ugh . . .
I've disappointed one of the most important people in my life. I feel rather horrible for it, especially for something that may seem small-- it definitely wasn't. It's not who you think it is either. Not my bunny, not Otto, not my mother, father, none of my friends. It was my grandmother. I don't post all that often about her, but most of you know that I live with her. Anyway, I promised that I'd help her bring her beastly glass-eating dog, Maya, to the vet on Friday morning, rain or shine, whether I was awake or not. On Thursday night I decided to go to the natural history museum to see a talk. Both the bunny and I went, and had a good tie. Forgetting all about y commitment, I decided that we should just stay at UNM, and so we did. I woke up quite early in the morning, and still did not recall that I was supposed to be anywhere. For some reason in the back of my mind, I felt like calling her all day on Friday, but I couldn't place exactly why; it was as if I had known I forgot something without being conscious of it.
Then Otto reminded me at Gamer's Club, and it really hit me like a solid brick. I couldn't have enjoyed the rest of my night if I tried. She went anyway, according to him, which only made me feel worse. Had a pretty bad night's sleep too, and woke up feeling really sick to my stomach.
My, if I believed in spiritual destiny, I'd say the Universe was punishing me. I had my guilt confirmed when I spoke with her this morning I apologized, and she responded by saying "This is one instance where I think an apology would be hard to accept. I think you need to do some hard work around the house to make it up to me." And that's all I needed. I would have begun immediately, but I wasn't about to begin cleaning the studio while I was feeling sick... last thing I needed was to vomit all over her Miter Saw. So feeling like utter shit in every sense of the word, I went out to the barn, and laid in my bed, stewing in an endless torrent of guilt 'til I fell asleep for a little while. my stomach felt better when I awoke, but not my mind.
I still feel pretty dunceful for what I did (or didn't do) I know and appreciate that she does so much for me. She's much more a mother figure for me than even my actual mother has been. So the things she asks me to do for her are absolutely nothing to me. It's my opionion that if she were a better woman, I probably would be kicked out-- and I mean that. She needs someone to count on to be there when they say they'll be around to help. And if I can't do that, well, I've really no reason to be here. I'm lucky that I can still call this place my home. It was that bad.
I can and will do much better in the future. I need no sympathy or anything of that sort. I just needed some place to vent this.
I'm off now. I won't be attending laser tag tonight, and I'll probably have the computer off too. I've got quite a bit to think about and do.
Later,
~Eagle
Then Otto reminded me at Gamer's Club, and it really hit me like a solid brick. I couldn't have enjoyed the rest of my night if I tried. She went anyway, according to him, which only made me feel worse. Had a pretty bad night's sleep too, and woke up feeling really sick to my stomach.
My, if I believed in spiritual destiny, I'd say the Universe was punishing me. I had my guilt confirmed when I spoke with her this morning I apologized, and she responded by saying "This is one instance where I think an apology would be hard to accept. I think you need to do some hard work around the house to make it up to me." And that's all I needed. I would have begun immediately, but I wasn't about to begin cleaning the studio while I was feeling sick... last thing I needed was to vomit all over her Miter Saw. So feeling like utter shit in every sense of the word, I went out to the barn, and laid in my bed, stewing in an endless torrent of guilt 'til I fell asleep for a little while. my stomach felt better when I awoke, but not my mind.
I still feel pretty dunceful for what I did (or didn't do) I know and appreciate that she does so much for me. She's much more a mother figure for me than even my actual mother has been. So the things she asks me to do for her are absolutely nothing to me. It's my opionion that if she were a better woman, I probably would be kicked out-- and I mean that. She needs someone to count on to be there when they say they'll be around to help. And if I can't do that, well, I've really no reason to be here. I'm lucky that I can still call this place my home. It was that bad.
I can and will do much better in the future. I need no sympathy or anything of that sort. I just needed some place to vent this.
I'm off now. I won't be attending laser tag tonight, and I'll probably have the computer off too. I've got quite a bit to think about and do.
Later,
~Eagle