No clue.
I don't know what to do with myself. And I don't know what is going to happen. I really, really, really don't know. And it distresses the hell out of me every day.
This whole no job thing is getting to me in a major way. I didn't think I would mind the freedom, & for a while I didn't. But I can't do anything I want to do & that negates the whole idea of freedom. If it costs money, I mostly have not been doing it. I have not been to Target in over a month - not for anything. I used to go between one & three times a week. That's a big deal. Whenever I am out & I see people spending money I get jealous. I want to be able to spend money like a regular person. If I need something or even want something, I want to be able to go out & get it without having to mentally crunch numbers to see if it's ok. And if I do go out & get whatever I need/want, I don't want to have to feel guilty later. The Flogging Molly concert last weekend, John bought my ticket. He got his ticked comped by the Lantern & he wanted me to go with him so badly that he offered. I felt a little guilty, but it meant a lot to him, so I went.
Thankfully, I got a $250 bonus for not jumping ship on the AT&T project & it came in the form of American Express gift cards, so that's what I've been using for groceries. And I got another $50 Visa one from Cingular for the rebate on my Razr. I'm ok on groceries & I'm ok on bills for now, but I am so fucking worried about whether or not the day will come when I won't be ok.
I've been searching frantically for jobs since the end of May. Nothing, & I mean nothing, has worked out for me. Everything has either been not a decently-paying job or not wanted to hire me. And I am so fucking tired of companies saying they will call me with an answer no matter what the answer is & then not calling. This has happened to me 3 times. The most recent time I even attempted to contact the person & got nothing back from them from that either. How shitty, you know? And it's not like these jobs I'm going for have like 400 applicants. I can see them not getting back to everyone if that's the case, but it's not. I'm talking about being flat-out told I will be gotten in contact with & then it not happening. Rude.
Some people would argue that I do have a job, but I don't see it that way. I've been with this company for a month now & I've made nothing. And not only have I made $0, but I HATE it. I hate it, hate it, hate it. And I have no desire to do it. Half of me is saying, "Just quit it & stop wasting your time & gas driving to Dublin once or twice a week" & the other half of me is telling me to stick with it just in case nothing else comes along because eventually I will make something from this & it's better than nothing which is what I would have if I ditched it. But I hate it & every time I go to the office I get more & more unhappy.
I really, really, really don't know what to do or what will happen. All I can do is keep looking for jobs, but I only have so much control here.
In other news, my sister's graduation is on Wednesday & I'm pretty excited about that. John is going up with me, so it should be fun. I'm really glad that he likes my family a lot & that they like him a lot, too. Sunday is actually John's graduation, so I've got another one to go to. But Spring Commencement at OSU... I'm actually dreading it a little. It is going to be loooooong & booooooring. But I love him & I am proud of him, so I will go.
We just got back from seeing Anthony star in "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead" at the Ohio Union. It was supposed to be at Browning Ampitheater, but it was yucky out, so they had to move it. Sucks because I was looking forward to seeing it outside. He was Rosencrantz & our other buddy Mike was Guildenstern. It was really, really good & very entertaining. Anthony was pretty funny. A few months ago Anthony & I rented the movie version together so he could prepare for auditions & I couldn't make it through it. I got confused after about 10 minutes & lost interest. I felt bad. But the play was better though, but it was originally written as a play, so that kind of makes sense, yeah?
Yesterday was haircut day for me & John. I got my hair just trimmed & my bangs cut back in, & John, well... the picture will speak for itself...
IT'S ALL GONE! This is not the best picture of either of us, so I will say that my hair looks much cuter than this & John looks much more handsome. I thought I would hate him with all his long hair cut off, but I LOVE it. I was nervous the whole time, but I was pleasantly surprised. It was funny because yesterday John & I were walking down High St. & Josh saw us, but we didn't see him. He didn't recognize John without his long hair & thought I was cheating on him! He called John after a little bit & was like, "Ummm... does Lindsay have a brother or anything...?" lol!
Dinner making time is now.