i want to start writing more but my writing is always ranting about lost love...
rambling is my most comfortable form of speech, stuttering comes naturally to me. solace comes from conversations that go on and on interjected with the occasional thought that actually makes sense. i guess i've come to terms with my anxiety, and through a period of self medication, followed by a period of just waking up, my fear of public speaking has succomb to 'not giving a fuck.' i think i'm your average hopeless romantic, but i like to believe i have more of a grasp on my emotions than the next person. i'm one of those people who adheres to the "everything happens for a reason" philosophy, but it goes against all my beliefs and ethics to base my life around a philosophy that places so much hope in a higher power, which i for the most part believe is a hoax. i'm just one big walking hypocrisy, in every sense of the word. sometimes i think humans have been placed in this dome (aka the universe) that is controlled by aliens (who are outside the dome), and with the help of the government, they conduct experiments to try and achieve some sort of results, even though i have no idea what those results would prove or reinforce. results: humans are so self-absorbed they can't fathom a world outside of their own that functions with a higher intelligency (results pertaining mostly to the robber barons of this capitalistic, shot to shit, american society). i think of wierd shit. i'm convinced i have a brain tumor and the doctors are going to tell me i'll be dead in 5 months. 5 months just seemed like an appropriate amount of time before a brain tumor would kill someone off, and also giving me a sufficient period to do all those last minute things that i deem important. i've already accepted every insult that could come my way (i've been to hell and back again with the ex), i'm not ashamed. i always say 'fight the real enemy.' i know my real enemy--me. if my life is going to get fucked up, it'll happen on my own terms. as for martha stewart, 'that bitch just be crazy.'