Odd is the mind
Without cause, reason, or the slightest provocation I have been severely depressed the last two days. I was actually in tears over something so minor I cannot now remember it. Last night I got some theraputic time at Jonathan's. Jonathan is too self-righteous to care, and Anna's a bit too asininely tempered. But Daniel was in a bad mood too, so we enjoyed pretending to blow things up with Risk canons and setting up all our armies and then wiping out eachothers or pretending to chuck dice at anna. Today, when things were again heading down the supremely low direction, I just kept myself busy enough working Natalie and then mucking and cleaning for Jen that I couldn't stagnate enough to slip back down. But it is very strange. I am spending the evening with my family because my mother and I are heading out to New England for a week on saturday, and my father wanted to spend time with me before we go. That means that it's going to be hard to keep from slipping back. The weirdest thing is that I have no idea why I'm so low. I finished reading One Flew Over the Cookoo's Nest two nights ago, and granted, it's a sad book. But books have never made me this depressed. Particularly on a subconcious level. It's like I'm being overwhelmed with feeling's of inadequacy and unwanted to the point of almost hated, but I have no idea what I'm trying to be adequate for or what/who doesn't want and almost hates me. And I feel guilty because I seem to be taking most of it out, atleast mentally, on Kate, who, I'm sure, at this stage in the relationship hardly needs that from me. I was doing so well this summer, having fun, getting into trouble, being productive, and then my brain is like, alright, time to revert to being 13 again. Wtf brain? Why do you do this to me? So yeah. I really need a lot of distractions because letting myself alone has become scary.