Arg!
Skipping out on the drag king show last night left me feeling a tad bit guilty. I know she likes to attend that party on Wednesday nights and she stayed home with me because I wasn't interested in going. Why wasn't I interested in going? I didn't want to see various people, didn't feel like expending the energy on conversation in a really loud venue. Didn't want to see ex-flings and their friends, her ex girlfriend (who spent the last drag show we attended staring at as, feeling up the both of us whenever she got the chance..), flings of friends... too much.
Lately the lesbian scene has really be leaving me empty. I'm becoming tired of looking to women who only have their queer identities in common. Where has all the conversation gone? It's been replaced by excessive drinking and fist fights. Replaced? Was it ever really there? What was formed to provide solidarity and community for a marginalized people is now a vicious scene with rules and alpha-females. It's cold. I feel like I can't make any lesbian friends because they all want to jump my bones. For fuck sakes, I'm as special and as attractive as the next woman. Why is it nigh impossible to make friends? I've had this conversation with a few other girls who I know feel the same, or at least similarly. I just feel exhausted. These girls know of me through the various women I've dated. I don't make a huge presence because I create enough drama in my life as it is. I don't need another outlet. I don't really know what I was looking for. Perhaps just a safe place to find my identity within. Now that I'm feeling more secure about who I am as a person I feel that those lesbian dives, bars, and parties are an excuse to get drunk and go cruising. There's far more to life than love and being together, as Tegan and Sara so wisely tell us. From one lesbian mouth to another, THERE'S MORE TO LIFE!
I feel badly this morning about the way things were left with S. I never had the opportunity to tell her off because it didn't seem necessary at the time. I feel like she did what she did mainly to hurt me. Even though it didn't hurt up until this morning (a week and a bit later), it is bothersome to me. Problematic, even. She said what she said in order to make me feel used, like a dime-a-dozen. She'd never admit that she was in love with me, she'd never admit that I hurt her feelings.
The circumstances: she had only just broken up with the woman she was dating, I was/am dating C. She discovers C in short time, as I'm in no way trying to hide it. She calls me and we have a 45 minute discussion about C and I, how it has nothing to do with her, how I will not compare to two. I did not choose one over the other. Things with S and I didn't work out because x,y,z - "we've been over this, I don't want to have this conversation again." To cut a long conversation short, she is not willing to be just friends with me. When I asked her if the situation was "If I cannot fuck you then I do not want to know you" she said No, but that is exactly what she's doing. She has to let me go because she cannot see me dating anyone else? Dating C specifically? I'm not even sure. It doesn't matter. Bitch. Just such a bitch. Knows the right place to prod at me to hurt me.
For the first time in a while I feel like the lone soldier that I am. It's been a lot easier to make the more selfish decisions that usually triggered anxiety in me, guilt-free. Secure from top-to-bottom, I think I no longer fear losing people's presence in my life. I suppose in the past I had worried about the ripple effect that my actions would have, within the lesbian circle. Now I could hardly care less. I have nothing to lose and nothing to gain. In the future we'll all find love where we least expect it. I've been taking the time to enjoy everyday transactions of love, not necessarily the romantic kind. I've been slightly happier. Less depressed.
Except today is the break in the pattern. But that is okay. Not everyday is a high day, no pun intended. I'll go through the motions and will keep myself busy. I have traveling to New York next week to keep my spirits up.
Helen approached me at my desk this morning and handed me Chinese New Year cards with lucky money in them. She told me to tell my brother that this year will be bad for him ("bad" is most-likely a loose translation of difficult), and that he should be patient. To me she said that if I have the opportunity to travel far, far away that I should take it. This year will be difficult for both of us. But apparently we'll get a lot done. Sounds just about right.
The intervention is one step closer to fruition.
I hope my horoscope is accurate.