(no subject)
I'm feeling good at this point in my transition. My body has happily accepted my surgery, meaning I'm healing really well, and I feel so happy about my chest now. I just got out of my hip hop class at the YMCA on Embarcaderro, and I'm all sweat, glorious sweat. This class was one of the first things I looked forward to after my chest surgery. Dancing in this new body and making it my own. Freely popping my chest with bravado and attitude. Full on Charleston Chu body roll with no binder or breasts in the way. I'm just so happy now with the way I can express myself with dance. This class is the hour of day I look forward to. And the goal is to get more and more comfortable with this type of class, dance environment, quick choreoghraphy, and confidence so I can try out for Freeplay next time they audition.
Now the rest of the gym is a whole different beast. The locker room, oi, it's getting better. I was getting stared down at first, guys doing double takes. A mix of new guy at the gym, is this guy really a guy?, and who knows what because they never actually say anything. And I feel out of place even though I know I belong there. Most of the guys shower and they're around me naked, or wrapped in a towel. I don't even dare look, seriously I haven't seen anybodies anything once. But it's there and a knowing that they have what I don't, and that they wouldn't accept what I have, puts me in a shell, I just get changed and get out of there.
But I wish there was a space for be naked, to shower and change, a place for my trans body. I just hate that the gym is so binary. I'm comfortable with my trans body, in private, with lovers, but the staight world isn't, and while I may want to get lower surgery later in life, right now that's not an option, so I just have to learn to function half way in this male world, and not be saddened or upset or angry or feel that I'm not a whole person. I have to remember not to compare myself to this binary world, that I exist more on the gender spectrum. I'm the best man I can be. Whole, honest, loving, strong, and a great dancer.
Now the rest of the gym is a whole different beast. The locker room, oi, it's getting better. I was getting stared down at first, guys doing double takes. A mix of new guy at the gym, is this guy really a guy?, and who knows what because they never actually say anything. And I feel out of place even though I know I belong there. Most of the guys shower and they're around me naked, or wrapped in a towel. I don't even dare look, seriously I haven't seen anybodies anything once. But it's there and a knowing that they have what I don't, and that they wouldn't accept what I have, puts me in a shell, I just get changed and get out of there.
But I wish there was a space for be naked, to shower and change, a place for my trans body. I just hate that the gym is so binary. I'm comfortable with my trans body, in private, with lovers, but the staight world isn't, and while I may want to get lower surgery later in life, right now that's not an option, so I just have to learn to function half way in this male world, and not be saddened or upset or angry or feel that I'm not a whole person. I have to remember not to compare myself to this binary world, that I exist more on the gender spectrum. I'm the best man I can be. Whole, honest, loving, strong, and a great dancer.