It is finished
So before I even start this entry, lemme say to Linda this NOT the entry about my trip. lol! Sorry! I just want to document this madness first and this is easier to write up than the trip entry. But that one is coming soon!!
So I have written entries about Mike(musikmanmike) living with me, but I made them in highly filtered (like I think only 4 people) entries 'cause I initially felt like the issues we had were relatively minor and cause I didn't want to portray a negative image of him. Like I didn't want anyone to read my shit about him and get a bad idea of who he is. But given how he left and the culmination of shit that has occurred in his four months staying with me I no longer feel a need to protect his image. And again given the nature of how he left I'm truly done with him. So particularly for those of you living in NYC, if you were ever thinking of asking me how he's doing you'll know that I don't know nor do I care and you'll understand why both are true once this entry is done.
Lemme do a recap for the majority of you who have missed this madness.
Sept: So this whole thing started on a bad foot. And I can hindsight I can see how "should have known" to some degree. Like when he got accepted to the post-bacc prog in CU *months* before he got to NYC I offered to let him stay with me. He kept declining saying he was "working on" other things. He didn't actually solidify with me that he was staying with me until he stepped foot on NYC soil. Mind you he drove to NYC from Cali and was texting with me intermittently through the trip.
But it turns out he really had absolutely nothing else in the works. When I'd asked him months before he got here if he wanted to stay with me, he mentioned finding out he had family in NYC. When I later questioned him about that (after he'd been staying with me for about a month) he admitted these were cousins of cousins and he'd never actually met them. But when he first mentioned it he made it seem like he was considering staying with them as a option. But it was clear he had no options other than me. Which in and of itself is fine if he'd have made arrangements with me and we'd planned his arrival. And had he not *acted* like he had another options he was working on. I'm still not sure why he did that, but I know it later made me feel a bit used. Like it's such an inconsiderate thing to decline help then last minute ask for it. And it assumes I'll just be available waiting to help. It also didn't allow us to tease out things like how much he'd be paying me and chore division, which later became big points of contention for us.
Sidenote: When I had a conversation with him later and said "we didn't do this right" (meaning we should have planned his arrival and arranged things together. this was before I learned he'd not had any other living options lined up nor any plans other than to live with me and leech for as long as he could) his response was "I guess we do things differently in Cali," which is just about the silliest shit I ever heard in my life. Instead of admitting that maybe planning is beneficial and avoids issues and adds to clarity and prevents misunderstandings and false expectations, he made this a "Cali vs NY" thing (which became a mantra of his). And basically implied I was being unreasonable for expecting him to make arrangements with me and not thinking it was ok for him to just waltz in the city with no money and no intentions on contributing anything to my household for an indeterminate amount of time.
So he never got tuition. He was banking on getting a student loan and living off of that, which he never got. So he never actually got in school and had no money that first month. He knew he would not have tuition before he left Cali and I guess imagined he would somehow stumble on tuition money being physically in NYC. This man already has a degree from Berkeley so I'm not sure how he figured money that wasn't available when he was in Cali would suddenly become available in NYC. But yeah, it didn't. He spent the next month looking for work which is troublesome (to say the least) in this economy, particularly in such a densely populated city as NYC.
To this day I think he should not have come. Once he knew he didn't have tuition money, he should have consulted a debt consolidator (debt being the reason he couldn't get student loans without a co-signer) and figure out how to manage his funds in Cali and rectify it so that he could get tuition money. But he didn't. He instead came to NY with no money and no job, no interviews lined up and tried finding work, which was just not a feasible idea. Furthered by the fact that he stopped looking after he had an interview with 24Hr Fitness that he thought went so great, but he didn't get the job. He did get some moving gigs. Per diem work, but still work. After working with one moving company for 2 weeks, he made no mention of money. This is after living with me for about a month or more and not offering to clean anything. He basically only did the dishes (in the beginning. And that was after I specifically requested he do the dishes because I hate doing them. Initially (meaning the first month and change) he was great and they would be done by the time I got home every day, if not sooner. After a while I had to remind him... continuously. I'm talking dishes left in my sink for days. Me coming home and him sitting in my living room, watching my dvds, while the dishes sit and rot.
So back to money, he'd worked a week straight (I specifically remember him complaining about working 7 days in a row and that one of those days as a 12 hour day) and was still getting gigs and I figured he'd gotten paid, but he made no mention of it and I thought there was no way he'd have gotten money and not said word one about it. Clearly, I was wrong. I had to ask him if he got paid and he said he had and didn't say "oh lemme give you blah blah dollars." He actually almost instantly after that went right on my computer. I then asked him for some money (and if you know me, you know that was a painfully hard thing to do), basically whatever he could give and told him I felt some kind of way about him not as much as offering me a dollar. He then said he felt bad that I felt he hadn't offered anything (which makes no sense as he *didn't* offer anything!) and agreed to give me 40 bucks, which he did the next day.
Now we made no plans about monetary stuff and I definitely own my part of that. But I DID make it clear to him that I was not in a position to have him living with me while not contributing any money. That was one conversation about money that we had either the first or second day he was here. So he was not under the delusion that I was rolling in dough and able to keep him under my roof running up my electric bill from now until he gets his post-bacc certificate (which will be in 2042 at the rate he's going).
He spent the first month on my computer til 11 and later at night every day. And I would often come home to him in my bedroom on my comp, like he was just chillin on the shit all day. I am used to my electric bill dropping after summer because I'm no longer using the AC and rates just generally drop after then. My bill went up for the month of Sept. And if he was doing some kind of intensive job search, it would have been one thing. But after the first two weeks I saw him spend most (most meaning from 80-95%) of his time on facebook, adding random half-naked Asian women. I'm not exaggerating. And I'm not being silly for hyperbole. He really spent all his time on facebook adding people that were almost exclusively female, half-naked and of Asian descent. It was creepy as shit.
Oct - Nov: Cut to some time in Oct (I think. maybe Nov), he fucked up the moving gig cause he neglected to call in one day and missed a job and yelled at his supervisor as if the supervisor did something wrong by being upset that Mike fucked up (I guess both me and the supervisor are in the wrong for having expectations of him to be a responsible, decent human being). His supervisor chewed his ass out and he effectively lost that job (obvs). In his retelling of him talking to the supervisor he said something along the lines of "I mean, he acted like I killed someone. Yeah, I messed up, but it was just one day. It's not like I disappeared for two weeks or something." Like he had ZERO ability to take ownership for his fuck-up which left his co-workers one man down and had to do more work in his absence. Not to mention how that affects how the job done (and how long) and how THAT might affect company morale with that client. That also didn't fully register to me as far as the magnitude of immaturity, lack of integrity and just plain old dickheadedness until much later.
But he almost instantly replaced that job with a part time tutoring gig. Only about 10 hours a week but making like 30 bucks an hour. Upon obtaining this job he offered me $50 month. No you did not misread that, $50 a month. And at some point his phone got cut off so to this day (aside from storage fees and transportation) I have no idea where all of the rest of that money went. He claimed he'd intended to give me "retro pay" on the measly ass $50 and didn't even do that. He later gave me 90 bucks. Now I'm pretty good at math, so I know 40 and 90 are 130 and that 50 bucks for four months would equal 200, not 130. When I went to ask him for Dec money he claimed he'd given it to me, which is a lie if there ever was one. I should have kicked his ass out then.
And I want to make it clear that what fucked with me about all of that wasn't just money. Or really even money at all. It's consideration and appreciation. And reciprocity 'cause I would NEVER have done that to him. Granted my ass would secure tuition and have savings and adequately plan if I'm moving across the muthafuckin United States and I certainly would have confirmed months in advanced that I was staying with him, but if somehow my penniless worthless ass wound up in Cali on his couch I couldn't fathom getting a paycheck and NOT offering something. NOT saying "ok I don't have much, but here what's I have to give." or "I'm so sorry I have nothing to give, but lemme make your place spic and span. Just tell me what you don't want me to touch, what goes where and where the cleaning solutions are" is what truly fucked with me. And those simple statements would have smoothed things over so much and caused so much less stress between us. But to me, getting money and not as much as mentioning it, further when *I* mention it, you make no moves to offer shit is, to me, like saying "I don't owe you shit. you should be honored I'm staying with you. Fuck you and your couch." Frankly, I think he should have been saying that shit first day in. 'Cause his sorry ass didn't have shit to offer from day one.
In the four months he was staying here he only asked me one time if there were any chores or tasks he could do. And I continuously had to ask/remind him to do the ONE chore he was assigned (as I noted above). The one time he asked to help I asked him to sweep the living room and dust, which he did though he only dusted the tv and left my coffee table and other furniture dusty so that I had to come behind him. In general, he was a slovenly lazy sack of shit, who initially acted like he wanted to contribute to my place, but his actions revealed he wanted "freedom" to not have to, which is immature and stupid.
I also need to note that his first month here we had an insane conversation in which he tried to sell me on "old pimping" as being better than "new pimping." I thought he was joking at first, then finally was like "yeah we need to end this conversation." In fact I got so offended that I asked him to not say the word 'pimp' around me again. He initially said ok, but minutes later said I'd hurt him because he now felt he had to censor himself around me and felt like he could no longer speak freely around me. I told him that not using one word should not make him feel so inhibited and that he should just check with me and/or I'd let him know if anything offended me, but he kept on about how he felt my response hindered our friendship and his ability to be open with me. I told him he sounded like how white people sound when Black people ask them not to say the N word. And he responded by saying he'd have no problems with a white person calling him the N word if he knew where they were coming from. Basically the old "consider the source" argument that privileged folks use. [FYI he needs more fuckin people. 'Cause I don't buy that bullshit. Whatever "intentions" a white person had, his ass would be pissed if they called him the N word and rightly so.] But I'd NEVER heard him talking like that and would not have EVER anticipated that I'd be having that kind of asinine conversation with him. I honestly think that conversation his first week or second week here was the beginning of the decline of our friendship. Cause that kind of privileged behavior is what carried over in his actions in other means.
Dec to present: So when I got back from my trip with Jon (which was amazing!! And I kinda hate making this entry first, cause it feels like it implies that Mike and his bullshit overshadowed the trip, which he/they did not by any means), my place was in more disarray. His pubic hair was all over my bathtub, there was dried up cat vomit on the living room floor (there was actually more crap on the living room floor, but it was obstructed by all his shit in my living room) and my bathroom was generally filthy and unkempt. He stayed in that living room while Jon and I clearly wanted alone time and made no attempts to leave aside from going to buy food which he promptly came back to my living room to eat like a true asshole (cause Subway has places for you to sit and eat, asshole).
On Saturday he stepped out and I figured he'd left for a few hours to give us alone time (like the naive fool that I am). He'd left my door unlocked. When he got back I was so frustrated by his presence that I asked him to find somewhere to be on Sunday so Jon and I could be alone (I asked much nicer than it appears by the tone of this and certainly much nicer than he deserved). I also asked him not to leave my door unlocked. He simply said "ok."
The next morning he and all his things were gone. And I'd seen the emo ass note he posted on facebook that stated something along the lines of "everything is new, but things stay the same. woe is me. but i got a new job and just got the keys to a new apt." So I took that as the sign that he was gone for good.
In his stead he left a trail of dirt in my living room (literally as apparently my cat had dragged a potted plant all over the place and I would have cleaned it myself had I been able to see it around all of his shit in my living room), cat hair all over the floor. He just left the living room in complete filth. He also left the door unlocked and did NOT leave my spare key.
So I guess it's fuck me then. Fuck me for being gullible enough to let this lousy, lazy, ungrateful bastard stay with me rent and utilities free, while doing the most minimal of chores. Fuck me for being open enough to let a "friend" stay with me last minute for what initially was touted as "a while" then "two months" then "til January" THEN was requested for May (!!!!) before I nixed that and went back to January.
Like I really truly think he believes he's the victim in this and that I somehow fucked him over. Because how else do you describe how he left? Both the way that he left and the state that he left my place in.
I am glad he's gone (clearly), but because he has my key I don't feel like there's any closure. And given how shady he's been I feel like I just can't trust what he might do (since he apparently feels like he needs to get one up on me). I'm changing my main lock and/or getting a second lock.
I really NEVER would have anticipated this would have happened. Like I just never would have thought he'd do any of this stuff. And though I would not have repeated this incident by any means, I am glad I know all of this about him. And again I'm glad he's gone and glad I (assumedly) will come home to just my cat and can relax in my space. But for real, fuck him.
So I have written entries about Mike(musikmanmike) living with me, but I made them in highly filtered (like I think only 4 people) entries 'cause I initially felt like the issues we had were relatively minor and cause I didn't want to portray a negative image of him. Like I didn't want anyone to read my shit about him and get a bad idea of who he is. But given how he left and the culmination of shit that has occurred in his four months staying with me I no longer feel a need to protect his image. And again given the nature of how he left I'm truly done with him. So particularly for those of you living in NYC, if you were ever thinking of asking me how he's doing you'll know that I don't know nor do I care and you'll understand why both are true once this entry is done.
Lemme do a recap for the majority of you who have missed this madness.
Sept: So this whole thing started on a bad foot. And I can hindsight I can see how "should have known" to some degree. Like when he got accepted to the post-bacc prog in CU *months* before he got to NYC I offered to let him stay with me. He kept declining saying he was "working on" other things. He didn't actually solidify with me that he was staying with me until he stepped foot on NYC soil. Mind you he drove to NYC from Cali and was texting with me intermittently through the trip.
But it turns out he really had absolutely nothing else in the works. When I'd asked him months before he got here if he wanted to stay with me, he mentioned finding out he had family in NYC. When I later questioned him about that (after he'd been staying with me for about a month) he admitted these were cousins of cousins and he'd never actually met them. But when he first mentioned it he made it seem like he was considering staying with them as a option. But it was clear he had no options other than me. Which in and of itself is fine if he'd have made arrangements with me and we'd planned his arrival. And had he not *acted* like he had another options he was working on. I'm still not sure why he did that, but I know it later made me feel a bit used. Like it's such an inconsiderate thing to decline help then last minute ask for it. And it assumes I'll just be available waiting to help. It also didn't allow us to tease out things like how much he'd be paying me and chore division, which later became big points of contention for us.
Sidenote: When I had a conversation with him later and said "we didn't do this right" (meaning we should have planned his arrival and arranged things together. this was before I learned he'd not had any other living options lined up nor any plans other than to live with me and leech for as long as he could) his response was "I guess we do things differently in Cali," which is just about the silliest shit I ever heard in my life. Instead of admitting that maybe planning is beneficial and avoids issues and adds to clarity and prevents misunderstandings and false expectations, he made this a "Cali vs NY" thing (which became a mantra of his). And basically implied I was being unreasonable for expecting him to make arrangements with me and not thinking it was ok for him to just waltz in the city with no money and no intentions on contributing anything to my household for an indeterminate amount of time.
So he never got tuition. He was banking on getting a student loan and living off of that, which he never got. So he never actually got in school and had no money that first month. He knew he would not have tuition before he left Cali and I guess imagined he would somehow stumble on tuition money being physically in NYC. This man already has a degree from Berkeley so I'm not sure how he figured money that wasn't available when he was in Cali would suddenly become available in NYC. But yeah, it didn't. He spent the next month looking for work which is troublesome (to say the least) in this economy, particularly in such a densely populated city as NYC.
To this day I think he should not have come. Once he knew he didn't have tuition money, he should have consulted a debt consolidator (debt being the reason he couldn't get student loans without a co-signer) and figure out how to manage his funds in Cali and rectify it so that he could get tuition money. But he didn't. He instead came to NY with no money and no job, no interviews lined up and tried finding work, which was just not a feasible idea. Furthered by the fact that he stopped looking after he had an interview with 24Hr Fitness that he thought went so great, but he didn't get the job. He did get some moving gigs. Per diem work, but still work. After working with one moving company for 2 weeks, he made no mention of money. This is after living with me for about a month or more and not offering to clean anything. He basically only did the dishes (in the beginning. And that was after I specifically requested he do the dishes because I hate doing them. Initially (meaning the first month and change) he was great and they would be done by the time I got home every day, if not sooner. After a while I had to remind him... continuously. I'm talking dishes left in my sink for days. Me coming home and him sitting in my living room, watching my dvds, while the dishes sit and rot.
So back to money, he'd worked a week straight (I specifically remember him complaining about working 7 days in a row and that one of those days as a 12 hour day) and was still getting gigs and I figured he'd gotten paid, but he made no mention of it and I thought there was no way he'd have gotten money and not said word one about it. Clearly, I was wrong. I had to ask him if he got paid and he said he had and didn't say "oh lemme give you blah blah dollars." He actually almost instantly after that went right on my computer. I then asked him for some money (and if you know me, you know that was a painfully hard thing to do), basically whatever he could give and told him I felt some kind of way about him not as much as offering me a dollar. He then said he felt bad that I felt he hadn't offered anything (which makes no sense as he *didn't* offer anything!) and agreed to give me 40 bucks, which he did the next day.
Now we made no plans about monetary stuff and I definitely own my part of that. But I DID make it clear to him that I was not in a position to have him living with me while not contributing any money. That was one conversation about money that we had either the first or second day he was here. So he was not under the delusion that I was rolling in dough and able to keep him under my roof running up my electric bill from now until he gets his post-bacc certificate (which will be in 2042 at the rate he's going).
He spent the first month on my computer til 11 and later at night every day. And I would often come home to him in my bedroom on my comp, like he was just chillin on the shit all day. I am used to my electric bill dropping after summer because I'm no longer using the AC and rates just generally drop after then. My bill went up for the month of Sept. And if he was doing some kind of intensive job search, it would have been one thing. But after the first two weeks I saw him spend most (most meaning from 80-95%) of his time on facebook, adding random half-naked Asian women. I'm not exaggerating. And I'm not being silly for hyperbole. He really spent all his time on facebook adding people that were almost exclusively female, half-naked and of Asian descent. It was creepy as shit.
Oct - Nov: Cut to some time in Oct (I think. maybe Nov), he fucked up the moving gig cause he neglected to call in one day and missed a job and yelled at his supervisor as if the supervisor did something wrong by being upset that Mike fucked up (I guess both me and the supervisor are in the wrong for having expectations of him to be a responsible, decent human being). His supervisor chewed his ass out and he effectively lost that job (obvs). In his retelling of him talking to the supervisor he said something along the lines of "I mean, he acted like I killed someone. Yeah, I messed up, but it was just one day. It's not like I disappeared for two weeks or something." Like he had ZERO ability to take ownership for his fuck-up which left his co-workers one man down and had to do more work in his absence. Not to mention how that affects how the job done (and how long) and how THAT might affect company morale with that client. That also didn't fully register to me as far as the magnitude of immaturity, lack of integrity and just plain old dickheadedness until much later.
But he almost instantly replaced that job with a part time tutoring gig. Only about 10 hours a week but making like 30 bucks an hour. Upon obtaining this job he offered me $50 month. No you did not misread that, $50 a month. And at some point his phone got cut off so to this day (aside from storage fees and transportation) I have no idea where all of the rest of that money went. He claimed he'd intended to give me "retro pay" on the measly ass $50 and didn't even do that. He later gave me 90 bucks. Now I'm pretty good at math, so I know 40 and 90 are 130 and that 50 bucks for four months would equal 200, not 130. When I went to ask him for Dec money he claimed he'd given it to me, which is a lie if there ever was one. I should have kicked his ass out then.
And I want to make it clear that what fucked with me about all of that wasn't just money. Or really even money at all. It's consideration and appreciation. And reciprocity 'cause I would NEVER have done that to him. Granted my ass would secure tuition and have savings and adequately plan if I'm moving across the muthafuckin United States and I certainly would have confirmed months in advanced that I was staying with him, but if somehow my penniless worthless ass wound up in Cali on his couch I couldn't fathom getting a paycheck and NOT offering something. NOT saying "ok I don't have much, but here what's I have to give." or "I'm so sorry I have nothing to give, but lemme make your place spic and span. Just tell me what you don't want me to touch, what goes where and where the cleaning solutions are" is what truly fucked with me. And those simple statements would have smoothed things over so much and caused so much less stress between us. But to me, getting money and not as much as mentioning it, further when *I* mention it, you make no moves to offer shit is, to me, like saying "I don't owe you shit. you should be honored I'm staying with you. Fuck you and your couch." Frankly, I think he should have been saying that shit first day in. 'Cause his sorry ass didn't have shit to offer from day one.
In the four months he was staying here he only asked me one time if there were any chores or tasks he could do. And I continuously had to ask/remind him to do the ONE chore he was assigned (as I noted above). The one time he asked to help I asked him to sweep the living room and dust, which he did though he only dusted the tv and left my coffee table and other furniture dusty so that I had to come behind him. In general, he was a slovenly lazy sack of shit, who initially acted like he wanted to contribute to my place, but his actions revealed he wanted "freedom" to not have to, which is immature and stupid.
I also need to note that his first month here we had an insane conversation in which he tried to sell me on "old pimping" as being better than "new pimping." I thought he was joking at first, then finally was like "yeah we need to end this conversation." In fact I got so offended that I asked him to not say the word 'pimp' around me again. He initially said ok, but minutes later said I'd hurt him because he now felt he had to censor himself around me and felt like he could no longer speak freely around me. I told him that not using one word should not make him feel so inhibited and that he should just check with me and/or I'd let him know if anything offended me, but he kept on about how he felt my response hindered our friendship and his ability to be open with me. I told him he sounded like how white people sound when Black people ask them not to say the N word. And he responded by saying he'd have no problems with a white person calling him the N word if he knew where they were coming from. Basically the old "consider the source" argument that privileged folks use. [FYI he needs more fuckin people. 'Cause I don't buy that bullshit. Whatever "intentions" a white person had, his ass would be pissed if they called him the N word and rightly so.] But I'd NEVER heard him talking like that and would not have EVER anticipated that I'd be having that kind of asinine conversation with him. I honestly think that conversation his first week or second week here was the beginning of the decline of our friendship. Cause that kind of privileged behavior is what carried over in his actions in other means.
Dec to present: So when I got back from my trip with Jon (which was amazing!! And I kinda hate making this entry first, cause it feels like it implies that Mike and his bullshit overshadowed the trip, which he/they did not by any means), my place was in more disarray. His pubic hair was all over my bathtub, there was dried up cat vomit on the living room floor (there was actually more crap on the living room floor, but it was obstructed by all his shit in my living room) and my bathroom was generally filthy and unkempt. He stayed in that living room while Jon and I clearly wanted alone time and made no attempts to leave aside from going to buy food which he promptly came back to my living room to eat like a true asshole (cause Subway has places for you to sit and eat, asshole).
On Saturday he stepped out and I figured he'd left for a few hours to give us alone time (like the naive fool that I am). He'd left my door unlocked. When he got back I was so frustrated by his presence that I asked him to find somewhere to be on Sunday so Jon and I could be alone (I asked much nicer than it appears by the tone of this and certainly much nicer than he deserved). I also asked him not to leave my door unlocked. He simply said "ok."
The next morning he and all his things were gone. And I'd seen the emo ass note he posted on facebook that stated something along the lines of "everything is new, but things stay the same. woe is me. but i got a new job and just got the keys to a new apt." So I took that as the sign that he was gone for good.
In his stead he left a trail of dirt in my living room (literally as apparently my cat had dragged a potted plant all over the place and I would have cleaned it myself had I been able to see it around all of his shit in my living room), cat hair all over the floor. He just left the living room in complete filth. He also left the door unlocked and did NOT leave my spare key.
So I guess it's fuck me then. Fuck me for being gullible enough to let this lousy, lazy, ungrateful bastard stay with me rent and utilities free, while doing the most minimal of chores. Fuck me for being open enough to let a "friend" stay with me last minute for what initially was touted as "a while" then "two months" then "til January" THEN was requested for May (!!!!) before I nixed that and went back to January.
Like I really truly think he believes he's the victim in this and that I somehow fucked him over. Because how else do you describe how he left? Both the way that he left and the state that he left my place in.
I am glad he's gone (clearly), but because he has my key I don't feel like there's any closure. And given how shady he's been I feel like I just can't trust what he might do (since he apparently feels like he needs to get one up on me). I'm changing my main lock and/or getting a second lock.
I really NEVER would have anticipated this would have happened. Like I just never would have thought he'd do any of this stuff. And though I would not have repeated this incident by any means, I am glad I know all of this about him. And again I'm glad he's gone and glad I (assumedly) will come home to just my cat and can relax in my space. But for real, fuck him.