(no subject)
a real update? perhaps a fantasy, a dream left untold.
i met the girl of my dreams today. we walked and talked and stopped to pose randomly for pictures on the street and just complained of the chill that seemed to be haunting the air. we got take out and sat at the park and she told me how weird i was and i told her i liked her smile. we held hands, played on the monkey bars and watched the sun go down. it was nice. sadly though, later on she’ll learn that she has problems trusting me through the ever resounding words of others and we’ll become strangers that talk out of habit instead of out of want and that once felt love that could have been more than just a sweet dream.
you want a real update.
okay.
i woke up in a funk a few weeks ago and haven’t quite been able to shake out of it. i quit my job. took everything on my desk, packed it in my bag, sent an email signed with my name and a formal apology. i walked out. no sign of quitting, just the every day hi and hope you have a nice day. it was refreshing and somehow, through the tears i kept smiling and laughing like a mad woman on the 10 o’clock news. though now i realize that i have left my only coffee cup that fits my pot there. i scowl but i’ll get it back. i’m not worried about that.
this is fact not fiction.
for the first time in years i don’t think i could feel any less alone and when i reach for the phone, i pause, and stop and realize that there is no one i’m going to call. it’s not that i don’t have anyone i can call. just no one i feel deserves to hear me drone on about how much i hate life, and how sad i feel today. pointless rambling really. i get so blank sometimes. so out of it that i don’t know if i’m real or not anymore. i realize that i must be or i wouldn’t be sitting here. nor would i feel pain or even the random glint of joy that comes and goes with the passing sun. i’m hopeless.
even romantic sometimes.
i have death cab for cutie on repeat and that, that is where i stop.