audible august
Months pass by like minutes and the summer is almost at a close. When the sun sets at night I can feel autumn peeking over the horizon line. The dampness of summer is making way for the cold and frost of fall and eventually the trees will begin to decay in front of us. I am feeling ready for this coming school year. My course selection was satisfactory and I have my tuition paid. Books will cost a fortune and somehow I have not managed to save much this summer. It's disappointing and a little nerve-wrecking. Scraping pennies during the school year is no breezey task. Where will the funds come from? I didn't do anything that I planned on doing this summer... didn't cut my habits, didn't make the mosaic, didn't do... anything but work and summer school. I socialized quite a bit and did a lot of soulful exploration, which has been meaningful.
I think I am going to go back on behavioral medication. The thought of beginning school with all this anxiety and no coping skills is aggravating. How am I going to focus? I thought I'd have a handle on my mental health issues by this time but it seems I do not. I have taken active measures to help myself: therapy, exercise, self-help books and they have helped! But only so much. That same obstacle is in the way. After a few conversations with a few people I realized that perhaps I should give this another go. Mayhaps there is an imbalance in my brain that mind-over-matter simply cannot control. It's not merely "getting over" issues from the past, but is a defective part of my brain. Too self-aware. We are too self-aware and now we are doing things to the gene pool that we shouldn't do. If evolutionary theories pwned us all, I'd be dead right now. A weaker link. But now that I have the option... I'm so bloody sick of self-medicating and I am so dependent on it at this point in my life that I cannot simply stop. I need to replace the need for them in the first place. Need a little bit of consistency. I know what I have to do but I am not ready to do it. Going on behavioral medication is so controversial, even in my own mind. It is something I have been fighting for years. I don't feel like I can talk to many people about it and I don't plan on telling anyone that I am on them. I don't wish to hear people's opinions on meds and their pros and cons. I cannot even understand what is happening, and I am not about to be swayed by someone else who believes they know about something they cannot see. I feel like if I go back on medication I have failed myself. I will lose a part of myself. What if it helps? I'll never know but I am not about to allow myself to struggle again for one more school year. No thank you.
So Monday I see my CAPS therapist (thank you U of T) and I am just going to ask. Straight up, g. I give up. I give in. I concede. I will do it. I will fucking do it. (I'm afraid to do it).
I am super anxious today but I don't want to talk about it with anyone. Thank you livejournal for harbouring my fears. I don't give a fuck who reads them here. My entries consist of dialogues and poor attempts at poetry while I try to sort out the magnitude of shit flowing through my mind at all times of day.
What if Renee is right?