(no subject)
Overwhelmed, Unprepared, Confused. All these things have blended & made quite an uncomfortable setting in my stomach. Asking for God's help & holding on to faith is all I can do to not just collapse in panick. I'm at a moment where my future is so uncertain & I'm surrounded by a million paths I could take, a million dreams w/o a million dollars to fufill them, & so confused about God's purpose & plan for my life. I feel no confidence in myself & to wrestle these feelings on my own is undoubtfully torture. I can only cry out to God in honest agony and say that I feel too messed up to start at Harvest International. I want to go so so bad but can't help but question maybe I should be stronger in my faith & less needy emotionally. The Lord has brought me such a long way it's unbelievable but I can't help to feel still so inadequate. And if others really knew how scared I felt & unsure would they still think I should go, if they knew the thoughts in my head would they still accept me? I'm struggling between staying at my current job saving up money and being more prepared to go the next school year but my fear is if i waited another year would I even go? The other part of me says to just go & dive in; see what God has for me & not to settle for Mediocre anymore. My Dad & I will be talking this weekend about going to Harvest International & I will see if he will help me financially. If not & I decide to go I know God will prepare a way.. he is such a faithful provider & he's proved that time and time again. My biggest obstacle is ultimately myself. Why so much fear & why so much self loathing. Why the voice in my head screaming NOT SIGNIFICANT. Lord help me to have your eyes. Help me to see myself the way you see me. Give me a vision that's bigger than myself & a purpose that will help others come to know you. This is my prayer & my plea, I need you so much God. Sharon Amandus one of the most inspiring people I've ever met told me at work today that in her prayer time she felt the Lord speak to her that she needed to lay hands on me and pray for me. That means so much to me because I know God sees me and he hears my cry.