Well, It's Official...
Andrew and I broke up yesterday. I'm still confused over how I feel about it. I mean, I am upset and hurt. I didn't really want it to end, but at the same time, I know it is for the best. Neither of us were happy anymore, and I know that I have been questioning the relationship for some time now, anyway. I knew this was going to happen and that it was only a matter of time. I just wish we had another two or three weeks, even though I know I would have wanted the same thing by the end of those weeks. I don't want to have to start over again. The idea kind of scares me a bit. I know I will be fine and hopefully he and I can still be friends. It's what we both want.
But to be honest, it isn't the losing the boyfriend part that hurts so much rather than the loosing the best friend part. Because he really was both. He was and still is the only person I can truly be myself with. No offense to anyone, honest. I call my closest friends my best friends for a reason. The closer you are to the top of the list, the more I am comfortable letting loose and being who I truly am. But for each person, there is still a door or two that remains closed to them. Not necessarily for my sake, but for theirs, I guess... maybe... I don't know. I can't think of a way to phrase it properly. I'm sorry. Anyway...
I am having trouble thinking clearly. I sort of feel like I haven't taken my medicine even though I have. Like, I have the control and everything that makes me feel human. And yet, my brain is still going at a thousand miles a milisecond. It's like I'm in a room with 200 radios each playing a different station and I am trying to focus on just one. Or I have the exact opposite, where there really isn't anything there at all. To be honest, I'm not really sure which is worse.
I am amazed that I haven't cried at all today. In fact, I am amazed at little I have cried during these two days. Granted, I have cried quite a bit, but it's nothing compared to what I was expecting. Perhaps I am still in shock or maybe I was already sort of prepared since I knew this would happen, or else I may still be in denial. Perhaps I am experiencing all three. I don't know, really.
I feel as though I have lost a part of my world and a small portion of myself. We both still love each other and I am sure we always will. Unfortunately, we are both wrong for each other. Well, maybe him more so than me. He still sees himself as a failure and yet I have watched him accomplish so much. And it hurts me knowing that he doesn't see it that way. I have always been there to support him, even if I didn't like or agree with it. But I was always there for him. Unfortunately, the relationship was rather one sided in that respect. I rarely recieved the same from him, at least in the latter half of the relationship, anyway. Although, it is nice to know that in the end, the biggest reason we stayed together for as long as we did [just a little over a year] was because we were both too stubborn to give up on the other person. And he did admit to that. Both of us were at fault, perhaps him more so than me (which he did admit to a little). Yet, we both still had hope and truly cared for the other, and I find that to be a bit of a comfort.
I do appreciate the time we had and everything. And I know that I will always love him. It's just been so long now that I'm not really sure how to handle myself as my own person. I know I will figure it out soon enough but, right now, I feel lost. I still feel this strong pull towards him. And what really gets to me is that I want him now more than ever and I know it's only because I have lost him.
Honestly, I think one of my biggest fears is rebounding or something. I am afraid that I might want to rush into another relationship and not just with anyone, but quite possibly with him, as well as a few other people. I am sure it won't really be much of a problem. However, it remains to be something that keeps tugging at the back of my mind.
But, ah well. Kè sera sera, "Whatever will be, will be."
P.S. Hopefully I spelled that correctly. (^^;
But to be honest, it isn't the losing the boyfriend part that hurts so much rather than the loosing the best friend part. Because he really was both. He was and still is the only person I can truly be myself with. No offense to anyone, honest. I call my closest friends my best friends for a reason. The closer you are to the top of the list, the more I am comfortable letting loose and being who I truly am. But for each person, there is still a door or two that remains closed to them. Not necessarily for my sake, but for theirs, I guess... maybe... I don't know. I can't think of a way to phrase it properly. I'm sorry. Anyway...
I am having trouble thinking clearly. I sort of feel like I haven't taken my medicine even though I have. Like, I have the control and everything that makes me feel human. And yet, my brain is still going at a thousand miles a milisecond. It's like I'm in a room with 200 radios each playing a different station and I am trying to focus on just one. Or I have the exact opposite, where there really isn't anything there at all. To be honest, I'm not really sure which is worse.
I am amazed that I haven't cried at all today. In fact, I am amazed at little I have cried during these two days. Granted, I have cried quite a bit, but it's nothing compared to what I was expecting. Perhaps I am still in shock or maybe I was already sort of prepared since I knew this would happen, or else I may still be in denial. Perhaps I am experiencing all three. I don't know, really.
I feel as though I have lost a part of my world and a small portion of myself. We both still love each other and I am sure we always will. Unfortunately, we are both wrong for each other. Well, maybe him more so than me. He still sees himself as a failure and yet I have watched him accomplish so much. And it hurts me knowing that he doesn't see it that way. I have always been there to support him, even if I didn't like or agree with it. But I was always there for him. Unfortunately, the relationship was rather one sided in that respect. I rarely recieved the same from him, at least in the latter half of the relationship, anyway. Although, it is nice to know that in the end, the biggest reason we stayed together for as long as we did [just a little over a year] was because we were both too stubborn to give up on the other person. And he did admit to that. Both of us were at fault, perhaps him more so than me (which he did admit to a little). Yet, we both still had hope and truly cared for the other, and I find that to be a bit of a comfort.
I do appreciate the time we had and everything. And I know that I will always love him. It's just been so long now that I'm not really sure how to handle myself as my own person. I know I will figure it out soon enough but, right now, I feel lost. I still feel this strong pull towards him. And what really gets to me is that I want him now more than ever and I know it's only because I have lost him.
Honestly, I think one of my biggest fears is rebounding or something. I am afraid that I might want to rush into another relationship and not just with anyone, but quite possibly with him, as well as a few other people. I am sure it won't really be much of a problem. However, it remains to be something that keeps tugging at the back of my mind.
But, ah well. Kè sera sera, "Whatever will be, will be."
P.S. Hopefully I spelled that correctly. (^^;