(no subject)
I accidentally threw away my sister's review for finals.
it was sitting on the table downstairs, next to a pile of shit she found of mine and told me to throw away
because it was useless.
so i assumed the same pile of her shit was useless as well.
and now i have a sister who hates my fucking guts.
I really just wanted to go home at 4
and despite the promises my dad had made earlier,
he decided to pick sasha up instead
and take her on a boat ride in lake pleasant because he felt that she deserved some quality time with her dad.
and i assumed that something serious had come up.
because he wouldnt fucking shut up.
and ever time i step foot into this house,
i lose all hope of ever leaving.
because it is always a continuous strenuous cycle.
of shallow asumptions and misconceptions
and the same playlist of emotions, over and over.
nothing is really better at school, and everything seems to be horrible for me, once again.
because this time last year,
i was breaking down and on 2 pills of zoloft a day
and yesterday
i found a journal of one of her past lovers, dated this time last year.
and the poor girl was complaining as to why everything was so complex with her
and why they couldnt just love each other.
[really, it is because some people are just unable to hold on to good things]
and i feel myself slipping away, because there has never been a time when it was her fault.
it was just my inability to say something
or my over-reaction to somethign miniscule
i have all of this hatred.. towards self hatred..
so does that leave me with blaming others because i never find myself wrong?
do i always need a scape goat for my bad days?
because right now,
i miss her and i feel selfish for wanting so much of her time and effort.
(and i can almost hear how drained she is from a half-year of putting up with my bullshit)
and i know again that this was not her fault
and it isn't the fault of my parents
or my upbringing
or my situations and circumstances.
it is just to the fault that i am unable to just have a day
because how entertaining is normal?
so when things are bad, i blame them outward
and when things are great, which they seldom are in my bipolar eyes...
when things are really great... i am normally not home.
and i want to see her on friday, spend the night on saturday,
but i was so upset with the outcome of last weekend (where she was working friday to sun)
that i decided to get the hell out of my house
and go to a rave on saturday with Kira and Christina.
because before that, she was coming on wednesday.
i am going through withdrawals from feeling complete and in her arms.
-Mary