More on Unguardedness
I’ve reconfigured things down here in my storage closet of a bedroom to make it more comfortable to sit and bed and write. And, it is sooo cozy, unbelievably so. Now, if I only had internet connection! Perhaps it is better this way -- no YouTube distractions or other things to send me off into the internet-o-sphere. But, you all won’t read this until tomorrow.
Unguardedness:
Back to
zuma's comment about my writing being unguarded. His saying that made me realize yet again the contrast between how I am here online and how I am at home. I started asking myself what is real and what is constructed? Have I constructed this online persona that is not really me, or is it just who I want to be? Or is it who I am already, just not in the life-sucking relationship, this eat-your-peach-with-your-fingertips and curb-your-passions measured and guarded way of living life.
When I thought of unguardedness and started crying on my walk the other night, I do think it was because while this is all so awful right now, I am unbelievably filled with joy that I can be so unguarded here. And that joy is truly like nothing I’ve ever felt before, having been someone who's been guarded for much of her life. Just as a bodily reminder, as I typed that last sentence I started bawling again. Jesus Christ. In these reactions I realize that I am not constructing a persona, and when I feel like people have misconceptions about me I set them straight (right,
johnny9fingers?). And, who I am here is the same open and unguarded person that I am around my friends that embrace all of this about me.
I’ve told many of you about my dear friend A. She is someone I met because I became unguarded. Because I heard her interviewed on the radio and decided that she was someone I wanted to know in my life. Later, when we serendipitously crossed paths (not hard in this town) I walked up to her and handed her a poem I had written. She called me yesterday from the San Diego Zoo where she was watching some strange species of monkey mate, and we only talked for three minutes but in that time we shared so much, and laughed, and we ended up by saying how good it was to hear each other’s voice. It was an unguarded and beautiful interaction and I was smiley for hours afterwards.
It’s like that here too. So, thank you.
Love,
E.
Unguardedness:
Back to
zuma's comment about my writing being unguarded. His saying that made me realize yet again the contrast between how I am here online and how I am at home. I started asking myself what is real and what is constructed? Have I constructed this online persona that is not really me, or is it just who I want to be? Or is it who I am already, just not in the life-sucking relationship, this eat-your-peach-with-your-fingertips and curb-your-passions measured and guarded way of living life.
When I thought of unguardedness and started crying on my walk the other night, I do think it was because while this is all so awful right now, I am unbelievably filled with joy that I can be so unguarded here. And that joy is truly like nothing I’ve ever felt before, having been someone who's been guarded for much of her life. Just as a bodily reminder, as I typed that last sentence I started bawling again. Jesus Christ. In these reactions I realize that I am not constructing a persona, and when I feel like people have misconceptions about me I set them straight (right,
johnny9fingers?). And, who I am here is the same open and unguarded person that I am around my friends that embrace all of this about me.
I’ve told many of you about my dear friend A. She is someone I met because I became unguarded. Because I heard her interviewed on the radio and decided that she was someone I wanted to know in my life. Later, when we serendipitously crossed paths (not hard in this town) I walked up to her and handed her a poem I had written. She called me yesterday from the San Diego Zoo where she was watching some strange species of monkey mate, and we only talked for three minutes but in that time we shared so much, and laughed, and we ended up by saying how good it was to hear each other’s voice. It was an unguarded and beautiful interaction and I was smiley for hours afterwards.
It’s like that here too. So, thank you.
Love,
E.