(no subject)
I don't know where to begin.
A few weeks ago I was ready to move out, to give up. I didn't because we talked and I really want to work things out. The only reason (save sheer laziness) I decided not to move was because of you. Because you told me you started crying thinking about me not being here anymore. Because I can't see my life without you in it. One thing I want you never to forget is that I LOVE YOU. I am committed to you whether you know it or not. Yes, part of me still wants to move. I just don't know yet if it's running away or walking away. Time will have to tell with that. I don't think that I'm the perfect roommate or girlfriend. In fact, I think that I make a rather deplorable one at each. But I am trying to improve. And while I do want to communicate with you more like you asked me to, there's only so far I can go. I made you a promise that I intend on keeping, but if you still don't feel as though you can trust me then I will understand. I just need you to tell me that. That's what communication is: telling someone what you're feeling and fearing. I know I haven't brought everything to you in the past, I'm not asking you to use me as an example for I know I am not a model for this. I think we both need to learn together and be more open with each other. It's the strangest thing, with anyone else, I can tell them exactly what I'm thinking without a second thought. But with you it's different. Do you remember that night when we were packing up the remainder of my things from the apartment in Fairfax and I told you I was afraid of you becoming "bored" (wrong word, I know, I've since found the right one) with me and kicking me out? Lately I've been feeling more and more apprehensive that you'll just give up on the idea of "us". In one of the responses to a comment on the letter you wrote for me on LJ a few weeks ago, you said that "Part of [you] just wants to get it over with." Now, I don't know what that's referencing, but if it's in regard to me moving out (whether it be by you asking me to leave or by me leaving on my own), please if you want/need me to leave, just ask me to do it. Get it over with. I hate feeling like we're in some sort of limbo. I can't tell what you're thinking/feeling anymore. All I get from you is a blank brick wall spattered with anger, frustration, and withdrawal. Again, if you're pulling away from me, just tell me you need some time and space. I'll do my best to understand. I know V was trying to help by talking with me about it, but to be perfectly honest, I need to hear it from you. I think that I'm most afraid of your rejection, of you not wanting me in your life anymore. I went upstairs that night and cried myself to sleep . And I'm not telling you this to hurt you, I just can't end up in this place mentally again. This constant feeling of apprehension and "am I good enough?"... I don't want to feel like I'm your kid and I'm going to disappoint you. And lately, that's how I've been feeling. It's not healthy. That's the justification I can find for moving, anyway. I don't think that me living here is beneficial to the three of us growing in our relationship. Maybe I'm wrong. I really don't know at this point. I had a thought and now it's gone. I hate DayQuil. I hate that I'm crying right now just thinking about this. I hate that I feel like I'm losing you and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.
A few weeks ago I was ready to move out, to give up. I didn't because we talked and I really want to work things out. The only reason (save sheer laziness) I decided not to move was because of you. Because you told me you started crying thinking about me not being here anymore. Because I can't see my life without you in it. One thing I want you never to forget is that I LOVE YOU. I am committed to you whether you know it or not. Yes, part of me still wants to move. I just don't know yet if it's running away or walking away. Time will have to tell with that. I don't think that I'm the perfect roommate or girlfriend. In fact, I think that I make a rather deplorable one at each. But I am trying to improve. And while I do want to communicate with you more like you asked me to, there's only so far I can go. I made you a promise that I intend on keeping, but if you still don't feel as though you can trust me then I will understand. I just need you to tell me that. That's what communication is: telling someone what you're feeling and fearing. I know I haven't brought everything to you in the past, I'm not asking you to use me as an example for I know I am not a model for this. I think we both need to learn together and be more open with each other. It's the strangest thing, with anyone else, I can tell them exactly what I'm thinking without a second thought. But with you it's different. Do you remember that night when we were packing up the remainder of my things from the apartment in Fairfax and I told you I was afraid of you becoming "bored" (wrong word, I know, I've since found the right one) with me and kicking me out? Lately I've been feeling more and more apprehensive that you'll just give up on the idea of "us". In one of the responses to a comment on the letter you wrote for me on LJ a few weeks ago, you said that "Part of [you] just wants to get it over with." Now, I don't know what that's referencing, but if it's in regard to me moving out (whether it be by you asking me to leave or by me leaving on my own), please if you want/need me to leave, just ask me to do it. Get it over with. I hate feeling like we're in some sort of limbo. I can't tell what you're thinking/feeling anymore. All I get from you is a blank brick wall spattered with anger, frustration, and withdrawal. Again, if you're pulling away from me, just tell me you need some time and space. I'll do my best to understand. I know V was trying to help by talking with me about it, but to be perfectly honest, I need to hear it from you. I think that I'm most afraid of your rejection, of you not wanting me in your life anymore. I went upstairs that night and cried myself to sleep . And I'm not telling you this to hurt you, I just can't end up in this place mentally again. This constant feeling of apprehension and "am I good enough?"... I don't want to feel like I'm your kid and I'm going to disappoint you. And lately, that's how I've been feeling. It's not healthy. That's the justification I can find for moving, anyway. I don't think that me living here is beneficial to the three of us growing in our relationship. Maybe I'm wrong. I really don't know at this point. I had a thought and now it's gone. I hate DayQuil. I hate that I'm crying right now just thinking about this. I hate that I feel like I'm losing you and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.