(no subject)
Disability's an odd concept. Some studies have shown that the amount of people who have conditions which are technically disabilities is far lower than the amount of people who would claim to be disabled. Which is for all sorts of reasons -- but mostly that we have an idea of "disabled" which we don't fit.
I have ADHD. Most of the time, I wouldn't say I'm disabled. I've been applying for med school for the last year and a half or so. I failed last year, told myself this would be the last try.
I just realised I horrendously blew my application for the course I really want. (No, really want. Like, "it's going back to a home" want. "I got my dad a job on the course" want. "It's paid for and also the only/first graduate medicine course in my country" want.) In an utterly pointless admin-y hoop way.
So there's this aptitude test you have to do for it. It's really straightforward -- it's like a driving theory test of "don't be horribly morally bad at being a doctor", but with much lower pass threshold.
I had forgotten/not realised that this result didn't work for/last for two years, unlike the more serious "actually measure how smart you are" one. And the test was only running for three months and closed a month ago.
I'm going to email, but I suspect "Is it okay that I didn't do this specifically requested test to get into your university course for the reason you state explicitly is not okay" has an obvious answer. I got the obvious response. I replied, trying the disability/equality Act angle.
Because the Equality Act's interesting. It bans anything that disproportionately makes it difficult for someone of protected characteristic from being there. And the question of proportionality is tricky. (I mean, the degree to which "notices little bureaucratic details like that" is something you want in a doctor is high. The maddening thing is that I do notice those little details. What lets me down, always is consistency.) That said, I've little hope.
Sinking into a bath, after an attempt at working-out the pain away. Realising I've cocked up, made another stupid unforced error. (Like so many times before. Because I have, over and over again made these stupid mistakes.) And need to come up with another plan. But this hurts and I'll pretend it's not real for as long as I can.
The third big wham moment of the week, that re-evaluates everything. And if I sink my ears into the water, stare into the corner of the room, it almost feels like I can feel it. Like I can feel this, the now. I am here. And, as always. I know what I've done.
I don't know why I'm still single. I don't know how I can get back into a therapy that works. I don't know how I can find good, challenging work that plays to my strength. And my life's slipping by, the thirties that are maybe the last chance to reinvent are going by. But let's forget the big picture and be in the now.
She asks me how I'm doing. If I'm okay. Those are the hard questions I can never answer.
I have ADHD. Most of the time, I wouldn't say I'm disabled. I've been applying for med school for the last year and a half or so. I failed last year, told myself this would be the last try.
I just realised I horrendously blew my application for the course I really want. (No, really want. Like, "it's going back to a home" want. "I got my dad a job on the course" want. "It's paid for and also the only/first graduate medicine course in my country" want.) In an utterly pointless admin-y hoop way.
So there's this aptitude test you have to do for it. It's really straightforward -- it's like a driving theory test of "don't be horribly morally bad at being a doctor", but with much lower pass threshold.
I had forgotten/not realised that this result didn't work for/last for two years, unlike the more serious "actually measure how smart you are" one. And the test was only running for three months and closed a month ago.
I'm going to email, but I suspect "Is it okay that I didn't do this specifically requested test to get into your university course for the reason you state explicitly is not okay" has an obvious answer. I got the obvious response. I replied, trying the disability/equality Act angle.
Because the Equality Act's interesting. It bans anything that disproportionately makes it difficult for someone of protected characteristic from being there. And the question of proportionality is tricky. (I mean, the degree to which "notices little bureaucratic details like that" is something you want in a doctor is high. The maddening thing is that I do notice those little details. What lets me down, always is consistency.) That said, I've little hope.
Sinking into a bath, after an attempt at working-out the pain away. Realising I've cocked up, made another stupid unforced error. (Like so many times before. Because I have, over and over again made these stupid mistakes.) And need to come up with another plan. But this hurts and I'll pretend it's not real for as long as I can.
The third big wham moment of the week, that re-evaluates everything. And if I sink my ears into the water, stare into the corner of the room, it almost feels like I can feel it. Like I can feel this, the now. I am here. And, as always. I know what I've done.
I don't know why I'm still single. I don't know how I can get back into a therapy that works. I don't know how I can find good, challenging work that plays to my strength. And my life's slipping by, the thirties that are maybe the last chance to reinvent are going by. But let's forget the big picture and be in the now.
She asks me how I'm doing. If I'm okay. Those are the hard questions I can never answer.