I see you
Ron: uh oh
Ron: are you gonna put me on blast with a posting?
Ron: lol
Eb: lol i said no worries
Ok so I'm a liar. Fine. Well not really a liar as the point of this entry will not (necessarily) be to "put you on blast" but I just have to speak on this and I'm not interested in censoring myself nor sugarcoating. So...
Not too long ago Ron ("Trea") informed me that he found my lj. *waves* This used to be a fear of mine. Someone who I've written about (that didn't already know about my lj) finding it. (I used to worry about my brothers finding it all the time). And you know, it really is not a big deal. What was hardest was re-reading those old entries I made about him and seeing the desperation I felt. It's weird because it was so intense for me then yet when I look back all I feel is sorrow for myself which makes it hard to sit with certain entries.
But overall I just felt it was kinda cool for him to be able to see the impact he had on me. And as I told him I think everyone should know the impact they have on others. When he first told me he found my lj we had this great talk where he expressed an appreciation of my writing growth and analytical thinking and seemed to have a better understanding of the growth I've had as a person since we were seeing each other. And I began thinking "oh, maybe we can hang out and be friends?"
Then yesterday he asked me to fuck. LOL!
Which is just... fuckin weird and stupid 'cause... it just fuckin is. lol Like it felt like he thought he was talkin to that girl he could call up whenever and she'd just be so eager to just be in his space.
See, that's it! Our experiences were so different. I think he thought it was sex that held me to him and it was clearly emotion that held me. Clearly... Clear.ly. So I was just thrown off by the idea that I would want to link with him for sex as if that was ever my motivator. Right. And then...
There's this. I'm not even gonna comment on guttaperk's silly ass perspective, especially since part of me wants to believe his ass is, in fact, a bot. But I think in my mind I want(ed) to be friends with -- not all, but definitely some of the guys I used to see. And I forget that sometimes you just can't. For whatever reason you just can't. People can't see you for where/who you really are. People assume once they have sex with you, you will alwaysandforever want to have sex with them. "Mixed signals" become heightened. Yadda to the third power. You get the idea.
AND! Brantley called me a few days ago! lol I don't know, man. We didn't speak (he left a v-mail), but I'm just wondering what the hell he wants to say. I swear if he asks for some ass I might just go Radio Raheem and trek out to Bk just to throw a trash can at him.
Ron: are you gonna put me on blast with a posting?
Ron: lol
Eb: lol i said no worries
Ok so I'm a liar. Fine. Well not really a liar as the point of this entry will not (necessarily) be to "put you on blast" but I just have to speak on this and I'm not interested in censoring myself nor sugarcoating. So...
Not too long ago Ron ("Trea") informed me that he found my lj. *waves* This used to be a fear of mine. Someone who I've written about (that didn't already know about my lj) finding it. (I used to worry about my brothers finding it all the time). And you know, it really is not a big deal. What was hardest was re-reading those old entries I made about him and seeing the desperation I felt. It's weird because it was so intense for me then yet when I look back all I feel is sorrow for myself which makes it hard to sit with certain entries.
But overall I just felt it was kinda cool for him to be able to see the impact he had on me. And as I told him I think everyone should know the impact they have on others. When he first told me he found my lj we had this great talk where he expressed an appreciation of my writing growth and analytical thinking and seemed to have a better understanding of the growth I've had as a person since we were seeing each other. And I began thinking "oh, maybe we can hang out and be friends?"
Then yesterday he asked me to fuck. LOL!
Which is just... fuckin weird and stupid 'cause... it just fuckin is. lol Like it felt like he thought he was talkin to that girl he could call up whenever and she'd just be so eager to just be in his space.
See, that's it! Our experiences were so different. I think he thought it was sex that held me to him and it was clearly emotion that held me. Clearly... Clear.ly. So I was just thrown off by the idea that I would want to link with him for sex as if that was ever my motivator. Right. And then...
There's this. I'm not even gonna comment on guttaperk's silly ass perspective, especially since part of me wants to believe his ass is, in fact, a bot. But I think in my mind I want(ed) to be friends with -- not all, but definitely some of the guys I used to see. And I forget that sometimes you just can't. For whatever reason you just can't. People can't see you for where/who you really are. People assume once they have sex with you, you will alwaysandforever want to have sex with them. "Mixed signals" become heightened. Yadda to the third power. You get the idea.
AND! Brantley called me a few days ago! lol I don't know, man. We didn't speak (he left a v-mail), but I'm just wondering what the hell he wants to say. I swear if he asks for some ass I might just go Radio Raheem and trek out to Bk just to throw a trash can at him.