tears
i can't remembering crying this much since my hamsters died. now it looks like i won't be going back to iowa city, and all i can think about is losing jay. and then i can't swallow and i can't do anything but cry. if it was different, if he didn't want to be with me, i think it would be easier to accept. but this...i can't ask him to be with me while i live in ames and go to school here. that's not fair to him, i know it's not. i love him, and i want him to be happy. i know he loves me and wouldn't mind of a little while, but i can't ask him to live with it forever. he'll get restless i know he will. and i don't want to break up over another person. i want it to be just us. god i love him. so much. i never imagined it would hurt this bad. i can't imagine anything hurting this bad. i know im being dramatic but i can't help it. for once i pray. i pray to god my mom changes her mind and i prey to god that like my life gets better. because if it continues going the way it has been, i very much doubt i'll be able to handle it for much longer.