[FIC] DAREDEVIL'S RAINY NIGHT
Title: DAREDEVIL'S RAINY NIGHT: A HARROWING TALE OF MANPAIN
Characters: THE ANGSTY TOMATO WITH GUEST APPEARANCE FROM HIS BUDDY: THE MOEBACON OF KUNG-FU
Rating: CAPSLOCK
Word Count: OVER EIGHT HUNDRED. NOT NINE THOUSAND BECAUSE TOAST ISN'T THAT GOOD.
Summary: LOOK AT THE TITLE. LOOK AT IT. THIS IS A HARROWING TALE OF MANPAIN, OKAY? GOD. SOME PEOPLE.
IT IS RAINING OUTSIDE AND MATT MURDOCK IS WET
NOT BECAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE AN UMBRELLA (BECAUSE HE'S A LAWYER AND EVEN THOUGH HE SEEMS TO LOSE EVERY OTHER ISSUE, HE CAN AFFORD ONE)
NO, MATT MURDOCK IS WET BECAUSE HE DOESN'T DESERVE AN UMBRELLA
HE IS A COLD PIT OF DESPAIR AND HIS OUTSIDE SHOULD MATCH HIS INSIDE: DARK AND COLD AND WET AND SMELLING OF DOGS
WELL, MAYBE NOT THAT LAST ONE
LEATHER IS MADE OF COWS, NOT DOGS
SO HERE STANDS MATT MURDOCK, DAREDEVIL, FREEZING AND SMELLING LIKE WET COWS ON A ROOFTOP IN HELL'S KITCHEN
HE DOESN'T ENJOY IT
BUT IT'S NOT LIKE HE DOES THIS FOR FUN
HE DOES IT FOR TRUTH AND JUSTICE AND THE AMERICAN WAY
BECAUSE HITTING PEOPLE WHO ARE DOING THINGS THAT YOU DON'T APPROVE OF IS THE AMERICAN WAY
JUST LOOK AT CAPTAIN AMERICA'S FINE EXAMPLE
THE 'A' ON HIS HEAD DOES NOT STAND FOR FRANCE AND DAMNIT, THE DD ON MATT'S SUIT DOES NOT STAND FOR CUP SIZE
NOT THAT MATT WOULDN'T BE TITASTIC IF HE WERE A LADY, BECAUSE HE TOTALLY WOULD BE
I MEAN, LOOK AT DAT BULGE
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
AND HELL, COLD WEATHER EVEN CAUSES SHRINKAGE
OH YEAH, WE WENT THERE, SO LET'S MOVE RIGHT ALONG
RECAP: IT'S FUCKING COLD AND WET OUTSIDE
IN THIS KIND OF WEATHER YOU'D HAVE TO BE CRAZY OR STUPID TO BE PRANCING AROUND IN NOTHING MORE THAN WHAT AMOUNTS TO A RED LEATHER BODY CONDOM
LUCKILY FOR THE PEOPLE OF HELL'S KTICHEN, MATT MURDOCK IS AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE TWO AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT
HECK, SOMETIMES HE'S BOTH, WHICH IS WHY HE NEVER GETS INVITED TO THE AVENGERS CHRISTMAS PARTY
NOT THAT HE CARES BECAUSE IT'S BETTER THIS WAY
HE COULDN'T TAKE THE PAIN OF MAKING NEW FRIENDS ONLY TO HAVE THEM GET HURT
AGAIN
BECAUSE EVERYONE DAREDEVIL LOVES?
THEY DIE
AND IF THEY DON'T, THEY GO BATSHIT LOOPITY
GRANTED, MOST OF THE AVENGERS ARE CRAZY ALREADY, BUT MATT FIGURES HE'D BETTER STAY ON THE SAFE SIDE
THAT'S WHAT HE TELLS HIMSELF, AT LEAST
HE TELLS HIMSELF A LOT OF THINGS
FOR SOME REASON HE STILL ENDS UP CRYING INTO HIS PILLOW AT NIGHT
IT IS A VERY SAD THING
SO MATT MURDOCK DOESN'T SLEEP MUCH
AND HEY, WHO NEEDS SLEEP WHEN YOU CAN SIT OUTSIDE IN THE RAIN AND LISTEN TO PEOPLE'S HEARTBEATS?
THAT'S WHAT HE'S DOING RIGHT NOW, BY THE WAY
SITTING OUTSIDE
IN THE RAIN
ON THE ROOF OF DANNY RAND'S HOUSE
LISTENING TO HIS HEARTBEAT
WELL ACTUALLY HE'S LISTENING TO DANNY JACK OFF
BUT WHATEVER
HE'S DOING IT FOR A GOOD REASON
WHAT IF DANNY'S HEART STOPPED IN THE MIDDLE OF WHAT HE'S DOING, HUH?
WHAT THEN?
HE'D BE GLAD THAT MATT WAS AROUND TO WHISK DANNY OFF TO THE NIGHT NURSE IS WHAT
PLUS, IT'S NOT LIKE HE'LL EVER FIND OUT THAT MATT WAS HERE
MATT IS VERY GOOD AT BEING SNEAKY
IT'S WHY HE'S UP IN THE CEILING
LISTENING TO YOU DO IT
HE'D BE WATCHING
BUT HE'S BLIND
OH HEY WAIT
WAIT WHAT'S THAT?
MATT HEARS DANNY SAYING SOMETHING DOWN BELOW
"M- MUH-"
WHAT IS THIS
HAS HIS SWEET KUNG-FU ANGEL FINALLY REALIZED WHO HAS BEEN WAITING IN THE WINGS THIS WHOLE TIME
WAITING PATIENTLY
WITH LOVE IN HIS HEART AND BLANK NOTHINGNESS IN HIS EYES
"MISTY!"
...
WELL SHIT
MATT TRIES TO PRETEND THAT IT'S JUST THE RAIN THAT'S DRIPPING DOWN HIS CHEEKS, BECAUSE REAL MEN DON'T CRY NO MATTER WHAT
HIS MASK COVERS HIS EYES, THOUGH, SO THAT'S AN OBVIOUS LIE RIGHT THERE
HIS FATHER WOULD BE SO DISAPPOINTED IN HIM
MATT TAKES A MOMENT TO LOOK UP AT THE SKY AND SCREAM "I'M SORRY DADDY"
IN RESPONSE, THE CLOUDS SWIRL AND FORM INTO A FACE LIKE THAT OF BATTLIN' JACK MURDOCK'S
OH SHIT IT'S A LION KING REFERENCE
GET IN THE CAR
OH SNAP, WAIT
THEY CAN DO THAT NOW THAT DISNEY OWNS MARVEL
CARRY ON
SO TWO THINGS HAPPEN
FIRST: JACK LOOKS DOWN AT HIS SON AND REALIZES THAT THIS IS POINTLESS BECAUSE MATTY CAN'T FUCKING SEE HIM
HE NEVER FUCKING SEES HIM
WHY THE HELL CAN'T THE POWERS THAT BE GIVE HIM A MICROPHONE OR SOMETHING INSTEAD OF RIPPING OFF STUPID DISNEY FILMS ABOUT LIONS
THE ONLY GOOD CHARACTER WAS THAT CRAZY MONKEY ANYWAY
GOD
SECOND: DANNY STARTLES AND GETS UP TO LOOK OUT HIS WINDOW
SENSING THIS, MATT PANICS AND RUNS OFF THE ROOFTOP
ONLY, HE'S BLIND, SO HE SLIPS IN A PUDDLE
HE COULDN'T FUCKING SEE IT OKAY
OBVIOUSLY IT'S TIME FOR DAREDEVIL TO CUT HIS LOSSES
HE WHIRLS MID-FALL AND CONTORTS INTO A SHAPE SOMEWHAT LIKE THAT OF A WILD PRETZEL IN ORDER TO SHOWCASE THE FLEXIBILITY AND INGENUITY OF HIS CURRENT ARTIST'S PEN
AND THEN HE CATCHES HIMSELF AND FLIES OFF INTO THE DISTANCE
MAYBE HE'LL GO SEE WHAT PETER PARKER IS DOING
SPIDER-MAN HAS A THING FOR REDHEADS RIGHT?
(ANSWER: HELL YEAH HE DOES)
(REDHEADS FUCK REAL GOOD)
(EVEN WOLVERINE KNOWS THAT)
(OOOOOOOOOH)
==
PS: THANKS TO IAMBICKILOMETER FOR THE TITLE. HE'S SO RAD.
Characters: THE ANGSTY TOMATO WITH GUEST APPEARANCE FROM HIS BUDDY: THE MOEBACON OF KUNG-FU
Rating: CAPSLOCK
Word Count: OVER EIGHT HUNDRED. NOT NINE THOUSAND BECAUSE TOAST ISN'T THAT GOOD.
Summary: LOOK AT THE TITLE. LOOK AT IT. THIS IS A HARROWING TALE OF MANPAIN, OKAY? GOD. SOME PEOPLE.
IT IS RAINING OUTSIDE AND MATT MURDOCK IS WET
NOT BECAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE AN UMBRELLA (BECAUSE HE'S A LAWYER AND EVEN THOUGH HE SEEMS TO LOSE EVERY OTHER ISSUE, HE CAN AFFORD ONE)
NO, MATT MURDOCK IS WET BECAUSE HE DOESN'T DESERVE AN UMBRELLA
HE IS A COLD PIT OF DESPAIR AND HIS OUTSIDE SHOULD MATCH HIS INSIDE: DARK AND COLD AND WET AND SMELLING OF DOGS
WELL, MAYBE NOT THAT LAST ONE
LEATHER IS MADE OF COWS, NOT DOGS
SO HERE STANDS MATT MURDOCK, DAREDEVIL, FREEZING AND SMELLING LIKE WET COWS ON A ROOFTOP IN HELL'S KITCHEN
HE DOESN'T ENJOY IT
BUT IT'S NOT LIKE HE DOES THIS FOR FUN
HE DOES IT FOR TRUTH AND JUSTICE AND THE AMERICAN WAY
BECAUSE HITTING PEOPLE WHO ARE DOING THINGS THAT YOU DON'T APPROVE OF IS THE AMERICAN WAY
JUST LOOK AT CAPTAIN AMERICA'S FINE EXAMPLE
THE 'A' ON HIS HEAD DOES NOT STAND FOR FRANCE AND DAMNIT, THE DD ON MATT'S SUIT DOES NOT STAND FOR CUP SIZE
NOT THAT MATT WOULDN'T BE TITASTIC IF HE WERE A LADY, BECAUSE HE TOTALLY WOULD BE
I MEAN, LOOK AT DAT BULGE
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
AND HELL, COLD WEATHER EVEN CAUSES SHRINKAGE
OH YEAH, WE WENT THERE, SO LET'S MOVE RIGHT ALONG
RECAP: IT'S FUCKING COLD AND WET OUTSIDE
IN THIS KIND OF WEATHER YOU'D HAVE TO BE CRAZY OR STUPID TO BE PRANCING AROUND IN NOTHING MORE THAN WHAT AMOUNTS TO A RED LEATHER BODY CONDOM
LUCKILY FOR THE PEOPLE OF HELL'S KTICHEN, MATT MURDOCK IS AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE TWO AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT
HECK, SOMETIMES HE'S BOTH, WHICH IS WHY HE NEVER GETS INVITED TO THE AVENGERS CHRISTMAS PARTY
NOT THAT HE CARES BECAUSE IT'S BETTER THIS WAY
HE COULDN'T TAKE THE PAIN OF MAKING NEW FRIENDS ONLY TO HAVE THEM GET HURT
AGAIN
BECAUSE EVERYONE DAREDEVIL LOVES?
THEY DIE
AND IF THEY DON'T, THEY GO BATSHIT LOOPITY
GRANTED, MOST OF THE AVENGERS ARE CRAZY ALREADY, BUT MATT FIGURES HE'D BETTER STAY ON THE SAFE SIDE
THAT'S WHAT HE TELLS HIMSELF, AT LEAST
HE TELLS HIMSELF A LOT OF THINGS
FOR SOME REASON HE STILL ENDS UP CRYING INTO HIS PILLOW AT NIGHT
IT IS A VERY SAD THING
SO MATT MURDOCK DOESN'T SLEEP MUCH
AND HEY, WHO NEEDS SLEEP WHEN YOU CAN SIT OUTSIDE IN THE RAIN AND LISTEN TO PEOPLE'S HEARTBEATS?
THAT'S WHAT HE'S DOING RIGHT NOW, BY THE WAY
SITTING OUTSIDE
IN THE RAIN
ON THE ROOF OF DANNY RAND'S HOUSE
LISTENING TO HIS HEARTBEAT
WELL ACTUALLY HE'S LISTENING TO DANNY JACK OFF
BUT WHATEVER
HE'S DOING IT FOR A GOOD REASON
WHAT IF DANNY'S HEART STOPPED IN THE MIDDLE OF WHAT HE'S DOING, HUH?
WHAT THEN?
HE'D BE GLAD THAT MATT WAS AROUND TO WHISK DANNY OFF TO THE NIGHT NURSE IS WHAT
PLUS, IT'S NOT LIKE HE'LL EVER FIND OUT THAT MATT WAS HERE
MATT IS VERY GOOD AT BEING SNEAKY
IT'S WHY HE'S UP IN THE CEILING
LISTENING TO YOU DO IT
HE'D BE WATCHING
BUT HE'S BLIND
OH HEY WAIT
WAIT WHAT'S THAT?
MATT HEARS DANNY SAYING SOMETHING DOWN BELOW
"M- MUH-"
WHAT IS THIS
HAS HIS SWEET KUNG-FU ANGEL FINALLY REALIZED WHO HAS BEEN WAITING IN THE WINGS THIS WHOLE TIME
WAITING PATIENTLY
WITH LOVE IN HIS HEART AND BLANK NOTHINGNESS IN HIS EYES
"MISTY!"
...
WELL SHIT
MATT TRIES TO PRETEND THAT IT'S JUST THE RAIN THAT'S DRIPPING DOWN HIS CHEEKS, BECAUSE REAL MEN DON'T CRY NO MATTER WHAT
HIS MASK COVERS HIS EYES, THOUGH, SO THAT'S AN OBVIOUS LIE RIGHT THERE
HIS FATHER WOULD BE SO DISAPPOINTED IN HIM
MATT TAKES A MOMENT TO LOOK UP AT THE SKY AND SCREAM "I'M SORRY DADDY"
IN RESPONSE, THE CLOUDS SWIRL AND FORM INTO A FACE LIKE THAT OF BATTLIN' JACK MURDOCK'S
OH SHIT IT'S A LION KING REFERENCE
GET IN THE CAR
OH SNAP, WAIT
THEY CAN DO THAT NOW THAT DISNEY OWNS MARVEL
CARRY ON
SO TWO THINGS HAPPEN
FIRST: JACK LOOKS DOWN AT HIS SON AND REALIZES THAT THIS IS POINTLESS BECAUSE MATTY CAN'T FUCKING SEE HIM
HE NEVER FUCKING SEES HIM
WHY THE HELL CAN'T THE POWERS THAT BE GIVE HIM A MICROPHONE OR SOMETHING INSTEAD OF RIPPING OFF STUPID DISNEY FILMS ABOUT LIONS
THE ONLY GOOD CHARACTER WAS THAT CRAZY MONKEY ANYWAY
GOD
SECOND: DANNY STARTLES AND GETS UP TO LOOK OUT HIS WINDOW
SENSING THIS, MATT PANICS AND RUNS OFF THE ROOFTOP
ONLY, HE'S BLIND, SO HE SLIPS IN A PUDDLE
HE COULDN'T FUCKING SEE IT OKAY
OBVIOUSLY IT'S TIME FOR DAREDEVIL TO CUT HIS LOSSES
HE WHIRLS MID-FALL AND CONTORTS INTO A SHAPE SOMEWHAT LIKE THAT OF A WILD PRETZEL IN ORDER TO SHOWCASE THE FLEXIBILITY AND INGENUITY OF HIS CURRENT ARTIST'S PEN
AND THEN HE CATCHES HIMSELF AND FLIES OFF INTO THE DISTANCE
MAYBE HE'LL GO SEE WHAT PETER PARKER IS DOING
SPIDER-MAN HAS A THING FOR REDHEADS RIGHT?
(ANSWER: HELL YEAH HE DOES)
(REDHEADS FUCK REAL GOOD)
(EVEN WOLVERINE KNOWS THAT)
(OOOOOOOOOH)
==
PS: THANKS TO IAMBICKILOMETER FOR THE TITLE. HE'S SO RAD.