(no subject)
being around my mom this much can't be good for me. or just being at home this much, which has only been five days.
rick is seeing someone. this someone is not me. this someone is around his age and they are somewhere in the outerbanks together. not that any of that matters. i can't tell if i care or not but i feel like i should and if i do then what? i just feel young and tired so soon and frazzled and rash and lacking words again- rapidly losing eloquence, coherence.
even my friendships are dysfunctional.
my mom keeps talking about soulmates. which is her answer to my unspoken question of why things don't fall together. i think i'd first need to believe in a soul to tackle the idea, but it seems too limiting. if you love someone, and it doesn't work out for whatever reason, does that mean they weren't your soulmate- "the one"? is that person just another someone on a greater search and if so then how can it seem so right at the time? why do we still hold onto people, is it because it was real and we can't ignore that, or is it simply that some part of ourselves likes to feel defeat? should life with your soulmate come easily? and when nothing comes easily how do you begin to tell the difference? at what point is it no longer "worth it" to keep trying to make it work with someone? and should things even be as simple as that, the cons outnumbering the pros?
it seems not so unreasonable that the problem could be personal- especially when i sense this block so tangibly lately, like peter pan's filmy, detached shadow has taken up residence just under my skin. i'm starting to hate myself for expecting and wanting more than the average.
perhaps soulmates, like life, happen when you're making plans for something else.
but really, maybe it's just not out there, and maybe that's a possibility i can accept more easily as it leaves me holding none of the blame of not being able to recognize-
but still holding nothing.
ps-
"Dear Allison Jarrett,
When do you want to come to China ?
Write to me back.
Wang Huaijun"
in reply January 2007, i think i'll be taking off second semester this year, then classes at piedmont next summer. maybe the only thing to do, in relationships, in school, in China- is to throw myself into it and hope for the best.
rick is seeing someone. this someone is not me. this someone is around his age and they are somewhere in the outerbanks together. not that any of that matters. i can't tell if i care or not but i feel like i should and if i do then what? i just feel young and tired so soon and frazzled and rash and lacking words again- rapidly losing eloquence, coherence.
even my friendships are dysfunctional.
my mom keeps talking about soulmates. which is her answer to my unspoken question of why things don't fall together. i think i'd first need to believe in a soul to tackle the idea, but it seems too limiting. if you love someone, and it doesn't work out for whatever reason, does that mean they weren't your soulmate- "the one"? is that person just another someone on a greater search and if so then how can it seem so right at the time? why do we still hold onto people, is it because it was real and we can't ignore that, or is it simply that some part of ourselves likes to feel defeat? should life with your soulmate come easily? and when nothing comes easily how do you begin to tell the difference? at what point is it no longer "worth it" to keep trying to make it work with someone? and should things even be as simple as that, the cons outnumbering the pros?
it seems not so unreasonable that the problem could be personal- especially when i sense this block so tangibly lately, like peter pan's filmy, detached shadow has taken up residence just under my skin. i'm starting to hate myself for expecting and wanting more than the average.
perhaps soulmates, like life, happen when you're making plans for something else.
but really, maybe it's just not out there, and maybe that's a possibility i can accept more easily as it leaves me holding none of the blame of not being able to recognize-
but still holding nothing.
ps-
"Dear Allison Jarrett,
When do you want to come to China ?
Write to me back.
Wang Huaijun"
in reply January 2007, i think i'll be taking off second semester this year, then classes at piedmont next summer. maybe the only thing to do, in relationships, in school, in China- is to throw myself into it and hope for the best.