(no subject)
i shouldn't feel like this. i don't even know what this is. i miss home. i haven't had a hard time coming back to school in so long. of course there was always that "i don't want to go to classes" aspect, but this time i genuinely just miss being home. i miss my parents and i miss my friends. i miss my brothers and my grandparents and my relatives.
over spring break i just felt like i didn't belong there anymore. sure i still hung out and chilled but there was something missing. usually that would push me away from a place, but its bringing me to a mindset where i want to go back because i want to make everything right.
maybe i'm jealous? maybe i just feel like i'm missing out on so much? i am missing out on a lot though. leaving was possibly one of the best things that i could have done, but at the same time i'm now in an awkward stage in both places. maybe it's because i've tried to connect the two so much? now when i'm at home i feel like school is missing from there and when i'm here i feel like home is missing from here. that probably doesnt make sense to anyone but somehow it does to me.
i keep telling myself that i should just go back to whatever i was before. i don't even know when i changed. go back to high school. go back to not caring about... anything and just having fun. nothing is going to effect me massively in the long run anyway.
is there even going to be a long run? i'm scared about the future. i'm fighting it. i'm never going to graduate and ill just stay a student forever. i dont want to think about people getting older and things changing. i hate change. i really don't handle it well. as much as i love surprises and random things... it's hard to break a routine permanently.
nothing feels right anymore. legit nothing. as much as i want to point out a reason as to why it's not... i know that's not it. i got in from class today and just didn't know what to do with myself. my dad called and asked if i was ok cause he said he was worried about me. i called my mom at 2.30 last night in a drunken stupor. she already wanted me to come home and now she really does. i don't like that my parents are actually worried about me. its nice that they care, but if i don't even know what's wrong... they shouldn't stress out about it.
i don't know. i need to stop freaking out. i'm in the middle of a really bad anxiety attack and i can't stop it. it started last night. i hate that they last so long now.
i need to just keep drinking. but i shouldn't. i've drank so much the past week and it really doesn't help. i thought i missed it but i don't. maybe i do. maybe if i'm just drunk all the time like i used to be everything will just fix itself like it used to.
i probably just need to stop caring about things. and people. i don't want to though. i want people to care about me as much as i care about them. don't get me wrong. i have awesome friends i just feel like i value things more than others. its dumb.
i'm gonna go get dinner simply because i can't stay in this room anymore.
i missed a call from my mom and i really don't want to call her back.
i think i'm going to throw up.
over spring break i just felt like i didn't belong there anymore. sure i still hung out and chilled but there was something missing. usually that would push me away from a place, but its bringing me to a mindset where i want to go back because i want to make everything right.
maybe i'm jealous? maybe i just feel like i'm missing out on so much? i am missing out on a lot though. leaving was possibly one of the best things that i could have done, but at the same time i'm now in an awkward stage in both places. maybe it's because i've tried to connect the two so much? now when i'm at home i feel like school is missing from there and when i'm here i feel like home is missing from here. that probably doesnt make sense to anyone but somehow it does to me.
i keep telling myself that i should just go back to whatever i was before. i don't even know when i changed. go back to high school. go back to not caring about... anything and just having fun. nothing is going to effect me massively in the long run anyway.
is there even going to be a long run? i'm scared about the future. i'm fighting it. i'm never going to graduate and ill just stay a student forever. i dont want to think about people getting older and things changing. i hate change. i really don't handle it well. as much as i love surprises and random things... it's hard to break a routine permanently.
nothing feels right anymore. legit nothing. as much as i want to point out a reason as to why it's not... i know that's not it. i got in from class today and just didn't know what to do with myself. my dad called and asked if i was ok cause he said he was worried about me. i called my mom at 2.30 last night in a drunken stupor. she already wanted me to come home and now she really does. i don't like that my parents are actually worried about me. its nice that they care, but if i don't even know what's wrong... they shouldn't stress out about it.
i don't know. i need to stop freaking out. i'm in the middle of a really bad anxiety attack and i can't stop it. it started last night. i hate that they last so long now.
i need to just keep drinking. but i shouldn't. i've drank so much the past week and it really doesn't help. i thought i missed it but i don't. maybe i do. maybe if i'm just drunk all the time like i used to be everything will just fix itself like it used to.
i probably just need to stop caring about things. and people. i don't want to though. i want people to care about me as much as i care about them. don't get me wrong. i have awesome friends i just feel like i value things more than others. its dumb.
i'm gonna go get dinner simply because i can't stay in this room anymore.
i missed a call from my mom and i really don't want to call her back.
i think i'm going to throw up.