Group Therapy
I sooo didn't intend on making an entry right now, but Dan and Jazz got me over here thinking.
In the past few months, I've gained a lot. I don't know how much. And frankly I'm scared to find out. I stepped on the scale at Trea's last apartment a while ago and it shot past the weight I'm used to seeing and I jumped off. I was almost in tears at work one day when I just looked at myself in the mirror. It's horrible! Just like Dani said, I have NO will power. I'm always saying I have that Oprah syndrome 'cause I'm constantly battling with my weight. I go up and down like a damn yo-yo. I don't even remember the last time I did Tae-bo. And I promised myself by this time I'd be back to the size I'm comfortable with.
About eating in front of others.... EVERYbody goes through that y'all. Or rather everyone conscious about their weight. Q is like a size 5 or something. Just small as hell. Even with us being as close as we are I still get nervous about eating in front of her. In the back of my mind I'm thinking that she's thinking "No wonder she's gained all that weight back." or "Damn, Eb's eating AGAIN," Now when I think about it now, she probably isn't, but that doesn't change how I feel at the time. I only eat in front of her when she's eating. And I try to eat about the same amount as her. Which isn't too hard 'cause she's not a health nut or anything. I think she just has a fast metabolism.
But I know I've gotten bad because my self-consciousness has shot through the roof. I'm naturally self-conscious but lately it's gotten really bad. I'm starting to act the way I did back in the sixth grade. Just wanting to avoid people at all costs. Wishing I was invisible. 'Cause eventhough I've gone up and down a lot I've never gotten back to being as overwieght as I was when I was in the 6th grade. And now I'm still not there, but I'm close. I feel it creeping up on me and it scares the hell out of me. So now I'm obsesed with my wieght AGAIN. It's all I can think about.
But what they said on the boards hasn't hurt me. I almost laugh at some of them 'cause they sound pretty ridiculous. Like KJ and his feeling that there's only thinness and fatness and no in-between. Good lord, after someone says something that dumb, you kinda find it hard to take anything else to heart. lol I beat myself up more than anyone else could anyway.
Speaking of other's views of me, Trea hasn't mentioned my wieght gain once. I remember when I gained a little bit when I was with my "ex" and that was all he could talk about. He would tease me about it, never be really cruel, but why mention it al all? I'm very aware of what my body looks like. I think he was trying to say it to put it on the table so that I knew he was ok with it. As if I needed his approval or something. All I know is he wasn't helping at all.
I was gonna make a truly private entry, like only I can see it about this, but I never got around to it. To be honest, I'm still holding back a bit 'cause I'm embarrassed. Not only about how much I've regained, but about what I think and how I feel about myself...
In the past few months, I've gained a lot. I don't know how much. And frankly I'm scared to find out. I stepped on the scale at Trea's last apartment a while ago and it shot past the weight I'm used to seeing and I jumped off. I was almost in tears at work one day when I just looked at myself in the mirror. It's horrible! Just like Dani said, I have NO will power. I'm always saying I have that Oprah syndrome 'cause I'm constantly battling with my weight. I go up and down like a damn yo-yo. I don't even remember the last time I did Tae-bo. And I promised myself by this time I'd be back to the size I'm comfortable with.
About eating in front of others.... EVERYbody goes through that y'all. Or rather everyone conscious about their weight. Q is like a size 5 or something. Just small as hell. Even with us being as close as we are I still get nervous about eating in front of her. In the back of my mind I'm thinking that she's thinking "No wonder she's gained all that weight back." or "Damn, Eb's eating AGAIN," Now when I think about it now, she probably isn't, but that doesn't change how I feel at the time. I only eat in front of her when she's eating. And I try to eat about the same amount as her. Which isn't too hard 'cause she's not a health nut or anything. I think she just has a fast metabolism.
But I know I've gotten bad because my self-consciousness has shot through the roof. I'm naturally self-conscious but lately it's gotten really bad. I'm starting to act the way I did back in the sixth grade. Just wanting to avoid people at all costs. Wishing I was invisible. 'Cause eventhough I've gone up and down a lot I've never gotten back to being as overwieght as I was when I was in the 6th grade. And now I'm still not there, but I'm close. I feel it creeping up on me and it scares the hell out of me. So now I'm obsesed with my wieght AGAIN. It's all I can think about.
But what they said on the boards hasn't hurt me. I almost laugh at some of them 'cause they sound pretty ridiculous. Like KJ and his feeling that there's only thinness and fatness and no in-between. Good lord, after someone says something that dumb, you kinda find it hard to take anything else to heart. lol I beat myself up more than anyone else could anyway.
Speaking of other's views of me, Trea hasn't mentioned my wieght gain once. I remember when I gained a little bit when I was with my "ex" and that was all he could talk about. He would tease me about it, never be really cruel, but why mention it al all? I'm very aware of what my body looks like. I think he was trying to say it to put it on the table so that I knew he was ok with it. As if I needed his approval or something. All I know is he wasn't helping at all.
I was gonna make a truly private entry, like only I can see it about this, but I never got around to it. To be honest, I'm still holding back a bit 'cause I'm embarrassed. Not only about how much I've regained, but about what I think and how I feel about myself...