Spider-man Makes No Sense
So I was thinking on my way to work today about what comic book character I would like to write, if Marvel or DC gave me the chance. And my immediate impulse was to say Spider-man, since he is one of my favorite superheroes. But as I got to thinking about Spider-man as a character in a coherent, logical story, the more problems I discovered. Until finally I got to the point where I'd realized that, quite honestly, Spider-man's entire mythology and “story” makes no sense. It is incoherent both from a characterizing and an overall story perspective.
Origin: Spider-man's entire origin relies exclusively upon increasingly contrived outright coincidences, and his one “action” as a character is really a throwaway action designed to make the “story” feel less heavy-handed. First of all, his powers are given to him not through any virtue of his own, but by pure random chance; this isn't bad by itself, and can make for an interesting origin. But the actual moment of the birth of a superhero is just more happen-sense: a robber that Spider-man elects not to attempt to apprehend (which, while not necessarily the nicest thing he could have done, is a legal action and the one most police would prefer from random bystanders) just happens to wander off and then murder Spider-man's uncle. This would be a great tragedy if these two events were even remotely connected, but they aren't. Robbert just happens to want to shot somebody and it just happens to be Spider-man's uncle; the robber had no way of knowing the connection, and it seems very improbable.
This might even be forgivable if Uncle Ben's death had more emotional resonance with the reader, and with a logical response from the character. From a storytelling perspective, Uncle Ben is Spider-man's father just in a different name. So essentially Spider-man's father is killed through no fault of his own, in a senseless act of violence, but off camera. We naturally feel bad for Spider-man for his loss, and sympathize with his desire to bring the killer to justice...which happens by the end of the first issue. Its what happens next that doesn't make any real sense: why does Spider-man's guilt about not stopping a particular robber who would shortly afterwards just happen to kill his uncle transform into a virtual crusade against crime? “With great power comes great responsibility” is a nice motto, but it doesn't explain this transformation.
This is in stark contrast to the paragon of superhero origin pathos: Batman. A ten-year old boy has his parents coldly murdered during a random burglary right before his eyes is scarring; a person can almost believe that it would be damaging enough to send the child on a lifelong quest of vengeance, culminating in wearing a ridiculous bat-costume and kick-boxing criminals in the face, seeking solace for his loss. With this single act tying all of Batman's origin elements together, it makes Spider-man's seem weak and rather pathetic by comparison.
War On Crime: Which brings us right to the next topic, which is Spider-man's war on crime. Now, I'm not considering super villains here, that's next; I'm just talking about the realistic criminals, gangsters, drug dealers, corrupt cops and politicians, and white collar criminals that actually exist in our world. Nothing about Spider-man makes him suited for the task of actually battling crime. His Spider Powers may make him strong and fast and he can stick to walls, but none of that is really that helpful when battling a horde of skittish, gun toting thugs. He has no real investigative capabilities and spends his free time just aimlessly wandering New York hoping to just happen upon a crime in progress. And then, once he finds a would-be mugger, what does he do? He beats the snot out of them and leaves them for police, who probably have no cause to arrest him and now want to arrest Spider-man for assault and battery (not mention wearing a mask in public and outright vigilantism).
I can't imagine this strategy is really that effective at preventing or minimizing crime. He isn't actually fixing any of the social problems that cause crime, and his efforts are undoubtedly too haphazard to have any tangible effect. Not to mention the fact that he wears a bright blue and red outfit, all while “swinging” (I won't get into the illogical science of this particular mode of transportation) out in the open where everyone can see him. I'm sure that after he beat up some gang leader's cousin when the guy was dealing cocaine on the streets, Spider-man would be shot dead while patrolling the streets by some gang hit-man. Of all of his powers, Spider-man is just as vulnerable to bullets as anyone else; heck, he doesn't even bother with a bulletproof vest.
Frankly, if Spider-man just became a world-famous athlete with his Spider Powers or made a fortune by patenting his apparently irreproducible “web fluid,” and then invested most of his fortune into cleaning up the down, he'd probably do a much better job about creating real social change.
Super Villains: Spider-man has the second most recognized rogues gallery of any superhero, but nothing about him or any of them make the situation such that Spider-man is uniquely suited to battling them. All of Spider-man's most recognizable and beloved villains are thematically linked to him in some way: most are animal themed, but the Goblins connect through a Halloween theme (spiders, goblins, and pumpkins are all elements of Halloween). But, unfortunately Spider-man's combative powers are fairly bland (it is his non-combat powers that are unique, such as his ability to stick to walls or make webs...but again, they are rarely helpful in a fight against a super villain), so his villains aren't usually that immense of threats. This leads to the obvious problem, in that the local police would probably be just as effective - indeed, probably better just because there are more of them, they are better equipped, have much more extensive training, and are immediately called to the scene of the crime - against them.
Take Doctor Octopus, for example. Yeah, he's got these four extra metal arms and he's supposed to a criminal genius, but the police could easily take him down with a simple burst from an automatic rifle or a head-shot from a well-placed sniper. Nothing about Spider-man's powers makes him better able to negate Doc Ock then a simple handgun. And then with villains that can't be defeated by firearms, they are also immune to Spider-man too: Sand-man had to be defeated by throwing water on him, which is definitely a solution that people without Spider Powers could have come up with.
If you've read this far (and you must either be bored, filled with self-loathing, or love/hate Spider-man), you might think that this means I think all of Spider-man's mythology is bad. This isn't so! The one thing that Stan Lee got right was Spider-man's supporting cast. While it is basically an edger and (then) updated version of Superman's supporting cast, they are far more interesting. Sadly, this cast tends to get sidelined far too often in the stories and play far too small a role in shaping the character of Spider-man.
If I were to write a Spider-man comic, I'd have to write it one of two ways:
Marvel-Team Up - Spider-man: This comic would have to be zany, slightly slapstick, fun, and slightly outrageous. It would have Spider-man team up with another Marvel hero for a story, where they inhabit a logically inconsistent and incoherent world. There would be no real continuity and problems from previous stories would be forgotten and magically “fixed” by the next one (in the same way as the Simpson's often are). In this version, Spider-man would be the plucky Every-man whose powers are extremely varied but distinctly average. This would allow him to be smart enough to keep up with Reed Richards (but not be as smart), strong enough to keep up with the Hulk or Thor (but not be as strong), skilled enough to keep up with Wolverine or Captain America (but not be as skilled), and so forth.
Spider-man - Noir: This comic would be grim, dark, and cruel. I'd have New York City be at Gotham City levels of corruption, with Wilson Fisk as the mayor and Norman Osborn being basically Lex Luthor (in both incarnations of mastermind and scientific genius). I'd have Aunt May and Uncle Ben being political activists who are seeking to clean up the city, while Peter is silently condemning of their activities and just wants to be left alone to his science. Then Uncle Ben would be assassinated by one of Fisk's men as a warning to the rest of the group, which would somehow tie into Peter's acquisition of Spider Powers. Spider-man's quest would be a quest of revenge against not only the killer, but the entire system to took his Uncle. He'd become a photojournalist to use his Spider Powers to get evidence of the widespread crime and corruption and publish the stories under the pseudonym Ben Ulrich at the Daily Bugle, the last uncorrupted paper in the city, thanks to the tenacity and bullishness of J. Jonah Jameson.
So those are my thoughts on the matter. In all honestly, most comic books don't worry about this level of storytelling integrity, realizing that the audience is preconditioned to accept most of the genre's tropes without question. Nobody wonders why Spider-man keeps fighting his fight, long after it should have lost its emotional weight and once he realized that he's not really helping matters at all (he's not, otherwise there wouldn't be more super villains or criminals to fight in next issue). Nobody wonders why his enemies haven't shot him dead yet, or why more super villains don't carry simple firearms (Vulture really needs one). They say it defeats the fun of comics. I say that this is a defeatist attitude, one of staunch and destructive conservatism, and the reason why the comic book industry is in the sad, sorry shape that it's been in for long before our current national economic misfortune. People love to read good stories, with engaging characters, and it is the failure to really provide them that keeps people always.
But that's just my opinion.
Origin: Spider-man's entire origin relies exclusively upon increasingly contrived outright coincidences, and his one “action” as a character is really a throwaway action designed to make the “story” feel less heavy-handed. First of all, his powers are given to him not through any virtue of his own, but by pure random chance; this isn't bad by itself, and can make for an interesting origin. But the actual moment of the birth of a superhero is just more happen-sense: a robber that Spider-man elects not to attempt to apprehend (which, while not necessarily the nicest thing he could have done, is a legal action and the one most police would prefer from random bystanders) just happens to wander off and then murder Spider-man's uncle. This would be a great tragedy if these two events were even remotely connected, but they aren't. Robbert just happens to want to shot somebody and it just happens to be Spider-man's uncle; the robber had no way of knowing the connection, and it seems very improbable.
This might even be forgivable if Uncle Ben's death had more emotional resonance with the reader, and with a logical response from the character. From a storytelling perspective, Uncle Ben is Spider-man's father just in a different name. So essentially Spider-man's father is killed through no fault of his own, in a senseless act of violence, but off camera. We naturally feel bad for Spider-man for his loss, and sympathize with his desire to bring the killer to justice...which happens by the end of the first issue. Its what happens next that doesn't make any real sense: why does Spider-man's guilt about not stopping a particular robber who would shortly afterwards just happen to kill his uncle transform into a virtual crusade against crime? “With great power comes great responsibility” is a nice motto, but it doesn't explain this transformation.
This is in stark contrast to the paragon of superhero origin pathos: Batman. A ten-year old boy has his parents coldly murdered during a random burglary right before his eyes is scarring; a person can almost believe that it would be damaging enough to send the child on a lifelong quest of vengeance, culminating in wearing a ridiculous bat-costume and kick-boxing criminals in the face, seeking solace for his loss. With this single act tying all of Batman's origin elements together, it makes Spider-man's seem weak and rather pathetic by comparison.
War On Crime: Which brings us right to the next topic, which is Spider-man's war on crime. Now, I'm not considering super villains here, that's next; I'm just talking about the realistic criminals, gangsters, drug dealers, corrupt cops and politicians, and white collar criminals that actually exist in our world. Nothing about Spider-man makes him suited for the task of actually battling crime. His Spider Powers may make him strong and fast and he can stick to walls, but none of that is really that helpful when battling a horde of skittish, gun toting thugs. He has no real investigative capabilities and spends his free time just aimlessly wandering New York hoping to just happen upon a crime in progress. And then, once he finds a would-be mugger, what does he do? He beats the snot out of them and leaves them for police, who probably have no cause to arrest him and now want to arrest Spider-man for assault and battery (not mention wearing a mask in public and outright vigilantism).
I can't imagine this strategy is really that effective at preventing or minimizing crime. He isn't actually fixing any of the social problems that cause crime, and his efforts are undoubtedly too haphazard to have any tangible effect. Not to mention the fact that he wears a bright blue and red outfit, all while “swinging” (I won't get into the illogical science of this particular mode of transportation) out in the open where everyone can see him. I'm sure that after he beat up some gang leader's cousin when the guy was dealing cocaine on the streets, Spider-man would be shot dead while patrolling the streets by some gang hit-man. Of all of his powers, Spider-man is just as vulnerable to bullets as anyone else; heck, he doesn't even bother with a bulletproof vest.
Frankly, if Spider-man just became a world-famous athlete with his Spider Powers or made a fortune by patenting his apparently irreproducible “web fluid,” and then invested most of his fortune into cleaning up the down, he'd probably do a much better job about creating real social change.
Super Villains: Spider-man has the second most recognized rogues gallery of any superhero, but nothing about him or any of them make the situation such that Spider-man is uniquely suited to battling them. All of Spider-man's most recognizable and beloved villains are thematically linked to him in some way: most are animal themed, but the Goblins connect through a Halloween theme (spiders, goblins, and pumpkins are all elements of Halloween). But, unfortunately Spider-man's combative powers are fairly bland (it is his non-combat powers that are unique, such as his ability to stick to walls or make webs...but again, they are rarely helpful in a fight against a super villain), so his villains aren't usually that immense of threats. This leads to the obvious problem, in that the local police would probably be just as effective - indeed, probably better just because there are more of them, they are better equipped, have much more extensive training, and are immediately called to the scene of the crime - against them.
Take Doctor Octopus, for example. Yeah, he's got these four extra metal arms and he's supposed to a criminal genius, but the police could easily take him down with a simple burst from an automatic rifle or a head-shot from a well-placed sniper. Nothing about Spider-man's powers makes him better able to negate Doc Ock then a simple handgun. And then with villains that can't be defeated by firearms, they are also immune to Spider-man too: Sand-man had to be defeated by throwing water on him, which is definitely a solution that people without Spider Powers could have come up with.
If you've read this far (and you must either be bored, filled with self-loathing, or love/hate Spider-man), you might think that this means I think all of Spider-man's mythology is bad. This isn't so! The one thing that Stan Lee got right was Spider-man's supporting cast. While it is basically an edger and (then) updated version of Superman's supporting cast, they are far more interesting. Sadly, this cast tends to get sidelined far too often in the stories and play far too small a role in shaping the character of Spider-man.
If I were to write a Spider-man comic, I'd have to write it one of two ways:
Marvel-Team Up - Spider-man: This comic would have to be zany, slightly slapstick, fun, and slightly outrageous. It would have Spider-man team up with another Marvel hero for a story, where they inhabit a logically inconsistent and incoherent world. There would be no real continuity and problems from previous stories would be forgotten and magically “fixed” by the next one (in the same way as the Simpson's often are). In this version, Spider-man would be the plucky Every-man whose powers are extremely varied but distinctly average. This would allow him to be smart enough to keep up with Reed Richards (but not be as smart), strong enough to keep up with the Hulk or Thor (but not be as strong), skilled enough to keep up with Wolverine or Captain America (but not be as skilled), and so forth.
Spider-man - Noir: This comic would be grim, dark, and cruel. I'd have New York City be at Gotham City levels of corruption, with Wilson Fisk as the mayor and Norman Osborn being basically Lex Luthor (in both incarnations of mastermind and scientific genius). I'd have Aunt May and Uncle Ben being political activists who are seeking to clean up the city, while Peter is silently condemning of their activities and just wants to be left alone to his science. Then Uncle Ben would be assassinated by one of Fisk's men as a warning to the rest of the group, which would somehow tie into Peter's acquisition of Spider Powers. Spider-man's quest would be a quest of revenge against not only the killer, but the entire system to took his Uncle. He'd become a photojournalist to use his Spider Powers to get evidence of the widespread crime and corruption and publish the stories under the pseudonym Ben Ulrich at the Daily Bugle, the last uncorrupted paper in the city, thanks to the tenacity and bullishness of J. Jonah Jameson.
So those are my thoughts on the matter. In all honestly, most comic books don't worry about this level of storytelling integrity, realizing that the audience is preconditioned to accept most of the genre's tropes without question. Nobody wonders why Spider-man keeps fighting his fight, long after it should have lost its emotional weight and once he realized that he's not really helping matters at all (he's not, otherwise there wouldn't be more super villains or criminals to fight in next issue). Nobody wonders why his enemies haven't shot him dead yet, or why more super villains don't carry simple firearms (Vulture really needs one). They say it defeats the fun of comics. I say that this is a defeatist attitude, one of staunch and destructive conservatism, and the reason why the comic book industry is in the sad, sorry shape that it's been in for long before our current national economic misfortune. People love to read good stories, with engaging characters, and it is the failure to really provide them that keeps people always.
But that's just my opinion.