(no subject)
Months ago, a friend of Joe's commented that he'd had the impression I'd never particularly liked a good friend of theirs. Joe corrected him, but the comment weighed on me. More recently a friend of mine commented that I barely tolerate a mutual friend of ours. He and I push each other's buttons, I think, but I've never doubted there's mutual affection there. But now I'm wondering what other people see, what that mutual friend is under the impression I think of him.
I'm not always great with people. I'm reserved, sometimes. Sometimes I'm shy. Sometimes I'm standoffish or prickly, usually as a knee-jerk way of protecting my boundaries, but sometimes I just seem prickly when what I'm really feeling is nervousness or embarrassment that's so loud in my head it drowns out anything else I might be thinking or trying to say. My sense of humor is sometimes a little acerbic. I have a low tolerance for nonsense, and I don't take well to people giving me a hard time about things that are primarily my business, nor do I always deal graciously with unsolicited opinions. Sometimes it's a long, slow process to get behind my protective coating to my gooey caramel center. Sometimes the issue is just that I have it in my head that I don't know how to talk to normal people -- because of the school I went to, because of the family in which I grew up, because of how much time I spent in my own head as a kid. Sometimes, recently, the issue is that I've opted out of so many things that other people take for granted (mainstream schooling, traditional career paths, traditional parenting approaches, mainstream medical or dietary approaches...) that I feel totally out of place in most group conversations.
I'm also not great at keeping up with my friends. I think of the people in my life often, but that doesn't always translate to email or phone calls. Often because I just can't think of anything to say -- the sort of lowkey conversation that you'd have while sitting in the backyard with a couple iced teas never seems important or interesting enough to justify calling or writing. Sometimes because I don't know how not to sound standoffish over email, and it's easier to just keep putting it off instead of sitting down and writing something I'm going to wind up editing a half dozen times to see if I can make it sound friendly without feeling like I sound like an idiot. I'm often uneasy with overt sentimentality (which can also make it hard to stay in touch). Joe laughs and tells me I really am a guy at heart -- a friend needs me to drive a half a day out of my way to give them a ride, no questions asked? No problem. But oh God, you're not gonna make me talk about my feelings, are you? (this is not all of me, and it's not all the time, but when I sink into my inner guy, geez louise. Really doesn't make it easier to keep in touch with friends or family).
I'm not sure how much of this is stuff I'm looking to change. I'm more comfortable with myself than... possibly than I've ever been in my life, and I don't want to mess with that. Right now I'm just sitting with it, being aware of it and present with it -- 'when I do A, people tend to think B or do C'. And then, at some point down the line, I may think about what adjustments I feel willing or able to make, in order to get people to think or do something different.
(ETA: Okay, this makes it sound like I never try to be friendly or to make an effort to keep in touch, or as if I'm totally anti-social. Which isn't true -- it took years of pretending I wasn't shy but I'm finally at the point where I'm genuinely not shy, most of the time, although it still takes an effort. 80% of the time I genuinely enjoy parties and other large gatherings -- as long as I get in a little Introvert time before and after!)
I'm not always great with people. I'm reserved, sometimes. Sometimes I'm shy. Sometimes I'm standoffish or prickly, usually as a knee-jerk way of protecting my boundaries, but sometimes I just seem prickly when what I'm really feeling is nervousness or embarrassment that's so loud in my head it drowns out anything else I might be thinking or trying to say. My sense of humor is sometimes a little acerbic. I have a low tolerance for nonsense, and I don't take well to people giving me a hard time about things that are primarily my business, nor do I always deal graciously with unsolicited opinions. Sometimes it's a long, slow process to get behind my protective coating to my gooey caramel center. Sometimes the issue is just that I have it in my head that I don't know how to talk to normal people -- because of the school I went to, because of the family in which I grew up, because of how much time I spent in my own head as a kid. Sometimes, recently, the issue is that I've opted out of so many things that other people take for granted (mainstream schooling, traditional career paths, traditional parenting approaches, mainstream medical or dietary approaches...) that I feel totally out of place in most group conversations.
I'm also not great at keeping up with my friends. I think of the people in my life often, but that doesn't always translate to email or phone calls. Often because I just can't think of anything to say -- the sort of lowkey conversation that you'd have while sitting in the backyard with a couple iced teas never seems important or interesting enough to justify calling or writing. Sometimes because I don't know how not to sound standoffish over email, and it's easier to just keep putting it off instead of sitting down and writing something I'm going to wind up editing a half dozen times to see if I can make it sound friendly without feeling like I sound like an idiot. I'm often uneasy with overt sentimentality (which can also make it hard to stay in touch). Joe laughs and tells me I really am a guy at heart -- a friend needs me to drive a half a day out of my way to give them a ride, no questions asked? No problem. But oh God, you're not gonna make me talk about my feelings, are you? (this is not all of me, and it's not all the time, but when I sink into my inner guy, geez louise. Really doesn't make it easier to keep in touch with friends or family).
I'm not sure how much of this is stuff I'm looking to change. I'm more comfortable with myself than... possibly than I've ever been in my life, and I don't want to mess with that. Right now I'm just sitting with it, being aware of it and present with it -- 'when I do A, people tend to think B or do C'. And then, at some point down the line, I may think about what adjustments I feel willing or able to make, in order to get people to think or do something different.
(ETA: Okay, this makes it sound like I never try to be friendly or to make an effort to keep in touch, or as if I'm totally anti-social. Which isn't true -- it took years of pretending I wasn't shy but I'm finally at the point where I'm genuinely not shy, most of the time, although it still takes an effort. 80% of the time I genuinely enjoy parties and other large gatherings -- as long as I get in a little Introvert time before and after!)