needing to vent
I'm not sure what this is supposed to accomplish, but its here for the reason for me to write, so here I am writing.
Lately I have been very distracted and space-y. I know some distraction is expected, but this much? I'm starting to worry about myself. I drive and I just fall into this lull and seem to hit auto pilot and come to minutes later without knowing how I got where.
I'm lucky that my sleep has been ok, but my appitite has suffered. Seems like I can only eat once a day and thats if I am having a good day or after a few drinks.
I'm taking this breakup rather hard. Why?
possibly because its on good terms. I'm having a lot of trouble letting go. My sadness can't really turn into madness because he's done nothing for me to be angry at. I can try to turn it into the anger for the reason some of this came about to our demise, but underneath that, I can only get mad at myself for the root cause.
I try to get mad at little things but they don't stick. Part of me wishes that we would of ended on bad terms so I could be pissed and let go easier. But i know deep down that's not what I want. When I made the decision to initiate the break-up conversation there was no turning back. I regret that talk, but at the same time, honor it. Neither of us were....happy.
Our relationship was so easy and simple in the beginning and that's what we both want back. There is this pebble of sand that I hold in my hand that I secretly wish if I squeeze it hard enough it will turn into a diamond and with enough space and such, perhaps we could get back together. He even mentioned it - but lately my doubt is bigger and I get sadder.
I have always had problems with being alone, this is no secret. Coming home to empty house and sitting in a room alone yearning for my "partner in crime" to be feet away from me....or coming home to be greeted at the top of the stairs with a hug and update of the days activities. I have none of that now.
I have no one to spoil, to cook for, to buy things for when I see something that reminds me of them.
Being alone isnt something I am comfortable with. Many have said this is what I need. To be alone, but I fight it every time. I try to surround myself with friends and acquaintances that together give me the attention, affection and love that I feel I need.
In turn....I stare blankly as my jaded heart beats quietly.
Ive been hanging with friends but... I feel bad because I cant give back what they are giving me. I'm distant and rude even at times. I even slipped and called them by another name wile in normal conversation.
Right now I dont know what I want or need. I know what I *want*...but that isn't going to happen.
I believe I just need some more time to figure shit out.
Continue to just focus on work and to go out here and there with friends when I have the opportunity. Even if I get there and know no one and sit quietly in the corner playing on my phone.
My heart hurts, but this time its different. It feels very heavy as apposed to broken. I take it at 30, my heart has been broken enough times that it just can't break any more. It just turns cold and encases itself.
Could explain why I feel little to no emotion lately. Its almost as I just don't care about anything.... I haven't gotten mad, or excited..haven't gotten too sad, as Ive stopped crying about this.
Some friends are feeling the wrath of this more than others are, and they don't understand why I am being cold. Unfortunatly, I cannot give a full answer to them either.
I wish that there was some easy answer to all of this...but I guess I just have to hang in there...take shit one day at a time, and continue to try and find my "something beautiful" in every day.
Try to hang in there being alone and maybe even learn some things about myself.
but i don't want to.
I'm a walking co-dependency issue at it's worst.
Just want to stop feeling numb. I want to be bouncy and happy without being fake.
I want to feel something when I hug someone like i do when I hug him.
blah blah blah blah.
Lately I have been very distracted and space-y. I know some distraction is expected, but this much? I'm starting to worry about myself. I drive and I just fall into this lull and seem to hit auto pilot and come to minutes later without knowing how I got where.
I'm lucky that my sleep has been ok, but my appitite has suffered. Seems like I can only eat once a day and thats if I am having a good day or after a few drinks.
I'm taking this breakup rather hard. Why?
possibly because its on good terms. I'm having a lot of trouble letting go. My sadness can't really turn into madness because he's done nothing for me to be angry at. I can try to turn it into the anger for the reason some of this came about to our demise, but underneath that, I can only get mad at myself for the root cause.
I try to get mad at little things but they don't stick. Part of me wishes that we would of ended on bad terms so I could be pissed and let go easier. But i know deep down that's not what I want. When I made the decision to initiate the break-up conversation there was no turning back. I regret that talk, but at the same time, honor it. Neither of us were....happy.
Our relationship was so easy and simple in the beginning and that's what we both want back. There is this pebble of sand that I hold in my hand that I secretly wish if I squeeze it hard enough it will turn into a diamond and with enough space and such, perhaps we could get back together. He even mentioned it - but lately my doubt is bigger and I get sadder.
I have always had problems with being alone, this is no secret. Coming home to empty house and sitting in a room alone yearning for my "partner in crime" to be feet away from me....or coming home to be greeted at the top of the stairs with a hug and update of the days activities. I have none of that now.
I have no one to spoil, to cook for, to buy things for when I see something that reminds me of them.
Being alone isnt something I am comfortable with. Many have said this is what I need. To be alone, but I fight it every time. I try to surround myself with friends and acquaintances that together give me the attention, affection and love that I feel I need.
In turn....I stare blankly as my jaded heart beats quietly.
Ive been hanging with friends but... I feel bad because I cant give back what they are giving me. I'm distant and rude even at times. I even slipped and called them by another name wile in normal conversation.
Right now I dont know what I want or need. I know what I *want*...but that isn't going to happen.
I believe I just need some more time to figure shit out.
Continue to just focus on work and to go out here and there with friends when I have the opportunity. Even if I get there and know no one and sit quietly in the corner playing on my phone.
My heart hurts, but this time its different. It feels very heavy as apposed to broken. I take it at 30, my heart has been broken enough times that it just can't break any more. It just turns cold and encases itself.
Could explain why I feel little to no emotion lately. Its almost as I just don't care about anything.... I haven't gotten mad, or excited..haven't gotten too sad, as Ive stopped crying about this.
Some friends are feeling the wrath of this more than others are, and they don't understand why I am being cold. Unfortunatly, I cannot give a full answer to them either.
I wish that there was some easy answer to all of this...but I guess I just have to hang in there...take shit one day at a time, and continue to try and find my "something beautiful" in every day.
Try to hang in there being alone and maybe even learn some things about myself.
but i don't want to.
I'm a walking co-dependency issue at it's worst.
Just want to stop feeling numb. I want to be bouncy and happy without being fake.
I want to feel something when I hug someone like i do when I hug him.
blah blah blah blah.