(no subject)
Man, Im'm feeling really sad, like in that I'm so disappointed in myself for being back here sort of way.
So I went to the apartment of these people, I guess you could call them my friends, sort of like really good aquantinces really, a bunch of guys and this girl that was one of their girlfriends and I were the only ones over there, and it was just so...
Not how I would have wanted to spend a Friday night. All they did was talk about pot and drinking and bmx biking, and I just kept wondering, why am I here? This is not who I am, I don't like to party hard and I hate talking about "this one time when I got stoned" I like books and naps and going to bed early and waking up before anyone else gets up and I like silence and calm and beauty, and I do not want to spend my Friday nights watching fucking Herald and Kumar, being the only one at the party who is not stoned.
The other thing is this guy Roberto, I feel sort of bad, because I guess you could say that I led him on- I don't know, like we just flirted alot, but then I found out tonight that he is a pothead, and even though he is really cute and sweet, I just don't want that. I've been there, and I hate it, and I don't want to date that person.
I want to date a guy who is smart and funny and who will go with me to the Unitarian church, who doesn't drink all the time and smoke, but who likes muesems and bookstores and going to bed early and waking up early and who wants to be a doctor (well, that's optional).
Why am I friends with these people? Why do they think we are friends? there is never anything important said, just boy joke things.
I don't want to go tomorrow night. They are all smoking pot (but me) and Roberto will be there, and I'm sure he thinks that I will be getting trashed and he will be getting some.
I promised them I would go. I would rather catch up on my school work.
What am I so scared of? Why can't I just say, no, thanks, I think I'm going to stay home tonight and read this book?
I don't want to pretend to be cool with this anymore, I don't want to pretend like I enjoy this, but I don't want to straight out tell them that I can't stand going over there. I just want to stay home and catch up on my schoolwork.
But most of all, I'm just so sad in myself for being here. Like, I've been in college this long, and I've just been really indiscriminate about what I'm doing, and I've ended up here, with these people, and I don't want to be here.
So I went to the apartment of these people, I guess you could call them my friends, sort of like really good aquantinces really, a bunch of guys and this girl that was one of their girlfriends and I were the only ones over there, and it was just so...
Not how I would have wanted to spend a Friday night. All they did was talk about pot and drinking and bmx biking, and I just kept wondering, why am I here? This is not who I am, I don't like to party hard and I hate talking about "this one time when I got stoned" I like books and naps and going to bed early and waking up before anyone else gets up and I like silence and calm and beauty, and I do not want to spend my Friday nights watching fucking Herald and Kumar, being the only one at the party who is not stoned.
The other thing is this guy Roberto, I feel sort of bad, because I guess you could say that I led him on- I don't know, like we just flirted alot, but then I found out tonight that he is a pothead, and even though he is really cute and sweet, I just don't want that. I've been there, and I hate it, and I don't want to date that person.
I want to date a guy who is smart and funny and who will go with me to the Unitarian church, who doesn't drink all the time and smoke, but who likes muesems and bookstores and going to bed early and waking up early and who wants to be a doctor (well, that's optional).
Why am I friends with these people? Why do they think we are friends? there is never anything important said, just boy joke things.
I don't want to go tomorrow night. They are all smoking pot (but me) and Roberto will be there, and I'm sure he thinks that I will be getting trashed and he will be getting some.
I promised them I would go. I would rather catch up on my school work.
What am I so scared of? Why can't I just say, no, thanks, I think I'm going to stay home tonight and read this book?
I don't want to pretend to be cool with this anymore, I don't want to pretend like I enjoy this, but I don't want to straight out tell them that I can't stand going over there. I just want to stay home and catch up on my schoolwork.
But most of all, I'm just so sad in myself for being here. Like, I've been in college this long, and I've just been really indiscriminate about what I'm doing, and I've ended up here, with these people, and I don't want to be here.