Jealousy is killing me
'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com
Who would have thought of that? Died of laughing gas?
You gals know how insecure I am about my looks *tsu gets bricked for a million times* so of all stupid things I did.. I asked ohanaya-san to show me his ex's picture... in his phone... which is still there because he never bother to delete any of the pictures in there... and gawd she's so hot and sexy and she makes me look like a dried trout next to her. yeah.. I know I am not making any sense.
I trust him.. I really do. And I know I am special to him.. most probably way more than the other girls. I mean he never bring any of the other girls home to see his mom like he did with me. In fact he didn't tell his family about the other girls but he told his family about me. And I know him for years and I know he's not the sort that would cheat. *if he would cheat, he wouldn't be telling me the fact that his ex-GF is back in KL and were keeping in touch with him *he'll go out with her behind my back and I won't be knowing any of it. He told me that he had told her about me. And I know that there's nothing to worry.. or scared.. But dear gawd I am so scared.. am so scared..
I know he's happy with me. In fact he felt that his relationship with me is more of an old married couple kind of feel rather than his usual BF-GF thing. So there's no way that he wanted to find someone else now that he was so secure with having me by his side. Yeah, I felt the exact same way. With him I really can see me staying with him in the long run. With other guys.. I don't have that feeling. Actually with other guys right.. whenever they seemed to be being too keen on me - I'll run the opposite direction stat. Really.. Even my friends felt that's it's absurd the way that I actually avoid guys after they show any signs of actually being keen with me.
He mentioned that he was always intimidated by the fact that I am in a profession that probably would make more money that he ever would. And I was like WTF... Really - if I was looking for someone who have more moolah or more handsome or better 'in every other department'.. I wouldn't even be here with you lah bugger....
The truth is I found those guys - the rich doctors/lawyers/consultant whatever guy... a huge turn off despite the clear advantages of hooking up with them in the first place. Because with them I can't just be this stupid me. And I loved him just because he was the only one who I could be my normal self .. that I could tell anything, everything.. that I felt that he love and like me just because I am me.. not this gorgeous brainy lady doctor that would be nice to show off in some banquet or kenduri or whatever.
And that's why.. the one thing I fear was that you... leave me.. for any reason. Just because I don't think I could find any other guy that could make me feel this way... At least to date - no other guys actually managed to make me feel safe & loved like how I feel when I am around you. And if I lost you.. I know how much it will devastate me.
And that is why rather than jealous - I am actually more scared than ever. Because I felt that our relationship is going so perfectly well that I fear it doesn't last.. this happiness. I mean really.. here we are.. me finally might going to have a chance of going back home.. probably hav a shot on doing that MMed programme I was aiming for... and us working on that wedding together.. a lot of things in my life are going towards the exact way that I want to be. And I finally feel that I am at the happiest phase in my life. And you know when you are at your happiest... the more scared you'd be of it may somehow like.. I don't know.. end...? This irrational fear.. bugs me.. really. Irrational as in I know it has no basis and I know there's actually nothing to fear,
Still.... I should put more faith in me.. and him.. and us together. And I know we will be fine...
Edited: P/S: Really.. it felt much better after I put the entry up... like all the bad mojo is out of my system. *smile* Reading it all back.. man I am such a ninny... really sounded so stupid and I would have given myself a hard kick in the butt just to get me come to my senses. Really need to pull myself together.