Fic: In Her Hands (Cara/Kahlan) NC17 (1/2)
Title: In Her Hands
Author: Dylan
Pairing: Cara/Kahlan (slight mentions of Kahlan/Richard)
Rating: NC17
Warnings: None
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, only the situations, and I make zero money from this foolish endeavor.
Summary: Set shortly after they have defeated The Keeper, Kahlan must make a decision to keep Cara from leaving.
Notes: This wasn't meant to be so fluffy :/ Damn those feelings. Seriously, complete fluff.
Part One
She held the blanket against her skin, the scratchy material chafing rather than comforting. She didn’t really need the blanket around her, it was warm in this room and the other occupant had most definitely already seen her naked. The other occupant had never made a point of staring at her naked body before - on the few occasions it had been necessary to undress or bathe together - but last night she had luxuriated in looking. Every dip and curve, every taut muscle and every shudder brought about by knowing hands had probably been burned into the other occupant’s memory.
Kahlan sighed, allowing the blanket to drop from her shoulders a little as she sat in the old chair near the bed. The bed Cara was sleeping soundly in, her breathing deep and peaceful as she lay naked on her stomach, one arm flung out where Kahlan had been. Cara’s hand hung off the edge of the bed, fingers long, strong, eliciting recent memories within Kahlan that teased a warm trickle of desire through her entire body.
Cara’s hands now knew every part of her, had travelled over her skin, bringing pleasure in their wake. They had lifted Kahlan then soothed her, only to send her soaring once more. That particular hand had been places on Kahlan’s body only one other person had been. She licked her lips as a pleasant ache between her legs remembered; a mix of the pleasure they’d shared this night, and a need for more.
Unsure quite how they’d gotten to this point, how she had found herself in this position watching Cara sleep as she thought about what they had just done together, Kahlan swallowed her guilt and her fear. Deep down she had known for a while now that this was inevitable. That closing the last of the distance between herself and Cara had been unavoidable. They had danced around this for weeks, if not months. They had watched and waited, their friendship just a stepping stone to something more, something deeper.
Kahlan couldn’t explain why it had been inevitable; questioning it only brought her more questions instead of answers, but now that they were here, now that they had demolished the last barrier she felt both elated and sad.
She had betrayed Richard, who was no doubt asleep in his own room, dreaming of a marriage, of a life together unblemished by further threats from Darken, the Keeper, or anything that had the gall to attempt to disrupt the love between them. But it had been Kahlan herself who had brought a blemish, an ugly bruise, a disruption to their love. It had been her who had pulled Cara into her arms to take what she could no longer deny. It had been her that had been weak.
Feeling the scrape of the blanket over her now sore nipples, Kahlan sucked in a breath, sinking a little lower in the chair as the weight of what she had done pushed heavily on her.
They’d beaten the Keeper just over a week ago; they had all done their parts, their little family - the family that Kahlan loved. In the days that had followed the Keeper’s defeat, Richard had doted on Kahlan, reassuring her that what she’d done to him had not really been her doing. He forgave her, and with his words Kahlan ultimately forgave herself. They had made love once she could look at him without guilt and it had been everything that Richard had hoped for, but Kahlan had spent the rest of the night in his arms feeling different in ways that didn’t make sense.
She knew she loved him and he stirred things in her that made her smile, made her feel warmth deep in her bones, but something had been missing. She hadn’t been able to lose herself in him in the way she had imagined she would now she knew she couldn’t confess him. He had been attentive, taking his time with her, but Kahlan had found it increasingly difficult to let go as the moon slowly passed over their heads.
As the fire beside them in their own private camp - a suitable distance away from Cara and Zedd - died to a crackle, Richard finally found a way to make Kahlan a little more breathless. With his head between her legs she held him to her, trying her best to keep his fumbling efforts where it felt good. Though he tried to take control she gripped his hair, almost sobbing as release slipped from her grasp several times. After what felt like an age Kahlan eventually found herself in the grip of a small climax as she arched her back and gave Richard the reward for his efforts.
He had smiled like an idiot. An idiot rubbing his aching jaw as Kahlan wiped tears of frustration from her eyes and prayed to the Creator that it wouldn’t always be like this. That they would learn to accomplish what she wanted without this amount of exertion.
Subsequent times on other nights brought relief with only slightly less difficulty, as Kahlan - as subtly as she could - directed Richard towards the place she needed him with his tongue once he’d finished with his own need. He improved, but still his stubborn nature did all it could to bring her frustration. He couldn’t seem to read her reactions, or lack thereof, and by their fourth night together Kahlan had given up, deciding to concentrate on him instead, which left her feeling hollow and strange.
He didn’t seem to worry when she made excuses the next few nights, telling him they should spend time with Zedd and Cara. They were travelling to Aydindril; to meet with her sister, to decide what they would do next. Richard had marriage in mind, but Kahlan’s heart now felt oddly disinterested in the notion. It wasn’t just that Richard seemed to be a slow learned as far as the female body was concerned - that would have been rather shallow of her, Kahlan chastised herself - it was more than that. Something she had been ignoring for a long while now was gnawing at her, pressing her to take notice.
As if acting as a catalyst, Kahlan’s inability to find comfort and relief, passion and satisfaction, in Richard’s touch had made her mind, and even her heart wander. She examined what she had with Richard. She examined the adventures they’d taken, the roads they’d been down. Every thought was peppered with another face.
She watched Cara now, skin exposed. The sheets remained tangled at her feet where they’d both pushed them in their need to feel the burn of each other’s bodies, in their need to be in contact everywhere, in all the ways they could. Kahlan closed her eyes, taking a steadying breath. They had discovered something beautiful between them, wonderful and amazing, and Kahlan didn’t want it tainted with remorse and shame.
She didn’t want the fact that Cara could not be confessed to be cheapened. It had been a revelation that had caused Kahlan’s heart to skip, to tremble, to take flight as Cara said the words. As she assured Kahlan that - like Richard - she would be unharmed.
Touching her fingers to her own lips, Kahlan smiled and allowed tears to form in her eyes. Their first kiss that night had been unexpected, yet Kahlan had been ready for it. She realised that she’d been waiting for it for some time now, though never before having allowed herself to imagine how it would feel or how it would affect her. It had slammed open the gates, pushed down the walls, razed any hope of continuing to deny her desire for the woman who daily walked and fought by her side.
Just the touch of Cara’s lips did more for her body than anything Richard did his best to aim for after hours in his arms. Just a touch. But it wasn’t just about sensation or pleasure, it went deeper and Kahlan knew it. It scared her, but she could no longer run from it. It saddened her, but she could not ignore this feeling despite what it would mean for her and Richard.
She loved the woman who had brought tears to her eyes with pleasure, who had whispered things in her ear that had both made her blush and triggered a stuttering in her heart, who had touched her deeply with her hands, with her body, with her fearlessness.
No longer could Kahlan reject what she felt for Cara.
Her heart felt heavy with the sorrow she knew she’d bring to Richard, but also blissful with the knowledge this night had brought. The two opposites were nagging at her, prodding at her for decisions, but all she could think about was what she’d just done and what she’d just learned about herself. What it meant for their futures she didn’t know, but she hoped Cara’s recent decision to stay in D’Hara would change. She could not part from her now. Could not even imagine her days without Cara by her side. Nor her nights now that they had shared this one so differently from all the rest.
That decision and the voicing of it had finally woken parts of Kahlan; parts that had previously been content to lay dormant. So many things had exploded to life within Kahlan she’d had to take a seat, her knees weak and mind reeling.
“You’re staying in D’Hara?” she had questioned Cara, the sudden lack of air in her lungs making her dizzy. “Why?”
Her voice had trembled, sounding confused, a hint of accusation lingering on the edges.
“I do not belong in Aydindril,” Cara had answered, looking to Richard in her own confusion at Kahlan’s reaction.
Richard’s brow crinkled deeply in a frown as he ushered Kahlan to a seat at one of the tavern’s tables. He opened his mouth to speak, probably to protest, but Kahlan placed a hand on his arm, indicating that he should not. The room seemed to sway as she sat, her body betraying her as she stared at Cara.
“You will always be welcome there,” Kahlan insisted. “My home is your home.”
She said the words so softly she doubted Cara could have heard them above the jovial bustle of the room. But Cara did hear. Her face softened for a moment, and in that moment Kahlan saw a thousand things she’d never seen before in her shrewd green eyes. Kahlan indulged in the glimpses of emotion she saw within Cara, but much too quickly those eyes pulled away, unable to stand the scrutiny.
“It is a place for Confessors, not Mord-Sith,” Cara claimed. “And your sister, she . . .”
Cara’s gaze lowered to the floor as she desperately tried to hide the glimmer of shame, but Kahlan saw it. She wanted to reach out to Cara and tell her once again that she was not truly the one to blame for her sister’s death, but they had travelled that road before, and Kahlan had never managed to ease that guilt inside Cara.
“You would be there as my guest,” Kahlan began, but her words were not quite the truth. “As part of my family,” she corrected. “I will make Dennee understand.”
Richard shuffled his feet beside Kahlan, his hand gripping the back of her chair. He was uncomfortable with the conversation, and though Kahlan hadn’t spoken to him about her hope that they would all stay together, clearly he could sense how important it was to her. It probably puzzled him; her desire to keep Cara so close, to take her into Aydindril with her after all she’d done to her fellow Confessors. Kahlan would not be able to explain it to him. Her true reasons were unclear even to herself.
“I’ve ordered our meals,” Zedd informed them as he approached the table, his hands gripping a tray full of drinks, oblivious to the new tension.
Sitting across from Kahlan he regarded them all with a raised eyebrow before setting out the drinks and taking a long gulp of his own.
“Is there a problem?” he asked finally as the silence between them became ever more awkward.
Cara sighed, resting a hand on one of her agiels.
“Cara isn’t coming with us,” Richard notified him, his brow troubled with a deep frown. He clearly did not want to part with Cara either.
“Nonsense, my girl,” Zedd directed at Cara, waving a dismissive hand. “There is no better place for you than by Richard’s side.”
Kahlan winced inside, her heart hurting to think that Richard came before her in this decision. To think that Cara’s only reason to stay with them was for Richard, and not for Kahlan. The feeling shocked Kahlan but only for a moment. Only for the time it took for her to realise she had been feeling this way for some time.
“Not in Aydindril,” Cara maintained, her jaw clenching as her irritation mounted. “I will find a temple that can be trusted. There will be other Mord-Sith now willing to devote themselves to Richard as the true Lord Rahl. I could serve him better by gaining their trust and allegiance, rather than rattling around in a place I will not be wanted.”
Kahlan’s heart sunk. She hadn’t heard Cara speak this way about Aydindril before, or their plans. She hadn’t realised how difficult it might be for Cara to go there, to stay there. Though Kahlan desperately wanted her there she couldn’t deny that others would not be happy with her presence.
“They will grow used to you,” Kahlan appealed, though she sounded less than convinced. “They will see that you’re noble, and brave. I will tell them how you’ve saved my life many times. How you’ve . . .”
Her words drifted as fear gripped her. Fear that she would lose Cara.
Kahlan wasn’t certain why the thought of losing Cara made her ache inside so absolutely, right to her core, but she had her suspicions. Revealed to her this way, sharply, with the threat of Cara walking away from her, Kahlan had no choice but to see the truths long hidden from herself.
Tears pricked at her eyes causing Cara to turn away, her hand gripping tighter at her agiel.
“I’ve made my decision,” Cara mumbled, though she sounded sure, adamant.
“I won’t accept it,” Kahlan responded, raising her voice, wanting to grab at Cara and shake her.
“Maybe we should talk about this tomorrow,” Richard suggested, settling a soothing hand on Kahlan’s shoulder before taking a seat next to her. “We all need a good night’s sleep.”
Glancing his way with a scowl on her face, Kahlan - in that moment - wanted to slap him. Despite the awful idea that Cara would be gone soon he had a twinkle in his eye at the mention of sleep, of going to bed. How he could think of his libido at a time like this she didn’t know. Shaking her head, Kahlan decided that she would not be sharing her bed with Richard that night. She would share with Cara as they’d done many times before in an inn; though this time she hoped to spend some time before bed trying to dissuade Cara from leaving.
Cara’s shoulders sagged and she sat in her seat beside Zedd, opposite Kahlan, her eyes fixed to the rough wood of the table.
They drank their mead and then ate, and Kahlan asked for more to drink before the day was done, hoping for it to lessen the jagged pang in her chest that made her feel weary and unsettled. Cara had spoken little during their meal, her eyes travelling everywhere but to Kahlan, her jaw tight and body rigid. Kahlan was sure - hoped - that Cara didn’t really wish to leave them, to leave Kahlan, but as stubborn as the Mord-Sith could be she doubted she would be able to get Cara to admit that.
“I’ve asked for three rooms,” Richard informed them all on his trip back from the innkeeper, his gaze resting on Kahlan as he smiled tenderly at her.
She bristled, annoyed with him though she realised he didn’t really deserve it. He was obviously hoping that after several nights of them sleeping apart they could be together again. She could see in his warm brown eyes just what he wished to do with Kahlan in their room in this inn. Kahlan had no such desire for his company, and that was as clear a sign as any that something had changed for her, and changed dramatically. The change still mystified and troubled her, but she couldn’t disregard it.
“We will only need two rooms, Richard,” she told him, hoping her soft smile would leave him feeling a little less wounded. “You can share with your grandfather.”
“But I thought we might . . .” he began, a slight blush creeping over his cheeks.
Kahlan felt pity for him, but that would not change her mind.
With a cough, Zedd excused himself to the privy and Cara rolled her eyes. She sighed and stood, pushing her chair back from the table.
“Room key?” Cara asked Richard, holding out her hand. He placed it in the creases of her glove and continued to blush. “I’m going to bed,” she said, pausing with her back to Kahlan when Kahlan spoke.
“I’ll be up shortly,” Kahlan said, waiting for any indication that Cara didn’t want them to share a room. Cara said nothing; she only nodded slightly and continued to the stairs.
“Kahlan,” Richard practically whined as he moved to the seat opposite her and took one of her hands in his. “We could have our own room,” he tempted, the boy within him making him seem young again despite all he’d been through on their quests.
“I’m tired, Richard,” Kahlan said; an excuse.
He opened his mouth, the words he wanted to say, the appeal he wished to make dying on his lips as she gave him a cold, hard stare. She knew she looked intimidating when the Confessor within her took control. When it demanded respect and compliance. She hadn’t meant to slip into such a state, but she did not want to sit there indulging his petition for something she wasn’t certain she could ever give him again.
His shoulders dropped and he visibly deflated. It made Kahlan hate herself just a little but she would not lead him to believe all was fine. She would not make things more difficult by giving him hope.
“We’ll talk tomorrow,” she said, patting his hand, noticing the worry on his face but choosing not to ease his obvious concern where they sat. What she would have to say to him would require they have space, time. She wouldn’t do this to him here.
“Okay,” he murmured. “Tomorrow.”
He tried to smile but it faltered when she did not return it. How could she when her thoughts were now already with Cara and how she could convince her to stay with them?
Kahlan drank the last of her mug and took her leave, nodding and smiling to Zedd as he approached her on his way back to the table.
“Goodnight, my child,” he said quietly. “And don’t despair, Richard is stronger than any of us could imagine.”
Zedd gave her arm a squeeze and continued on as Kahlan frowned in contemplation of his words, wondering what he meant. Wondering what he knew that not even Kahlan quite understood yet.
She thought about it as she ascended the stairs. Did he know Kahlan’s heart even better than she did? Had he seen something in her that she was only now realising herself? Kahlan could only guess, her heart beginning to beat rapidly in her chest as she neared the door to the room she would sleep in with Cara.
When she reached the room, the last along the corridor, Kahlan paused and took a breath. She found that her hands were shaking, her chest reverberating from the heavy thumping within. Kahlan felt nervous, anxious, unable to sort and sift through her feelings and emotions. She had never felt quite like this before. This was new for her and she wasn’t certain of the implications, though somewhere in the back of her mind she heard herself clearly, candidly spilling the secret she held. She dare not listen to that distant voice within herself, and pushed it aside, determined to stay focused as she gripped the door handle and pushed.
The door opened without obstruction and Kahlan stepped inside the room, eyes searching quickly for Cara and finding her sat on a chair unlacing her boots. Kahlan closed the door and locked it, studying the thick wood, facing away from Cara as she tried to steady her nerves. It was silly to feel this way with her friend. It was silly to allow whatever it was lingering in the deepest parts of her to take control in this way.
“There’s no point in arguing with me,” Cara suddenly stated, causing Kahlan to jump a little.
She turned to face Cara and regarded her with an expression that would have brought many a man to his knees before her. She felt anger well inside.
“You can’t just decide to leave,” Kahlan attacked.
“I don’t belong to Richard,” Cara countered, her eyes fierce. “I will serve him, but I will not . . .”
“This isn’t about Richard,” Kahlan interrupted, her breaths quickening as she allowed her exasperation to take control.
“Then what is the problem?” Cara asked, pushing off her boots and standing. Her hands began working at her belts. “The world no longer needs saving. I’ve done what I can. It’s time for me to move on.”
“You could just walk away?” Kahlan questioned, the stabbing sensation in her chest at Cara’s words making her falter as she stepped closer. “After everything we’ve been through?”
Cara stared at Kahlan for what felt like an eternity before she turned her head, dropping her belt from around her hips, placing her agiels on the small table that held a wash bowl and some towels.
She didn’t answer and Kahlan almost repeated herself, but she knew it would be pointless. She knew that Cara would not be walking away easily. She knew, where her heart thundered in a rhythm she had never felt before, that Cara had not made this decision lightly. Kahlan still could not accept it, however. She would not let this happen.
“Come with us, Cara,” Kahlan pleaded softly, moving behind Cara. Close enough to reach out and touch, though she did not.
“To what end?” Cara questioned, her voice barely a whisper. “For what purpose?”
Kahlan searched her mind, her heart, her soul for an answer, desperate to know it for herself as much as her companion. Glimmers of realisation, of hopes and fears flitted through Kahlan’s mind, every one of them telling her of things she had refused to see or think about before this night. The words so close to her lips faltered and she sighed, unable to make sense yet of what she wanted to say, of what she truly felt for this woman she knew she could not lose.
“I’m tired,” Cara said, breaking the silence that stretched between them, obviously hoping for an end to the conversation.
She pulled quickly at her leathers, stripping herself of their confines before Kahlan had time to look away. She watched as Cara placed them on the chair and reached for a towel by the bowl of water before her. Wearing only a small pair of briefs, Cara splashed water over her face and neck and Kahlan finally turned her back, forcing herself not to watch. Wondering - not for the first time - why she had such a yearning to study Cara’s skin. To study the play of muscles in her back. To take note of every freckle, and every hint of a scar.
Kahlan swept her hands through her hair, frustrated with herself as much as with Cara. She ignored the itch under her skin and the desire to turn around again, carefully tugging at her laces at the front of her dress. She listened to the continuing splash of water and the rustling of Cara’s backpack, imagining that Cara was trying to find something she could wear to bed. Kahlan had requested long ago that Cara not sleep naked beside her, though her reasons then were different from the ones that followed, and only now was she aware of those newer reasons. Only now could she accept, if only a little, that her thoughts of Cara were not entirely chaste, or proper.
The realisation made Kahlan’s fingers clumsy, her eyes closing as she cursed this feeling. It wasn’t fair of her to think of Cara in such a way. It wasn’t fair on Richard either.
Listening to the sheets and blankets moving, Kahlan tugged harder at her ties, pulling free from her dress, allowing it to pool around her feet. She placed it over the arm of the chair closest to her and moved to the bowl she knew Cara would not have left empty. Ridding herself of the rest of her clothes without cause to feel modest - as she had always noticed that Cara would look away if possible - Kahlan washed quickly, drying herself with one of the towels and fetching her nightgown from her own pack.
She pulled it on over her head and began blowing out the few candles that flickered around the room. She turned towards the bed then, a little startled to see that Cara was watching her. Fighting a blush that would have given Cara reason to mock or question her, Kahlan blew the last candle out next to the bed and climbed in beside the other woman, avoiding looking in her eyes.
The bed was large enough for two, but not large enough for Kahlan to feel like she could relax. Tugging the sheets up around herself, Kahlan laid her head on the pillow and sighed. There was so much she wanted to say to Cara, to convince her that she should continue with them to Aydindril, but Kahlan didn’t know where to start. All she knew was that the thought of Cara riding away from them, from her, made her hurt in ways that made it difficult to breathe.
This feeling was her heart breaking. She knew it now. She knew it in this moment of quiet, in which she dare not turn to Cara and look at her in the low light of the moon for fear she would say something that would send Cara away forever.
But tomorrow Cara would be leaving anyway, and Kahlan would miss her with everything she was.
“I don’t want you to go,” Kahlan said into the stifling stillness that had settled around them.
She could hear the tears in her own words and lifted a hand to swipe at her cheek, almost surprised at the moisture she found there.
Cara let out a soft breath, the bed moving as she turned on her side to face Kahlan. She said nothing.
“Please, Cara,” Kahlan implored, hating how vulnerable and desperate she sounded.
Mother Confessors did not ask, did not plead, did not allow their hearts to be taken so thoroughly without their permission. Kahlan did not feel like the Mother Confessor in the shadows of this small room, she felt like a woman clinging to something that was hopeless, that would hurt others - Richard, Dennee - in ways she knew she’d probably never forgive herself for.
“Tell me why,” Cara asked, the edges of her voice, of her words, so soft that Kahlan shivered under the blankets. “Tell me why you don’t want me to go.”
Swallowing hard, Kahlan looked up at the ceiling. Her heart was thundering again, reasons for Cara to stay rattling through her mind but never making it past her lips as they were the wrong reasons. This wasn’t about loyalty to Richard, or because it was Cara’s duty. This was not about some claim they had on Cara. It was personal to Kahlan and she didn’t know if she could share those words; it was difficult enough just feeling them.
“That’s what I thought,” Cara muttered, turning onto her back once again.
“What do you want me to say?” Kahlan pleaded, fighting against herself. Did Cara want a confession that not even Kahlan had known was brewing inside her.
More tears trickled down Kahlan’s cheeks, a testament to the turmoil she felt. She didn’t know what to do or say, but deep in the recesses of her soul . . . she knew exactly what to do and what to say. Still, she fought it, looked for other avenues.
“I’ll leave tomorrow,” Cara said, no softness now. “You will continue on with Zedd, and with Richard. You will marry, have babies, live a long and wonderful life. There is no place for me there.”
Clutching at her chest, Kahlan felt every word as if it were a knife cutting at her. She had wanted those things once, before. Before time had passed, before she’d grown a little older and wiser, before Cara. Before she’d realised that the love she’d felt for Richard was not as complete as she’d thought it once was. It had been an immature love. A love that had sustained her just long enough to carry her to this point. It could carry her no further.
“Cara, I . . .” Kahlan stuttered, afraid of everything she felt and of how Cara would react. She would probably lose her anyway if she were to tell her these things she had been thinking.
“I understand, Kahlan,” Cara said, acceptance lingering on every word. “It has been an honour to be your friend, but surely you can see that my presence in your home is not required. I don’t wish to seem ungrateful, to either you or Richard, I just need to move on.”
Part Two
Author: Dylan
Pairing: Cara/Kahlan (slight mentions of Kahlan/Richard)
Rating: NC17
Warnings: None
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, only the situations, and I make zero money from this foolish endeavor.
Summary: Set shortly after they have defeated The Keeper, Kahlan must make a decision to keep Cara from leaving.
Notes: This wasn't meant to be so fluffy :/ Damn those feelings. Seriously, complete fluff.
Part One
She held the blanket against her skin, the scratchy material chafing rather than comforting. She didn’t really need the blanket around her, it was warm in this room and the other occupant had most definitely already seen her naked. The other occupant had never made a point of staring at her naked body before - on the few occasions it had been necessary to undress or bathe together - but last night she had luxuriated in looking. Every dip and curve, every taut muscle and every shudder brought about by knowing hands had probably been burned into the other occupant’s memory.
Kahlan sighed, allowing the blanket to drop from her shoulders a little as she sat in the old chair near the bed. The bed Cara was sleeping soundly in, her breathing deep and peaceful as she lay naked on her stomach, one arm flung out where Kahlan had been. Cara’s hand hung off the edge of the bed, fingers long, strong, eliciting recent memories within Kahlan that teased a warm trickle of desire through her entire body.
Cara’s hands now knew every part of her, had travelled over her skin, bringing pleasure in their wake. They had lifted Kahlan then soothed her, only to send her soaring once more. That particular hand had been places on Kahlan’s body only one other person had been. She licked her lips as a pleasant ache between her legs remembered; a mix of the pleasure they’d shared this night, and a need for more.
Unsure quite how they’d gotten to this point, how she had found herself in this position watching Cara sleep as she thought about what they had just done together, Kahlan swallowed her guilt and her fear. Deep down she had known for a while now that this was inevitable. That closing the last of the distance between herself and Cara had been unavoidable. They had danced around this for weeks, if not months. They had watched and waited, their friendship just a stepping stone to something more, something deeper.
Kahlan couldn’t explain why it had been inevitable; questioning it only brought her more questions instead of answers, but now that they were here, now that they had demolished the last barrier she felt both elated and sad.
She had betrayed Richard, who was no doubt asleep in his own room, dreaming of a marriage, of a life together unblemished by further threats from Darken, the Keeper, or anything that had the gall to attempt to disrupt the love between them. But it had been Kahlan herself who had brought a blemish, an ugly bruise, a disruption to their love. It had been her who had pulled Cara into her arms to take what she could no longer deny. It had been her that had been weak.
Feeling the scrape of the blanket over her now sore nipples, Kahlan sucked in a breath, sinking a little lower in the chair as the weight of what she had done pushed heavily on her.
They’d beaten the Keeper just over a week ago; they had all done their parts, their little family - the family that Kahlan loved. In the days that had followed the Keeper’s defeat, Richard had doted on Kahlan, reassuring her that what she’d done to him had not really been her doing. He forgave her, and with his words Kahlan ultimately forgave herself. They had made love once she could look at him without guilt and it had been everything that Richard had hoped for, but Kahlan had spent the rest of the night in his arms feeling different in ways that didn’t make sense.
She knew she loved him and he stirred things in her that made her smile, made her feel warmth deep in her bones, but something had been missing. She hadn’t been able to lose herself in him in the way she had imagined she would now she knew she couldn’t confess him. He had been attentive, taking his time with her, but Kahlan had found it increasingly difficult to let go as the moon slowly passed over their heads.
As the fire beside them in their own private camp - a suitable distance away from Cara and Zedd - died to a crackle, Richard finally found a way to make Kahlan a little more breathless. With his head between her legs she held him to her, trying her best to keep his fumbling efforts where it felt good. Though he tried to take control she gripped his hair, almost sobbing as release slipped from her grasp several times. After what felt like an age Kahlan eventually found herself in the grip of a small climax as she arched her back and gave Richard the reward for his efforts.
He had smiled like an idiot. An idiot rubbing his aching jaw as Kahlan wiped tears of frustration from her eyes and prayed to the Creator that it wouldn’t always be like this. That they would learn to accomplish what she wanted without this amount of exertion.
Subsequent times on other nights brought relief with only slightly less difficulty, as Kahlan - as subtly as she could - directed Richard towards the place she needed him with his tongue once he’d finished with his own need. He improved, but still his stubborn nature did all it could to bring her frustration. He couldn’t seem to read her reactions, or lack thereof, and by their fourth night together Kahlan had given up, deciding to concentrate on him instead, which left her feeling hollow and strange.
He didn’t seem to worry when she made excuses the next few nights, telling him they should spend time with Zedd and Cara. They were travelling to Aydindril; to meet with her sister, to decide what they would do next. Richard had marriage in mind, but Kahlan’s heart now felt oddly disinterested in the notion. It wasn’t just that Richard seemed to be a slow learned as far as the female body was concerned - that would have been rather shallow of her, Kahlan chastised herself - it was more than that. Something she had been ignoring for a long while now was gnawing at her, pressing her to take notice.
As if acting as a catalyst, Kahlan’s inability to find comfort and relief, passion and satisfaction, in Richard’s touch had made her mind, and even her heart wander. She examined what she had with Richard. She examined the adventures they’d taken, the roads they’d been down. Every thought was peppered with another face.
She watched Cara now, skin exposed. The sheets remained tangled at her feet where they’d both pushed them in their need to feel the burn of each other’s bodies, in their need to be in contact everywhere, in all the ways they could. Kahlan closed her eyes, taking a steadying breath. They had discovered something beautiful between them, wonderful and amazing, and Kahlan didn’t want it tainted with remorse and shame.
She didn’t want the fact that Cara could not be confessed to be cheapened. It had been a revelation that had caused Kahlan’s heart to skip, to tremble, to take flight as Cara said the words. As she assured Kahlan that - like Richard - she would be unharmed.
Touching her fingers to her own lips, Kahlan smiled and allowed tears to form in her eyes. Their first kiss that night had been unexpected, yet Kahlan had been ready for it. She realised that she’d been waiting for it for some time now, though never before having allowed herself to imagine how it would feel or how it would affect her. It had slammed open the gates, pushed down the walls, razed any hope of continuing to deny her desire for the woman who daily walked and fought by her side.
Just the touch of Cara’s lips did more for her body than anything Richard did his best to aim for after hours in his arms. Just a touch. But it wasn’t just about sensation or pleasure, it went deeper and Kahlan knew it. It scared her, but she could no longer run from it. It saddened her, but she could not ignore this feeling despite what it would mean for her and Richard.
She loved the woman who had brought tears to her eyes with pleasure, who had whispered things in her ear that had both made her blush and triggered a stuttering in her heart, who had touched her deeply with her hands, with her body, with her fearlessness.
No longer could Kahlan reject what she felt for Cara.
Her heart felt heavy with the sorrow she knew she’d bring to Richard, but also blissful with the knowledge this night had brought. The two opposites were nagging at her, prodding at her for decisions, but all she could think about was what she’d just done and what she’d just learned about herself. What it meant for their futures she didn’t know, but she hoped Cara’s recent decision to stay in D’Hara would change. She could not part from her now. Could not even imagine her days without Cara by her side. Nor her nights now that they had shared this one so differently from all the rest.
That decision and the voicing of it had finally woken parts of Kahlan; parts that had previously been content to lay dormant. So many things had exploded to life within Kahlan she’d had to take a seat, her knees weak and mind reeling.
“You’re staying in D’Hara?” she had questioned Cara, the sudden lack of air in her lungs making her dizzy. “Why?”
Her voice had trembled, sounding confused, a hint of accusation lingering on the edges.
“I do not belong in Aydindril,” Cara had answered, looking to Richard in her own confusion at Kahlan’s reaction.
Richard’s brow crinkled deeply in a frown as he ushered Kahlan to a seat at one of the tavern’s tables. He opened his mouth to speak, probably to protest, but Kahlan placed a hand on his arm, indicating that he should not. The room seemed to sway as she sat, her body betraying her as she stared at Cara.
“You will always be welcome there,” Kahlan insisted. “My home is your home.”
She said the words so softly she doubted Cara could have heard them above the jovial bustle of the room. But Cara did hear. Her face softened for a moment, and in that moment Kahlan saw a thousand things she’d never seen before in her shrewd green eyes. Kahlan indulged in the glimpses of emotion she saw within Cara, but much too quickly those eyes pulled away, unable to stand the scrutiny.
“It is a place for Confessors, not Mord-Sith,” Cara claimed. “And your sister, she . . .”
Cara’s gaze lowered to the floor as she desperately tried to hide the glimmer of shame, but Kahlan saw it. She wanted to reach out to Cara and tell her once again that she was not truly the one to blame for her sister’s death, but they had travelled that road before, and Kahlan had never managed to ease that guilt inside Cara.
“You would be there as my guest,” Kahlan began, but her words were not quite the truth. “As part of my family,” she corrected. “I will make Dennee understand.”
Richard shuffled his feet beside Kahlan, his hand gripping the back of her chair. He was uncomfortable with the conversation, and though Kahlan hadn’t spoken to him about her hope that they would all stay together, clearly he could sense how important it was to her. It probably puzzled him; her desire to keep Cara so close, to take her into Aydindril with her after all she’d done to her fellow Confessors. Kahlan would not be able to explain it to him. Her true reasons were unclear even to herself.
“I’ve ordered our meals,” Zedd informed them as he approached the table, his hands gripping a tray full of drinks, oblivious to the new tension.
Sitting across from Kahlan he regarded them all with a raised eyebrow before setting out the drinks and taking a long gulp of his own.
“Is there a problem?” he asked finally as the silence between them became ever more awkward.
Cara sighed, resting a hand on one of her agiels.
“Cara isn’t coming with us,” Richard notified him, his brow troubled with a deep frown. He clearly did not want to part with Cara either.
“Nonsense, my girl,” Zedd directed at Cara, waving a dismissive hand. “There is no better place for you than by Richard’s side.”
Kahlan winced inside, her heart hurting to think that Richard came before her in this decision. To think that Cara’s only reason to stay with them was for Richard, and not for Kahlan. The feeling shocked Kahlan but only for a moment. Only for the time it took for her to realise she had been feeling this way for some time.
“Not in Aydindril,” Cara maintained, her jaw clenching as her irritation mounted. “I will find a temple that can be trusted. There will be other Mord-Sith now willing to devote themselves to Richard as the true Lord Rahl. I could serve him better by gaining their trust and allegiance, rather than rattling around in a place I will not be wanted.”
Kahlan’s heart sunk. She hadn’t heard Cara speak this way about Aydindril before, or their plans. She hadn’t realised how difficult it might be for Cara to go there, to stay there. Though Kahlan desperately wanted her there she couldn’t deny that others would not be happy with her presence.
“They will grow used to you,” Kahlan appealed, though she sounded less than convinced. “They will see that you’re noble, and brave. I will tell them how you’ve saved my life many times. How you’ve . . .”
Her words drifted as fear gripped her. Fear that she would lose Cara.
Kahlan wasn’t certain why the thought of losing Cara made her ache inside so absolutely, right to her core, but she had her suspicions. Revealed to her this way, sharply, with the threat of Cara walking away from her, Kahlan had no choice but to see the truths long hidden from herself.
Tears pricked at her eyes causing Cara to turn away, her hand gripping tighter at her agiel.
“I’ve made my decision,” Cara mumbled, though she sounded sure, adamant.
“I won’t accept it,” Kahlan responded, raising her voice, wanting to grab at Cara and shake her.
“Maybe we should talk about this tomorrow,” Richard suggested, settling a soothing hand on Kahlan’s shoulder before taking a seat next to her. “We all need a good night’s sleep.”
Glancing his way with a scowl on her face, Kahlan - in that moment - wanted to slap him. Despite the awful idea that Cara would be gone soon he had a twinkle in his eye at the mention of sleep, of going to bed. How he could think of his libido at a time like this she didn’t know. Shaking her head, Kahlan decided that she would not be sharing her bed with Richard that night. She would share with Cara as they’d done many times before in an inn; though this time she hoped to spend some time before bed trying to dissuade Cara from leaving.
Cara’s shoulders sagged and she sat in her seat beside Zedd, opposite Kahlan, her eyes fixed to the rough wood of the table.
They drank their mead and then ate, and Kahlan asked for more to drink before the day was done, hoping for it to lessen the jagged pang in her chest that made her feel weary and unsettled. Cara had spoken little during their meal, her eyes travelling everywhere but to Kahlan, her jaw tight and body rigid. Kahlan was sure - hoped - that Cara didn’t really wish to leave them, to leave Kahlan, but as stubborn as the Mord-Sith could be she doubted she would be able to get Cara to admit that.
“I’ve asked for three rooms,” Richard informed them all on his trip back from the innkeeper, his gaze resting on Kahlan as he smiled tenderly at her.
She bristled, annoyed with him though she realised he didn’t really deserve it. He was obviously hoping that after several nights of them sleeping apart they could be together again. She could see in his warm brown eyes just what he wished to do with Kahlan in their room in this inn. Kahlan had no such desire for his company, and that was as clear a sign as any that something had changed for her, and changed dramatically. The change still mystified and troubled her, but she couldn’t disregard it.
“We will only need two rooms, Richard,” she told him, hoping her soft smile would leave him feeling a little less wounded. “You can share with your grandfather.”
“But I thought we might . . .” he began, a slight blush creeping over his cheeks.
Kahlan felt pity for him, but that would not change her mind.
With a cough, Zedd excused himself to the privy and Cara rolled her eyes. She sighed and stood, pushing her chair back from the table.
“Room key?” Cara asked Richard, holding out her hand. He placed it in the creases of her glove and continued to blush. “I’m going to bed,” she said, pausing with her back to Kahlan when Kahlan spoke.
“I’ll be up shortly,” Kahlan said, waiting for any indication that Cara didn’t want them to share a room. Cara said nothing; she only nodded slightly and continued to the stairs.
“Kahlan,” Richard practically whined as he moved to the seat opposite her and took one of her hands in his. “We could have our own room,” he tempted, the boy within him making him seem young again despite all he’d been through on their quests.
“I’m tired, Richard,” Kahlan said; an excuse.
He opened his mouth, the words he wanted to say, the appeal he wished to make dying on his lips as she gave him a cold, hard stare. She knew she looked intimidating when the Confessor within her took control. When it demanded respect and compliance. She hadn’t meant to slip into such a state, but she did not want to sit there indulging his petition for something she wasn’t certain she could ever give him again.
His shoulders dropped and he visibly deflated. It made Kahlan hate herself just a little but she would not lead him to believe all was fine. She would not make things more difficult by giving him hope.
“We’ll talk tomorrow,” she said, patting his hand, noticing the worry on his face but choosing not to ease his obvious concern where they sat. What she would have to say to him would require they have space, time. She wouldn’t do this to him here.
“Okay,” he murmured. “Tomorrow.”
He tried to smile but it faltered when she did not return it. How could she when her thoughts were now already with Cara and how she could convince her to stay with them?
Kahlan drank the last of her mug and took her leave, nodding and smiling to Zedd as he approached her on his way back to the table.
“Goodnight, my child,” he said quietly. “And don’t despair, Richard is stronger than any of us could imagine.”
Zedd gave her arm a squeeze and continued on as Kahlan frowned in contemplation of his words, wondering what he meant. Wondering what he knew that not even Kahlan quite understood yet.
She thought about it as she ascended the stairs. Did he know Kahlan’s heart even better than she did? Had he seen something in her that she was only now realising herself? Kahlan could only guess, her heart beginning to beat rapidly in her chest as she neared the door to the room she would sleep in with Cara.
When she reached the room, the last along the corridor, Kahlan paused and took a breath. She found that her hands were shaking, her chest reverberating from the heavy thumping within. Kahlan felt nervous, anxious, unable to sort and sift through her feelings and emotions. She had never felt quite like this before. This was new for her and she wasn’t certain of the implications, though somewhere in the back of her mind she heard herself clearly, candidly spilling the secret she held. She dare not listen to that distant voice within herself, and pushed it aside, determined to stay focused as she gripped the door handle and pushed.
The door opened without obstruction and Kahlan stepped inside the room, eyes searching quickly for Cara and finding her sat on a chair unlacing her boots. Kahlan closed the door and locked it, studying the thick wood, facing away from Cara as she tried to steady her nerves. It was silly to feel this way with her friend. It was silly to allow whatever it was lingering in the deepest parts of her to take control in this way.
“There’s no point in arguing with me,” Cara suddenly stated, causing Kahlan to jump a little.
She turned to face Cara and regarded her with an expression that would have brought many a man to his knees before her. She felt anger well inside.
“You can’t just decide to leave,” Kahlan attacked.
“I don’t belong to Richard,” Cara countered, her eyes fierce. “I will serve him, but I will not . . .”
“This isn’t about Richard,” Kahlan interrupted, her breaths quickening as she allowed her exasperation to take control.
“Then what is the problem?” Cara asked, pushing off her boots and standing. Her hands began working at her belts. “The world no longer needs saving. I’ve done what I can. It’s time for me to move on.”
“You could just walk away?” Kahlan questioned, the stabbing sensation in her chest at Cara’s words making her falter as she stepped closer. “After everything we’ve been through?”
Cara stared at Kahlan for what felt like an eternity before she turned her head, dropping her belt from around her hips, placing her agiels on the small table that held a wash bowl and some towels.
She didn’t answer and Kahlan almost repeated herself, but she knew it would be pointless. She knew that Cara would not be walking away easily. She knew, where her heart thundered in a rhythm she had never felt before, that Cara had not made this decision lightly. Kahlan still could not accept it, however. She would not let this happen.
“Come with us, Cara,” Kahlan pleaded softly, moving behind Cara. Close enough to reach out and touch, though she did not.
“To what end?” Cara questioned, her voice barely a whisper. “For what purpose?”
Kahlan searched her mind, her heart, her soul for an answer, desperate to know it for herself as much as her companion. Glimmers of realisation, of hopes and fears flitted through Kahlan’s mind, every one of them telling her of things she had refused to see or think about before this night. The words so close to her lips faltered and she sighed, unable to make sense yet of what she wanted to say, of what she truly felt for this woman she knew she could not lose.
“I’m tired,” Cara said, breaking the silence that stretched between them, obviously hoping for an end to the conversation.
She pulled quickly at her leathers, stripping herself of their confines before Kahlan had time to look away. She watched as Cara placed them on the chair and reached for a towel by the bowl of water before her. Wearing only a small pair of briefs, Cara splashed water over her face and neck and Kahlan finally turned her back, forcing herself not to watch. Wondering - not for the first time - why she had such a yearning to study Cara’s skin. To study the play of muscles in her back. To take note of every freckle, and every hint of a scar.
Kahlan swept her hands through her hair, frustrated with herself as much as with Cara. She ignored the itch under her skin and the desire to turn around again, carefully tugging at her laces at the front of her dress. She listened to the continuing splash of water and the rustling of Cara’s backpack, imagining that Cara was trying to find something she could wear to bed. Kahlan had requested long ago that Cara not sleep naked beside her, though her reasons then were different from the ones that followed, and only now was she aware of those newer reasons. Only now could she accept, if only a little, that her thoughts of Cara were not entirely chaste, or proper.
The realisation made Kahlan’s fingers clumsy, her eyes closing as she cursed this feeling. It wasn’t fair of her to think of Cara in such a way. It wasn’t fair on Richard either.
Listening to the sheets and blankets moving, Kahlan tugged harder at her ties, pulling free from her dress, allowing it to pool around her feet. She placed it over the arm of the chair closest to her and moved to the bowl she knew Cara would not have left empty. Ridding herself of the rest of her clothes without cause to feel modest - as she had always noticed that Cara would look away if possible - Kahlan washed quickly, drying herself with one of the towels and fetching her nightgown from her own pack.
She pulled it on over her head and began blowing out the few candles that flickered around the room. She turned towards the bed then, a little startled to see that Cara was watching her. Fighting a blush that would have given Cara reason to mock or question her, Kahlan blew the last candle out next to the bed and climbed in beside the other woman, avoiding looking in her eyes.
The bed was large enough for two, but not large enough for Kahlan to feel like she could relax. Tugging the sheets up around herself, Kahlan laid her head on the pillow and sighed. There was so much she wanted to say to Cara, to convince her that she should continue with them to Aydindril, but Kahlan didn’t know where to start. All she knew was that the thought of Cara riding away from them, from her, made her hurt in ways that made it difficult to breathe.
This feeling was her heart breaking. She knew it now. She knew it in this moment of quiet, in which she dare not turn to Cara and look at her in the low light of the moon for fear she would say something that would send Cara away forever.
But tomorrow Cara would be leaving anyway, and Kahlan would miss her with everything she was.
“I don’t want you to go,” Kahlan said into the stifling stillness that had settled around them.
She could hear the tears in her own words and lifted a hand to swipe at her cheek, almost surprised at the moisture she found there.
Cara let out a soft breath, the bed moving as she turned on her side to face Kahlan. She said nothing.
“Please, Cara,” Kahlan implored, hating how vulnerable and desperate she sounded.
Mother Confessors did not ask, did not plead, did not allow their hearts to be taken so thoroughly without their permission. Kahlan did not feel like the Mother Confessor in the shadows of this small room, she felt like a woman clinging to something that was hopeless, that would hurt others - Richard, Dennee - in ways she knew she’d probably never forgive herself for.
“Tell me why,” Cara asked, the edges of her voice, of her words, so soft that Kahlan shivered under the blankets. “Tell me why you don’t want me to go.”
Swallowing hard, Kahlan looked up at the ceiling. Her heart was thundering again, reasons for Cara to stay rattling through her mind but never making it past her lips as they were the wrong reasons. This wasn’t about loyalty to Richard, or because it was Cara’s duty. This was not about some claim they had on Cara. It was personal to Kahlan and she didn’t know if she could share those words; it was difficult enough just feeling them.
“That’s what I thought,” Cara muttered, turning onto her back once again.
“What do you want me to say?” Kahlan pleaded, fighting against herself. Did Cara want a confession that not even Kahlan had known was brewing inside her.
More tears trickled down Kahlan’s cheeks, a testament to the turmoil she felt. She didn’t know what to do or say, but deep in the recesses of her soul . . . she knew exactly what to do and what to say. Still, she fought it, looked for other avenues.
“I’ll leave tomorrow,” Cara said, no softness now. “You will continue on with Zedd, and with Richard. You will marry, have babies, live a long and wonderful life. There is no place for me there.”
Clutching at her chest, Kahlan felt every word as if it were a knife cutting at her. She had wanted those things once, before. Before time had passed, before she’d grown a little older and wiser, before Cara. Before she’d realised that the love she’d felt for Richard was not as complete as she’d thought it once was. It had been an immature love. A love that had sustained her just long enough to carry her to this point. It could carry her no further.
“Cara, I . . .” Kahlan stuttered, afraid of everything she felt and of how Cara would react. She would probably lose her anyway if she were to tell her these things she had been thinking.
“I understand, Kahlan,” Cara said, acceptance lingering on every word. “It has been an honour to be your friend, but surely you can see that my presence in your home is not required. I don’t wish to seem ungrateful, to either you or Richard, I just need to move on.”
Part Two