(no subject)
Well, since no one reads this one this seems to be a safe place to vent . . .
I'm afraid that I'm about to fall into a very dark depression. I have felt like a failure ever since the accident. Last night on the ride back up to Columbia, my wallet fell out of my coat pocket in my aunt's car. I didn't realize it until she was almost back in Charleston. The feeling of failure, of lacking something important in myself has really begun to set in. It feels as if even God is shaking His head and telling me I've got nothing. He blesses my step-brothers with the things I desire greatly - families of their own. Even though theirs are unhealthy ones, steeped in sin and not viewed and cherishes for the blessings they are.
I failed Elizabeth, failed my good friend, when we had the accident. She missed her first flight. She could have been hurt. I failed my dad with the accident, too - he didn't believe I could keep a hold of that truck. I failed Elizabeth's parents because their daughter was with me.
I don't have my wallet - no money, no license. I probably won't be able to finish the DVD. I'll have failed Jolly, Danny, Elizabeth, Charissa, Josh, Ben and Valerie . . . myself.
I am so tired of lacking. Of failing those around me and myself. Tired of wanting, of desiring, of being the artist of the family, of being different. I don't know how much I have left to give without totally betraying who I am.
I'm afraid that I'm about to fall into a very dark depression. I have felt like a failure ever since the accident. Last night on the ride back up to Columbia, my wallet fell out of my coat pocket in my aunt's car. I didn't realize it until she was almost back in Charleston. The feeling of failure, of lacking something important in myself has really begun to set in. It feels as if even God is shaking His head and telling me I've got nothing. He blesses my step-brothers with the things I desire greatly - families of their own. Even though theirs are unhealthy ones, steeped in sin and not viewed and cherishes for the blessings they are.
I failed Elizabeth, failed my good friend, when we had the accident. She missed her first flight. She could have been hurt. I failed my dad with the accident, too - he didn't believe I could keep a hold of that truck. I failed Elizabeth's parents because their daughter was with me.
I don't have my wallet - no money, no license. I probably won't be able to finish the DVD. I'll have failed Jolly, Danny, Elizabeth, Charissa, Josh, Ben and Valerie . . . myself.
I am so tired of lacking. Of failing those around me and myself. Tired of wanting, of desiring, of being the artist of the family, of being different. I don't know how much I have left to give without totally betraying who I am.