(no subject)
Work has been a blessing of sorts lately. It's been nonstop, but I’m engaged, proud of what I’m doing, and going deeper with my students than ever before. I know that I’m helping to open some eyes. I can feel the learning happening and that brings me much satisfaction.
But then the week comes to an end, Friday jams into Friday night and Saturday and I’m once again right up against all the personal that I’ve managed to ignore since Monday. Most weekends I find ways to build in moments of reprieve -- walks by the water and up hills, time alone with my kids, visits with Anita or others -- and those moments save me.
Tomorrow (today seeing as it just passed midnight) my father is here and I’ve realized that I don’t want this right now. As I anticipate his presence, I find that I’m not able to access any truly positive memories of my life with him. Some neutral, many awful, none good or joyful. I’m working hard to cope with too many things, and his being here doesn’t help with that. Perhaps that’s selfish, since the kids are thrilled to see him and he’s become a good grandfather. It’s good for them, good for him, but I find that I’ve little desire to open my heart with him. I’ve come so far with my mother, but can’t imagine doing the same with my father.
I’d like that to change someday, but as with so many other things that must change, don’t know quite how I’ll get there.
Time to sleep. I'm exhausted and just plain tired.
But then the week comes to an end, Friday jams into Friday night and Saturday and I’m once again right up against all the personal that I’ve managed to ignore since Monday. Most weekends I find ways to build in moments of reprieve -- walks by the water and up hills, time alone with my kids, visits with Anita or others -- and those moments save me.
Tomorrow (today seeing as it just passed midnight) my father is here and I’ve realized that I don’t want this right now. As I anticipate his presence, I find that I’m not able to access any truly positive memories of my life with him. Some neutral, many awful, none good or joyful. I’m working hard to cope with too many things, and his being here doesn’t help with that. Perhaps that’s selfish, since the kids are thrilled to see him and he’s become a good grandfather. It’s good for them, good for him, but I find that I’ve little desire to open my heart with him. I’ve come so far with my mother, but can’t imagine doing the same with my father.
I’d like that to change someday, but as with so many other things that must change, don’t know quite how I’ll get there.
Time to sleep. I'm exhausted and just plain tired.