The Truth About Motherhood
The truth about motherhood is this...
It's wonderful, overwhelming, exhausting, fulfilling, but what people often fail to mention is how often it's absolutely terrifying.
This is Sabrina.
Yesterday, greeted by her smiling face, I caressed her chest as I cooed at her and suddenly felt a lump on her chest. I tore open her pajamas, lifted her onesie, and there it was...a tiny, very noticeable bumpy mass under her tiny breast.
The feel of that little lump wasn't so unfamiliar--I'd felt a number of lumps like it all over my dog. It was that familiarity that frightened me--those lumps on the dog had to be tested to rule out cancer. Suddenly, I was looking at my tiny 3 month old baby and wondering if this lump on her chest was a tumor.
I called the doctor that very second and scheduled an appointment for that afternoon. After I did so, I left the babies with my MIL, left the house, and drove away sobbing hysterically.
HYSTERICALLY. And I hadn't even gone to the doctor yet. But this fear--this terror that something could be wrong with my darling little baby took hold of me and would not let go. I could not shake this feeling of overwhelming doom.
In the end, it was nothing--absolutely nothing. Something called a "breast bud" resulting from shifting hormones in her system thanks to my breast milk; a completely common thing and nothing at all to be worried about at all.
But can I tell you? I have never, never, NEVER been so terrified in all my life. My mind would NOT stop racing with all the horrible things that could and would have to be done if she, in fact, had cancer.
I have not wept like that since...well, since I don't know when. Honestly? The way I was behaving anyone would have thought I'd already received tragic news.
Yes, motherhood is wonderful but that enormous love that makes a mother's heart swell means that any pain the child feels is magnified infinitely for that mother, especially if there is nothing she can do to alleviate that child's pain.
A friend of mine asked me once if I loved E more than M. It's a different sort of love, of course, but the love I feel for these children o'mine is like nothing I can describe. Nothing brings me more joy than these children and nothing would destroy me like knowing they were hurt. I think I could handle anything befalling me, but something happening to these four? I don't know if I'd ever recover.
It's wonderful, overwhelming, exhausting, fulfilling, but what people often fail to mention is how often it's absolutely terrifying.
This is Sabrina.
Yesterday, greeted by her smiling face, I caressed her chest as I cooed at her and suddenly felt a lump on her chest. I tore open her pajamas, lifted her onesie, and there it was...a tiny, very noticeable bumpy mass under her tiny breast.
The feel of that little lump wasn't so unfamiliar--I'd felt a number of lumps like it all over my dog. It was that familiarity that frightened me--those lumps on the dog had to be tested to rule out cancer. Suddenly, I was looking at my tiny 3 month old baby and wondering if this lump on her chest was a tumor.
I called the doctor that very second and scheduled an appointment for that afternoon. After I did so, I left the babies with my MIL, left the house, and drove away sobbing hysterically.
HYSTERICALLY. And I hadn't even gone to the doctor yet. But this fear--this terror that something could be wrong with my darling little baby took hold of me and would not let go. I could not shake this feeling of overwhelming doom.
In the end, it was nothing--absolutely nothing. Something called a "breast bud" resulting from shifting hormones in her system thanks to my breast milk; a completely common thing and nothing at all to be worried about at all.
But can I tell you? I have never, never, NEVER been so terrified in all my life. My mind would NOT stop racing with all the horrible things that could and would have to be done if she, in fact, had cancer.
I have not wept like that since...well, since I don't know when. Honestly? The way I was behaving anyone would have thought I'd already received tragic news.
Yes, motherhood is wonderful but that enormous love that makes a mother's heart swell means that any pain the child feels is magnified infinitely for that mother, especially if there is nothing she can do to alleviate that child's pain.
A friend of mine asked me once if I loved E more than M. It's a different sort of love, of course, but the love I feel for these children o'mine is like nothing I can describe. Nothing brings me more joy than these children and nothing would destroy me like knowing they were hurt. I think I could handle anything befalling me, but something happening to these four? I don't know if I'd ever recover.