Time to get personal.
Below is a message I just typed up and sent to my mother. The last week and a half has been fairly depressing, as I have done nothing but watch myself sink into a lethargic, depressive state. I can see what is happening to me, but it's hard to actually get to changing things. Anyway, I sent this to my mother in hopes that maybe it can change things. But like I said to her, I'm not sure it will. Here goes:
So I was originally planning on sending you a big long message telling you how things were going well, how Amber is a good thing for me, and for me to have around and all sorts of other things. But before I got to actually writing it I was overcome with the thought: It won't make a difference. And I realize that just might be it. Why is there a point to me trying in life, with strangers, around strangers, if my effort is lost to my mother, who is supposed to love me?
Two years ago when I first started changing things around, I decided there were 3 things in life that mattered, health, love and money. I decided health was the best option to work on first, as it was an almost completely solo effort (aside from finding the right food) and thus I was the only obstacle. That went fairly well. I was then going to work on money, as you need money to get a girl. But since there was only so many jobs I could apply to, I decided to put some free time out on dating websites, since both efforts were better than doing nothing in life.
I ended up finding a great girl before I found any job. She inspires me, she makes me want to be better, while telling me I am amazing already. It's very positive reinforcement. She adores me and tells me frequently, it's very much the opposite of life with you. Maybe that's why you don't like her, because she's not you, but that's not my fault, and I don't see why I should be penalized for it, so I hope that's not the case.
Amber, as well as the laborer job, messed things up a bit, threw me off, and I've lost a bit of the health-focused improvements I had made. I had gotten back to them again, with the help of Amber I actually cook meals instead of just reheating pop-tarts, and as she does Yoga, I would go run/bike. But the job was most important, and I was honestly looking, but could find nothing.
And this is where the problem lies, looking for work is going to take me a while. I don't have the resume, I don't have the skills, I don't have the certification. I have the ability to be trained and I am very good at anything I put my mind to, so I have that. With Amber around, I have confidence. She makes me feel like I truly can do anything, so applying to a job is easy, and I'm not so nervous about it I give up, like I often have done.
But with you, and taking her away, there's this massive expectation to perform, and I just can't handle it. My past tells me I'm going to fail, when it comes to meeting your expectations, and when it comes to meeting my own. And you pressuring me and pushing this on me only makes me think of that more and more. And then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, I'm going to fail because I think I'm going to fail.
And because I can never meet your expectations. For most of the past couple years since I lost my weight, you were supportive and positive, at the very least, you were not negative. That really helped me to keep on going, you were taking a more laissez-faire approach to things and that meant I could continue doing things at a pace that works for me, and eventually I can get to a full level. But with Amber, that somehow changed. I don't know if it's her, or maybe stress at work, or pressure from your mother, but you went back to your crazy, psycho, negative ways.
That has a direct negative effect on me. Your mother still effects you, so you should be fully able to understand that. For the past week I've been sluggish and lazy, unfocused and unmotivated. I haven't felt like this in a year or two. I had a goal I was working towards, I had things going, things were getting better and better, a slight hiccup with the laborer position, no problem, that won't mess me up. But you can, and you have. I'm on the verge of falling back into how I was for many years, with no goals or aspirations past these walls or this basement.
I had things in line, I had a goal, I knew I needed a job, and I wanted a job. I was honestly seeking one and was only going to get more into it as time went on. But you had to come in and fuck things up. I don't understand why. At what point in my life has your intervention, when not asked for, helped me? Were you hoping to help me? Did you think it'd help me? Honestly, did you think you doing what you did would help me?
But see, I can get all emotional with you, but it only depresses me. Because like I said above about jobs, I'm stuck, I can't get one. So even if I were to hate you and want nothing to do with you (which is a reality you may yet earn yourself once I do get a job, if that's what you truly wish, mother) I can't get out of here. I have no means to leave, no money to do anything. So I'm stuck. Which is part of why I get sluggish and lazy, because I feel like there's nothing I can do to get out of my situation. Submitting to your unruly will is still a better situation than living on the streets. It's a depressing concept, but it's my reality.
If you were to truly want to help me, you need to be supportive. You need to let me do things my way. I've spent the last few years analyzing myself, figuring myself out, and recently working on bettering myself. It's a long work in progress, I have a long ways to go, it's not going to happen instantly. But I can become the son you can be proud of, but please let me do it my way. I understand me better than you ever will, because while you are my mother, we were never a close family. You don't know my inner workings or how I function (or if you do, you intentionally sabotage me, so I'd like to believe you just aren't aware) because I won't let you in. At times, like over the past few months, aside from the last few weeks, I was opening up to you and you were going to see more and more of who I really am. I was hoping to have a friendship with you better than you have with your mother.
I need Amber around. Helping Amber around, with walking, with getting her food/water, etc. isn't tiring to me. It motivates me, it energizes me. Because I'm already on the move doing things for her, I want to keep going and keep moving, often times. I am far more energetic, confident and happy with her around. I don't mean for her to truly move in, I do not intend to ask for that until I'm paying rent. But my relationship with her is mutually beneficial to the both of us, and in the end will be beneficial for you, I'm sure of it. I share more of a bond with Amber, after only 3 months, than I feel I did with Carrie, after all those years.
I would rather end on that note than continue further, so I'll leave it at only that much. I might be awake when you're home from work, hopefully I will be, in case you wish to discuss things and not simply tell me "no, that's all nice Matt, but it makes no difference." Because that response is the reason I don't try in life. And I want you to be a better mother than that.
Anyway, I'm aware there are a few things in there that could very well cause the entire effort to fall apart. But I've never been able to remove that from my way of speech and at this point I believe it's part of what makes me me, so I'm keeping it. I don't know how to express what I want to without saying some of those things, either. Who knows what will happen because of this...
So I was originally planning on sending you a big long message telling you how things were going well, how Amber is a good thing for me, and for me to have around and all sorts of other things. But before I got to actually writing it I was overcome with the thought: It won't make a difference. And I realize that just might be it. Why is there a point to me trying in life, with strangers, around strangers, if my effort is lost to my mother, who is supposed to love me?
Two years ago when I first started changing things around, I decided there were 3 things in life that mattered, health, love and money. I decided health was the best option to work on first, as it was an almost completely solo effort (aside from finding the right food) and thus I was the only obstacle. That went fairly well. I was then going to work on money, as you need money to get a girl. But since there was only so many jobs I could apply to, I decided to put some free time out on dating websites, since both efforts were better than doing nothing in life.
I ended up finding a great girl before I found any job. She inspires me, she makes me want to be better, while telling me I am amazing already. It's very positive reinforcement. She adores me and tells me frequently, it's very much the opposite of life with you. Maybe that's why you don't like her, because she's not you, but that's not my fault, and I don't see why I should be penalized for it, so I hope that's not the case.
Amber, as well as the laborer job, messed things up a bit, threw me off, and I've lost a bit of the health-focused improvements I had made. I had gotten back to them again, with the help of Amber I actually cook meals instead of just reheating pop-tarts, and as she does Yoga, I would go run/bike. But the job was most important, and I was honestly looking, but could find nothing.
And this is where the problem lies, looking for work is going to take me a while. I don't have the resume, I don't have the skills, I don't have the certification. I have the ability to be trained and I am very good at anything I put my mind to, so I have that. With Amber around, I have confidence. She makes me feel like I truly can do anything, so applying to a job is easy, and I'm not so nervous about it I give up, like I often have done.
But with you, and taking her away, there's this massive expectation to perform, and I just can't handle it. My past tells me I'm going to fail, when it comes to meeting your expectations, and when it comes to meeting my own. And you pressuring me and pushing this on me only makes me think of that more and more. And then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, I'm going to fail because I think I'm going to fail.
And because I can never meet your expectations. For most of the past couple years since I lost my weight, you were supportive and positive, at the very least, you were not negative. That really helped me to keep on going, you were taking a more laissez-faire approach to things and that meant I could continue doing things at a pace that works for me, and eventually I can get to a full level. But with Amber, that somehow changed. I don't know if it's her, or maybe stress at work, or pressure from your mother, but you went back to your crazy, psycho, negative ways.
That has a direct negative effect on me. Your mother still effects you, so you should be fully able to understand that. For the past week I've been sluggish and lazy, unfocused and unmotivated. I haven't felt like this in a year or two. I had a goal I was working towards, I had things going, things were getting better and better, a slight hiccup with the laborer position, no problem, that won't mess me up. But you can, and you have. I'm on the verge of falling back into how I was for many years, with no goals or aspirations past these walls or this basement.
I had things in line, I had a goal, I knew I needed a job, and I wanted a job. I was honestly seeking one and was only going to get more into it as time went on. But you had to come in and fuck things up. I don't understand why. At what point in my life has your intervention, when not asked for, helped me? Were you hoping to help me? Did you think it'd help me? Honestly, did you think you doing what you did would help me?
But see, I can get all emotional with you, but it only depresses me. Because like I said above about jobs, I'm stuck, I can't get one. So even if I were to hate you and want nothing to do with you (which is a reality you may yet earn yourself once I do get a job, if that's what you truly wish, mother) I can't get out of here. I have no means to leave, no money to do anything. So I'm stuck. Which is part of why I get sluggish and lazy, because I feel like there's nothing I can do to get out of my situation. Submitting to your unruly will is still a better situation than living on the streets. It's a depressing concept, but it's my reality.
If you were to truly want to help me, you need to be supportive. You need to let me do things my way. I've spent the last few years analyzing myself, figuring myself out, and recently working on bettering myself. It's a long work in progress, I have a long ways to go, it's not going to happen instantly. But I can become the son you can be proud of, but please let me do it my way. I understand me better than you ever will, because while you are my mother, we were never a close family. You don't know my inner workings or how I function (or if you do, you intentionally sabotage me, so I'd like to believe you just aren't aware) because I won't let you in. At times, like over the past few months, aside from the last few weeks, I was opening up to you and you were going to see more and more of who I really am. I was hoping to have a friendship with you better than you have with your mother.
I need Amber around. Helping Amber around, with walking, with getting her food/water, etc. isn't tiring to me. It motivates me, it energizes me. Because I'm already on the move doing things for her, I want to keep going and keep moving, often times. I am far more energetic, confident and happy with her around. I don't mean for her to truly move in, I do not intend to ask for that until I'm paying rent. But my relationship with her is mutually beneficial to the both of us, and in the end will be beneficial for you, I'm sure of it. I share more of a bond with Amber, after only 3 months, than I feel I did with Carrie, after all those years.
I would rather end on that note than continue further, so I'll leave it at only that much. I might be awake when you're home from work, hopefully I will be, in case you wish to discuss things and not simply tell me "no, that's all nice Matt, but it makes no difference." Because that response is the reason I don't try in life. And I want you to be a better mother than that.
Anyway, I'm aware there are a few things in there that could very well cause the entire effort to fall apart. But I've never been able to remove that from my way of speech and at this point I believe it's part of what makes me me, so I'm keeping it. I don't know how to express what I want to without saying some of those things, either. Who knows what will happen because of this...