Speed
Well not really, but I feel like I'm on it. Thats what BPD, plus OCD, plus ADD does to you. You have no idea what the feeling is like. It would be awesome under different circumstances, but being as they arent, it fucking sucks. I haven't been able to stop moving for the past week or so, just cleaning and cleaning and moving and constantly needing to be doing something. I honestly don't even remember half the shit I did. Thats how fast each day went. Today was Avas birthday and it just flew by-- I wish it had gone slower, but because so much was going on, I really couldn't stop it. She got soo many presents-- clothes, toys, some hand-me-downs (which were MUCH appreciated), and some savings bonds, which were even more appreciated. She's going to be well stocked for about a year :-)
I can't even believe she's a year old already. Time really has flown by so quickly. Shes walking now, and man is she gonna be a runner! She doesnt do anything slow, just like her momma! She runs everywhere and is constantly moving and playing. She's never sad and never exhausted. Only when you lay her down do you see the tiredness in her eyes. I can't believe she's mine. Such a perfect, beautiful little thing. In all honesty I don't think I deserve such a miracle in my life. But I believe that she was sent to me for a reason, that her AND John were sent to me to rescue me from the path I was going down. I couldn't be more thankful and grateful that they're in my life. Sometimes I know I don't deserve them, but not a day goes by where I dont thank God that they are still with me. I want Ava to have the most amazing life, live a beautiful life unlike my own, filled with perfection and happiness. I never want to see her in pain, or going through the shit I did. No one deserves that, and she will only receive the best. I love her so much, it's amazing that my heart hasn't exploded from it. The same goes for John. We've had our arguments and downs, but in the end we always find a way to get through it. Most of the fights are my fault, and I bring them on out of nowhere (yet another symptom of BPD), and sometimes it can't be helped, even with medication. But I always, ALWAYS feel guilty about it afterwards, and immediately apologize, which helps us get back to the way we were. I never want to lose him, I can't imagine life without him. I know that's a strong thing to say, not even two years into the relationship, but I couldn't be more serious. I can see myself being with him the rest of my life; we just have that...connection, for better words. I've had relationships in the past, but I mostly used or too naive to see that I wasn't truly loved. I was therefore taken advantage of, and ended up being fucked over time and time again. But this..it's different. Since day one I knew it was different. There's so much more to John then people give him credit for- he's hardworking, supporting a family, going to college, and, even after a 12 hour shift at work, he still makes time for his family. I admire him for that, and think he is the definition of a superhero. Sure, I have my moments where I'm angry with him and talk shit, but then I realize how selfish I'm being, and it's not always about me. I never realized how truly selfish I was until he pointed it out one day. And I've been working on being unselfish ever since. My baby and him come before anything else, and I would give up anything for them; even my life (don't say the word emo, because it's true). I've never felt this strongly about anyone before, and it scares me, to tell you the truth. Not knowing if this is real, if I'm just dreaming and am going to wake up alone. Not just without him, but without Ava too. And it scares the hell out of me, because I can't imagine not having either of them in my life. I can't even imagine what my life would be like today without them in my life. Where I would've have gone in life, what I would've done (or not have done), if I would've ended up going down that fucked up road and made a left turn at the fork for the worst. I don't even want to think about it, but it nags at me sometimes. But then I look at my daughter, see what an amazing human being she is and is becoming, and then I look at John, who helped me create such a perfect lifeform. It's absolutely miraculous what two people can do. I couldn't be more grateful to him for giving her to me.
So that was my little rant about life at the moment. I still feel like I'm on speed (think "Requiem for a Dream"x10), but I'm calming down a little. I can't believe its 11:16pm already. Where the fuck did the time go? It seems like 2 minutes ago that I was just getting up, preparing for the party. And now it's over. A word to the wise: never take even a millisecond for granted. Because one it's gone, it's gone. There's no getting it back, and you regret not cherishing each moment that passes. Just stop...take one moment out of your life to realize that each moment, each action, each emotion, is important. Because it will lead to another, and it will take you one step further, towards the person you will become. Just think about that.
I can't even believe she's a year old already. Time really has flown by so quickly. Shes walking now, and man is she gonna be a runner! She doesnt do anything slow, just like her momma! She runs everywhere and is constantly moving and playing. She's never sad and never exhausted. Only when you lay her down do you see the tiredness in her eyes. I can't believe she's mine. Such a perfect, beautiful little thing. In all honesty I don't think I deserve such a miracle in my life. But I believe that she was sent to me for a reason, that her AND John were sent to me to rescue me from the path I was going down. I couldn't be more thankful and grateful that they're in my life. Sometimes I know I don't deserve them, but not a day goes by where I dont thank God that they are still with me. I want Ava to have the most amazing life, live a beautiful life unlike my own, filled with perfection and happiness. I never want to see her in pain, or going through the shit I did. No one deserves that, and she will only receive the best. I love her so much, it's amazing that my heart hasn't exploded from it. The same goes for John. We've had our arguments and downs, but in the end we always find a way to get through it. Most of the fights are my fault, and I bring them on out of nowhere (yet another symptom of BPD), and sometimes it can't be helped, even with medication. But I always, ALWAYS feel guilty about it afterwards, and immediately apologize, which helps us get back to the way we were. I never want to lose him, I can't imagine life without him. I know that's a strong thing to say, not even two years into the relationship, but I couldn't be more serious. I can see myself being with him the rest of my life; we just have that...connection, for better words. I've had relationships in the past, but I mostly used or too naive to see that I wasn't truly loved. I was therefore taken advantage of, and ended up being fucked over time and time again. But this..it's different. Since day one I knew it was different. There's so much more to John then people give him credit for- he's hardworking, supporting a family, going to college, and, even after a 12 hour shift at work, he still makes time for his family. I admire him for that, and think he is the definition of a superhero. Sure, I have my moments where I'm angry with him and talk shit, but then I realize how selfish I'm being, and it's not always about me. I never realized how truly selfish I was until he pointed it out one day. And I've been working on being unselfish ever since. My baby and him come before anything else, and I would give up anything for them; even my life (don't say the word emo, because it's true). I've never felt this strongly about anyone before, and it scares me, to tell you the truth. Not knowing if this is real, if I'm just dreaming and am going to wake up alone. Not just without him, but without Ava too. And it scares the hell out of me, because I can't imagine not having either of them in my life. I can't even imagine what my life would be like today without them in my life. Where I would've have gone in life, what I would've done (or not have done), if I would've ended up going down that fucked up road and made a left turn at the fork for the worst. I don't even want to think about it, but it nags at me sometimes. But then I look at my daughter, see what an amazing human being she is and is becoming, and then I look at John, who helped me create such a perfect lifeform. It's absolutely miraculous what two people can do. I couldn't be more grateful to him for giving her to me.
So that was my little rant about life at the moment. I still feel like I'm on speed (think "Requiem for a Dream"x10), but I'm calming down a little. I can't believe its 11:16pm already. Where the fuck did the time go? It seems like 2 minutes ago that I was just getting up, preparing for the party. And now it's over. A word to the wise: never take even a millisecond for granted. Because one it's gone, it's gone. There's no getting it back, and you regret not cherishing each moment that passes. Just stop...take one moment out of your life to realize that each moment, each action, each emotion, is important. Because it will lead to another, and it will take you one step further, towards the person you will become. Just think about that.