Struck a Nerve
My apologies to anyone who has a sincere like of lj-cuts. I don't use them. If you don't want to hear my bullshit, you shouldn't have tagged me to your list ;)
So without further babbling:
To some of the people that know me here, the news of my resignation in mid December came as a bit of a shock. This is mostly due to the fact that my job is a relatively dreamy job. There are very few people whom I associate with that wouldn’t jump at an opportunity to do what I’ve done over the past two years or so. My choice of career was made mostly by accident, partially by luck, with a dash of people skills thrown into the mix. Most people at first glance wouldn’t consider me a ‘people’ person. Truth to the fact I have very little tolerance for dealing with people on menial levels. The three weeks I spent as a toll operator would prove truth to that statement. Where I excel for whatever reasons is in gaining people’s trust and loyalty. I would like to think I negotiate far better than I make friends but that would be a falsehood. Instead I turn those people I negotiate with into my friends. I’m able to get what I need from them because they want to give it to me. So I was lucky, I got the dream job.
Everyone bitches about their jobs. There are always problems, hassles; challenges to overcome that in both the short and long term seem completely not worth the effort put into them. We stress, we jitter and we bitch when time grants us the opportunity to blow off steam. It allows us to avoid aiming that cannon of disdain and bile at the people who write our paychecks. I bitch like everybody else, though it typically turns more into jokes with funny accents and mock gestures. Making fun of something helps me feel better about it. Unfortunately all the jokes in the world would have eventually paled to the amount of bullshit that came attached to my place of employment. Suffice it to say; it all boils down to a few things: A complete lack of appreciation, inadequate compensation and the instigation of paranoia.
End all and be all? I did not work for nice people. I was under the employ of people who considered me or anyone else under their payroll nothing more than mindless cretins, to use up and toss away like a freshly squeezed lemon. This may sound perfectly normal to some of you. To that I would say, you don’t know the people I worked for. When making the decision to separate from them I was constantly plagued by questions, but none of them had to do with money or what I would do when the deed was done. I realized at some point that I had been beaten down. That they owned me, and I was terrified of their displeasure. That when they said jump, I would not only jump but I would leap an extra bound simply to make sure I cleared the distance. Those were the very thoughts that provoked my decision. I had never before felt brought that low by anyone. My pride would never allow it and once realized my pride would not let it continue. So I straightened my spine, nudged up my chin and gave them the big Fuck you.
The next hurdle came when I started digging into how I let myself be pushed into that position. How could I willingly succumb to their variety of control tactics? Granted they were effective, but once apparent they were remarkably simple minded and lacked a certain Machiavellian elegance. Even so far as three years ago, I would have never fallen into a trap like that. I have far too much pride to bow to someone telling me I’ve done wrong when I feel in the right. The fact that I’ve been able to do that and keep steady employment amazes me, but I’ve always been able to keep my head high and be confident that I could conquer anything before me without risking any sense of self. In hindsight I see that as both valiant and naïve. Anything you do involving community puts your sense of self at risk. There’s always a chance that something will homogenize; you’ll pick up a habit or you’ll lose use of some certain line of thinking. There’s a difference between putting that self at risk and sacrificing it on the alter of materialism. The latter is what I became guilty of. I had become so busy trying to distract myself from the reality of displeasure at my place in life, that those things I surrounded myself with became more important than my pride and my sense of self. Eventually I pressed myself into a position where I had to keep the job if I wanted to keep my lifestyle. I kept that lifestyle with more than a few great internal sacrifices on that alter.
Does this mean I’ll break all my toys, deflate my ball and go home? Absolutely not, I’m a techno-geek through and through. I’ll always love my gadgets and ‘new things’. I’ve realized however that I don’t need them. My things are not the sum of my self.
So with all that in mind, I spoke the words and voted my thoughts on the way my ex-employers treat people with the only thing that gave me any leverage. My feet.
There’s a time for everything. Act appropriately. Don’t hesitate. Be yourself. Fuck anyone who tells you otherwise. Point them my way; I have a few words for them.
So without further babbling:
To some of the people that know me here, the news of my resignation in mid December came as a bit of a shock. This is mostly due to the fact that my job is a relatively dreamy job. There are very few people whom I associate with that wouldn’t jump at an opportunity to do what I’ve done over the past two years or so. My choice of career was made mostly by accident, partially by luck, with a dash of people skills thrown into the mix. Most people at first glance wouldn’t consider me a ‘people’ person. Truth to the fact I have very little tolerance for dealing with people on menial levels. The three weeks I spent as a toll operator would prove truth to that statement. Where I excel for whatever reasons is in gaining people’s trust and loyalty. I would like to think I negotiate far better than I make friends but that would be a falsehood. Instead I turn those people I negotiate with into my friends. I’m able to get what I need from them because they want to give it to me. So I was lucky, I got the dream job.
Everyone bitches about their jobs. There are always problems, hassles; challenges to overcome that in both the short and long term seem completely not worth the effort put into them. We stress, we jitter and we bitch when time grants us the opportunity to blow off steam. It allows us to avoid aiming that cannon of disdain and bile at the people who write our paychecks. I bitch like everybody else, though it typically turns more into jokes with funny accents and mock gestures. Making fun of something helps me feel better about it. Unfortunately all the jokes in the world would have eventually paled to the amount of bullshit that came attached to my place of employment. Suffice it to say; it all boils down to a few things: A complete lack of appreciation, inadequate compensation and the instigation of paranoia.
End all and be all? I did not work for nice people. I was under the employ of people who considered me or anyone else under their payroll nothing more than mindless cretins, to use up and toss away like a freshly squeezed lemon. This may sound perfectly normal to some of you. To that I would say, you don’t know the people I worked for. When making the decision to separate from them I was constantly plagued by questions, but none of them had to do with money or what I would do when the deed was done. I realized at some point that I had been beaten down. That they owned me, and I was terrified of their displeasure. That when they said jump, I would not only jump but I would leap an extra bound simply to make sure I cleared the distance. Those were the very thoughts that provoked my decision. I had never before felt brought that low by anyone. My pride would never allow it and once realized my pride would not let it continue. So I straightened my spine, nudged up my chin and gave them the big Fuck you.
The next hurdle came when I started digging into how I let myself be pushed into that position. How could I willingly succumb to their variety of control tactics? Granted they were effective, but once apparent they were remarkably simple minded and lacked a certain Machiavellian elegance. Even so far as three years ago, I would have never fallen into a trap like that. I have far too much pride to bow to someone telling me I’ve done wrong when I feel in the right. The fact that I’ve been able to do that and keep steady employment amazes me, but I’ve always been able to keep my head high and be confident that I could conquer anything before me without risking any sense of self. In hindsight I see that as both valiant and naïve. Anything you do involving community puts your sense of self at risk. There’s always a chance that something will homogenize; you’ll pick up a habit or you’ll lose use of some certain line of thinking. There’s a difference between putting that self at risk and sacrificing it on the alter of materialism. The latter is what I became guilty of. I had become so busy trying to distract myself from the reality of displeasure at my place in life, that those things I surrounded myself with became more important than my pride and my sense of self. Eventually I pressed myself into a position where I had to keep the job if I wanted to keep my lifestyle. I kept that lifestyle with more than a few great internal sacrifices on that alter.
Does this mean I’ll break all my toys, deflate my ball and go home? Absolutely not, I’m a techno-geek through and through. I’ll always love my gadgets and ‘new things’. I’ve realized however that I don’t need them. My things are not the sum of my self.
So with all that in mind, I spoke the words and voted my thoughts on the way my ex-employers treat people with the only thing that gave me any leverage. My feet.
There’s a time for everything. Act appropriately. Don’t hesitate. Be yourself. Fuck anyone who tells you otherwise. Point them my way; I have a few words for them.