My daddy.
Last night I got a fortune cookie and it read: "Better days are ahead. Struggle is over."
Perhaps a message from my dad.
But he would have said, "Everything is gonna be fine, kiddo."
Words cannot express how it feels to lose a parent. I haven't had long to process it all but I don't think I'll ever be able to dignify my emotions with words.
I think that perhaps children of addicts have a harder time coming to grips with a parent's death.
My love for my father was always watered down by my hate of the addiction. My anger with what he was under the influence. By how it made him so much less than the man everyone knew he could be. But now, now that he's gone, the addiction is gone too. There is nothing left but pure love and sadness, nothing to dilute the emotions.
I am sad and guilt ridden.
Filled with the what-ifs and maybes.
I am no longer the child of a man with an addiction I am simply a child without a father.
I've wondered for years what this day would feel like. Wondered if all my anger would vanish. Wondered if I would forgive him.
I'm angry that he was taken away just when he was really trying to make a new start. Angry that he didn't get a chance to give life another shot.
But perhaps there are greater forces that know what is truly best. Perhaps the struggle was just too much. Perhaps it was better for him to go while he was still sober. Better to go while we were still so proud and full of hope for him. Better for him not to feel like a dissapointment again.
He used to joke that he would never make it to 50. Well Daddy you got the last laugh.
My dad was not a stellar father. But I know he loved me more than anything and that he tried to be as good of a dad as he could to us. I know that he was always proud of our accomplishments. Proud to say that we were his girls.
Sunday is father's day. I was going to call him. I had been putting it off, now I wish I would have.
You can be our angel now daddy. I hope life is easier wherever you are now than it was for you here.
Well Daddy like the fortune cookie said, the struggle is over. Better days are ahead.
Perhaps a message from my dad.
But he would have said, "Everything is gonna be fine, kiddo."
Words cannot express how it feels to lose a parent. I haven't had long to process it all but I don't think I'll ever be able to dignify my emotions with words.
I think that perhaps children of addicts have a harder time coming to grips with a parent's death.
My love for my father was always watered down by my hate of the addiction. My anger with what he was under the influence. By how it made him so much less than the man everyone knew he could be. But now, now that he's gone, the addiction is gone too. There is nothing left but pure love and sadness, nothing to dilute the emotions.
I am sad and guilt ridden.
Filled with the what-ifs and maybes.
I am no longer the child of a man with an addiction I am simply a child without a father.
I've wondered for years what this day would feel like. Wondered if all my anger would vanish. Wondered if I would forgive him.
I'm angry that he was taken away just when he was really trying to make a new start. Angry that he didn't get a chance to give life another shot.
But perhaps there are greater forces that know what is truly best. Perhaps the struggle was just too much. Perhaps it was better for him to go while he was still sober. Better to go while we were still so proud and full of hope for him. Better for him not to feel like a dissapointment again.
He used to joke that he would never make it to 50. Well Daddy you got the last laugh.
My dad was not a stellar father. But I know he loved me more than anything and that he tried to be as good of a dad as he could to us. I know that he was always proud of our accomplishments. Proud to say that we were his girls.
Sunday is father's day. I was going to call him. I had been putting it off, now I wish I would have.
You can be our angel now daddy. I hope life is easier wherever you are now than it was for you here.
Well Daddy like the fortune cookie said, the struggle is over. Better days are ahead.