CMS
Monday, September 7, 2009 at 12:51am
It's been almost one year.. One year since I made the biggest mistake I think I'll ever make. At least, that's how I've come to look at it. One year ago I was with my better half, one year ago I was happy and one year ago I didn't wake up everyday, go to bed everything, wondering, wishing, waiting. And most of all hurting.
It was one year ago that we dated. A girl unlike any other, the "one who will knock you off your feet". Yes, I found her, or the closest thing I've yet to find. Not a day goes by that I don't wonder about her, want to call her, and wish she were still mine. I've called and talked, but nothing happens. I told her how I feel and all I got back was a "Thank you, I don't know what to tell you". That is crushing, for those indeed engulfed in love.
I still remember her exact face, her favorite color, and all her mannerisms. She told me random things and I still think of them every night. Her mother never sent her to bed with wet hair--it was a cause of pneumonia she said. Every night of my life I hear her say those words to me when I lay in bed with wet hair from the shower. Every night, without fail, I've heard her say those words to me.
Dating for me has become a pissing contest, and she can sure as shit piss farther than the rest. Comparing ex's to current affairs is just plain tacky, but in my eyes, nothing can compare to her. No one even comes close. They've all got issues, problems, and nothing that I want. Granted I enjoy the shortcomings of people, and I would dance with hers under the pale moonlight for eternity. Unfortunately, I lost out on that. So I'll sit idly by, and wonder.
She gave me so much courage and such motivation to do what I wanted. To be who I was. To this day I still follow her guiding words and it has shaped me to be my dream. She was the best teacher I'd ever had and I wish she was still with me to guide me through the hardest years of my life. People have died, people have hurt me and through it all I can still see her face and smile at her kind words. She told me to follow my dreams and I am. I realized that nothing is impossible and that I carve my own life. I can be whoever I want and I'm slowly putting the pieces in place, slowly forming up the foundation for the rest of my life.
Pieces are missing and there are gaps here and there, but I'll get back to them eventually. I don't sweat the places where I need more mortar and I don't trouble over the holes that will one day be solid. I've learned to be strong. No one can help me except myself. I've grown cold towards feelings and I am generally more of a mentor than a lover. I'd rather give advice and watch the wheels turn than ever be a cog in someone's contraption. I create the machines, I do not turn myself. However, I would change everything for one last shot to be with her.
I see so many awful things from day to day. I live by murder and sleep by adultery. Many others would scream and run away. I however sit by and watch the world plummet. I'll be shaping what I can, but for the rest of us, we have no way out. We're all here, locked up together. Perhaps one day we'll figure a way out, make our escape. Until then though, we're all just rats, fighting for air.
It's been one year almost. One year, and I cannot forgive myself. One year and my heart still burns strong for her. Is this love?
It's been almost one year.. One year since I made the biggest mistake I think I'll ever make. At least, that's how I've come to look at it. One year ago I was with my better half, one year ago I was happy and one year ago I didn't wake up everyday, go to bed everything, wondering, wishing, waiting. And most of all hurting.
It was one year ago that we dated. A girl unlike any other, the "one who will knock you off your feet". Yes, I found her, or the closest thing I've yet to find. Not a day goes by that I don't wonder about her, want to call her, and wish she were still mine. I've called and talked, but nothing happens. I told her how I feel and all I got back was a "Thank you, I don't know what to tell you". That is crushing, for those indeed engulfed in love.
I still remember her exact face, her favorite color, and all her mannerisms. She told me random things and I still think of them every night. Her mother never sent her to bed with wet hair--it was a cause of pneumonia she said. Every night of my life I hear her say those words to me when I lay in bed with wet hair from the shower. Every night, without fail, I've heard her say those words to me.
Dating for me has become a pissing contest, and she can sure as shit piss farther than the rest. Comparing ex's to current affairs is just plain tacky, but in my eyes, nothing can compare to her. No one even comes close. They've all got issues, problems, and nothing that I want. Granted I enjoy the shortcomings of people, and I would dance with hers under the pale moonlight for eternity. Unfortunately, I lost out on that. So I'll sit idly by, and wonder.
She gave me so much courage and such motivation to do what I wanted. To be who I was. To this day I still follow her guiding words and it has shaped me to be my dream. She was the best teacher I'd ever had and I wish she was still with me to guide me through the hardest years of my life. People have died, people have hurt me and through it all I can still see her face and smile at her kind words. She told me to follow my dreams and I am. I realized that nothing is impossible and that I carve my own life. I can be whoever I want and I'm slowly putting the pieces in place, slowly forming up the foundation for the rest of my life.
Pieces are missing and there are gaps here and there, but I'll get back to them eventually. I don't sweat the places where I need more mortar and I don't trouble over the holes that will one day be solid. I've learned to be strong. No one can help me except myself. I've grown cold towards feelings and I am generally more of a mentor than a lover. I'd rather give advice and watch the wheels turn than ever be a cog in someone's contraption. I create the machines, I do not turn myself. However, I would change everything for one last shot to be with her.
I see so many awful things from day to day. I live by murder and sleep by adultery. Many others would scream and run away. I however sit by and watch the world plummet. I'll be shaping what I can, but for the rest of us, we have no way out. We're all here, locked up together. Perhaps one day we'll figure a way out, make our escape. Until then though, we're all just rats, fighting for air.
It's been one year almost. One year, and I cannot forgive myself. One year and my heart still burns strong for her. Is this love?