(no subject)
I feel like I'm stuck in a whirlwind right now. But somehow, the wind feels like it's coming from many different sides. There are things that happen in L'ville that makes me feel so comfortable, so at home. Those moments remind me why I loved certain parts of high school, why I love these people and why they mean so much to me. These people have grown up with me and understand a particular side of me that only they can comprehend. I feel like they're my family, even if the feeling isn't mutual. I hate thinking that I might lose these people to time, to life's gradual erasing of memories and friendships. I want them to be a part of my life forever, and I afraid of that being taken away from me after this summer. But at the same time, I go into the room where my college stuff is stored and I get really sad because I want to go back so bad. I want to go back to simplicity and to people who understand me, but the other side of me that people at home can't understand. I had a different kind of happiness there because my freshman year saved me from myself. I hate how these two worlds are so completely separate and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I love how I feel comfortable in both of my lives but it hurts me more than it helps me sometimes.
I feel selfish and jealous way too often, I feel really guilty about it. At the same time, I feel like if I didn't have anything to be jealous about, I'd be happy. I work so hard and literally nothing comes of it; in fact, it's like I go back even further. I wish this was easy for me, like it is for so many people around me. I want to look at pictures and not hate myself. I want someone to hold hands with and hug all the time, for longer than three seconds. I want to have someone to text all day; I hate being with my friends with them ALWAYS, FREAKING, TEXTING and knowing that for the third day in a row I haven't recent a single text message. I want to have options again. I want someone to find me beautiful and sexy like they used to. I want to have someone to live with at UGA when I go there and I hate knowing that housing is my biggest concern with that situation, that's pathetic. I want so much, but shouldn't need this much. My emotions are a rollercoaster, with some days being completely satisfied and then others being waste of life.
When I was in New York these past few days, I got my palm read by a wonderful woman named Tina. She told me a lot of things, and I hope every single thing she said comes true. Be skeptical, but as sad as it may seem, she gave me more hope than anyone else has in a really long time.
Summer is going by too fast. I want something exciting to happen.