(no subject)
Once again i recieve credit for yet another failing relationship. yah..freaking..hoo. As Mike very kindly informed me, I didnt seem happy at all to see him thursday when he came home from Europe, i don't kiss him the way i used to, and i don't like when he touches me or holds my hand. I was tempted to laugh. Everything he was saying to me, yelling at me for, was absolutely rediculous. I was so so happy to see him, kissing him is the same as it always was, and i pulled away from him once when we were fighting. He just exploded on me, he made me feel so small. But, thinking it over, i realize it was my fault. I cant explain the kissing thing, but its...not good. He and Nate were joking around saying i cheated on him while he was gone and thats why i dont kiss him the same. Nate was kidding, I dont think Mike was. Thats fucked up, and i'm so fucking upset about it. So i cried all fuckin day but i didnt want to tell him to bring me home because that would have caused a thousand more problems, and i was still trying to fix what was in front of me. I spoke to nate about it and he told me to just start over and pretend Mike had just come home so i went and sat on the couch with him, after secluding myself from him all day, i thought he'd be willing to talk about it instead of just forgetting everything that happened. he wasnt. so i said i was sorry and we decided to forget it and we went upstairs to his room..so i thought everything was okay. After we dropped nate off and he was on his way to bring me home, mike told me he was going to umass today and then hanging out with AJ, so i figured i wouldnt see him today. so me and meghan went to a movie and while we were waiting for my dad to come pick us up, we see mike drive by in the parking lot. so i yelled to him and he came and drove by us and i see that aj isnt fuckin with him, nate and rachel are. At this point im really curious as to why hes with nate and rachel and not aj, but i figured aj broke plans and he called me when i was at the movie and i wasnt home so he just went without me..whatever, its not his fault. before i could ask him what was going on, my dad pulled up right behind him and we were late for church so i didnt have time. I asked my dad if mike called while i was gone, he didnt. Maybe im being overly sensative, but it hurt my feelings that he didnt ask me to go with them. The four of us have done everything together for 2 months, and today he just decides to be the third wheel with nate and rachel...? hes gotta be still pissed at me, but he didnt act it last night. and if he is, hes stupid, and, not to sound likea five year old, but he really hurt my feelings by not calling. If hes just trying to avoid more fights, i'm done. i'm really trying, but he's not meeting me halfway. I figured they were going to see a movie so i thought he'd call me when it was done. he didnt..so i called his cell and he didnt answer..but he went home because he's online but hes idle. i dotn think im reading too far into this..after everything thats happened since he got home..this is just him avoiding more conflict. avoiding me. im trying..i dont know what else to do.
I've never had a relationship like this..i've never had to work so hard. or maybe i just didnt care as much. i really fuckin hope he didnt lie to me about aj...