Fic: Rarely Resisted (Cara/Kahlan) NC17 (2/?)
Title: Rarely Resisted
Author: Dylan
Pairing: Cara/Kahlan
Rating: NC17 (overall)
Warnings: None.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, only the situations, and I make zero money from this foolish endeavor.
Summary: Set around the time between 'Fury' and 'Resurrection', early in season 2 of Legend of The Seeker. Sometimes resistance is err...futile.
Part Two
As the stars shift slowly in the night sky my gaze travels over Zedd as he snores, Richard as he breathes slow and even, tucked under his blanket facing away from the fire, and then to the other side of the fire where Cara remains awake beside my own bedroll.
I know she’s awake though she’s spent the past half a candle mark trying to fall asleep, tossing and turning and sighing as she remains conscious. I haven’t spoken or made any indication that I know she isn’t sleeping, thinking it best just to let her be; I don’t want to make it worse by talking to her. I’m sure she’ll drop off soon, or at least by the time I go back to bed myself. The men never seem to have difficulty sleeping it seems, but I understand how Cara feels; I still find it difficult to find comfort on the ground.
Just as I finally think Cara has settled as the blanket stops moving and she remains still, I focus my eyes only to notice she’s not quite as still as I’d thought. There’s movement under her thick covering. Movement I’ve seen before.
For a moment I hold my breath, not daring to imagine she’s about to do what I think she is. Surely she wouldn’t. Not when she knows that I’m awake and might see.
But she is, and my fingers grip the edge of the log I’m sitting on, nails digging in to the wood as I will myself to look away. But I’d be fooling myself if I thought I could possibly turn my head and ignore where her hand is going, how her legs are moving, spreading open under her blanket. My lungs start to burn as I try not to breathe too loud, as I do my best not to care that she’s about to touch herself with me sat right here no more than a few paces away.
This is so unfair of her, yet it’s even more unfair of me to continue watching. Still, my eyes remain fixed on her, noticing as her fingers finally reach the place between her thighs and she takes a deeper breath. One of her legs raise up a little way, bent at the knee, and she spreads them open further, obviously paying no heed to my presence so close.
I can feel myself reacting already; needing more oxygen, stomach tightening, body warming and growing damp between my own legs. I sneak my tongue out over my suddenly dry lips, staring at the hands moving beneath the course wool covering Cara. She has a hand palming her breast as the one between her legs moves up and down slowly, achingly slowly.
Almost as if she’s touching me and not herself my own sex twitches with need, making me curse myself for falling so easily under this spell once again. She turns me into a quivering mess so quickly and it’s not even me she’s pleasuring. I can’t quite understand how or why, but it’s just Cara I suppose. The way she is, the way I want her.
Biting on my lower lip I hear the first moan drift quietly up from Cara and my skin prickles. She’s getting breathless already and I know it won’t be long until her hand quickens and her sounds reach my ears more frequently. Taking a moment to flick my gaze towards Richard and Zedd I thank the Spirits that they’re still very much asleep. When I turn back I see that the blanket covering Cara has shifted a little lower, only just covering her breasts now as she gives in to her pleasure, seemingly oblivious to the fact I might be watching her.
A shuddering sigh assaults my ears and I almost sigh in kind, squeezing my thighs together in the hope I can get through this without doing something stupid or risky. Cara would never let me hear the end of it if she discovered that I’d seen her and enjoyed it. It would make travelling with her extremely awkward, and Creator only knows how Richard would react if she were to tell him. It’s better pretending not to notice that Cara is now on the brink of orgasm, rather than have her realise I’m fully aware of her actions and fully aroused by them.
She’s too far away for me to hear the wet slide of her fingers, but I can imagine it. I can imagine the sound, the sensation, the way it might look; fingers glistening, caressing everywhere she needs them. Swallowing hard my body begs to reach for the heights she’s swiftly taking herself to and I almost fall off the log I’m perched precariously on when the hand at her breast moves down to join the other between her legs. Closing my eyes I attempt to take steady breaths, nostrils flaring and hands grasping the wood beneath me, every inch of me tuned to Cara at this moment.
I know she’s lost to her pleasure and I feel awful for not turning away and leaving her to her privacy, but I can’t move. I can no more move than I can pull the stars from the sky and string them around my neck; she has me captivated and I have to wonder if she’s aware of that or not. Her head tips back, her profile highlighted by the flickering of the fire. Such a striking woman she is, and I know now I’ve never felt this attracted to anybody before in my life. I used to think Richard was perfect, but once Cara came along and I was finally able to see past my anger and distrust I realised there was something about her that I couldn’t ignore. Something even Richard didn’t posses.
She may not be perfect, she may be flawed and so opposite to me it’s almost ridiculous, but she’s turned my head completely. I want to know every inch of her.
Another soft moan drifts up from Cara and I know she’s close; I can tell from her breathing and the way her body is tightening. I see the tip of her tongue glide over her lips and there’s an aching pulse between my thighs that demands attention, though I know I can’t do anything to relieve myself here. That doesn’t stop my body longing, growing wetter where I need to be touched; swollen with need, desperate for something, for fingers to find my release, to fill me the way I know Cara is filling herself now.
I barely bite down on a moan of my own as Cara takes a quivering breath and finally comes, her head back, lips parted, the jerking of her hips obvious in the light of the fire. I tremble with her, almost on the brink of release myself just watching her. Cara’s lips move as she shudders through her release and for a moment I swear I hear my name; my name falling quietly from her mouth as she reaches climax.
The gasp escapes me before I can stop it and I lose my balance on the small log I’ve been clinging to. With a huff and clatter I topple onto the discarded dinner plates by the fire and it’s no surprise that Richard wakes instantly, twisting in his blanket to see what’s wrong, to check for danger.
“What happened?” he asks, rubbing at his eyes.
“I slipped,” I respond, my voice tight and my cheeks blazing red as I attempt to right myself.
“Are you ok?” Richard questions further, his brown eyes tender with concern.
I don’t look over at Cara but she’s said nothing so far and made no indication that she’s about to embarrass me further. Rearranging myself back onto the log, I dust off my knees and keep my gaze firmly glued to the fire.
“I’m fine, just tired I think,” I say, my heart still pounding from both what Cara had just been doing and my own clumsiness.
At the back of my mind I keep hearing how Cara uttered my name as she came. I couldn’t possibly have made it up or imagined it, but I’m confused and concerned and I have no idea what it might mean. She could have been mocking me because she’d realised I was watching her, or it could have just been something that slipped out accidentally. I have no way of knowing for sure.
“Go back to bed, Kahlan,” Richard suggests softly, untangling himself from his blanket. “I’ll keep watch now.”
I open my mouth to tell him there’s no need, but he’s already up and sitting beside me, carefully trying to unrumple his shirt and straighten his mussed hair. It would probably be a better idea to stay sat by him for a while if he insists on staying awake, so I can avoid being close to Cara for as long as possible. But as I finally allow my gaze to wander over to Cara’s bedroll I notice that she’s tucked under her blanket once again. She has settled herself down to sleep, her back to the fire.
“If you’re sure,” I say to Richard, smiling kindly at him.
Though I hadn’t felt particularly tired before, I do now. I also doubt I’d be very reliable watching over camp tonight anyway as I’m too distracted, too caught up in my own thoughts. I know I shouldn’t take advantage of Richard’s kind nature but the desire to lie down and let sleep dull my confusion is too strong to deny. Plus, a small part of me actually wants to be close to Cara, to bask in her warmth and take in her scent as much as I can, even though it’ll be like a form of torture even she’d be proud of me for enduring.
Pulled in two directions by my own mind, the need to gravitate towards Cara wins out and I thank Richard, patting his arm affectionately before rising and making my way over to my bedroll. Cara is much closer to where I’d been sleeping than I could previously tell from over by the fire but I don’t pull my things away, as much as I know I should after initially making a point of putting my bedroll a small distance away from the others. Seeing that her eyes are closed, though she’s facing where I’ll be laying, I pull off my loosely laced boots and strip down to my corset once I’m covered by my blanket.
My shuffling doesn’t seem to disturb her and once again all I can think about is hearing my name; a moan as she touched herself. My stomach flutters at the memory but I blush again, stifled by my own fear and worry. I don’t know if she even noticed that it affected me, or that I heard at all. It seems like she’s falling asleep now without so much as a thought to how I might be feeling or what I might be thinking so I can only assumes she doesn’t realise I heard. Or maybe she just doesn’t care.
For a moment I feel angry at Cara, but then I turn to face her as we lay side by side and I’m instantly caught in her gaze as she watches me sleepily, her eyes hooded as she regards me from her pillow.
I can’t pull my eyes away from hers and I see more of her than I ever have. I see her strength and her courage, but mostly I see a vulnerability that surprises me. Cara’s lips quirk up into a quick smile but before I can smile back or frown in my confusion she closes her eyes once again and I’m left gazing at her relaxed face with a thousand questions I know I can’t ask.
She’s turning me inside out and I don’t even know if she knows it.
By morning I’m still reeling from what happened that night, watching Cara as she makes her way around camp packing things away as Richard prepares the horses and Zedd arranges a small breakfast. I haven’t spoken more than a few words to anybody and I know Richard is worried about me; he keeps glancing my way, giving me a look that resembles a small wounded puppy. I feel bad for not speaking with him but right now I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to get past all the things in my head or the heavy thud of my heart as I contemplate what’s happening to me.
I find myself glancing from Richard to Cara and back again, baffled at the way I’ve changed, the way I see them both now - so different to just a month ago. There’s no doubt Richard is very dear to me but Cara . . . she makes something inside me bubble and burn and yearn to be close to her. Sometimes I see a sadness to her eyes that makes my chest ache in a way that’s familiar yet completely alien to me. I can’t explain how I feel, I just know that I do.
For her I’m feeling everything, all at once and in a rush that has tugged me along in its tumbling current. As much as I might want to cling to something solid to keep me steady - to Richard - I know it’s useless to fight. Useless but completely necessary.
I will fight. I can’t allow myself to fall in love with this woman.
“Richard,” I say softly, moving up beside him near the horses. “Can I speak with you?”
He frowns a little at first but then nods his head, his brown eyes letting me in to see every part of him.
I stop us by a large tree not too far from our camp but far enough that prying eyes or eager ears won’t participate in what I have to say. Richard smiles at me, his hair beginning to tumble into his eyes as he waits patiently for me to explain myself. Raising my hand to his cheek I give him a smile I hope is genuine, full of promise and love.
“I just wanted to apologise for . . . for my bad mood lately,” I tell him, beginning to feel that ache in my chest that I must ignore. “I was feeling a little out of sorts.”
“It’s ok,” he tells me, full of adoration and forgiveness. “There’s no need to . . .”
“There is,” I insist, knowing I’m apologising for much more than just my temperament.
I seal my fate by placing a tender kiss on his lips. I don’t linger as long as I would have in the past but the smile on Richard’s face is wider now, more certain of my love for him.
His hands cup my face and for a moment I feel a little trapped, but I know he’s done this countless times before and I’ve only ever responded willingly so I don’t move away. Richard kisses me this time, moving against my mouth in a way that insists on more than I want to give, but I try. I try for him.
We’re interrupted by the snapping of a twig and we both turn quickly to see Cara as she stands no more than a few paces away. Instantly I see the sadness to her eyes that pricks at my chest but before I can dwell on it her face has changed, hardened. There’s a smirk teasing at her lips and I know - somehow I know - she’s trying to hide behind it.
“I’m on my way to fill the water bottles,” she explains, voice almost cutting in its sharpness. “Once you’re done canoodling like teenagers we should make our way back to the road.”
My gaze falls to the ground and I feel a sudden horror that she’d seen Richard and I kissing. I know she’s seen it before, plenty of times, but right now it feels wrong that she saw us, and wrong that I can’t tell her it didn’t mean what she might think it means.
There’s an acidic taste at the back of my throat and I step away from Richard more abruptly than I could possibly explain, so I don’t, I just give them both another quick glance before nodding to Cara and making my way back to camp. I can’t speak for fear I’d say something that might give either one of them cause for concern, so I keep my thoughts to myself. I already know Richard must be a little perplexed, and no doubt Cara took a moment to roll her eyes before heading to the stream nearby, but it’s best if I avoid being in situations that involve them both, that involves the harsh prick of my guilt and my shame.
When Richard returns he’s once again looking at me like a wounded puppy and I know I’ll have to take time later to set his mind at ease, maybe allow him to hold me the way he likes when we take a walk alone. Let him kiss me and believe that nothing is as strong as the love we share.
I used to think that was true, but now I know love can be fleeting. Maybe what I felt for Richard was no more than wonder, the excitement of something new, something that was mine. Finally I had my seeker and he loved me, wanted me. It lifted me and kept me on its wings for the longest time, but my feet are back on the ground now and I’m no longer waiting for his every glance. I wait for Cara’s.
Once we get moving, leading the horses to the road before mounting them and making our way as the compass instructs, the mood of our party lifts. Zedd is chattering away, trying to get Cara to join in with his conversation with Richard, and though Cara is obviously reluctant she doesn’t cut them short with a sharp remark or a barely concealed yawn as is usual. I watch from behind as I follow them slowly on my horse. Richard will have a sore neck by nightfall with all the twisting he’s doing trying to catch my eye as he looks back to me from his tall steed. Cara has only glanced back once, her eyes finding mine without difficulty; the set of her jaw giving nothing away, the green of her eyes making me shudder.
I don’t look away from her as I have been doing with Richard as subtly as possible, but her gaze doesn’t linger too long. She turns back to face the front of her horse and digs her heels into his side to send him a little ahead of both Zedd and Richard. I guess she’s done with their conversation, and though I know it’s wrong of me I feel the further distance more than I should. I feel suddenly colder, more sullen; bereft as I realise I won’t be able to keep my eyes on her as easily as I have been doing over the past few hours.
Instantly I miss the flow of her blonde hair over her shoulder and the slight roll of her hips as she moves with her mount. Watching her so closely had only confirmed what I knew I was feeling and I had been finding it difficult to look away, so maybe it’s a good thing that Zedd and Richard are now obscuring my view. At least now I can think without the distraction of her alluring back and that soft, silken hair that I just know would feel wonderful brushing against my skin.
But thinking doesn’t seem to help, only plunge me deeper into my own despair. There are so many reasons for me not be close to Cara; her being Mord-Sith a major one. As a Confessor I shouldn’t even be daring to think I could be with her as even just a friend; we’re opposites in everything we are, in everything we do. She was made to hate Confessors, to hate me. I was trained to fear her, to protect myself and others from her and her kind.
Neither of us hate each other, however, and we no longer look at each other with the limits of what we are. At least, I don’t look at her that way, I can’t be sure if she still harbours those longstanding judgments. I think she trusts me, as I trust her now. We haven’t really talked about it.
“We’ll stop for lunch soon,” Richard says, much closer to me than I’d thought he was.
He must have slowed his horse so I would catch up with him. His eyes are on me, a hesitant smile making him look even younger than he is.
“There’s a small town ahead I think,” he continues, mostly speaking to me it seems, though Zedd is listening too. Cara is too far ahead now to be included in the conversation. “We can stop there and get some supplies.”
I nod and offer him a smile. There’s worry in his eyes, on his face, and he’s doing his best not to show it, but a Confessor knows and I can see right through him. I’m suddenly glad he doesn’t have that ability, but how am I supposed to convince him that I still want to be with him when I can’t even convince myself?
This thing has been tugging at me for weeks now and no matter how much I bat it away it comes back stronger. I don’t know if it’s right for me to do my best to be faithful to him and his love, or if it would be better to gently let him know that we aren’t going to be what he so hopes we will be. I’m aware it would be kinder not to keep up a ruse and to tell him I no longer love him the way I did or the way he deserves, but he’d want to know why and I don’t think I’m ready to admit to why. It would hurt him and confuse him and right now we need to focus on our quest, not on my disorderly feelings.
As we round the bend the town comes into view, set behind its walls at the bottom of the hill we’re meandering down. It’s small but I can already see one street dedicated to traders, stalls, small shops selling their wares. We were running low on quite a few things so this stop is a good idea, and a nice meal sat on a comfy chair might help just a little to alleviate my introspective mood. Hurrying my horse a bit faster I give Richard a genuine smile this time and tell him it was a good idea. He beams at me, sitting a fraction taller in his saddle.
I notice Cara waiting for us up ahead and I smile wider without thinking, catching her eyes with mine and holding them longer than necessary. She doesn’t turn away but when she does her gaze lands on Richard as he rides beside me, a little squint to her eyes making me wonder what she just thought, or felt. It almost looks like she’s biting her tongue but then once again she turns from us and continues down the road.
“We’re stopping at the town, Cara,” Richard shouts.
Cara lifts a hand to show she heard him and takes the road to the left as it splits, heading towards the town gates. Once again I’m watching her, regarding the tension in her back and the way she holds her horse steady as two guards come out to greet us.
Their eyes are wide, a mix of fear, distrust and agitation making them jittery and quick to grab for their weapons.
“Halt!” The larger of the two calls. “We don’t allow your kind here.”
He’s clearly speaking to Cara though Cara hardly acknowledges his existence, gently patting her horse’s neck and appearing bored already of his protestations.
“She’s with us,” I say before Richard has the chance.
I ease my horse next to Cara’s and look down on the guards with an air of authority I’d been taught many years ago.
“I apologise, Mother Confessor,” the large guard says, bowing his head in deference, “but we can’t let her in. It’s the law of this town.”
He looks to have a bad taste in his mouth and I feel a surge of anger. If only he knew what we know about this woman, about Cara. She may be Mord-Sith but I’ve seen good in her. I know that it’s inside and she proves it every time she not only places herself in danger for Richard but for both Zedd and I. She may have been a tool, a weapon for Darken Rahl, but her actions aren’t those of a monster. Not anymore.
I’m about to plead her case and tell this over-sized brute exactly what I think of his insistence that she doesn’t enter, but Cara tugs on the reins of her horse and turns him around so she’s looking over her shoulder at the guards, a slight sneer hardening her face.
“I’d rather stay outside anyway,” she says gruffly. “There’s a strange aroma coming from your town. In fact it smells a little like pig . . .”
“Cara!” I admonish as subtly as I can. “I’m sure if we ask nicely these fine gentlemen might . . .”
“Don’t bother,” Cara interrupts, glaring at me. “I don’t need to see their town that badly. I’ll wait on the rise up ahead.”
Before I can stop her she’s already moving away from us, her horse traipsing back up the road towards a small grassy hill overlooking the town.
I turn to Richard, giving him a look that clearly indicates I’d like him to go and change Cara’s mind, but he just shrugs at me as if he’s incapable of such a thing. He probably is, but it would have been nice of him to try. With a sigh I shake my head, glowering at the guards in a silent promise to make them pay for this transgression. I could of course order them to allow us all through their gates, but Cara is already quite a way up the hill and I really have no intention of starting a fight or causing problems that will only slow us down.
The hope of a meal and a soft chair slips through my grasp and I turn my own horse around.
“You two go in and get our supplies, I’ll catch up with Cara,” I say, leaving no room for argument even though I see the bemused look on Richard’s face. “And make sure you bring some food for us when you leave.”
My stomach growls and I do my best to hide the slight blush I know is probably reddening my cheeks.
“No, wait, Kahlan,” Richard implores before I get far. “You go in with Zedd, I’ll stay with Cara.”
For a moment I almost tell him that that’s a better idea - a large part of me worried about spending time alone with Cara. But I shake my head and give him a reassuring smile - the other part of me actually wanting to spend time alone with Cara, no matter how brief.
“No, go ahead,” I tell him. “You have most of the packs on your horse anyway. It’s easier this way.”
I hope my slight excuse works and it seems as though it has as he nods in acceptance, though he seems rather forlorn now.
“Be careful,” he says, his eyebrows knitting together almost comically.
“We’ll be fine, Richard,” I say. “Now go on before all the stalls close for the day.”
Taking pity on him I give him a smile that brightens his eyes before I flick on my reins and head the way Cara went. He really is a sweet man, but the woman ahead already has my gaze trained to her rear as she ascends the small hill with its tumble of rocks and scattering of trees. She may not be sweet and gentle like Richard but my stomach flutters as I watch her, and my heart drums in my chest, warning me that I’m not as in control of what it feels as I want to be.
Suddenly, I regret my decision to be alone with her.
Part Three
.
Author: Dylan
Pairing: Cara/Kahlan
Rating: NC17 (overall)
Warnings: None.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, only the situations, and I make zero money from this foolish endeavor.
Summary: Set around the time between 'Fury' and 'Resurrection', early in season 2 of Legend of The Seeker. Sometimes resistance is err...futile.
Part Two
As the stars shift slowly in the night sky my gaze travels over Zedd as he snores, Richard as he breathes slow and even, tucked under his blanket facing away from the fire, and then to the other side of the fire where Cara remains awake beside my own bedroll.
I know she’s awake though she’s spent the past half a candle mark trying to fall asleep, tossing and turning and sighing as she remains conscious. I haven’t spoken or made any indication that I know she isn’t sleeping, thinking it best just to let her be; I don’t want to make it worse by talking to her. I’m sure she’ll drop off soon, or at least by the time I go back to bed myself. The men never seem to have difficulty sleeping it seems, but I understand how Cara feels; I still find it difficult to find comfort on the ground.
Just as I finally think Cara has settled as the blanket stops moving and she remains still, I focus my eyes only to notice she’s not quite as still as I’d thought. There’s movement under her thick covering. Movement I’ve seen before.
For a moment I hold my breath, not daring to imagine she’s about to do what I think she is. Surely she wouldn’t. Not when she knows that I’m awake and might see.
But she is, and my fingers grip the edge of the log I’m sitting on, nails digging in to the wood as I will myself to look away. But I’d be fooling myself if I thought I could possibly turn my head and ignore where her hand is going, how her legs are moving, spreading open under her blanket. My lungs start to burn as I try not to breathe too loud, as I do my best not to care that she’s about to touch herself with me sat right here no more than a few paces away.
This is so unfair of her, yet it’s even more unfair of me to continue watching. Still, my eyes remain fixed on her, noticing as her fingers finally reach the place between her thighs and she takes a deeper breath. One of her legs raise up a little way, bent at the knee, and she spreads them open further, obviously paying no heed to my presence so close.
I can feel myself reacting already; needing more oxygen, stomach tightening, body warming and growing damp between my own legs. I sneak my tongue out over my suddenly dry lips, staring at the hands moving beneath the course wool covering Cara. She has a hand palming her breast as the one between her legs moves up and down slowly, achingly slowly.
Almost as if she’s touching me and not herself my own sex twitches with need, making me curse myself for falling so easily under this spell once again. She turns me into a quivering mess so quickly and it’s not even me she’s pleasuring. I can’t quite understand how or why, but it’s just Cara I suppose. The way she is, the way I want her.
Biting on my lower lip I hear the first moan drift quietly up from Cara and my skin prickles. She’s getting breathless already and I know it won’t be long until her hand quickens and her sounds reach my ears more frequently. Taking a moment to flick my gaze towards Richard and Zedd I thank the Spirits that they’re still very much asleep. When I turn back I see that the blanket covering Cara has shifted a little lower, only just covering her breasts now as she gives in to her pleasure, seemingly oblivious to the fact I might be watching her.
A shuddering sigh assaults my ears and I almost sigh in kind, squeezing my thighs together in the hope I can get through this without doing something stupid or risky. Cara would never let me hear the end of it if she discovered that I’d seen her and enjoyed it. It would make travelling with her extremely awkward, and Creator only knows how Richard would react if she were to tell him. It’s better pretending not to notice that Cara is now on the brink of orgasm, rather than have her realise I’m fully aware of her actions and fully aroused by them.
She’s too far away for me to hear the wet slide of her fingers, but I can imagine it. I can imagine the sound, the sensation, the way it might look; fingers glistening, caressing everywhere she needs them. Swallowing hard my body begs to reach for the heights she’s swiftly taking herself to and I almost fall off the log I’m perched precariously on when the hand at her breast moves down to join the other between her legs. Closing my eyes I attempt to take steady breaths, nostrils flaring and hands grasping the wood beneath me, every inch of me tuned to Cara at this moment.
I know she’s lost to her pleasure and I feel awful for not turning away and leaving her to her privacy, but I can’t move. I can no more move than I can pull the stars from the sky and string them around my neck; she has me captivated and I have to wonder if she’s aware of that or not. Her head tips back, her profile highlighted by the flickering of the fire. Such a striking woman she is, and I know now I’ve never felt this attracted to anybody before in my life. I used to think Richard was perfect, but once Cara came along and I was finally able to see past my anger and distrust I realised there was something about her that I couldn’t ignore. Something even Richard didn’t posses.
She may not be perfect, she may be flawed and so opposite to me it’s almost ridiculous, but she’s turned my head completely. I want to know every inch of her.
Another soft moan drifts up from Cara and I know she’s close; I can tell from her breathing and the way her body is tightening. I see the tip of her tongue glide over her lips and there’s an aching pulse between my thighs that demands attention, though I know I can’t do anything to relieve myself here. That doesn’t stop my body longing, growing wetter where I need to be touched; swollen with need, desperate for something, for fingers to find my release, to fill me the way I know Cara is filling herself now.
I barely bite down on a moan of my own as Cara takes a quivering breath and finally comes, her head back, lips parted, the jerking of her hips obvious in the light of the fire. I tremble with her, almost on the brink of release myself just watching her. Cara’s lips move as she shudders through her release and for a moment I swear I hear my name; my name falling quietly from her mouth as she reaches climax.
The gasp escapes me before I can stop it and I lose my balance on the small log I’ve been clinging to. With a huff and clatter I topple onto the discarded dinner plates by the fire and it’s no surprise that Richard wakes instantly, twisting in his blanket to see what’s wrong, to check for danger.
“What happened?” he asks, rubbing at his eyes.
“I slipped,” I respond, my voice tight and my cheeks blazing red as I attempt to right myself.
“Are you ok?” Richard questions further, his brown eyes tender with concern.
I don’t look over at Cara but she’s said nothing so far and made no indication that she’s about to embarrass me further. Rearranging myself back onto the log, I dust off my knees and keep my gaze firmly glued to the fire.
“I’m fine, just tired I think,” I say, my heart still pounding from both what Cara had just been doing and my own clumsiness.
At the back of my mind I keep hearing how Cara uttered my name as she came. I couldn’t possibly have made it up or imagined it, but I’m confused and concerned and I have no idea what it might mean. She could have been mocking me because she’d realised I was watching her, or it could have just been something that slipped out accidentally. I have no way of knowing for sure.
“Go back to bed, Kahlan,” Richard suggests softly, untangling himself from his blanket. “I’ll keep watch now.”
I open my mouth to tell him there’s no need, but he’s already up and sitting beside me, carefully trying to unrumple his shirt and straighten his mussed hair. It would probably be a better idea to stay sat by him for a while if he insists on staying awake, so I can avoid being close to Cara for as long as possible. But as I finally allow my gaze to wander over to Cara’s bedroll I notice that she’s tucked under her blanket once again. She has settled herself down to sleep, her back to the fire.
“If you’re sure,” I say to Richard, smiling kindly at him.
Though I hadn’t felt particularly tired before, I do now. I also doubt I’d be very reliable watching over camp tonight anyway as I’m too distracted, too caught up in my own thoughts. I know I shouldn’t take advantage of Richard’s kind nature but the desire to lie down and let sleep dull my confusion is too strong to deny. Plus, a small part of me actually wants to be close to Cara, to bask in her warmth and take in her scent as much as I can, even though it’ll be like a form of torture even she’d be proud of me for enduring.
Pulled in two directions by my own mind, the need to gravitate towards Cara wins out and I thank Richard, patting his arm affectionately before rising and making my way over to my bedroll. Cara is much closer to where I’d been sleeping than I could previously tell from over by the fire but I don’t pull my things away, as much as I know I should after initially making a point of putting my bedroll a small distance away from the others. Seeing that her eyes are closed, though she’s facing where I’ll be laying, I pull off my loosely laced boots and strip down to my corset once I’m covered by my blanket.
My shuffling doesn’t seem to disturb her and once again all I can think about is hearing my name; a moan as she touched herself. My stomach flutters at the memory but I blush again, stifled by my own fear and worry. I don’t know if she even noticed that it affected me, or that I heard at all. It seems like she’s falling asleep now without so much as a thought to how I might be feeling or what I might be thinking so I can only assumes she doesn’t realise I heard. Or maybe she just doesn’t care.
For a moment I feel angry at Cara, but then I turn to face her as we lay side by side and I’m instantly caught in her gaze as she watches me sleepily, her eyes hooded as she regards me from her pillow.
I can’t pull my eyes away from hers and I see more of her than I ever have. I see her strength and her courage, but mostly I see a vulnerability that surprises me. Cara’s lips quirk up into a quick smile but before I can smile back or frown in my confusion she closes her eyes once again and I’m left gazing at her relaxed face with a thousand questions I know I can’t ask.
She’s turning me inside out and I don’t even know if she knows it.
By morning I’m still reeling from what happened that night, watching Cara as she makes her way around camp packing things away as Richard prepares the horses and Zedd arranges a small breakfast. I haven’t spoken more than a few words to anybody and I know Richard is worried about me; he keeps glancing my way, giving me a look that resembles a small wounded puppy. I feel bad for not speaking with him but right now I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to get past all the things in my head or the heavy thud of my heart as I contemplate what’s happening to me.
I find myself glancing from Richard to Cara and back again, baffled at the way I’ve changed, the way I see them both now - so different to just a month ago. There’s no doubt Richard is very dear to me but Cara . . . she makes something inside me bubble and burn and yearn to be close to her. Sometimes I see a sadness to her eyes that makes my chest ache in a way that’s familiar yet completely alien to me. I can’t explain how I feel, I just know that I do.
For her I’m feeling everything, all at once and in a rush that has tugged me along in its tumbling current. As much as I might want to cling to something solid to keep me steady - to Richard - I know it’s useless to fight. Useless but completely necessary.
I will fight. I can’t allow myself to fall in love with this woman.
“Richard,” I say softly, moving up beside him near the horses. “Can I speak with you?”
He frowns a little at first but then nods his head, his brown eyes letting me in to see every part of him.
I stop us by a large tree not too far from our camp but far enough that prying eyes or eager ears won’t participate in what I have to say. Richard smiles at me, his hair beginning to tumble into his eyes as he waits patiently for me to explain myself. Raising my hand to his cheek I give him a smile I hope is genuine, full of promise and love.
“I just wanted to apologise for . . . for my bad mood lately,” I tell him, beginning to feel that ache in my chest that I must ignore. “I was feeling a little out of sorts.”
“It’s ok,” he tells me, full of adoration and forgiveness. “There’s no need to . . .”
“There is,” I insist, knowing I’m apologising for much more than just my temperament.
I seal my fate by placing a tender kiss on his lips. I don’t linger as long as I would have in the past but the smile on Richard’s face is wider now, more certain of my love for him.
His hands cup my face and for a moment I feel a little trapped, but I know he’s done this countless times before and I’ve only ever responded willingly so I don’t move away. Richard kisses me this time, moving against my mouth in a way that insists on more than I want to give, but I try. I try for him.
We’re interrupted by the snapping of a twig and we both turn quickly to see Cara as she stands no more than a few paces away. Instantly I see the sadness to her eyes that pricks at my chest but before I can dwell on it her face has changed, hardened. There’s a smirk teasing at her lips and I know - somehow I know - she’s trying to hide behind it.
“I’m on my way to fill the water bottles,” she explains, voice almost cutting in its sharpness. “Once you’re done canoodling like teenagers we should make our way back to the road.”
My gaze falls to the ground and I feel a sudden horror that she’d seen Richard and I kissing. I know she’s seen it before, plenty of times, but right now it feels wrong that she saw us, and wrong that I can’t tell her it didn’t mean what she might think it means.
There’s an acidic taste at the back of my throat and I step away from Richard more abruptly than I could possibly explain, so I don’t, I just give them both another quick glance before nodding to Cara and making my way back to camp. I can’t speak for fear I’d say something that might give either one of them cause for concern, so I keep my thoughts to myself. I already know Richard must be a little perplexed, and no doubt Cara took a moment to roll her eyes before heading to the stream nearby, but it’s best if I avoid being in situations that involve them both, that involves the harsh prick of my guilt and my shame.
When Richard returns he’s once again looking at me like a wounded puppy and I know I’ll have to take time later to set his mind at ease, maybe allow him to hold me the way he likes when we take a walk alone. Let him kiss me and believe that nothing is as strong as the love we share.
I used to think that was true, but now I know love can be fleeting. Maybe what I felt for Richard was no more than wonder, the excitement of something new, something that was mine. Finally I had my seeker and he loved me, wanted me. It lifted me and kept me on its wings for the longest time, but my feet are back on the ground now and I’m no longer waiting for his every glance. I wait for Cara’s.
Once we get moving, leading the horses to the road before mounting them and making our way as the compass instructs, the mood of our party lifts. Zedd is chattering away, trying to get Cara to join in with his conversation with Richard, and though Cara is obviously reluctant she doesn’t cut them short with a sharp remark or a barely concealed yawn as is usual. I watch from behind as I follow them slowly on my horse. Richard will have a sore neck by nightfall with all the twisting he’s doing trying to catch my eye as he looks back to me from his tall steed. Cara has only glanced back once, her eyes finding mine without difficulty; the set of her jaw giving nothing away, the green of her eyes making me shudder.
I don’t look away from her as I have been doing with Richard as subtly as possible, but her gaze doesn’t linger too long. She turns back to face the front of her horse and digs her heels into his side to send him a little ahead of both Zedd and Richard. I guess she’s done with their conversation, and though I know it’s wrong of me I feel the further distance more than I should. I feel suddenly colder, more sullen; bereft as I realise I won’t be able to keep my eyes on her as easily as I have been doing over the past few hours.
Instantly I miss the flow of her blonde hair over her shoulder and the slight roll of her hips as she moves with her mount. Watching her so closely had only confirmed what I knew I was feeling and I had been finding it difficult to look away, so maybe it’s a good thing that Zedd and Richard are now obscuring my view. At least now I can think without the distraction of her alluring back and that soft, silken hair that I just know would feel wonderful brushing against my skin.
But thinking doesn’t seem to help, only plunge me deeper into my own despair. There are so many reasons for me not be close to Cara; her being Mord-Sith a major one. As a Confessor I shouldn’t even be daring to think I could be with her as even just a friend; we’re opposites in everything we are, in everything we do. She was made to hate Confessors, to hate me. I was trained to fear her, to protect myself and others from her and her kind.
Neither of us hate each other, however, and we no longer look at each other with the limits of what we are. At least, I don’t look at her that way, I can’t be sure if she still harbours those longstanding judgments. I think she trusts me, as I trust her now. We haven’t really talked about it.
“We’ll stop for lunch soon,” Richard says, much closer to me than I’d thought he was.
He must have slowed his horse so I would catch up with him. His eyes are on me, a hesitant smile making him look even younger than he is.
“There’s a small town ahead I think,” he continues, mostly speaking to me it seems, though Zedd is listening too. Cara is too far ahead now to be included in the conversation. “We can stop there and get some supplies.”
I nod and offer him a smile. There’s worry in his eyes, on his face, and he’s doing his best not to show it, but a Confessor knows and I can see right through him. I’m suddenly glad he doesn’t have that ability, but how am I supposed to convince him that I still want to be with him when I can’t even convince myself?
This thing has been tugging at me for weeks now and no matter how much I bat it away it comes back stronger. I don’t know if it’s right for me to do my best to be faithful to him and his love, or if it would be better to gently let him know that we aren’t going to be what he so hopes we will be. I’m aware it would be kinder not to keep up a ruse and to tell him I no longer love him the way I did or the way he deserves, but he’d want to know why and I don’t think I’m ready to admit to why. It would hurt him and confuse him and right now we need to focus on our quest, not on my disorderly feelings.
As we round the bend the town comes into view, set behind its walls at the bottom of the hill we’re meandering down. It’s small but I can already see one street dedicated to traders, stalls, small shops selling their wares. We were running low on quite a few things so this stop is a good idea, and a nice meal sat on a comfy chair might help just a little to alleviate my introspective mood. Hurrying my horse a bit faster I give Richard a genuine smile this time and tell him it was a good idea. He beams at me, sitting a fraction taller in his saddle.
I notice Cara waiting for us up ahead and I smile wider without thinking, catching her eyes with mine and holding them longer than necessary. She doesn’t turn away but when she does her gaze lands on Richard as he rides beside me, a little squint to her eyes making me wonder what she just thought, or felt. It almost looks like she’s biting her tongue but then once again she turns from us and continues down the road.
“We’re stopping at the town, Cara,” Richard shouts.
Cara lifts a hand to show she heard him and takes the road to the left as it splits, heading towards the town gates. Once again I’m watching her, regarding the tension in her back and the way she holds her horse steady as two guards come out to greet us.
Their eyes are wide, a mix of fear, distrust and agitation making them jittery and quick to grab for their weapons.
“Halt!” The larger of the two calls. “We don’t allow your kind here.”
He’s clearly speaking to Cara though Cara hardly acknowledges his existence, gently patting her horse’s neck and appearing bored already of his protestations.
“She’s with us,” I say before Richard has the chance.
I ease my horse next to Cara’s and look down on the guards with an air of authority I’d been taught many years ago.
“I apologise, Mother Confessor,” the large guard says, bowing his head in deference, “but we can’t let her in. It’s the law of this town.”
He looks to have a bad taste in his mouth and I feel a surge of anger. If only he knew what we know about this woman, about Cara. She may be Mord-Sith but I’ve seen good in her. I know that it’s inside and she proves it every time she not only places herself in danger for Richard but for both Zedd and I. She may have been a tool, a weapon for Darken Rahl, but her actions aren’t those of a monster. Not anymore.
I’m about to plead her case and tell this over-sized brute exactly what I think of his insistence that she doesn’t enter, but Cara tugs on the reins of her horse and turns him around so she’s looking over her shoulder at the guards, a slight sneer hardening her face.
“I’d rather stay outside anyway,” she says gruffly. “There’s a strange aroma coming from your town. In fact it smells a little like pig . . .”
“Cara!” I admonish as subtly as I can. “I’m sure if we ask nicely these fine gentlemen might . . .”
“Don’t bother,” Cara interrupts, glaring at me. “I don’t need to see their town that badly. I’ll wait on the rise up ahead.”
Before I can stop her she’s already moving away from us, her horse traipsing back up the road towards a small grassy hill overlooking the town.
I turn to Richard, giving him a look that clearly indicates I’d like him to go and change Cara’s mind, but he just shrugs at me as if he’s incapable of such a thing. He probably is, but it would have been nice of him to try. With a sigh I shake my head, glowering at the guards in a silent promise to make them pay for this transgression. I could of course order them to allow us all through their gates, but Cara is already quite a way up the hill and I really have no intention of starting a fight or causing problems that will only slow us down.
The hope of a meal and a soft chair slips through my grasp and I turn my own horse around.
“You two go in and get our supplies, I’ll catch up with Cara,” I say, leaving no room for argument even though I see the bemused look on Richard’s face. “And make sure you bring some food for us when you leave.”
My stomach growls and I do my best to hide the slight blush I know is probably reddening my cheeks.
“No, wait, Kahlan,” Richard implores before I get far. “You go in with Zedd, I’ll stay with Cara.”
For a moment I almost tell him that that’s a better idea - a large part of me worried about spending time alone with Cara. But I shake my head and give him a reassuring smile - the other part of me actually wanting to spend time alone with Cara, no matter how brief.
“No, go ahead,” I tell him. “You have most of the packs on your horse anyway. It’s easier this way.”
I hope my slight excuse works and it seems as though it has as he nods in acceptance, though he seems rather forlorn now.
“Be careful,” he says, his eyebrows knitting together almost comically.
“We’ll be fine, Richard,” I say. “Now go on before all the stalls close for the day.”
Taking pity on him I give him a smile that brightens his eyes before I flick on my reins and head the way Cara went. He really is a sweet man, but the woman ahead already has my gaze trained to her rear as she ascends the small hill with its tumble of rocks and scattering of trees. She may not be sweet and gentle like Richard but my stomach flutters as I watch her, and my heart drums in my chest, warning me that I’m not as in control of what it feels as I want to be.
Suddenly, I regret my decision to be alone with her.
Part Three
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