flustered

[eaerendil]

so much to say, but how to say it.try as i might i can not bring myself to emotionally hurt others. even if they should be. even when they ask to be. the love and hate grow to together in one seething kettle of rage, torment, fulfillment, and kindness. which one will boil over first? how time have i left. i fear to turn it off, let it rest for a while. somehow the fire never really goes out. it just builds it's munitions till i attempt to light it again. FOOM! worse then it was before. mental anguish. how do i do this? the fear of what i might become is greater then the fear of what i am becoming. yet everyday it eats away. i dare not let it out. for it is a beast unto it's own. though i may let it take control. i seem to only suffer when it surfaces. so do those around me. i wish to give up. to detach myself from this life. leave it all. move away. how easy it would be. am i running from my fears or attempting to lessen the pain i might cause? how i want to yell and scream. to rip the flesh of the bones as a christmas present. reveal all there is inside. my flesh. my blood. succulent drink. pain of the morrow.

attempt to distance myself from this mess.
repressing in progress.