why everyone was so sad, why they were crying and why she wasn’t here to make Daddy feel better. I had tried hard to help out with David, but Mom was one of the last things I had of my old life and her death hit me hard. Now it was just me and Mickey, and Mickey had changed so much too. He’d found love, happiness and a place in this world, a real place and not a make believe one like I had. He was happy for the first time in a very long time, and it suited him. But then love always did bring out the best in people. I remember that much.
I can’t remember much about the funeral service, and I didn’t realise how many lives Mom had touched since she had been here in this world. And through all the condolences and offers of help, I felt numb, alone and lost. She was dead and I couldn’t do anything about it. I’d sat and held the hand of my Dad when he had died in my world and now I was burying my Mom.
We stood together at her graveside, Dad holding David’s hand, Mickey and Jake one side of them and me on the other. All I could do was cry, everything I held dear to me was slowly slipping through my fingers. First the Doctor, then Mom, who next? I watched as they lowered her into the ground, tears falling silently down my cheeks, my Mom gone from my life forever. I dropped a white rose onto the coffin, Mickey was at my side suddenly and I began to cry so hard I couldn’t breathe. My Mom had become an empty shell surrounded by a wooden box buried deep in the cold damp earth.
Everyone had left but I still stood there alone and looking down at the new pile of dirt that covered my Mom’s body. I would have done anything for her to be alive, but there was nothing I could have done. Nothing but stand there and cry.
*~*~*~*~*~*
Fingers brushed against the palm of my hand before they curled around and held on. I looked down, almost expecting to see David stood with me, holding onto the hand of his big sister, trying to help her out but not understanding how he could or couldn’t do it. But when I looked down I didn’t see the tiny hand of my brothers in my own. A lump rose in my throat and I looked down a little further.
White converse trainers, brown trousers, a long brown coat, the jacket, shirt, tie…and that smile, so much sadness in that smile, and yet it was so bright and happy. As I looked into his face fresh tears ran down my cheeks, it was….He.
I couldn’t speak. He was standing there next to me. The man I had spent five years living my life for, My Doctor.
“Oh Rose. I’m so sorry.”
He cupped my cheek in his free hand and wiped away my tears but new ones replaced them. My eyes closed under his touch. He was real, and he could touch me and I was sure my heart was breaking for so many reasons.
“I really am sorry.”
He pulled me close and I hid my tear stained face in his neck. There was so much meaning in those words. He was sorry, and he meant it on so many levels. My arm’s tightened around him; I didn’t want to ever let him go again. He was here, and I knew at that Moment I could never be without him again. The Doctor ran his fingers through my hair, he kiss my temple and whispered soft soothing words to me. He told me everything would be alright and even though I missed her and the hurt would never go away, it would get easier with time and I would get on with my life and I would live. And for the first time, I believed what he was saying.
*~*~*~*~*~*
I don’t know how long I stood there in his arms but it wasn’t until I heard a soft child-like voice that I opened my eyes and looked up from his neck. Stood behind us was a small child, couldn’t have been more than 8 or 9, she had the brightest blue eyes, almost clear, and as I looked into them, I was sure I could see everything.
“Doctor,” she said softly, as she poked the ground with the toe of her shoe, not really wanting to break up the reunion before her. “You said you would take me for chips and ice cream.”
“Quite right,” he nodded slowly, “I did indeed.” He looked over at the girl and smiled softly. His arms slipped from around me but his hand found my own, “Rose, I want you to meet someone.” He guided me over to the small child and took hold of her hand too, “Rose this is Zada, Zada, this is Rose Tyler.”
The little girl looked at me and smiled brightly before curtseying a little.
“Hello.” There was a little confusion in my voice and the Doctor picked up on it, he leaned and whispered softly in my ear that he would explain later. My heart hammered hard from the closeness of his body to my own and also at the thought that there would be a later.
There were so many questions to ask him, so many things I wanted to tell him but now wasn’t the time and we both knew it.
“I promised Zada while we were here that I would introduce her to chips and ice cream. Don’t suppose you know of anywhere we could get some do you?” The Doctor looked to me and there was a playful glint in his eyes, “Because I can’t break a promise to a little girl now can I.”
I nodded and told him we could pick up some chips on the way back to Dad’s house, chips that would be wrapped in newspaper and we had ice cream there that Zada could have some of. In truth, it was a ploy to get him to come home with me, a chance to spend some time with him…to have someone there so I could mourn…to just be with him.
*~*~*~*~*~*
An hour and two portions of chips later, I pulled the car up into the driveway of the house. There were still many cars there, friends of Mom and Dad there to pay their respects once more. On the drive to the house, the Doctor had explained to me how he had gotten here and who Zada was.
“I suppose you would call her a Seer,” he explained, “When you looked into the TARDIS, oh so long ago, those things you saw, well she can see them all of the time, she can manipulate them a little to. In the Crocortin Society she would be seen as a Princess even thought she does not have royal blood. Their rivals, the Luzacathatrins, stole her from her people for their own gain. And of course me being me saved the day and freed her from their jails. I was on the way back to Zada’s home planet; she was fast asleep next to me on the chair in the console room when suddenly she woke up crying. The TARDIS shifted and we landed here.” He scratched the back of his neck a little, “Zada, she made the TARDIS jump here, told me about her dream. About the sad woman who had lost so much, including her mother and the man she loved and how he had lost the woman he…” The Doctor looked out the car window and didn’t say anything else.
I looked in the rear view mirror at Zada and I reminded myself to give her the biggest bowl of ice cream and to thank her later, she had brought him back to me, even if it was just for the day, he was here with me. I smiled as I watched her, face pushed up against the window, watching in awe at the world zoom past her.
*~*~*~*~*~*
“Wose!” As I climbed out of the car David ran over to me and clung onto my legs, hiding a little when he saw the Doctor and Zada climb out behind me. I bent down to pick him up.
“Well, who’s this little fellow then?”
“Doctor, Zada, this is my little brother David. David, this is Zada, and that man there.” I pointed to the Doctor, “Remember how I told you stories of how I used to travel with a man called the Doctor. That is him.”
David’s eyes went a little wide and he hid his face in my shoulder. “He’s shy,” I explained. That caused the Doctor to laugh. Neither I, Mom nor Dad were shy, but my brother was, he probably couldn’t believe it.
So two portions of chips and four bowls of ice cream, because David had joined us, later, David took Zada up to his room to show her all his toys and I was left alone with the Doctor. The first time in over 5 years and I suddenly felt awkward.
“You look good.” He said softly, eyes meeting my own and I couldn’t help but blush, “Time has been kind to you.”
“You don’t look any different from when I last saw you…actually…you don’t look as tired. I...” I heard the front door close followed by Dad’s voice, then Mickey’s. I wasn’t ready to share the Doctor with anyone yet; I needed time with him alone. Standing I held my hand out to him and he took it in an instant allowing me to lead him out of the kitchen, up the back stairs and into my room.
It felt strange, guiding him up the stairs and into my room, the only non family member who had been in there was Mickey and he was practically family. “So how long are you staying?” I sat down on the edge of my bed because there really wasn’t anywhere else to sit in my room.
“Oh, you know.” The Doctor replied, as he walked around my room and picked up items and looked them, “As long as it takes I suppose, well that or when Zada decides she wants to go home.”
“What takes?” I had no idea what he was talking about, he’d just walked back into my life and I didn’t understand why.
“Zada brought us here because of you Rose, because if I didn’t come then…well let’s just say that things would get harder around here.” He picked up a snow globe and shook it and watched the glitter swirl around the scene inside of it. Setting it back down he began to walk again, only he stopped when he noticed the key to the TARDIS in a glass frame on my wall. “I thought you might have gotten rid of that old thing by now.”
“How could I?” I replied, “It’s all I have left from our time together. My one piece of the Doctor.” I fell silent for a while, not knowing what to say to him. “I looked for you,” I whispered softly and looked down at the carpet, “I never stopped, in five years I never stopped trying to find some sign of you. I…”
The Doctor sat and took my hand, “It doesn’t matter, I’m here now.” He smiled softly at me, “And it is so good to see you.”
Tears began to prickle my eyes once more and they fell down my cheeks. Of all the times he came back into my life, this really was the time I needed him the most. “I missed you,” the tears fell faster and I turned to look away but his hand went to my cheek, brushing away the tears and turning me back to look at him.
“I missed you too, but you should never dwell on the past.” His thumb brushed my cheek slowly and there was a sad smile on his face, “Well not unless you are visiting it.” His hand moved to my hair and he pulled me close once more, arms wrapping around me, protective and warm. “I’m sorry about your Mom.” He pressed a kiss into my temple, nuzzled against my hair slightly and just held be again as I cried.
My Doctor…My protector.
I drew back a little and looked into his eyes, I was so close to him, so very close, I could almost feel his breath upon my face. Don’t live in the past, live for now. And if there was one thing I had learnt from the Doctor and losing him, and my mother’s death, was that you had to take every Moment and live for it. I leaned in, pressing my lips softly to his. I felt his body tense up in my arms and I knew I had made a mistake. As I began to draw back the Doctor twisted his fingers in my hair and pulled me back, this time meeting my lips with a kiss. And I fell into that kiss so easily.
*~*~*~*~*~*
I watched him sleep next to me in the bed, his arm lay across my bare stomach, and for the first time in over five years I felt like I was home. Finally sleep took me as I cuddled up against him, his arms wrapped around me, keeping me close.
*~*~*~*~*~*
Fingers moved softly through my hair and as I stirred I felt lips softly kissing my shoulder, my neck, my jaw and finally my lips. What a way to be woken up, being kissed and seduced by the man you loved. We made love for the second time since he took hold of my hand at my mother’s funeral, each as amazing as the other.
Breakfast was interesting. Dad sat there with David and Zada when we finally got downstairs; they both said their hellos and then nothing else, the only talking in the room came from Zada and David. Reaching under the table I squeezed the Doctor’s hand softly and he turned to look at me and smiled for just one Moment before he turned to look over at Dad.
“That’s a handsome little boy you have there, he’s got Jackie’s eyes.”
A sad look flickered over Dad’s face, “He a lot like Jackie but with all the stuff that’s been happening, with Torchwood and all, he’s a little quieter than the rest of us. This is the most I’ve seen him talk in a long time.”
“Well that’s good, about him talking more.” More silence.
“Doctor,” Zada slowly looked up at him with her clear eyes, “It’s time.”
He just nodded slowly.
“Time…time for what?” I didn’t understand and I didn’t want to think about it. Something inside me told me it was time for him to leave but after last night and this morning, I just couldn’t even comprehend that.
“Come with me,” The Doctor was looking at me as he said those words, “There is still so much I have to show you, we never made it to Barcelona.”
I looked at him for a Moment, completely dumb struck and then looked over at my Dad.
“Go on luv,” there was graveness in his voice, “You know you will never forgive yourself if you don’t.”
“But…” I didn’t want to leave him behind, he’d just lost Mom and there was David now too.
“No buts...go on, go get packed.”
I still didn’t move. I looked over at David and then back at Dad, it was just the two of them now and I wouldn’t leave them on their own.
“Rose,” My Dad looked me in the eyes, “I love you, and I know I’m not your real father but you have been a daughter to me and I know that, in truth, you will never be happy here. You wouldn’t be happy anywhere unless it was with the Doctor. He is the only person who can really make you happy and you know it.”
I sat there for a Moment longer then nodded slowly. He was right, if I didn’t go with the Doctor I would regret for the rest of my life and I’d been searching for him ever since I had arrived in this dimension, if I let him leave without me…There would be no getting over it. More so since our relationship had developed in the short time since his arrival in this dimension.
*~*~*~*~*~*
Dad helped me pack while the Doctor watched over David and Zada in the garden; this was going to be hard, on both of us, but more so on Dad. And yet he was helping me pack my things and move on with my life, move on and out of his forever. We both knew that I would never see him again; there was no way that could happen. The Doctor had once said it were impossible for him to be here, trying twice, well that would probably make the universe implode.
I was left along in my room, Dad had taken my bags down and I had one thing left to do, I had to get the key to the only place that ever felt like home to me.
I can’t speak of the goodbyes, they still hurt too much. I gave up every part of my family to be with the man I loved, but that is what love is about. Giving and sacrificing to make the things you really want to happen, happen. I am sure David grew up to be a handsome caring man and probably broke a few hearts along the way, no doubt he ended up working at Torchwood, married some beautiful woman and had a beautiful family…but that is something I will never know.
*~*~*~*~*~*
The TARDIS stood there, almost as if it was waiting for me, but I knew it was waiting for the Doctor really. Butterflies twisted up in my stomach when he slid his key into the door, I took a step back, I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t just leave everything behind, not now, not after last time. He seemed to sense my uncertainty and turned to see me step away.
“Rose?” I heard the concern in his voice, I saw the hurt in his eyes, “Rose, what’s wrong?” And for the first time he looked old and tired to me, his usual calm composure seemed to crumble, “Don’t you want to come?”
“I…” I looked back to where Dad sat in the jeep and then back to the Doctor, “I’m scared.” This wasn’t just about exploring the world any more, it was about life, a relationship…it was about loving someone and being loved back. I was scared he would realise I wasn’t the same Rose I used to be, that one day he would wake up and realise he didn’t want me there any more and I would be left behind somewhere without any family or friends. “Are you sure you want this?”
“Aren’t you?” He pushed open the door to let Zada inside and turned back to me, “This might be our only chance Rose. You can come with me and live the life you wanted to 5 years ago, or you can turn around and climb back into that jeep and fade into history.” He cupped my cheek, “But I know you Rose, and I know that you want adventure and when the fear subsides you will hardly ever look back.”
For the briefest Moment I hated him for being right.
*~*~*~*~*~*
In over 5 years the TARDIS had hardly changed, my eyes scanned the insides looking for something different, but there was nothing to be seen.
“Come on, this way.” The Doctor headed towards the back of the TARDIS, towards the stairs and no doubt my room. As I walked past the console I slowly ran my fingers over her smooth surface, in the back of my mind I was sure I heard the TARDIS sighing, maybe she had, she was connected to the Doctor after all.
By the time I had unpacked my things Zada was fast asleep on my bed and I’d decided not to disturb her, it was cruel to wake up a sleeping child, more so when you owned her so much. I found myself back in the console room, sat on the chair with my feet resting up on the control centre, and I was biting my nails.
“Glad to see you still have that habit, I was worried you might actually start being grown up.” He smiled and I smiled back. He was trying very hard to keep the mood light. The doctor always knew when something was wrong, and after what I had just left behind me, he would be an idiot not to realise I wasn’t the happiest person in the universe.
We sat up all night talking about what we had done over the last five years. He told me of the adventures he’d had, the lives he’d saved and the people he had picked up and promptly dropped off along the way. I felt giddy because the way he spoke, it was almost like no one was good enough to be his companion, at least not after me. I told him about Torchwood, about Mom and Dad, about Mickey and Jake. I spoke of the few friends I had made, but how really I had spent most of most of my time working, or searching for him. I told him how I had tried to live but I hadn’t quiet got it right, how everyone else seemed to but I just couldn’t. I talked and talked and he just listened, so many things I needed to get off of my chest. I ended up sleeping where we sat, my head resting on his shoulder and his arm around me keeping me close.
*~*~*~*~*~*
Two days later we took Zada back home to her people and once more it was just the two of us, travelling through time and space at one another’s side. With each day brought a new adventure, a new planet or alien species, a new time we had never visited. We also visited some of the places we had been before; old memories caused us to laugh and brought us closer together.
As days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months we spent less and less time sleeping on our own in our own rooms and more time together in his. Six month after we had taken Zada home I was all but moved into his room, the largest one in the TARDIS.
*~*~*~*~*~*
For my 30th birthday he took me back to Earth, Paris, early 1900’s. We had dinner, watched the sunset from the top of the Eiffel Tower and it was the first place he told me he loved me. I felt fit to burst when I heard those words, but he seemed nervous, he wouldn’t look at me. He had almost told me once before, and at that Moment I couldn’t stop fretting, was he going to leave me again?
He pulled a small box from the jacket of his suit and slowly opened it. Inside it was my mother’s wedding ring. I’d never even thought about our relationship developing any more than it had, I was happy with him.
“Your father gave this to me when you were packing. Said I would know when to give it to you. Rose…this isn’t about marriage or anything like that. I’m not really that kind of man but…” He rubbed the back of his neck before taking hold of my hand, “I love you and I want you to have all the things you have ever wanted and.” He laughed at himself, “It’s not really very romantic is it, me saying this like this.” Taking the ring from the box the Doctor slipped it onto my finger, my ring finger, “I want you to be mine, and I want everyone to know how you have changed my life.”
*~*~*~*~*~*
There were hard times of course, times when we argued, times when we didn’t speak to one another for days, times when we slept in the same bed, backs to one another and at opposite ends of the mattress. But the good times always out weighed the bad, all that was needed was a sorry, a smile or even a touch of our hands to make everything better and take away the gap that had formed between us because of an argument. Things never stayed bad for long, they never could. Not between us.
I never noticed how our adventures went from being dangerous to being more like holidays; the Doctor had been good at that. If there was anything dangerous he somehow seemed to be able to mask most of it from me, I was getting old and I was starting to slow him down. And yet the Doctor never complained, he never once told me I was getting in his way; he always looked at me with the same loving look in his eyes. I was getting old and yet he didn’t care and I never seemed to notice how old I was getting or how old I felt.
*~*~*~*~*~*
It was when I was almost 67 that I realised how old I was, I glanced in the window of a shop and someone gave me this look that said, what the hell is she doing with someone like him. I was almost 70 and the Doctor hadn’t aged, and it was the first time since we had found one another that I regretted coming with him. How long would it be before I died and left him alone once more? This time my leaving him would be worse, we had spent a lifetime together and now I was living out the last few years of my life. I started to pull back from him. At first he thought it was just a woman thing, and then it got worse.
“Rose. Have I done something to upset you?” He sat me down, holding onto my hands with such a worried look on his face, “I hope that what ever it is I have done you can forgive me for.”
I looked away but he knew the signs well now. Over 40 years I had been at his side and he could read me like I was a book. “I’m getting old and I am slowly dying.”
“No, Rose Tyler, you will never grow old. You are as young hearted and beautiful as you were when I first met you.”
I smiled at him, tears falling down my old tired cheeks, “Soon you will be on your own and there will be no way for you to find me, Doctor I…” He silenced me with a kiss and in that kiss I felt his pain and sadness. He knew I was dying too, that our time together was slowly running out and there was nothing he could do about it. “You gave me the best life any girl could ever ask for.”
“Even with all the life threatening dangers and things wanting to kill you?”
I nodded. “I love you, and you showed me what it was to have a real life, and you loved me with both your hearts.”
A few months later I collapsed. We were in London, the year was 2246, and we were looking around Buckingham Palace when it happened. Well, actually we were running around it. When the Royal family was voted out they opened up Buckingham Palace to the public and we were just there having a little look around and as usual something bad was happening. The Doctor and I got involved and it ended up with him saving the day and my heart giving out.
*~*~*~*~*~*
For weeks he sat by my bedside in the hospital, just holding my hand and watching me. He wanted me to have one of those fake hearts but I asked him where it would stop. I wouldn’t keep doing things to my body just to stay alive. I wouldn’t become Cassandra. One day I woke up to see him sat there crying and I knew that this was hurting him; sitting there and watching me die. I’d tried to tell him to leave but he just looked at me and held my hand tighter in his own, his face set in a way that I knew not to mention it again. He looked so tired, scruffy and unshaven, his usually smart suit was crumpled and he looked so very old to me.
“Take me out of here. Take me somewhere to watch the sunset,” I wouldn’t add one last time. I wasn’t ready to die but I knew it was almost time and I didn’t want to die in a hospital, I wanted it to be somewhere for the both of us. Somewhere he could hold me and I would just slip away. That night the Doctor carried me back to the TARDIS, I wouldn’t let him take me to our bedroom, I wanted to stay in the console room with him. He settled me into the chair, set the coordinates and headed to the bedroom to get me a blanket to keep me warm.
Sparks flew up from the console and I frowned, we couldn’t get stuck, not now. Looking back I saw no sign of the Doctor so I made my way, so very slowly, around the controls and tried to see what was happening. I reached for a leaver when the TARDIS jolted and I held on tightly, so careful not to fall. There was a sound, a soft creaking and then singing, I could hear singing and it was so peaceful, so sad.
Stepping back I saw the first soft whispers of light from inside the TARDIS as she opened up to me, this time of her own freewill. Standing there I was transfixed by the light and by the music that filled my head. She was mourning because the Doctor was too, and as I looked into her she showed me so much. She showed me the Doctor and the life we had had together.
Tears fell down my cheeks as I looked into the bright heart of the TARDIS, she showed me his heart, how much I had meant to him and how much he had loved me and always would. And as I stood there I let all my guards down and I let her know everything in my life. And we were one once more.
“Rose…are you alright, I felt the shudder and…” His words failed him as he saw me standing there surrounded by such brilliant light. “Rose, no…look away.” He was begging me but I didn’t look away. I couldn’t.
The light consumed me and I felt weak, I was ready to die because there was nothing in my life I wasn’t glad about. My life had been full and happy and I had no regrets.
I heard the Doctor cry out and slam the TARDIS closed, she lurched and my legs gave way causing me to tumble to the ground. “Rose!” He was at my side holding my hand, fear filling his eyes, “Not yet, just a little while longer. Then you can see your sunset.” He turned to face the console, “Why did you have to do this, why her, why now?” Anger filled his face as he shouted at the TARDIS, “Rose…Look at me,” his hand was on my cheek and it was shaking, “Rose, listen to me, look at me.”
I opened my eyes slowly, they were tinged softly with gold but I hadn’t taken the Vortex into me. This was something else.
*~*~*~*~*~*
He carried me from the TARDIS, a blanket wrapped around me, and settled us both down on the warm sand, just enough time left before the sun began to set. Holding me close the Doctor kissed my hair, my temple, entwined our fingers together like he had done so many times. “Rose…” his voice broke a little as he began to talk, “I wanted you to know that…that you’ve meant the world to me and I will never be able to forget you and...” I felt him hide his face in my hair and the dampness of his tears as they fell against me.
“I was fantastic?” I laughed softly, shivering weakly in his arms, “So were you.” Shifting a little in his arms I smiled at him, “You were everything I ever wanted and so much more.” Tears fell down my cheeks and the shivering got worse. Reaching up I ran my fingers down his damp cheek and pulled him down for one last kiss.
As the sun set I took my last breath and went limp in the Doctors arms. He held me close until the sun rose the next morning, my body cold against his. But he just wouldn’t let go of me. He couldn’t. I had been his life for so long that he couldn’t let me go, he wouldn’t.
*~*~*~*~*~*
He laid me down on our bed in our room in the TARDIS and set the coordinates for Earth, 2006, the day I had officially died all those years ago. It was what I had asked for; I wanted to be buried in my own time in the place I was born, right near my grandparents and my father.
But when the TARDIS landed he still wasn’t ready to let me go. That night he lay down on the bed next to my body and cried. He cried himself to sleep because his hearts were breaking. Exhaustion finally took him over and he fell into a deep sleep.
The next morning he woke with a start. Warm breath tickled his neck, a warm hand held onto his. Letting out a cry he moved and fell out of bed, slowly peering up and over the top of it and right at the person who had been there cuddled up to him.
I wish I had been awake to see the look on the Doctors face, but there I was, living and breathing and fast asleep on the bed. Not only that but I didn’t look a day over 23. “R-Rose?”
“Not now…it’s too early!” I groaned sleepily.
He sat up a little more and peered over me to the place he had laid my old, un-breathing body the night before.
“Uh…Rose?”
“What?” I sat up, my hair all tussled and exhaustion set on my face.
“Um…you died. Last night, you died.”
Slowly I opened an eye and looked at him, “I fell asleep watching the sunset.”
“No, you were dead. As is not breathing.”
“Funny, really funny.” I laid back down and pulled the covers back over me.
He pulled them away once more, “I’m not being funny, in fact this is as far from funny as I can be. Last night you died in my arms and now you are living and breathing and…well your young again.”
“Shut up” I couldn’t help but groan at him, as I tried to pull the covers back over my head. I was tired and he was talking rubbish.
“Rose, will you listen to me. I’m not lying…here.” He put a mirror in my hands, “See for yourself.”
Slowly I brought the mirror up and over my face, just to humour him of course, and as I opened my eyes I saw a young me looking back from the glass. “Oh my god.” I sat bolt up right and touched my face, my neck and then down to my chest. It was pert and rounded, there was no sign of old age about me at all, although my eyes seemed to be the same with just an added sparkle.
“Can I?” The Doctor playfully reached out to grab my chest and I swatted his hand away, “I don’t understand. I…” and from the look on his face he didn’t understand either.
“Oh…Oh…brilliant.” He jumped up onto the bed and kissed me before running out of the bedroom, “Oh you are beautiful, wonderful. I take back anything bad I ever said about you.”
I finally found the Doctor in the console room kissing the controls, “You are so good, yes you are… my good girl.”
“Doctor?”
“Oh Rose.” He picked me up and spun me around, “She did it, my wonderful TARDIS did it. She brought you back to me and…do you remember when we had to take Margaret back to her home world after she had been turned back into an egg, well the TARDIS did something like that to you. She opened up to you and she....” He set me down and petted the controls, “Who’s a good girl? Who’s a very good girl?”
Turning he pulled me into a lip crushing kiss, his arms wrapping tightly around me. “I thought I had lost you” he mumbled softly as the kiss broke so we could breathe, “I thought I would never see my Rose again.”
I smiled and ran my fingers softly up his cheeks, “Does this mean you can have a shave now?” Teasing his lips with my own I smiled, “And change into some clean clothes.”
“As long as you stop wearing old lady clothes.”
Laughing I kissed him once more, his fingers tangling in my hair and pulling me closer to him, “And as long as you never scared me like that again.”
“Deal,” I whispered softly, but I knew it wasn’t a promise I could keep. With the Doctor came the monsters and with the monsters came danger but I would face any danger to be by his side, to have him love me.
*~*~*~*~*~*
We made love in the shower and then spent the rest of the day and night in bed, exploring one another’s bodies and exploring old territories, parts of our lives that had gone unexplored as I had aged.
It was almost a week before we spent a whole day out of bed. I was exhausted from the change and from all the sex we seemed to be having, and the Doctor was exhausted from never leaving my bedside whilst I was in the hospital and, of course, the sex.
*~*~*~*~*~*
The TARDIS opened to me once more after that day and things were never the same again. I never aged. Here I am writing this, I am over 300 years old now and I do not look a day over 25. The TARDIS, the Doctor and I have been through many adventures but none will be as difficult as the one we are about to embark on.
You see, the last time the TARDIS opened up to me she manipulated the atoms in my body and now I am…
The pen was removed from Rose’s hand and tossed onto the floor, along with the journal she had been writing in.
“Hey, I was almost finished with that.”
“Well almost isn’t close enough. We’ve landed and there are things we need to do, important things.” The Doctor moved onto the bed next to Rose and kissed her temple and then her lips, “Besides, we both know that women love to shop till they drop.”
Reaching over Rose hit his arm softly and shook her head, “I’m not that bad. Besides, we have to make sure we get everything we need. Who knows how long is left and when we might be back here.”
“So very true.” The Doctor kissed Rose once more, his hand trailing over her side and resting on the curve of her stomach, “Only the best for my wife and my baby.”
Rose laced her fingers with the Doctors and smiled softly, “Say that again.”
“What, the so very true bit.” He was teasing her of course.
“No the other bit.”
“Only the best for my wife,” he kissed her once more on the lips before trailing a line of kisses down between her breasts, and over the bump that was her stomach, “And my baby.”
Brushing her fingers through his hair Rose smiled. “I once thought the world hated me, that it did everything it could to me to make my life a living hell. And now I couldn’t ask for a better life.”
And it was the truth, she couldn’t. Rose had the man she loved and they had a child on the way, thanks to the TARDIS. They had adventure, they had happiness and most of all they had one another. And over time their relationship stayed strong and they kept one another safe.
As the Doctor headed to the wardrobe room, Rose picked up the journal once more.
…going to be a mother. My adventures are beginning all over again and even if I go to the same places and the same times, the experience will be different because we will have our son or daughter with us.
So there it was the story of how I really died. And yet here I am, living, breathing and embarking on new adventures every day. Yeah. You could say I am the luckiest girl who ever lived. But then anyone who has had their life touched by the Doctor is lucky. I’m just luckier that he loves me and wants me to be by his side.