My Deepest Days.
Iv had enough of the world and it's people's mindless games. Iv grown tired of this place and salvation comes only in the irridate refuge of sleep. Iv come to the point where I only want to be awake and unafraid, asleep or dead.
I have a confession to make, im no fool but I don't have an alibis for where Iv been for the past two years. I don't want anyone to help me figure out where I was or where I am going though, because even though I am dying I can figure it out on my own.
Today I come face to face with myself and realized that I am not listening to my inner voices, which are trying to tell me how to save my life. But I can scarcely hear them through the strings of words coming at me from every direction.
Right now my bedroom holds my deepest days. I wish it was a Golden Age, but instead it's a Glowing Rage that was made up from me trying to be the big 'I' word. Independent. But unless you are vibrant, outgoing, organized person, independency doesn't work out that well.
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Iv seen enough now to know that beautiful things don't always stay that way. but sometimes they aren't beautiful to begin with, like me. My daddy told me so, and I am meek in my ways so I'll just keep quite. A spineless girl cant run, she can only cry and wonder if blood is actually thicker than water. But if he hears me cry he'll choke me, so I'll just lock up my spirit. Don't ask me if im ok, just help me please. And come stay the night because I am only safe in the silence of sleep. And I need someone with me there because my mother can't sing to me or keep me warm on work nights. I asked God to sing me goodnight, but he said he had to answer the prayers of the pretty girl across the street. Then he let go of my hand and told me to take my pills. My father wont cry for the little girl he killed inside of me. No one will cry for the little girl as she sings herself to sleep. whispering the words so father wont come down and yell between the lines.
"hush little baby don't say a word…"
"you better better shut up before I come in there"
"momma's gonna buy you a mocking bird,
and if that mocking bird wont sing…"
"why did you turn out to be suck an ugly, disrespectful little girl?"
"momma'a gonna buy you…"
"I wish I never had kids"
"a diamond ring."
Up until a year ago there where only two things that frightened me, but now my daddy tops off the list. I heard his voice on ever frequency. I plan my life around his absence. We're both playing an evil game of hide and seek, except instead of finding him I have to avoid him by all means. but I might actually deserve to be treated this way because sometimes I forget that blinking and breathing are sinful.