Work in progress.
I used to feel smart and pretty.
I used to believe I was better than you. Better than everyone.
I used to dream big.
Somewhere I have lost the thing that makes me, ME.
I lost my sense of self, my inner beauty, my non-stop poise.
I fell into a state of fear and want.
Always wanting to be more and fearing I'd become less.
What does it take to break a person?
How can the fire go out without one noticing?
One morning I woke up in a fat girl's body.
A year later I found myself in her brain.
My thoughts no longer my thoughts, my fears no longer my fears, my dreams no longer my dreams.
I never thought I'd be the type of person to be broken over weeks and years.
The type of person whose life and ambitions are eroded away day by day without anyone really noticing, until the day comes when someone wants to sit on the beach and admire the view but can't because the beach is long gone. Swept away by the rains and tide. Replaced by cold black water. Dark and bottomless. Uninviting.
And now? Now I wake amid the shambles. Feet wet and cold, vision bleary, heart aching. My hands are numb, my heart is too. I can't see.
Can't see where I want to be.
Can't see who I once was.
Can't see a way out.
I have waded into the cold black water by mistake.
Reaching into my pockets I find them heavy with stones. Where did they come from?
Digging deep I pull one out. It sparkles a deep purple in the moonlight.
A single tear drops from my eye.
It is an old dream.
I kiss it tenderly and send it skipping across the smooth black surface.
I dig into my pockets again and again, pulling out stones. Each one filled with the familiar glint of things that might have been.
As I watch the last stone dissapear I wonder, when did my dreams become burdens?
When did hope become too heavy?
How did I end up here in this black abyss with pockets full of forgotten dreams?
Lifting my numb feet I turn towards the shore. How did it get so far away?
I stand and ponder. I have a choice. I can wait for the cold water to wash over me, I can sink to the bottom and settle on the sandy floor like my discarded stones.
Or I can walk.I can place one foot in front of the other and I can go back to shore.
I am in control.
There is no one else here to help me.
No one to tell me where to go or how to get there.
I am utterly alone.
And it is in this moment of singularity that I reach for Me.
To step forward I have to look back.
Have to find the person I once was.
I cannot step forward without knowing she is here, somewhere inside of me, wanting to come back.
Waiting to come back.
The harvest moon shines down on me and I close my eyes to listen.
I clench my fists and grit my teeth.
My stomach tightens and toes dig into the sand.
Cannot move forward without her.
If she is gone there is nothing left.
I listen.
Nothing.
I take a deep breathe and sob.
My wailing breaks the silence.
I cry for hours mourning my own loss.
And as the last bit of strength falls away from me, I hear her.
She is not loud or boastful.
She is passive and afraid.
Why did you leave me she asks?
I did not leave you. It was you who left me.
No. You put me away along with your dreams.
You vanquished me.
I was not wanted.
I cannot reply.
I do not remember.
Please come back to me.
I am afraid she says.
You cannot be afraid. You are the one that has no fear.
WRONG. I am the one who dares to dream.
No one is fearless some just choose not to listen.
That is who I am.
Without a word I know what I must do.
I place one foot in front of the other and I take a step back towards the shore.
She is with me now.
We are one.
But I am still weary from the cold.
Someday I will be warm and dry.
Someday.
For now. I curl up on the shore. Confident it will not wash away while I sleep.
I lay on my side and feel a sharp pain.
I dig into to my pocket and find a single stone. Bright and glimmering. Full of hope.
It is a new dream.
I hold it tightly in my fist and whisper "I will not let you go. You shall guide me home."
I used to believe I was better than you. Better than everyone.
I used to dream big.
Somewhere I have lost the thing that makes me, ME.
I lost my sense of self, my inner beauty, my non-stop poise.
I fell into a state of fear and want.
Always wanting to be more and fearing I'd become less.
What does it take to break a person?
How can the fire go out without one noticing?
One morning I woke up in a fat girl's body.
A year later I found myself in her brain.
My thoughts no longer my thoughts, my fears no longer my fears, my dreams no longer my dreams.
I never thought I'd be the type of person to be broken over weeks and years.
The type of person whose life and ambitions are eroded away day by day without anyone really noticing, until the day comes when someone wants to sit on the beach and admire the view but can't because the beach is long gone. Swept away by the rains and tide. Replaced by cold black water. Dark and bottomless. Uninviting.
And now? Now I wake amid the shambles. Feet wet and cold, vision bleary, heart aching. My hands are numb, my heart is too. I can't see.
Can't see where I want to be.
Can't see who I once was.
Can't see a way out.
I have waded into the cold black water by mistake.
Reaching into my pockets I find them heavy with stones. Where did they come from?
Digging deep I pull one out. It sparkles a deep purple in the moonlight.
A single tear drops from my eye.
It is an old dream.
I kiss it tenderly and send it skipping across the smooth black surface.
I dig into my pockets again and again, pulling out stones. Each one filled with the familiar glint of things that might have been.
As I watch the last stone dissapear I wonder, when did my dreams become burdens?
When did hope become too heavy?
How did I end up here in this black abyss with pockets full of forgotten dreams?
Lifting my numb feet I turn towards the shore. How did it get so far away?
I stand and ponder. I have a choice. I can wait for the cold water to wash over me, I can sink to the bottom and settle on the sandy floor like my discarded stones.
Or I can walk.I can place one foot in front of the other and I can go back to shore.
I am in control.
There is no one else here to help me.
No one to tell me where to go or how to get there.
I am utterly alone.
And it is in this moment of singularity that I reach for Me.
To step forward I have to look back.
Have to find the person I once was.
I cannot step forward without knowing she is here, somewhere inside of me, wanting to come back.
Waiting to come back.
The harvest moon shines down on me and I close my eyes to listen.
I clench my fists and grit my teeth.
My stomach tightens and toes dig into the sand.
Cannot move forward without her.
If she is gone there is nothing left.
I listen.
Nothing.
I take a deep breathe and sob.
My wailing breaks the silence.
I cry for hours mourning my own loss.
And as the last bit of strength falls away from me, I hear her.
She is not loud or boastful.
She is passive and afraid.
Why did you leave me she asks?
I did not leave you. It was you who left me.
No. You put me away along with your dreams.
You vanquished me.
I was not wanted.
I cannot reply.
I do not remember.
Please come back to me.
I am afraid she says.
You cannot be afraid. You are the one that has no fear.
WRONG. I am the one who dares to dream.
No one is fearless some just choose not to listen.
That is who I am.
Without a word I know what I must do.
I place one foot in front of the other and I take a step back towards the shore.
She is with me now.
We are one.
But I am still weary from the cold.
Someday I will be warm and dry.
Someday.
For now. I curl up on the shore. Confident it will not wash away while I sleep.
I lay on my side and feel a sharp pain.
I dig into to my pocket and find a single stone. Bright and glimmering. Full of hope.
It is a new dream.
I hold it tightly in my fist and whisper "I will not let you go. You shall guide me home."