Gift for doctahr
To: doctahr
From: timelord1
Title: Blame the Daiquiris
Characters and/or Pairings: 10th Doctor, Rose, Donna
Rating: Teen
Summary: The Doctor and Rose are in the midst of a Christmas party when the TARDIS takes them somewhere they are desperately needed, no matter how drunk they are.
Word Count: 9,070
CHAPTER 1
“I really can’t stay,” Rose sang, fluttering her eyelids towards the blue glow of the TARDIS engine. She was wearing a pink fuzzy Santa hat and matching short dress with a white marabou hem and pink and white striped stockings.
The Doctor slid up behind her, wearing a jauntily-cocked fedora and a tuxedo with a white silk scarf around his neck. He was holding a martini glass full of frozen banana daiquiri. “But, baby, it’s cold outside…”
Rose posed like a pinup, thrusting her bum in the Doctor’s direction, hands on her knees. “I’ve got to go ‘way…”
“But, baby, it’s cold outside…” the Doctor was doing his best Dean Martin, and frankly sounded better at being Dino than Dino himself. Rose paused in her part of the duet to take another long drink of the Doctor’s special eggnog. The TARDIS had provided a gigantic, real Christmas tree with glittering decorations all in her favorite shade of blue, and the Doctor had cluttered the floor under the tree with so many presents Rose couldn’t begin to count them.
“Your eyes are like starlight now,” the Doctor sang, his lips millimeters from Rose’s neck. She couldn’t get over what a beautiful singing voice he had; he sang just a hair deeper than he spoke, with a resonance that gave her goose bumps. If only he would make the move to push their relationship past the point of flirty friendship to a proper something else; something concrete, with snogging and sweet sentiments that she could hang on to with both hands. Sometimes the flirting, combined with the not knowing where she stood with him, was exhausting.
“That’s not the right part of the song,” she admonished, tugging on his scarf.
He tipped his fedora and waggled his head like the man he was impersonating. “Now you seehere, chicky. I wrote thissong and I’ll singittheway I wanna. Where’s Jerry? I want to beat the dickens outta that little guy,” he slurred, downing the rest of the daiquiri at one go.
Rose put her hand on the console to steady herself. “I think you’re drunk, Doctor.”
He pointed at her. “I think you’re drunk, Miss Tyler.”
“It’s that eggnog of yours. What’s in it?”
He shrugged; setting his martini glass down on what he thought was the edge of the console but which turned out to be a spot of thin air. The glass fell but did not break, thanks to a sudden jet of air from the bowels of the TARDIS that launched the glass upward so the Doctor could catch it.
“Eggs. And nog,” he said with a wink. “Also, cinnamon and nutmeg. Love cinnamon. Dance with me.” He took her into his arms and twirled her around the control console, executing a Fred Astaire-esque lift over the pile of presents to Rose’s squealing delight. When he set her down, he hesitated, his eyes focused on her lips. He pressed his own lips together, as if to restrain himself from making a wrong move, and flicked his gaze up into her eyes.
“Strawberry,” he said, his head falling to one side.
“What?” Rose asked.
“I imagine your lips would taste like strawberry, with that stuff all over them.”
“Do you want to find out?” Rose asked, leaning towards him, she tilted her head back ever so slightly, and he drew back from her.
He scoffed, his cheeks flaring with heat. “Time Lords are allergic to strawberries. Terribly so.”
“I figured you’d say as much,” Rose said. “Next time I’ll wear banana. You like bananas, don’t you, Doctor?” She slid backwards out of his arms, trying to be sultry, when the last drink of egg nog hit her and she fell against the control console and inadvertently threw all of her body weight against a lever. The TARDIS jerked out of neutral and tossed the Doctor and Rose to the ground as it zipped through the Vortex.
The Doctor lifted his head and smiled at Rose as she blew hair out of her face. “Oops,” he said, chuckling. Rose laughed harder and rolled onto her back. The Doctor got up and leaned against the console to look at the readouts on the monitor.
“Where are you taking us, my darling?” he asked, forcing his eyes to focus. He could have expelled the alcohol from his system and sobered instantly, but he didn’t want to. It was Christmas, after all. Well, on Earth it was probably mid-June or the 1950s, but it was Christmas according to TARDIS local time, so they were celebrating. He twisted a glittering green ball on the controls to try to slow her speed, but she appeared to be operating under her own control. No amount of poking, banging or lever-slamming made any difference.
“Where’re we going?” Rose asked as she got to her knees.
“She’s not telling,” the Doctor answered. “I’m not stupid enough to try and stop her. She’ll let us know when she wants us to know. You want to open presents while we ride?” His eyebrows danced coyly and he helped her to her feet, leading her over to the tree so she could sit near it.
“Hold on,” he said, stumbling a little as he dashed back to his bedroom. He came out with a Polaroid camera that looked like he’d snatched it from the 1970s, and probably had done. He twisted a flash cube into place and instructed her to smile. He snapped a picture and the camera groaned and spit out a piece of paper which he began to blow on and shake.
“You know that doesn’t make it develop any faster,” Rose said, leaning back on her elbows.
“Ah, humans and your digital poppycock,” he blustered, still shaking the picture. “This - this - is proper technology. Anticipation. Grainy photos with space at the bottom to write a message. Who needs a digital camera? There!” he showed her the picture.
“My phone takes better pictures than that,” she said with a giggle.
“Yeah, but can you write a message on your phone?” he cried, waving the photo in the air and scrounging the cluttered surface of the console until he produced a marker. “Come here, I’m going to teach you how to write in Gallifreyan.”
“You’re drunk!” Rose argued as she got to her feet and joined him.
“Onlyalittle,” he slurred, and then laughed in surprise at himself. “Well, maybe a bit more than a little. Anyway, come here. Draw a circle.” He put the marker in her hand and crossed his arms, tapping his feet. He pointed at the white space under the photo and made several encouraging grunts until Rose did as he instructed.
“Brilliant!” he cried, giving her a kiss on the cheek. She looked up at him and he cleared his throat, pointing back at the picture. “Now, put three small circles just inside there, all along the edge. And, now, a hexagon just there. Six sides.”
Rose closed one eye and smirked at him. “I know what a hexagon is, Doctor.”
“Course you do,” he said with a nod. “Then, do it. Put it - oh, well, you can put it there. That will work. Changed the meaning slightly.” He stopped and studied what she’d written and began howling with laughter, wiping his eyes and gasping for air. He kept pointing at her, but couldn’t say what was making him so hysterical for nearly a minute.
“Stop it!” Rose shouted at last, putting her hands on her hips. “What does it say?”
He closed his mouth and tried to make a serious face, but the laughter kept leaking out of the corners of his mouth. “It says ythre,” he said at last, with a little giggle.
“And what’s that mean?” Rose asked.
“Well, ythr is the word for…something that’s not nice. But when you put the e at the end, you make it cute. So, it’s sort of sweet in a weird way.” His composure dissolved into laughter again and Rose threw the marker at him. He threw up his hands to defend himself. “It’s your fault! You put the hexagon there. I was having you write something entirely different and you botched it.”
“What were you trying to make me write?” Rose asked, narrowing her eyes at him.
“I love you,” he said, shocked at the way he had said it so easily. His eyes widened and he went on talking. Stupid daiquiris - did I honestly need four? “In Gallifreyan, you know, ‘I love you’ doesn’t mean the same thing it does here. We have other phrases for that. It’s merely a term exchanged among very dear friends.”
“’Course it is,” Rose said, sighing. “Am I going to get to open any of these presents now?”
“Presents!” he cried, taking off his hat and tossing it so it landed at the top of the Christmas tree. He sat her down in the jump seat and inspected the pile of presents. Finally he dove in and pulled out a tiny box wrapped in holographic paper. “This one’s for you,” he said, placing it in her hands.
Rose pointed at the pile. “Aren’t they all for me?”
“Oh!” he cried with a laugh. “Aren’t you just spoiled? No, they are not all for you. Some of them are for me! You know what? You can’t have any of them.” He snatched the box out of her hands again and held it over his head. She jumped off the seat and tried to get the package back, squealing and laughing and swatting at him. They were so caught up in one another that they didn’t realize the TARDIS had stopped until they heard someone banging on the doors outside, and heard a woman’s voice with a thick London accent shouting at them.
“Doctor! Hurry up and open the bloody doors!”
The Doctor exchanged a confused look with Rose, then went to the doors and opened them a crack. The woman on the other side burst in, smashing the Doctor’s face with the door. She was filthy, her shirt torn, her thick red hair mostly falling out of what might have once been a tidy updo. There were bits of hay clinging to her everywhere. She fell against the doors to close them again and sighed heavily.
“Thank God you’re all right!” she cried, patting the Doctor’s chest. Her fingers caught the silk scarf and she pulled it off his neck and looked at him. “Why’re you dressed like that?” She looked at the tree and presents, and then her gaze fell on Rose. She wheeled around and grabbed the lapels of the Doctor’s tuxedo. “What. The. Hell. Are. You. Doing?! You left me there, thinking you were lost forever - and all this time you’ve been bouncing around in the TARDIS with the tart of the month? How could you do that to me?” She hauled off and slapped him across the face, the impact turning him so he hit the nearest coral strut.
“That’s it!” the Doctor roared, regaining himself. “Who the hell are you? I don’t even know you! And don’t you dare call my friend a tart. Get out!” He grabbed the woman by the shoulders and started to push her back through the doors.
“Oi! Don’t you dare put me back out there!” the woman cried, twisting out of his grip. She ran to the control console and gripped the edge. Her face softened as she studied him. “Doctor, you really don’t know me?”
“No!” he snapped, picking up his scarf from where she’d dropped it. The madwoman walked up to him and put her hand on his cheek, staring into his eyes. The intimacy of her gesture made him draw back like an ostrich, but he made no more effort to move away from her.
“What has she done to you?” she whispered, tears forming in her eyes. “It’s me - Donna Noble. Your best friend. Please remember me.” She threw her arms around him and hugged him, eliciting an awkward grunt from the still-tipsy Time Lord. He gave Rose a shrug and he got his system to start drawing the alcohol out of his bloodstream.
“Donna Noble,” he said, pronouncing the words together for the first time in his life. “I’m so sorry. I’ve never met you before.”
The redhead - Donna - shook with her tears as she clung to him. After several awkward minutes of her sobbing and the Doctor looking at Rose in utter bafflement, she lifted her head and wiped her face on his jacket.
“It’s all right,” she said with a sniff, holding her head high. “We’ll fix it. Now, ditch the blondie and let’s get you somewhere that we can fix your brain.”
“Hi,” Rose said, walking over with her hand extended. “I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m Rose Tyler. Who the hell are you?”
Donna clapped a hand over her heart and made a little squeaking noise. “Rose Tyler? The Rose Tyler?” she whirled around and beamed up at the Doctor, smacking his upper arm. “No wonder you forgot about me! Wait.” She moved her eyes back and forth, looking between the two of them. She finally held up one finger. “You know what I think this is? I think this is a miracle. A Christmas miracle, judgin’ from the way the two of you are dressed. Let me see.” She grabbed the Doctor’s jacket again and wrestled him out of it, then unbuttoned his right sleeve and pushed it up above the elbow. She turned his arm over, inspecting it, and then slapped his arm. He yelped and drew away from her, putting himself between Donna and Rose in case the ginger maniac got any ideas about slapping her.
“Ha! That proves it! This isn’t you!” She crowed with a laugh. “No wonder you two looked at me like I was seven kinds of cray-zay. ‘Who’s this nutter bursting in here getting all choked up and loony?’”
“Hang on!” the Doctor shouted, putting up his hands. “Just…stop talking for a second and let me get my bearings. What does my arm prove about anything?”
Donna pursed her lips and studied him. “I see that this version of you might be just a bit thick.”
“Oi,” he warned. “Why don’t you spend a little more time explaining yourself and a little less time being a-“
“Would you like to sit down?” Rose asked, gesturing to the jump seat. “You look like you’ve had a rough go of it lately.”
Donna sniffed, a tad melodramatically as far as the Doctor was concerned, and hopped into the seat, putting her feet up on the console as if she did it all the time. “Thank you,” she said, pointing the words solely in Rose’s direction. “He’s so right about you. Do you have a kettle on? ‘course you don’t. It’s been so long since I’ve had a good cup of TARDIS tea. Ever since the dragon.” She looked towards the doors and sniffed again.
“Dragon?” the Doctor asked.
“I’m going to make some tea,” Rose said.
“Rose,” the Doctor whinged as she went down the hallway to the kitchen. “Get one of those blue pills out of the infirmary while you’re at it!” he called after her. “Takes care of the alcohol.”
Donna simpered at the Doctor. “So much nicer than you,” she whispered.
“What about a dragon?” the Doctor pressed. “And where is…am…I? Your me. The Doctor that you know. Where is he?”
“Captured,” Donna answered, her face collapsing into a grim frown. “He sacrificed himself to save me. Now he’s with her, and who knows what she’s done to him by now.”
“How could you tell that he and I weren’t the same man by looking at my arm?” the Doctor asked.
“My Doctor has a scar just there,” Donna answered, pointing to a spot just below the Doctor’s elbow. “Wouldn’t tell me how he got it, but it’s pretty nasty. Said it happened a long time ago. Maybe in the Time War. Who knows? You don’t tell me much, you big, stupid alien.”
The Doctor shook his head, waving her chattering away. “What about the dragon? Where’s the TARDIS? And who is ‘her?’”
Donna smirked at him. “Of course I’m all right. Thank you for asking! It’s always nice to know how deeply you care about me.”
The Doctor frowned. “It’s awfully hard to care deeply about someone when you haven’t the faintest idea who they are!”
“Oh, you do sound like you, though,” Donna said. “Okay. So. We came to this lovely little dump of a planet for the pastries. Best sweeties in the universe, you said. Said their whipped cream would make me weep with joy when I tasted it.”
The Doctor perked up. “Is this X-Clafec, then? If it is, I was right. They’ve got this chocolate fondue, too, that you could just-“
“Drink right out of the bowl,” Donna finished with a roll of her eyes. “I’ve heard the commercial, Time Boy. Well, you got the time wrong, as usual, and this is way-post-apocalyptic X-Clafec. They’ve rebuilt society and have progressed as far as about the Middle Ages on Earth. Except that where all the legends of dragons and evil witches and potions and all that rubbish are just legends on Earth, it’s all real here! You said something about the kind of weapons they used in the war that destroyed the happy, Willy Wonka civilization changed their molecular somethingorother and made mutant lizards for dragons and that was about the point I stopped listening. You tend to prattle, you know.”
The Doctor screwed up his face, but said nothing aloud. Pot calling the kettle black, aren’t we?
“Anyway,” Donna went on, “So we arrived at this stupid town and this stupid witch saw you and decided she wanted you for her own personal play-toy. So, she put a spell on me, and turned me into a bloody goat - yes-I-said-goat - until you agreed to go with her to her castle and live there with her forever I can’t believe I’m saying this out loud because it sounds so flippin’ daft!”
Rose came back into the control room with a tea tray with three cups. She had also changed out of her Mrs. Santa outfit into a sensible pair of jeans, her trainers, and a T-shirt depicting the happy final scene from A Charlie Brown Christmas.
“I brought out some chocolate Hobnobs,” Rose said as she poured the tea. “I didn’t know if you were hungry.”
Donna simpered at the Doctor again and took the tea from Rose. “Thank you, Rose. You are as kind as he always says you are.”
The Doctor poured tea for himself and fixed a cup for Rose, gesturing for her to sit in the seat with Donna. “What about the dragon? And the TARDIS?”
Donna leaned over to Rose. “Thick, isn’t he?” She turned back to the Doctor. “Put two and two together, sunshine. Planet with dragons. We’ve got no TARDIS. I said ‘not since the dragon’ to you in regards to said TARDIS.”
The Doctor winced. “A dragon smashed the TARDIS.”
“To bits.” Donna answered. “Least, I think it did. We were running for our lives by then. That was before I got turned into a goat, by the way. Can we pause and examine the deep scarring I’m probably going to have after spending an hour as a goat? Once we’ve done that, we’ve got to figure out a plan to get you out of that castle.”
Rose’s eyes were wide as saucers. “That’s the last time I step out to make tea. Anybody want to catch me up?”
The Doctor sighed and smiled at her. “You’re better off, believe me.”
“What are we going to do?” Donna asked. “You have to help me. Only you can save…you!”
The Doctor shrugged. “That’s probably true. Which, it’s safe to assume, is why the TARDIS brought us here in the first place. Feel sober enough for an adventure, Rose?” he asked with a wink.
“Always,” Rose answered, clasping his hand. Donna took his other hand and let go when she saw the ostrich look on his face again.
“Sorry,” Donna said, plucking a piece of straw out of her hair. “Habit.”
“Right,” the Doctor said, leading them out the doors. “Allons-y!”
*****
“You look smart in that tuxedo,” Donna said as she led them through the woods where they’d materialized. “You never dress up for me.”
“So where are we going?” Rose asked, putting herself between the Doctor and Donna. It wasn’t that she was jealous, necessarily, but she just didn’t want Donna getting the idea that she could be overly familiar with the Doctor - her Doctor.
“The witch’s castle is at the other side of this forest.” Donna said. “I think she’s got you…him…in one of the towers. I see lights in one particular tower every night.”
“How long have I been up there?” the Doctor asked.
Donna frowned. “Three nights, I think. Time’s been sort of running together for me.”
They moved on in silence until they came to the edge of the forest. The castle was made of yellowed limestone, with one tower at either end of the structure. The Doctor regarded it for a while before turning to the two women.
“It’s not all that big, for a castle,” he said. “D’you know how well it’s guarded?”
Donna gave him a look. “Yeah, because I brought all my surveillance equipment with me because I knew the TARDIS was going to get smashed by a big flippin’ dragon! I was all kinds of prepared!”
Rose grinned and elbowed the Doctor in the ribs. “She’s got you pegged, wot?”
“It’s funny,” Donna said, glancing up at the tower. “The last thing he said to me before he went with the witch was ‘Wait, Donna. Just wait, and everything will be all right.’ I wonder if he knew you were coming, or maybe he sent for you.”
Rose smiled at the Doctor. “Sounds just like you.”
The Doctor nodded. “I suppose. The question is, how do we get in there to get me out? There’s also the question of paradoxes and such. I mean, if we are the same man, crossing timelines like this isn’t the wisest thing to do. I’d rather not destroy the universe if we can avoid it.” He studied the layout of the castle for a while, and then leaned against a tree to think.
“Sorry I acted like a total whacko,” Donna whispered to Rose. “I just thought the witch had done something to him to make him forget me.”
“It’s okay,” Rose answered. “You said you got turned into a goat. I think that allows you acting a bit nutty for a while.”
“Ugh,” Donna sighed, patting Rose’s hand. “I thought I had chin hair before. And let me just clarify that straw tastes exactly the way you think it would, and it’s disgusting. And it gets all stuck on the inside of your mouth. No wonder animals stand around chewin’ all day - they’re getting the crap off their tongue!” She stuck her tongue out and made a disgusted sound that sounded entirely too much like a baa. She and Rose exchanged a long look.
“Right,” the Doctor said, cutting into the moment. “I’m going to climb up that outbuilding there, go across the roof and scale up the side of the tower to get inside.”
“And what are we gonna do?” Rose asked.
“Wait here,” he answered. “I’ll go get me, we’ll all go back to the TARDIS and we’ll figure out what to do from there. Simple.”
“I hate it when you say that,” Rose growled.
Donna slapped Rose’s arm with the back of her hand. “So do I! It’s like he might as well say ‘Hey, this is going to end in horrible disaster - let’s go!’”
The Doctor frowned at the women and sneaked off towards the castle. When he was gone, Rose turned to Donna.
“I don’t know about you, but there’s only one thing he says that I hate more than ‘this is going to be easy.’”
Donna nodded. “’Stay here?’”
Rose grinned. “Yeah. Fancy an adventure, Donna Noble?”
“Say the word, Rose Tyler!”
They clasped hands with a laugh and headed to the front of the castle.
CHAPTER 2
There appeared to be no guards on duty outside the castle, so the Doctor had no trouble getting to the little building at the side of the nearest tower. He hopped up onto a barrel and scrambled onto the roof, then studied the uneven limestone of the tower itself. He wished he’d taken the time to change into one of his usual suits rather than scuff up his tuxedo pants, but there was nothing for it now. At least Donna had relieved him of his jacket in the TARDIS. He spit into his hands and started climbing, his mind buzzing with ideas for how he was going to rescue himself without causing a paradox.
He was just starting to think that perhaps he should have taken a bit longer to get a full picture of everything that was going on before he started climbing towers when he saw two things at once that made him both very annoyed and somewhat amused. From his vantage point on the tower, he could see Rose and Donna walking up to the front gate of the castle, hand in hand like a couple of schoolgirls on a lark. He had also arrived at the window of the tower room and could see himself shackled to a bed in the middle of the room. He was alone in the room, which was a plus, and he appeared to be sleeping. He’d never seen himself asleep before, and was glad to discover that he was rather angelic-looking when he slept. He climbed into the room, dropping to the floor, and approached the bed.
If there was some way he could get himself out of the room without waking himself up, that would be a handy deterrent to any potential paradoxes. The shackles were made of thick leather and iron chains, and he was bound at the wrists and ankles. At least the witch or whoever was holding him prisoner had let him keep his clothes. The Doctor took the sonic screwdriver out of his pocket and began working on the shackles, starting at the ankles. He had just undone the right wrist when he woke up and locked eyes with himself.
“Blimey,” the Doctor in the bed said. “What are you doing here?”
The Doctor shrugged. “Better phrasing would’ve been ‘What am I doing here,’ but I knew what you meant.” He soniced the last shackle and the Doctor in the bed sat up, rubbing his wrists.
“Where’s Donna?” he asked himself.
“With Rose,” the Doctor in the tuxedo answered.
“Rose!” the Doctor in the bed cried, getting to his feet. “She’s here? How did you find her?”
“We’re not the same man,” the Doctor in the tuxedo answered, pushing up his shirtsleeve to show the other Doctor his unscarred arm. “Parallel universes? Anyway, how did you lose her?”
The two Doctors eyed one another for a moment, understanding passing between them.
“We’re not going to-“ the one in the tuxedo began.
“Nope,” the one in the pinstripes finished.
They nodded to one another, reached out their hands to shake one another’s hand, then pulled back at the same moment.
“Paradox,” they said to each other at once. “Just in case.”
The one in the tuxedo gestured to the door with a flourish. “Doctor?”
The one in the pinstripes grinned back at himself. “Doctor!”
Tuxedo soniced the lock on the door and they stepped outside, into the clutches of the guards posted outside the door.
*****
“Maybe this isn’t such a good idea,” Donna said as she and Rose approached the main gate.
“You know the Doctor,” Rose said. “He’s going to climb that tower and walk right into a trap. And if there’s two Doctors?”
Donna nodded. “They’ll do it twice as fast, won’t they?” She sighed and rang the bell. “Why didn’t I think of this before - just knock on the front door! ‘Hi, can I borrow a cup of Time Lord?’ What are we going to do when they answer the door?”
“Don’t know yet,” Rose answered with a grin. “The Doctor always makes it up as he goes along - so can we!”
The gate opened and they were greeted by a pair of large guards who glared down at them from under face-obscuring helmets. Rose felt a fleeting twinge of hope that both Doctors had somehow already escaped the castle and disguised themselves as guards to aid in their escape.
“Hi!” Rose sang with a bright smile, opting for the domestic approach at the last second.
They were snatched by the guards without another word and dragged to the dungeons.
“Oh, brilliant plan!” Donna snarked as her guard gave her a rude shove. She turned around in a fury. “Oi! I’m walking, aren’t I? Back off, if ya know what’s good for you!”
“It doesn’t usually go that way for the Doctor,” Rose said, hurrying along so she didn’t get pushed.
“No, he woulda gotten punched in the gob,” Donna said. “We’re just getting led to our deaths.”
“Nah,” Rose said, shaking her head. “If they were gonna kill us, they would have done it on the front porch. It’s probably dungeons for us, is my guess.”
“Oh, so much better than death. Slow death! That’s just wizard! Why did I listen to you? To hear ‘im talk, the sun shines out of your arse. And what do you do? Walk up, ring the bell, and get captured. I’ll tell ya this - you’re efficient!”
“Do you draw some sort of magical powers from bitching?” Rose snapped. “Cuz if you do, you should have enough built up by now to get us outta here!”
“Oh!” Donna shouted, lunging in Rose’s direction. The guards kept them apart and, thankfully, arrived at the door to the dungeon before the two women could say any more to each other. The guards opened the door and flung the two of them down the three stone steps, where Rose ended up in the arms of the Doctor in pinstripes, and Donna was caught by the Doctor in his tuxedo pants and shirtsleeves.
“Rose!” Pinstripes cried, throwing his arms around her and lifting her off the ground in a swirling hug. He was crying and kissing her, laughing and talking so fast Rose couldn’t understand him.
Donna just glared at Tuxedo. “See your plan worked out as well as Blondie the Wonder-Chav’s did.” She crossed her arms and leaned against the wall, poking her finger in the corner of her eye to hide the tears that had sprung up at seeing her Doctor so overcome with emotion.
“You look wonderful,” Pinstripes said. His voice broke as he smoothed Rose’s hair off her face. “Beautiful. I could just stare at you, all night.” He gathered her up into another embrace and buried his face in her hair. Rose only looked marginally confused. The Doctor she travelled with was nowhere near as outwardly expressive of his feelings for her. She wasn’t even certain he had feelings for her beyond the bounds of their flirty friendship.
“I got myself out of that room, didn’t I?” Tuxedo said to Donna as they stood back, leaning against the dungeon wall.
“Oh yes, you sure did. Well done - straight into the dungeon. You two are a match made in heaven, alright.”
“How come you’re not travelin’ with me anymore?” Rose asked. Pinstripes and Tuxedo looked at one another and both pushed up their right sleeves to show the one spot where they differed.
“Not the same Doctor,” Tuxedo said with a confident shake of his head. “Just like when we went to Pete’s world and there were two Mickeys and two Jackies and that extra Pete. Of course, there was no other Rose.”
“Unless you count the dog,” Pinstripes added with a shrug. His eyes met Tuxedo’s again and they held each other’s gaze for a long while.
Any further debate was cut short when the dungeon door swung open and a wizened woman dressed in haggard black robes came in, dragging a cauldron on wheels behind her.
Tuxedo Doctor’s eyes nearly popped out of his head. “How could you not know how to defeat her? Don’t you know what she is?” he pointed at the woman. “I name you! Carrionite!”
Pinstripes rolled his eyes, as did Donna. “He already tried that, you prawn,” Donna said, slapping her forehead.
“First thing I tried,” Pinstripes said. “I was hoping you’d be a bit more creative.”
“Well, that’s not really a witch,” Tuxedo said with a chuckle. “I mean, come on. All she’s missing is the pointy hat and the black cat. I can’t believe you let yourself get captured by a cliché!”
Pinstripes glared at him. Rose coughed once into her hand. Tuxedo looked at the ceiling as if it had suddenly become the most interesting thing in the room.
“Don’t mind me,” the witch said. “I’ll wait until you’re ready.”
“We’re ready,” Rose said. “Go ahead and kill us, or whatever you’re going to do.”
The witch looked from Tuxedo to Pinstripes and back again. “Do you know you two could be twins?”
“You’re kidding,” Tuxedo said with a smirk. “Never noticed before.”
“The time has come!” the witch went on, dragging the cauldron into the dungeon. “I want you for myself, Doctor. Maybe I will take your brother as well. You are either going to drink a draught of this potion, or your two girlfriends will spend the rest of their short lives as nannies in the barnyard.”
“Do I get to know what it’s going to do before I drink?” Pinstripes asked.
“It will make you fall in love with me,” the witch said. “You will see me as the most beautiful creature you’ve ever seen.”
“How many gallons will he have to drink for that to work?” Rose asked under her breath.
“The whole cauldron,” Tuxedo muttered back. The two of them dissolved into giggles.
“Oi,” Donna whispered. “That’s enough from the back of the class. This is serious.”
Tuxedo gave her a look. “This isn’t serious. Potions? Really? They don’t work. Watch.” He stepped up to the cauldron and excused himself. The witch stepped aside, looking befuddled, as Tuxedo dipped a rusty ladle hanging from the edge of the cauldron into the pot of bubbling blue liquid.
“Don’t!” Rose, Donna and Pinstripes warned, as he brought it to his lips and took a drink. The ladle fell out of his hands and clattered on the floor and he turned to look at Rose, his mouth open in wonder.
“Rose,” he sighed, reaching his hand out towards her.
“It worked,” the witch said, looking down into the cauldron.
“I thought you said potions weren’t supposed to work!” Rose cried.
Tuxedo had the most idiotically dreamy look smeared all over his face as he continued to stare at her. “When was the last time I told you how very much I love you?”
“Erm,” Rose said, backing away from him, “Never.”
His eyes glazed as he came close to her, took her into his arms. “My Rose. I love you more than anything in the universe. My beautiful darling girl.” He bent her backwards with a kiss, and when he let her up, her legs turned to jelly under her and she plopped down into the straw with a goofy smile. Donna reached down and helped her to her feet.
“Wow, that was so good I felt it,” Donna said, brushing the straw from Rose’s back. She plucked one long bit from Rose’s hair and popped into her mouth and gave it a good long chew before she realized that everyone else was looking at her. “What? Busy yourselves with the besotted alien git over there, why don’t you?”
The witch was peering up into Tuxedo’s face. “What do you feel for me?” she asked.
He quirked an eyebrow. “Honestly, not a thing. You still look like an apple somebody forgot at the back of the refrigerator for a month. But you,” he said, turning towards Pinstripes to give him the same dreamy gaze.
Pinstripes drew back, as ostrich-y as Tuxedo had been earlier with Donna. “What’s the matter with you?”
“I’ve just…never seen myself looking so beautiful,” Tuxedo said, staring into Pinstripe’s eyes.
“Oh, bloody hell,” Pinstripes said, taking a step backwards. Tuxedo caught himself in his arms and kissed himself. Pinstripes returned the kiss and for a moment the world was steeped heartily in awkward.
“Say…” Rose said, waggling her eyebrows.
Donna rolled her eyes. “Well, if Freud wouldn’t have a holiday with that one.”
“What’s a Freud?” the witch asked.
“Oh, never mind, you daft cow,” Donna said. She brought back her fist and punched the witch as hard as she could in the face and the witch went sprawling into the cauldron, knocking the rest of the potion into the dirt. The Doctors pulled apart from one another, each grabbed a girl by the hand, and out of the dungeon they ran. They raced past the guards and out the front door.
“That was easy,” Pinstripes said.
“Speak for yourself,” Donna cried, gasping for breath.
“No, no, let me!” Tuxedo put in with a laugh. “Get it? Oh, I’m clever, aren’t I?”
“Oh, sod off, clever chops!” Donna barked. “I think I broke my hand punchin’ Samantha back there. You know; Samantha, from ‘Bewitched?’ Never mind.”
They bolted for the forest, running in the direction where they had left the TARDIS. Pinstripes reached her first and they clambered inside. No sooner had Rose slammed the door shut than the engines started up without either Doctor initiating them and the ship disappeared to the sound of two Doctors shouting in aggravated confusion.
.
CHAPTER 3
“Woah, woah woah!” Pinstripes cried as he and Tuxedo ran to the console to try to stop the ship. “What’s going on here? Is she on automatic?”
“Automatic what?” Tuxedo snapped. The duo spent more time bumping into each other and pushing each other out of the way than doing anything to the controls of the ship.
Pinstripes pointed at the console. “Where. Is. She. Going?”
Tuxedo scowled. “I. Don’t. Know!”
Donna gave Rose a sideways look. “It’s bad enough when there’s one of ‘em, isn’t it?”
“Well, he likes to talk to himself anyway,” Rose said. “At least this way we can hear both sides.”
Before the argument could escalate into potentially paradox-causing fisticuffs, the TARDIS stopped and the doors swung open. They were on a rocky outcropping on a mountain, the bottom of which was indiscernible due to the thick ring of mist encircling it. The foursome stepped forward to look over the edge.
“What are we supposed to do now?” Donna asked. “Cast the ring back into the fire? Wait for the giant musical spaceship to come and talk to us? Should I be wary of bears trying to come over, to see what they can see?”
Tuxedo leaned back to look at her. “You’re a right handful, aren’t you?”
“You don’t know the half of it, mate,” Pinstripes said, shaking his head. “You should see the luggage.”
“Oi! Enough from the wonder twins!” Donna said. “What are we doing here?”
Rose tapped Donna on the shoulder. “Might have something to do with that great big cave over there, I’m guessin’.”
Tuxedo and Pinstripes each gave half-shrugs and held out their hands to their companions. “One way to find out,” they said, grinning at their respective counterparts.
“Quite right,” Rose said, taking Tuxedo’s hand as they grinned at one another and went off towards the cave.
Donna sneered at Pinstripes and grudgingly took his hand. “Onwards to death. If you get me killed, Time Boy, I won’t go anywhere with you again. Ever.”
Rose and Tuxedo were nearly to the entrance of the cave. “Are you all right?” Rose asked. “I mean, that stuff you drank isn’t still working on you, is it?”
Tuxedo smiled at her like a drowsy cow and sighed. “You mean absolutely everything to me, do you know that?”
Rose gave him an ingratiating nod. “Oh, sure. I know.”
“You’re the most important thing to me. You mean more to me than…the TARDIS!” he finished the sentence with something like awe, and Rose looked sharply up at him.
“I do?” she asked.
“Look,” he said, pointing into the cave. The other TARDIS was standing inside the cave, undamaged. Tuxedo laughed and elbowed Rose in the ribs. “I knew it! No dragon’s going to get the best of her, that gorgeous old girl. Look’a that!” Tuxedo pointed again for Pinstripes and Donna when they arrived. Donna made a little noise in the back of her throat.
“How did it get up here?” she asked.
“Emergency relocation protocol?” Pinstripes suggested. “The other TARDIS sensed itself and brought us here to find her, obviously. Let’s get going - it’s been lovely, other me, but we really must be on our way.”
“Nope,” Rose said, looking further inside the cave.
“Oh, I know, my love,” Pinstripes said, taking Rose’s hands. “It’s so hard to be apart again after all this time, but you’re still with me - you’re not even my Rose, remember? It will be all right. You’ll see.”
“No, you don’t understand,” Rose said.
“Believe me, it’s harder on you than it is on me,” Pinstripes said. He wiped at his eye with the heel of his hand.
“Wait a second - just listen,” Rose went on.
“No, it can’t be this way,” Pinstripes said, stepping away from her. “You’re you from another dimension. You belong with him, which is also me. I could never…”
“Doctor!” Rose snapped.
“Yeah?” Pinstripes asked.
“I’m trying to tell you that the TARDIS didn’t move itself. The dragon brought it up here.”
Pinstripes tilted his head to one side. “How d’you know that?”
Rose pointed into the cave. “Cos it’s right there.”
The dragon’s roar echoed against the walls of the cave and the foursome screamed at once and ran back to the safety of the other TARDIS. Rose and Donna sat in the jump seat to each catch their breath while the two Doctors shoved against one another to get a better look out the windows. Finally they stopped shoving and opened the doors to look outside. The dragon’s roar made them both wince and they ducked back inside, shutting the doors behind them.
“I have an idea,” Tuxedo said.
“Of course you do - I have the same one,” Pinstripes said. The two Doctors beamed at one another and ran out the doors before either Rose or Donna could protest.
“Doctor!” Rose cried, running after them. Donna caught her before she got to the doors.
“Did you see the size of the dragon out there?” Donna snapped, pulling Rose away from the doors. They heard the creature roaring and one of the Doctors shouting as if he were taunting the dragon. Rose yanked herself free from Donna’s grip and pushed the doors open in time to see the dragon bite down on Tuxedo Doctor’s right arm, just above the elbow. Rose ran outside and picked up the first rock she could find and hurled it at the dragon, hitting it close to its eye. The dragon snarled and dropped the Doctor only to swing its head towards Rose. She stood firm, back straight, glaring at the beast for all of three seconds before Tuxedo tackled her back inside the TARDIS and shut the doors.
The dragon roared with fury and started battering the outside of the ship, hard enough to rock it, but not hard enough to get through the defenses. Tuxedo made his way to the controls and started flipping levers, trying to keep pressure on his injured arm.
“What about my Doctor?” Donna screamed as the engines groaned to life. “He’s still out there!”
“Hang on!” Tuxedo cried, disengaging the handbrake as a swat from the dragon rocked the ship enough to knock them all off their feet. The TARDIS took off and once they were in the safety of the Vortex, Tuxedo breathed out a long sigh, and then roared with the pain in his arm. He stalked around the control console with his left hand clamped over the wound while Rose chased after him to try to help him.
“What happened to my Doctor?” Donna asked, looking at the doors as if she expected him to come walking in from out in the Vortex. “He got eaten, didn’t he? My poor Doctor.”
“He’s fine - ouch!” Tuxedo cried. Rose was tying a strip of cloth around his arm to help with the bleeding. “Oh, Rose! That’s my good scarf!”
“Do you want to bleed all over the floor?” Rose snapped. The Doctor looked at her, mollified, and shook his head, saying no more.
“What do you mean he’s fine?” Donna asked. “You left him out there!”
Tuxedo looked at Rose and winked at her. “Daft, isn’t she? Put two and two together, sunshine. I went out, he went out. Dragon came out of cave, after me, leaving cave and other TARDIS unprotected. Other Doctor went to retrieve other TARDIS.”
“You mean he’s all right?” Donna cried.
Tuxedo smirked at her. “Just a bit thick, are we?”
“But how are we going to find him?” she asked.
“Donna Noble, the TARDIS can travel through time and space. It’s bigger on the inside, it has defenses a gigantic dragon can’t get through, and can create spare rooms inside itself when necessary. Do you honestly think it doesn’t have a radio?” He tapped the monitor screen and a second later Pinstripes appeared on screen, waving at them.
“Well done, Doctor!” Pinstripes said.
“And you, Doctor,” Tuxedo answered. “All precious cargo safe and secure. Where shall we rendezvous?”
“I hear X-Clafec is beautiful this time of year,” Pinstripes said.
“Oi!” Donna cried, pushing Tuxedo out of the way so she could get her face in the viewscreen. “How about someplace a little less dangerous, like London during the Blitz?”
“No!” both Doctors and Rose cried at once.
“I’ve got it,” Tuxedo said, punching some information into the computer. “Sending you the coordinates now.”
Pinstripes looked at something in the corner of his screen and he grinned. “Excellent choice, Doctor. Couldn’t have done better myself.”
“See you in a few minutes,” Tuxedo said, shutting off the com.
“Where we going?” Rose asked.
Tuxedo shrugged, looking at the ceiling. “Let’s just say when you and I resume our yuletide festivities, we’ll have to say ‘Mele Kalikimaka’ instead of ‘Happy Christmas.’”
CHAPTER 4
The tide just reached the base of the two TARDISes that were sitting on shore of Malaekahana Beach on Oahu. The two Doctors, Rose and Donna were standing close by, looking out over the sea.
“Excellent choice for a rendezvous,” Rose sighed, closing her eyes to enjoy the ocean breeze.
“Well,” Tuxedo said, tugging on his ear. “I wanted Donna Noble to feel at home.”
Pinstripes snickered. “Stop that. It’s not funny.”
“Then why are you laughing?” Tuxedo shot back. The two Doctors made eye contact and chuckled.
“What’s the joke?” Rose asked. Tuxedo put his arm around Rose’s shoulder and pointed to a little island in the distance.
“See that there?” he asked. “That is called Goat Island.”
“Stop thaaat!” Donna said. She made a little noise at the back of her throat and looked at Pinstripes with wide, frightened eyes.
“You’ll be all right. Lingering effect of shapeshifting, should clear up in a day or so. I’ll make sure you don’t eat any tin cans between now and then.” He grinned at her and put his arm around her shoulders. She took the opportunity to punch him in the side.
“We should go,” Tuxedo said. He pointed at his arm. “I need to take care of this.”
Donna pointed at Tuxedo’s fresh wound, and then pointed at Pinstripes. “Does that mean you’re the same Doctor?”
Both Doctor shook their heads. “Total coincidence,” Pinstripes said, turning his eyes to the horizon.
“I bet if you jump across seven different universes, five of seven Doctors will have some sort of thing there. This arm has been sort of extra jeopardy-friendly since I regenerated,” Tuxedo said, joining Pinstripes in his evasive gaze.
“Still,” Pinstripes said, “might be wise to be safe rather than sorry.”
“I knew you were going to say that,” Tuxedo sighed. “Go ahead. Just leave some clues behind so I’m as prepared as I can be when I’m you.”
“What’s going on?” Rose asked.
“He’s going to take our memories, so in case we are the same Doctor,” Tuxedo began.
“Which I don’t think we are,” Pinstripes added.
Tuxedo nodded. “Nor do I. But, just in case, we aren’t going to remember anything that’s happened from the point Donna came to the TARDIS.”
“It’s for the sake of paradox,” Pinstripes went on. “If I know that I’m going to run into myself at some point in the future, then I’ll be prepared when I see myself, which I was, but I still won’t know when it’s going to happen, which I didn’t, or how it will all turn out, because believe me I hadn’t a clue how we were going to get out of all that.”
“Well explained,” Donna said, patting Pinstripes on the shoulder. “Nice and confusing.”
“So you won’t remember drinking that potion that made you fall in love with me?” Rose asked.
Tuxedo smiled gently at her and led her some distance away from Pinstripes and Donna. “That stuff didn’t work at all. I don’t know how she was able to turn Donna into a goat, but she couldn’t make a love potion to save her life. She wasn’t even a proper witch; probably has some sort of mutation from the effect of the weapons used in the X-Clafec war that allows her to key into DNA structures and manipulate them. But that’s not witchcraft; that’s just weird. It’s actually worth a second look, if you’d be interested-”
“So, all that stuff you said?” Rose cut him off. “You were faking?”
“I was faking when I kissed myself,” he said. “I wanted to create a distraction big enough to give us the opportunity to escape.”
“What about all that you said to me?” Rose asked. She realized that he was blushing.
“I couldn’t bring myself to just say it outright. Not without an excuse to hide behind. ‘Oh, that wasn’t me talking, it was the potion,’ something like that. But I meant every word of it, and more. I do love you, Rose Tyler. I’m just sorry you won’t remember.” He leaned in and kissed her, drinking in the moment for a long while before finally putting his hands on her temples and gently easing the memories out of their most recent adventures out of her head while still kissing her. She went limp in his arms and he brought her into the TARDIS, laying her on the jump seat, and then went back outside.
“It was nice to meet you, Donna Noble,” he said, shaking her hand.
“And you,” Donna said. “But I am glad there’s going to be just the one of you from now on. Two’s a bit much.”
“I still don’t think we’re the same man,” Pinstripes said.
“Nor I,” Tuxedo said. “But, better to be safe.”
Pinstripes came closer and put his fingertips on Tuxedo’s temples. “You ready?”
Tuxedo nodded. “Go ahead and-“
“What happened?” Rose asked. She was still dressed in her Mrs. Santa outfit, lying on the metal grating of the control room.
“I don’t know,” the Doctor said, massaging his forehead. There was also a twinge of pain in his right arm. When he went to rub that, he felt what appeared to be some sort of wound dressing under his tuxedo. “Must’ve had one daiquiri too many. I remember we were dancing, and then you popped the TARDIS out of neutral and it took off. Now, here we are. Maybe a bit of time sickness. You feel all right?”
“Yeah,” Rose said, sitting up. “We’ve stopped.”
“So we have,” the Doctor said. He got to his feet and helped Rose up and they walked together to the doors. “I wonder where she’s brought us.” He pushed the doors open and both of them gasped at the sight of the glorious Hawaiian sunset outside. The tide just came to the edge of the ship, and someone had decorated a nearby palm tree with colored fairy-lights and ornaments.
“Oh, very nice!” the Doctor cried, giving the doors a loving pat. “What a delightful Christmas present. I should have thought of this myself.” He took Rose’s hand and they walked out onto the beach. They got a few yards away from the TARDIS when the Doctor took Rose into his arms and bent her backwards with a kiss. When he was done her legs turned to jelly and she sank into the sand with a goofy grin on her face.
“What brought that on?” she asked as he helped her to her feet. “Not that I’m complaining.”
“I’m not sure,” he said, chuckling. “I’m going to blame the daiquiris.”
Rose nodded. “Could you blame them a few more times?”
“Yes I could,” he said, grabbing her and kissing her again. They sank into the sand, kissing as the tide washed gently over them and, not far in the distance, they were watched by another couple in a similar blue box.
“I look quite dashing when I kiss,” the Doctor said, leaning against the doors.
Donna smirked at him and tugged on his sleeve. “Come on, spaceman, you’ve enjoyed yourself long enough. Time to take me shopping. Just don’t let me buy a salt lick or a bale of timothy grass or anything.”
“No,” the Doctor said, shutting the doors. “That would be baaaad.”
“Oi!” Donna cried as their TARDIS disappeared. The Doctor on the beach raised his head from Rose Tyler’s lips for just a moment when he thought he heard the groaning of the TARDIS engines and the sound of someone getting slapped across the face.
From: timelord1
Title: Blame the Daiquiris
Characters and/or Pairings: 10th Doctor, Rose, Donna
Rating: Teen
Summary: The Doctor and Rose are in the midst of a Christmas party when the TARDIS takes them somewhere they are desperately needed, no matter how drunk they are.
Word Count: 9,070
CHAPTER 1
“I really can’t stay,” Rose sang, fluttering her eyelids towards the blue glow of the TARDIS engine. She was wearing a pink fuzzy Santa hat and matching short dress with a white marabou hem and pink and white striped stockings.
The Doctor slid up behind her, wearing a jauntily-cocked fedora and a tuxedo with a white silk scarf around his neck. He was holding a martini glass full of frozen banana daiquiri. “But, baby, it’s cold outside…”
Rose posed like a pinup, thrusting her bum in the Doctor’s direction, hands on her knees. “I’ve got to go ‘way…”
“But, baby, it’s cold outside…” the Doctor was doing his best Dean Martin, and frankly sounded better at being Dino than Dino himself. Rose paused in her part of the duet to take another long drink of the Doctor’s special eggnog. The TARDIS had provided a gigantic, real Christmas tree with glittering decorations all in her favorite shade of blue, and the Doctor had cluttered the floor under the tree with so many presents Rose couldn’t begin to count them.
“Your eyes are like starlight now,” the Doctor sang, his lips millimeters from Rose’s neck. She couldn’t get over what a beautiful singing voice he had; he sang just a hair deeper than he spoke, with a resonance that gave her goose bumps. If only he would make the move to push their relationship past the point of flirty friendship to a proper something else; something concrete, with snogging and sweet sentiments that she could hang on to with both hands. Sometimes the flirting, combined with the not knowing where she stood with him, was exhausting.
“That’s not the right part of the song,” she admonished, tugging on his scarf.
He tipped his fedora and waggled his head like the man he was impersonating. “Now you seehere, chicky. I wrote thissong and I’ll singittheway I wanna. Where’s Jerry? I want to beat the dickens outta that little guy,” he slurred, downing the rest of the daiquiri at one go.
Rose put her hand on the console to steady herself. “I think you’re drunk, Doctor.”
He pointed at her. “I think you’re drunk, Miss Tyler.”
“It’s that eggnog of yours. What’s in it?”
He shrugged; setting his martini glass down on what he thought was the edge of the console but which turned out to be a spot of thin air. The glass fell but did not break, thanks to a sudden jet of air from the bowels of the TARDIS that launched the glass upward so the Doctor could catch it.
“Eggs. And nog,” he said with a wink. “Also, cinnamon and nutmeg. Love cinnamon. Dance with me.” He took her into his arms and twirled her around the control console, executing a Fred Astaire-esque lift over the pile of presents to Rose’s squealing delight. When he set her down, he hesitated, his eyes focused on her lips. He pressed his own lips together, as if to restrain himself from making a wrong move, and flicked his gaze up into her eyes.
“Strawberry,” he said, his head falling to one side.
“What?” Rose asked.
“I imagine your lips would taste like strawberry, with that stuff all over them.”
“Do you want to find out?” Rose asked, leaning towards him, she tilted her head back ever so slightly, and he drew back from her.
He scoffed, his cheeks flaring with heat. “Time Lords are allergic to strawberries. Terribly so.”
“I figured you’d say as much,” Rose said. “Next time I’ll wear banana. You like bananas, don’t you, Doctor?” She slid backwards out of his arms, trying to be sultry, when the last drink of egg nog hit her and she fell against the control console and inadvertently threw all of her body weight against a lever. The TARDIS jerked out of neutral and tossed the Doctor and Rose to the ground as it zipped through the Vortex.
The Doctor lifted his head and smiled at Rose as she blew hair out of her face. “Oops,” he said, chuckling. Rose laughed harder and rolled onto her back. The Doctor got up and leaned against the console to look at the readouts on the monitor.
“Where are you taking us, my darling?” he asked, forcing his eyes to focus. He could have expelled the alcohol from his system and sobered instantly, but he didn’t want to. It was Christmas, after all. Well, on Earth it was probably mid-June or the 1950s, but it was Christmas according to TARDIS local time, so they were celebrating. He twisted a glittering green ball on the controls to try to slow her speed, but she appeared to be operating under her own control. No amount of poking, banging or lever-slamming made any difference.
“Where’re we going?” Rose asked as she got to her knees.
“She’s not telling,” the Doctor answered. “I’m not stupid enough to try and stop her. She’ll let us know when she wants us to know. You want to open presents while we ride?” His eyebrows danced coyly and he helped her to her feet, leading her over to the tree so she could sit near it.
“Hold on,” he said, stumbling a little as he dashed back to his bedroom. He came out with a Polaroid camera that looked like he’d snatched it from the 1970s, and probably had done. He twisted a flash cube into place and instructed her to smile. He snapped a picture and the camera groaned and spit out a piece of paper which he began to blow on and shake.
“You know that doesn’t make it develop any faster,” Rose said, leaning back on her elbows.
“Ah, humans and your digital poppycock,” he blustered, still shaking the picture. “This - this - is proper technology. Anticipation. Grainy photos with space at the bottom to write a message. Who needs a digital camera? There!” he showed her the picture.
“My phone takes better pictures than that,” she said with a giggle.
“Yeah, but can you write a message on your phone?” he cried, waving the photo in the air and scrounging the cluttered surface of the console until he produced a marker. “Come here, I’m going to teach you how to write in Gallifreyan.”
“You’re drunk!” Rose argued as she got to her feet and joined him.
“Onlyalittle,” he slurred, and then laughed in surprise at himself. “Well, maybe a bit more than a little. Anyway, come here. Draw a circle.” He put the marker in her hand and crossed his arms, tapping his feet. He pointed at the white space under the photo and made several encouraging grunts until Rose did as he instructed.
“Brilliant!” he cried, giving her a kiss on the cheek. She looked up at him and he cleared his throat, pointing back at the picture. “Now, put three small circles just inside there, all along the edge. And, now, a hexagon just there. Six sides.”
Rose closed one eye and smirked at him. “I know what a hexagon is, Doctor.”
“Course you do,” he said with a nod. “Then, do it. Put it - oh, well, you can put it there. That will work. Changed the meaning slightly.” He stopped and studied what she’d written and began howling with laughter, wiping his eyes and gasping for air. He kept pointing at her, but couldn’t say what was making him so hysterical for nearly a minute.
“Stop it!” Rose shouted at last, putting her hands on her hips. “What does it say?”
He closed his mouth and tried to make a serious face, but the laughter kept leaking out of the corners of his mouth. “It says ythre,” he said at last, with a little giggle.
“And what’s that mean?” Rose asked.
“Well, ythr is the word for…something that’s not nice. But when you put the e at the end, you make it cute. So, it’s sort of sweet in a weird way.” His composure dissolved into laughter again and Rose threw the marker at him. He threw up his hands to defend himself. “It’s your fault! You put the hexagon there. I was having you write something entirely different and you botched it.”
“What were you trying to make me write?” Rose asked, narrowing her eyes at him.
“I love you,” he said, shocked at the way he had said it so easily. His eyes widened and he went on talking. Stupid daiquiris - did I honestly need four? “In Gallifreyan, you know, ‘I love you’ doesn’t mean the same thing it does here. We have other phrases for that. It’s merely a term exchanged among very dear friends.”
“’Course it is,” Rose said, sighing. “Am I going to get to open any of these presents now?”
“Presents!” he cried, taking off his hat and tossing it so it landed at the top of the Christmas tree. He sat her down in the jump seat and inspected the pile of presents. Finally he dove in and pulled out a tiny box wrapped in holographic paper. “This one’s for you,” he said, placing it in her hands.
Rose pointed at the pile. “Aren’t they all for me?”
“Oh!” he cried with a laugh. “Aren’t you just spoiled? No, they are not all for you. Some of them are for me! You know what? You can’t have any of them.” He snatched the box out of her hands again and held it over his head. She jumped off the seat and tried to get the package back, squealing and laughing and swatting at him. They were so caught up in one another that they didn’t realize the TARDIS had stopped until they heard someone banging on the doors outside, and heard a woman’s voice with a thick London accent shouting at them.
“Doctor! Hurry up and open the bloody doors!”
The Doctor exchanged a confused look with Rose, then went to the doors and opened them a crack. The woman on the other side burst in, smashing the Doctor’s face with the door. She was filthy, her shirt torn, her thick red hair mostly falling out of what might have once been a tidy updo. There were bits of hay clinging to her everywhere. She fell against the doors to close them again and sighed heavily.
“Thank God you’re all right!” she cried, patting the Doctor’s chest. Her fingers caught the silk scarf and she pulled it off his neck and looked at him. “Why’re you dressed like that?” She looked at the tree and presents, and then her gaze fell on Rose. She wheeled around and grabbed the lapels of the Doctor’s tuxedo. “What. The. Hell. Are. You. Doing?! You left me there, thinking you were lost forever - and all this time you’ve been bouncing around in the TARDIS with the tart of the month? How could you do that to me?” She hauled off and slapped him across the face, the impact turning him so he hit the nearest coral strut.
“That’s it!” the Doctor roared, regaining himself. “Who the hell are you? I don’t even know you! And don’t you dare call my friend a tart. Get out!” He grabbed the woman by the shoulders and started to push her back through the doors.
“Oi! Don’t you dare put me back out there!” the woman cried, twisting out of his grip. She ran to the control console and gripped the edge. Her face softened as she studied him. “Doctor, you really don’t know me?”
“No!” he snapped, picking up his scarf from where she’d dropped it. The madwoman walked up to him and put her hand on his cheek, staring into his eyes. The intimacy of her gesture made him draw back like an ostrich, but he made no more effort to move away from her.
“What has she done to you?” she whispered, tears forming in her eyes. “It’s me - Donna Noble. Your best friend. Please remember me.” She threw her arms around him and hugged him, eliciting an awkward grunt from the still-tipsy Time Lord. He gave Rose a shrug and he got his system to start drawing the alcohol out of his bloodstream.
“Donna Noble,” he said, pronouncing the words together for the first time in his life. “I’m so sorry. I’ve never met you before.”
The redhead - Donna - shook with her tears as she clung to him. After several awkward minutes of her sobbing and the Doctor looking at Rose in utter bafflement, she lifted her head and wiped her face on his jacket.
“It’s all right,” she said with a sniff, holding her head high. “We’ll fix it. Now, ditch the blondie and let’s get you somewhere that we can fix your brain.”
“Hi,” Rose said, walking over with her hand extended. “I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m Rose Tyler. Who the hell are you?”
Donna clapped a hand over her heart and made a little squeaking noise. “Rose Tyler? The Rose Tyler?” she whirled around and beamed up at the Doctor, smacking his upper arm. “No wonder you forgot about me! Wait.” She moved her eyes back and forth, looking between the two of them. She finally held up one finger. “You know what I think this is? I think this is a miracle. A Christmas miracle, judgin’ from the way the two of you are dressed. Let me see.” She grabbed the Doctor’s jacket again and wrestled him out of it, then unbuttoned his right sleeve and pushed it up above the elbow. She turned his arm over, inspecting it, and then slapped his arm. He yelped and drew away from her, putting himself between Donna and Rose in case the ginger maniac got any ideas about slapping her.
“Ha! That proves it! This isn’t you!” She crowed with a laugh. “No wonder you two looked at me like I was seven kinds of cray-zay. ‘Who’s this nutter bursting in here getting all choked up and loony?’”
“Hang on!” the Doctor shouted, putting up his hands. “Just…stop talking for a second and let me get my bearings. What does my arm prove about anything?”
Donna pursed her lips and studied him. “I see that this version of you might be just a bit thick.”
“Oi,” he warned. “Why don’t you spend a little more time explaining yourself and a little less time being a-“
“Would you like to sit down?” Rose asked, gesturing to the jump seat. “You look like you’ve had a rough go of it lately.”
Donna sniffed, a tad melodramatically as far as the Doctor was concerned, and hopped into the seat, putting her feet up on the console as if she did it all the time. “Thank you,” she said, pointing the words solely in Rose’s direction. “He’s so right about you. Do you have a kettle on? ‘course you don’t. It’s been so long since I’ve had a good cup of TARDIS tea. Ever since the dragon.” She looked towards the doors and sniffed again.
“Dragon?” the Doctor asked.
“I’m going to make some tea,” Rose said.
“Rose,” the Doctor whinged as she went down the hallway to the kitchen. “Get one of those blue pills out of the infirmary while you’re at it!” he called after her. “Takes care of the alcohol.”
Donna simpered at the Doctor. “So much nicer than you,” she whispered.
“What about a dragon?” the Doctor pressed. “And where is…am…I? Your me. The Doctor that you know. Where is he?”
“Captured,” Donna answered, her face collapsing into a grim frown. “He sacrificed himself to save me. Now he’s with her, and who knows what she’s done to him by now.”
“How could you tell that he and I weren’t the same man by looking at my arm?” the Doctor asked.
“My Doctor has a scar just there,” Donna answered, pointing to a spot just below the Doctor’s elbow. “Wouldn’t tell me how he got it, but it’s pretty nasty. Said it happened a long time ago. Maybe in the Time War. Who knows? You don’t tell me much, you big, stupid alien.”
The Doctor shook his head, waving her chattering away. “What about the dragon? Where’s the TARDIS? And who is ‘her?’”
Donna smirked at him. “Of course I’m all right. Thank you for asking! It’s always nice to know how deeply you care about me.”
The Doctor frowned. “It’s awfully hard to care deeply about someone when you haven’t the faintest idea who they are!”
“Oh, you do sound like you, though,” Donna said. “Okay. So. We came to this lovely little dump of a planet for the pastries. Best sweeties in the universe, you said. Said their whipped cream would make me weep with joy when I tasted it.”
The Doctor perked up. “Is this X-Clafec, then? If it is, I was right. They’ve got this chocolate fondue, too, that you could just-“
“Drink right out of the bowl,” Donna finished with a roll of her eyes. “I’ve heard the commercial, Time Boy. Well, you got the time wrong, as usual, and this is way-post-apocalyptic X-Clafec. They’ve rebuilt society and have progressed as far as about the Middle Ages on Earth. Except that where all the legends of dragons and evil witches and potions and all that rubbish are just legends on Earth, it’s all real here! You said something about the kind of weapons they used in the war that destroyed the happy, Willy Wonka civilization changed their molecular somethingorother and made mutant lizards for dragons and that was about the point I stopped listening. You tend to prattle, you know.”
The Doctor screwed up his face, but said nothing aloud. Pot calling the kettle black, aren’t we?
“Anyway,” Donna went on, “So we arrived at this stupid town and this stupid witch saw you and decided she wanted you for her own personal play-toy. So, she put a spell on me, and turned me into a bloody goat - yes-I-said-goat - until you agreed to go with her to her castle and live there with her forever I can’t believe I’m saying this out loud because it sounds so flippin’ daft!”
Rose came back into the control room with a tea tray with three cups. She had also changed out of her Mrs. Santa outfit into a sensible pair of jeans, her trainers, and a T-shirt depicting the happy final scene from A Charlie Brown Christmas.
“I brought out some chocolate Hobnobs,” Rose said as she poured the tea. “I didn’t know if you were hungry.”
Donna simpered at the Doctor again and took the tea from Rose. “Thank you, Rose. You are as kind as he always says you are.”
The Doctor poured tea for himself and fixed a cup for Rose, gesturing for her to sit in the seat with Donna. “What about the dragon? And the TARDIS?”
Donna leaned over to Rose. “Thick, isn’t he?” She turned back to the Doctor. “Put two and two together, sunshine. Planet with dragons. We’ve got no TARDIS. I said ‘not since the dragon’ to you in regards to said TARDIS.”
The Doctor winced. “A dragon smashed the TARDIS.”
“To bits.” Donna answered. “Least, I think it did. We were running for our lives by then. That was before I got turned into a goat, by the way. Can we pause and examine the deep scarring I’m probably going to have after spending an hour as a goat? Once we’ve done that, we’ve got to figure out a plan to get you out of that castle.”
Rose’s eyes were wide as saucers. “That’s the last time I step out to make tea. Anybody want to catch me up?”
The Doctor sighed and smiled at her. “You’re better off, believe me.”
“What are we going to do?” Donna asked. “You have to help me. Only you can save…you!”
The Doctor shrugged. “That’s probably true. Which, it’s safe to assume, is why the TARDIS brought us here in the first place. Feel sober enough for an adventure, Rose?” he asked with a wink.
“Always,” Rose answered, clasping his hand. Donna took his other hand and let go when she saw the ostrich look on his face again.
“Sorry,” Donna said, plucking a piece of straw out of her hair. “Habit.”
“Right,” the Doctor said, leading them out the doors. “Allons-y!”
*****
“You look smart in that tuxedo,” Donna said as she led them through the woods where they’d materialized. “You never dress up for me.”
“So where are we going?” Rose asked, putting herself between the Doctor and Donna. It wasn’t that she was jealous, necessarily, but she just didn’t want Donna getting the idea that she could be overly familiar with the Doctor - her Doctor.
“The witch’s castle is at the other side of this forest.” Donna said. “I think she’s got you…him…in one of the towers. I see lights in one particular tower every night.”
“How long have I been up there?” the Doctor asked.
Donna frowned. “Three nights, I think. Time’s been sort of running together for me.”
They moved on in silence until they came to the edge of the forest. The castle was made of yellowed limestone, with one tower at either end of the structure. The Doctor regarded it for a while before turning to the two women.
“It’s not all that big, for a castle,” he said. “D’you know how well it’s guarded?”
Donna gave him a look. “Yeah, because I brought all my surveillance equipment with me because I knew the TARDIS was going to get smashed by a big flippin’ dragon! I was all kinds of prepared!”
Rose grinned and elbowed the Doctor in the ribs. “She’s got you pegged, wot?”
“It’s funny,” Donna said, glancing up at the tower. “The last thing he said to me before he went with the witch was ‘Wait, Donna. Just wait, and everything will be all right.’ I wonder if he knew you were coming, or maybe he sent for you.”
Rose smiled at the Doctor. “Sounds just like you.”
The Doctor nodded. “I suppose. The question is, how do we get in there to get me out? There’s also the question of paradoxes and such. I mean, if we are the same man, crossing timelines like this isn’t the wisest thing to do. I’d rather not destroy the universe if we can avoid it.” He studied the layout of the castle for a while, and then leaned against a tree to think.
“Sorry I acted like a total whacko,” Donna whispered to Rose. “I just thought the witch had done something to him to make him forget me.”
“It’s okay,” Rose answered. “You said you got turned into a goat. I think that allows you acting a bit nutty for a while.”
“Ugh,” Donna sighed, patting Rose’s hand. “I thought I had chin hair before. And let me just clarify that straw tastes exactly the way you think it would, and it’s disgusting. And it gets all stuck on the inside of your mouth. No wonder animals stand around chewin’ all day - they’re getting the crap off their tongue!” She stuck her tongue out and made a disgusted sound that sounded entirely too much like a baa. She and Rose exchanged a long look.
“Right,” the Doctor said, cutting into the moment. “I’m going to climb up that outbuilding there, go across the roof and scale up the side of the tower to get inside.”
“And what are we gonna do?” Rose asked.
“Wait here,” he answered. “I’ll go get me, we’ll all go back to the TARDIS and we’ll figure out what to do from there. Simple.”
“I hate it when you say that,” Rose growled.
Donna slapped Rose’s arm with the back of her hand. “So do I! It’s like he might as well say ‘Hey, this is going to end in horrible disaster - let’s go!’”
The Doctor frowned at the women and sneaked off towards the castle. When he was gone, Rose turned to Donna.
“I don’t know about you, but there’s only one thing he says that I hate more than ‘this is going to be easy.’”
Donna nodded. “’Stay here?’”
Rose grinned. “Yeah. Fancy an adventure, Donna Noble?”
“Say the word, Rose Tyler!”
They clasped hands with a laugh and headed to the front of the castle.
CHAPTER 2
There appeared to be no guards on duty outside the castle, so the Doctor had no trouble getting to the little building at the side of the nearest tower. He hopped up onto a barrel and scrambled onto the roof, then studied the uneven limestone of the tower itself. He wished he’d taken the time to change into one of his usual suits rather than scuff up his tuxedo pants, but there was nothing for it now. At least Donna had relieved him of his jacket in the TARDIS. He spit into his hands and started climbing, his mind buzzing with ideas for how he was going to rescue himself without causing a paradox.
He was just starting to think that perhaps he should have taken a bit longer to get a full picture of everything that was going on before he started climbing towers when he saw two things at once that made him both very annoyed and somewhat amused. From his vantage point on the tower, he could see Rose and Donna walking up to the front gate of the castle, hand in hand like a couple of schoolgirls on a lark. He had also arrived at the window of the tower room and could see himself shackled to a bed in the middle of the room. He was alone in the room, which was a plus, and he appeared to be sleeping. He’d never seen himself asleep before, and was glad to discover that he was rather angelic-looking when he slept. He climbed into the room, dropping to the floor, and approached the bed.
If there was some way he could get himself out of the room without waking himself up, that would be a handy deterrent to any potential paradoxes. The shackles were made of thick leather and iron chains, and he was bound at the wrists and ankles. At least the witch or whoever was holding him prisoner had let him keep his clothes. The Doctor took the sonic screwdriver out of his pocket and began working on the shackles, starting at the ankles. He had just undone the right wrist when he woke up and locked eyes with himself.
“Blimey,” the Doctor in the bed said. “What are you doing here?”
The Doctor shrugged. “Better phrasing would’ve been ‘What am I doing here,’ but I knew what you meant.” He soniced the last shackle and the Doctor in the bed sat up, rubbing his wrists.
“Where’s Donna?” he asked himself.
“With Rose,” the Doctor in the tuxedo answered.
“Rose!” the Doctor in the bed cried, getting to his feet. “She’s here? How did you find her?”
“We’re not the same man,” the Doctor in the tuxedo answered, pushing up his shirtsleeve to show the other Doctor his unscarred arm. “Parallel universes? Anyway, how did you lose her?”
The two Doctors eyed one another for a moment, understanding passing between them.
“We’re not going to-“ the one in the tuxedo began.
“Nope,” the one in the pinstripes finished.
They nodded to one another, reached out their hands to shake one another’s hand, then pulled back at the same moment.
“Paradox,” they said to each other at once. “Just in case.”
The one in the tuxedo gestured to the door with a flourish. “Doctor?”
The one in the pinstripes grinned back at himself. “Doctor!”
Tuxedo soniced the lock on the door and they stepped outside, into the clutches of the guards posted outside the door.
*****
“Maybe this isn’t such a good idea,” Donna said as she and Rose approached the main gate.
“You know the Doctor,” Rose said. “He’s going to climb that tower and walk right into a trap. And if there’s two Doctors?”
Donna nodded. “They’ll do it twice as fast, won’t they?” She sighed and rang the bell. “Why didn’t I think of this before - just knock on the front door! ‘Hi, can I borrow a cup of Time Lord?’ What are we going to do when they answer the door?”
“Don’t know yet,” Rose answered with a grin. “The Doctor always makes it up as he goes along - so can we!”
The gate opened and they were greeted by a pair of large guards who glared down at them from under face-obscuring helmets. Rose felt a fleeting twinge of hope that both Doctors had somehow already escaped the castle and disguised themselves as guards to aid in their escape.
“Hi!” Rose sang with a bright smile, opting for the domestic approach at the last second.
They were snatched by the guards without another word and dragged to the dungeons.
“Oh, brilliant plan!” Donna snarked as her guard gave her a rude shove. She turned around in a fury. “Oi! I’m walking, aren’t I? Back off, if ya know what’s good for you!”
“It doesn’t usually go that way for the Doctor,” Rose said, hurrying along so she didn’t get pushed.
“No, he woulda gotten punched in the gob,” Donna said. “We’re just getting led to our deaths.”
“Nah,” Rose said, shaking her head. “If they were gonna kill us, they would have done it on the front porch. It’s probably dungeons for us, is my guess.”
“Oh, so much better than death. Slow death! That’s just wizard! Why did I listen to you? To hear ‘im talk, the sun shines out of your arse. And what do you do? Walk up, ring the bell, and get captured. I’ll tell ya this - you’re efficient!”
“Do you draw some sort of magical powers from bitching?” Rose snapped. “Cuz if you do, you should have enough built up by now to get us outta here!”
“Oh!” Donna shouted, lunging in Rose’s direction. The guards kept them apart and, thankfully, arrived at the door to the dungeon before the two women could say any more to each other. The guards opened the door and flung the two of them down the three stone steps, where Rose ended up in the arms of the Doctor in pinstripes, and Donna was caught by the Doctor in his tuxedo pants and shirtsleeves.
“Rose!” Pinstripes cried, throwing his arms around her and lifting her off the ground in a swirling hug. He was crying and kissing her, laughing and talking so fast Rose couldn’t understand him.
Donna just glared at Tuxedo. “See your plan worked out as well as Blondie the Wonder-Chav’s did.” She crossed her arms and leaned against the wall, poking her finger in the corner of her eye to hide the tears that had sprung up at seeing her Doctor so overcome with emotion.
“You look wonderful,” Pinstripes said. His voice broke as he smoothed Rose’s hair off her face. “Beautiful. I could just stare at you, all night.” He gathered her up into another embrace and buried his face in her hair. Rose only looked marginally confused. The Doctor she travelled with was nowhere near as outwardly expressive of his feelings for her. She wasn’t even certain he had feelings for her beyond the bounds of their flirty friendship.
“I got myself out of that room, didn’t I?” Tuxedo said to Donna as they stood back, leaning against the dungeon wall.
“Oh yes, you sure did. Well done - straight into the dungeon. You two are a match made in heaven, alright.”
“How come you’re not travelin’ with me anymore?” Rose asked. Pinstripes and Tuxedo looked at one another and both pushed up their right sleeves to show the one spot where they differed.
“Not the same Doctor,” Tuxedo said with a confident shake of his head. “Just like when we went to Pete’s world and there were two Mickeys and two Jackies and that extra Pete. Of course, there was no other Rose.”
“Unless you count the dog,” Pinstripes added with a shrug. His eyes met Tuxedo’s again and they held each other’s gaze for a long while.
Any further debate was cut short when the dungeon door swung open and a wizened woman dressed in haggard black robes came in, dragging a cauldron on wheels behind her.
Tuxedo Doctor’s eyes nearly popped out of his head. “How could you not know how to defeat her? Don’t you know what she is?” he pointed at the woman. “I name you! Carrionite!”
Pinstripes rolled his eyes, as did Donna. “He already tried that, you prawn,” Donna said, slapping her forehead.
“First thing I tried,” Pinstripes said. “I was hoping you’d be a bit more creative.”
“Well, that’s not really a witch,” Tuxedo said with a chuckle. “I mean, come on. All she’s missing is the pointy hat and the black cat. I can’t believe you let yourself get captured by a cliché!”
Pinstripes glared at him. Rose coughed once into her hand. Tuxedo looked at the ceiling as if it had suddenly become the most interesting thing in the room.
“Don’t mind me,” the witch said. “I’ll wait until you’re ready.”
“We’re ready,” Rose said. “Go ahead and kill us, or whatever you’re going to do.”
The witch looked from Tuxedo to Pinstripes and back again. “Do you know you two could be twins?”
“You’re kidding,” Tuxedo said with a smirk. “Never noticed before.”
“The time has come!” the witch went on, dragging the cauldron into the dungeon. “I want you for myself, Doctor. Maybe I will take your brother as well. You are either going to drink a draught of this potion, or your two girlfriends will spend the rest of their short lives as nannies in the barnyard.”
“Do I get to know what it’s going to do before I drink?” Pinstripes asked.
“It will make you fall in love with me,” the witch said. “You will see me as the most beautiful creature you’ve ever seen.”
“How many gallons will he have to drink for that to work?” Rose asked under her breath.
“The whole cauldron,” Tuxedo muttered back. The two of them dissolved into giggles.
“Oi,” Donna whispered. “That’s enough from the back of the class. This is serious.”
Tuxedo gave her a look. “This isn’t serious. Potions? Really? They don’t work. Watch.” He stepped up to the cauldron and excused himself. The witch stepped aside, looking befuddled, as Tuxedo dipped a rusty ladle hanging from the edge of the cauldron into the pot of bubbling blue liquid.
“Don’t!” Rose, Donna and Pinstripes warned, as he brought it to his lips and took a drink. The ladle fell out of his hands and clattered on the floor and he turned to look at Rose, his mouth open in wonder.
“Rose,” he sighed, reaching his hand out towards her.
“It worked,” the witch said, looking down into the cauldron.
“I thought you said potions weren’t supposed to work!” Rose cried.
Tuxedo had the most idiotically dreamy look smeared all over his face as he continued to stare at her. “When was the last time I told you how very much I love you?”
“Erm,” Rose said, backing away from him, “Never.”
His eyes glazed as he came close to her, took her into his arms. “My Rose. I love you more than anything in the universe. My beautiful darling girl.” He bent her backwards with a kiss, and when he let her up, her legs turned to jelly under her and she plopped down into the straw with a goofy smile. Donna reached down and helped her to her feet.
“Wow, that was so good I felt it,” Donna said, brushing the straw from Rose’s back. She plucked one long bit from Rose’s hair and popped into her mouth and gave it a good long chew before she realized that everyone else was looking at her. “What? Busy yourselves with the besotted alien git over there, why don’t you?”
The witch was peering up into Tuxedo’s face. “What do you feel for me?” she asked.
He quirked an eyebrow. “Honestly, not a thing. You still look like an apple somebody forgot at the back of the refrigerator for a month. But you,” he said, turning towards Pinstripes to give him the same dreamy gaze.
Pinstripes drew back, as ostrich-y as Tuxedo had been earlier with Donna. “What’s the matter with you?”
“I’ve just…never seen myself looking so beautiful,” Tuxedo said, staring into Pinstripe’s eyes.
“Oh, bloody hell,” Pinstripes said, taking a step backwards. Tuxedo caught himself in his arms and kissed himself. Pinstripes returned the kiss and for a moment the world was steeped heartily in awkward.
“Say…” Rose said, waggling her eyebrows.
Donna rolled her eyes. “Well, if Freud wouldn’t have a holiday with that one.”
“What’s a Freud?” the witch asked.
“Oh, never mind, you daft cow,” Donna said. She brought back her fist and punched the witch as hard as she could in the face and the witch went sprawling into the cauldron, knocking the rest of the potion into the dirt. The Doctors pulled apart from one another, each grabbed a girl by the hand, and out of the dungeon they ran. They raced past the guards and out the front door.
“That was easy,” Pinstripes said.
“Speak for yourself,” Donna cried, gasping for breath.
“No, no, let me!” Tuxedo put in with a laugh. “Get it? Oh, I’m clever, aren’t I?”
“Oh, sod off, clever chops!” Donna barked. “I think I broke my hand punchin’ Samantha back there. You know; Samantha, from ‘Bewitched?’ Never mind.”
They bolted for the forest, running in the direction where they had left the TARDIS. Pinstripes reached her first and they clambered inside. No sooner had Rose slammed the door shut than the engines started up without either Doctor initiating them and the ship disappeared to the sound of two Doctors shouting in aggravated confusion.
.
CHAPTER 3
“Woah, woah woah!” Pinstripes cried as he and Tuxedo ran to the console to try to stop the ship. “What’s going on here? Is she on automatic?”
“Automatic what?” Tuxedo snapped. The duo spent more time bumping into each other and pushing each other out of the way than doing anything to the controls of the ship.
Pinstripes pointed at the console. “Where. Is. She. Going?”
Tuxedo scowled. “I. Don’t. Know!”
Donna gave Rose a sideways look. “It’s bad enough when there’s one of ‘em, isn’t it?”
“Well, he likes to talk to himself anyway,” Rose said. “At least this way we can hear both sides.”
Before the argument could escalate into potentially paradox-causing fisticuffs, the TARDIS stopped and the doors swung open. They were on a rocky outcropping on a mountain, the bottom of which was indiscernible due to the thick ring of mist encircling it. The foursome stepped forward to look over the edge.
“What are we supposed to do now?” Donna asked. “Cast the ring back into the fire? Wait for the giant musical spaceship to come and talk to us? Should I be wary of bears trying to come over, to see what they can see?”
Tuxedo leaned back to look at her. “You’re a right handful, aren’t you?”
“You don’t know the half of it, mate,” Pinstripes said, shaking his head. “You should see the luggage.”
“Oi! Enough from the wonder twins!” Donna said. “What are we doing here?”
Rose tapped Donna on the shoulder. “Might have something to do with that great big cave over there, I’m guessin’.”
Tuxedo and Pinstripes each gave half-shrugs and held out their hands to their companions. “One way to find out,” they said, grinning at their respective counterparts.
“Quite right,” Rose said, taking Tuxedo’s hand as they grinned at one another and went off towards the cave.
Donna sneered at Pinstripes and grudgingly took his hand. “Onwards to death. If you get me killed, Time Boy, I won’t go anywhere with you again. Ever.”
Rose and Tuxedo were nearly to the entrance of the cave. “Are you all right?” Rose asked. “I mean, that stuff you drank isn’t still working on you, is it?”
Tuxedo smiled at her like a drowsy cow and sighed. “You mean absolutely everything to me, do you know that?”
Rose gave him an ingratiating nod. “Oh, sure. I know.”
“You’re the most important thing to me. You mean more to me than…the TARDIS!” he finished the sentence with something like awe, and Rose looked sharply up at him.
“I do?” she asked.
“Look,” he said, pointing into the cave. The other TARDIS was standing inside the cave, undamaged. Tuxedo laughed and elbowed Rose in the ribs. “I knew it! No dragon’s going to get the best of her, that gorgeous old girl. Look’a that!” Tuxedo pointed again for Pinstripes and Donna when they arrived. Donna made a little noise in the back of her throat.
“How did it get up here?” she asked.
“Emergency relocation protocol?” Pinstripes suggested. “The other TARDIS sensed itself and brought us here to find her, obviously. Let’s get going - it’s been lovely, other me, but we really must be on our way.”
“Nope,” Rose said, looking further inside the cave.
“Oh, I know, my love,” Pinstripes said, taking Rose’s hands. “It’s so hard to be apart again after all this time, but you’re still with me - you’re not even my Rose, remember? It will be all right. You’ll see.”
“No, you don’t understand,” Rose said.
“Believe me, it’s harder on you than it is on me,” Pinstripes said. He wiped at his eye with the heel of his hand.
“Wait a second - just listen,” Rose went on.
“No, it can’t be this way,” Pinstripes said, stepping away from her. “You’re you from another dimension. You belong with him, which is also me. I could never…”
“Doctor!” Rose snapped.
“Yeah?” Pinstripes asked.
“I’m trying to tell you that the TARDIS didn’t move itself. The dragon brought it up here.”
Pinstripes tilted his head to one side. “How d’you know that?”
Rose pointed into the cave. “Cos it’s right there.”
The dragon’s roar echoed against the walls of the cave and the foursome screamed at once and ran back to the safety of the other TARDIS. Rose and Donna sat in the jump seat to each catch their breath while the two Doctors shoved against one another to get a better look out the windows. Finally they stopped shoving and opened the doors to look outside. The dragon’s roar made them both wince and they ducked back inside, shutting the doors behind them.
“I have an idea,” Tuxedo said.
“Of course you do - I have the same one,” Pinstripes said. The two Doctors beamed at one another and ran out the doors before either Rose or Donna could protest.
“Doctor!” Rose cried, running after them. Donna caught her before she got to the doors.
“Did you see the size of the dragon out there?” Donna snapped, pulling Rose away from the doors. They heard the creature roaring and one of the Doctors shouting as if he were taunting the dragon. Rose yanked herself free from Donna’s grip and pushed the doors open in time to see the dragon bite down on Tuxedo Doctor’s right arm, just above the elbow. Rose ran outside and picked up the first rock she could find and hurled it at the dragon, hitting it close to its eye. The dragon snarled and dropped the Doctor only to swing its head towards Rose. She stood firm, back straight, glaring at the beast for all of three seconds before Tuxedo tackled her back inside the TARDIS and shut the doors.
The dragon roared with fury and started battering the outside of the ship, hard enough to rock it, but not hard enough to get through the defenses. Tuxedo made his way to the controls and started flipping levers, trying to keep pressure on his injured arm.
“What about my Doctor?” Donna screamed as the engines groaned to life. “He’s still out there!”
“Hang on!” Tuxedo cried, disengaging the handbrake as a swat from the dragon rocked the ship enough to knock them all off their feet. The TARDIS took off and once they were in the safety of the Vortex, Tuxedo breathed out a long sigh, and then roared with the pain in his arm. He stalked around the control console with his left hand clamped over the wound while Rose chased after him to try to help him.
“What happened to my Doctor?” Donna asked, looking at the doors as if she expected him to come walking in from out in the Vortex. “He got eaten, didn’t he? My poor Doctor.”
“He’s fine - ouch!” Tuxedo cried. Rose was tying a strip of cloth around his arm to help with the bleeding. “Oh, Rose! That’s my good scarf!”
“Do you want to bleed all over the floor?” Rose snapped. The Doctor looked at her, mollified, and shook his head, saying no more.
“What do you mean he’s fine?” Donna asked. “You left him out there!”
Tuxedo looked at Rose and winked at her. “Daft, isn’t she? Put two and two together, sunshine. I went out, he went out. Dragon came out of cave, after me, leaving cave and other TARDIS unprotected. Other Doctor went to retrieve other TARDIS.”
“You mean he’s all right?” Donna cried.
Tuxedo smirked at her. “Just a bit thick, are we?”
“But how are we going to find him?” she asked.
“Donna Noble, the TARDIS can travel through time and space. It’s bigger on the inside, it has defenses a gigantic dragon can’t get through, and can create spare rooms inside itself when necessary. Do you honestly think it doesn’t have a radio?” He tapped the monitor screen and a second later Pinstripes appeared on screen, waving at them.
“Well done, Doctor!” Pinstripes said.
“And you, Doctor,” Tuxedo answered. “All precious cargo safe and secure. Where shall we rendezvous?”
“I hear X-Clafec is beautiful this time of year,” Pinstripes said.
“Oi!” Donna cried, pushing Tuxedo out of the way so she could get her face in the viewscreen. “How about someplace a little less dangerous, like London during the Blitz?”
“No!” both Doctors and Rose cried at once.
“I’ve got it,” Tuxedo said, punching some information into the computer. “Sending you the coordinates now.”
Pinstripes looked at something in the corner of his screen and he grinned. “Excellent choice, Doctor. Couldn’t have done better myself.”
“See you in a few minutes,” Tuxedo said, shutting off the com.
“Where we going?” Rose asked.
Tuxedo shrugged, looking at the ceiling. “Let’s just say when you and I resume our yuletide festivities, we’ll have to say ‘Mele Kalikimaka’ instead of ‘Happy Christmas.’”
CHAPTER 4
The tide just reached the base of the two TARDISes that were sitting on shore of Malaekahana Beach on Oahu. The two Doctors, Rose and Donna were standing close by, looking out over the sea.
“Excellent choice for a rendezvous,” Rose sighed, closing her eyes to enjoy the ocean breeze.
“Well,” Tuxedo said, tugging on his ear. “I wanted Donna Noble to feel at home.”
Pinstripes snickered. “Stop that. It’s not funny.”
“Then why are you laughing?” Tuxedo shot back. The two Doctors made eye contact and chuckled.
“What’s the joke?” Rose asked. Tuxedo put his arm around Rose’s shoulder and pointed to a little island in the distance.
“See that there?” he asked. “That is called Goat Island.”
“Stop thaaat!” Donna said. She made a little noise at the back of her throat and looked at Pinstripes with wide, frightened eyes.
“You’ll be all right. Lingering effect of shapeshifting, should clear up in a day or so. I’ll make sure you don’t eat any tin cans between now and then.” He grinned at her and put his arm around her shoulders. She took the opportunity to punch him in the side.
“We should go,” Tuxedo said. He pointed at his arm. “I need to take care of this.”
Donna pointed at Tuxedo’s fresh wound, and then pointed at Pinstripes. “Does that mean you’re the same Doctor?”
Both Doctor shook their heads. “Total coincidence,” Pinstripes said, turning his eyes to the horizon.
“I bet if you jump across seven different universes, five of seven Doctors will have some sort of thing there. This arm has been sort of extra jeopardy-friendly since I regenerated,” Tuxedo said, joining Pinstripes in his evasive gaze.
“Still,” Pinstripes said, “might be wise to be safe rather than sorry.”
“I knew you were going to say that,” Tuxedo sighed. “Go ahead. Just leave some clues behind so I’m as prepared as I can be when I’m you.”
“What’s going on?” Rose asked.
“He’s going to take our memories, so in case we are the same Doctor,” Tuxedo began.
“Which I don’t think we are,” Pinstripes added.
Tuxedo nodded. “Nor do I. But, just in case, we aren’t going to remember anything that’s happened from the point Donna came to the TARDIS.”
“It’s for the sake of paradox,” Pinstripes went on. “If I know that I’m going to run into myself at some point in the future, then I’ll be prepared when I see myself, which I was, but I still won’t know when it’s going to happen, which I didn’t, or how it will all turn out, because believe me I hadn’t a clue how we were going to get out of all that.”
“Well explained,” Donna said, patting Pinstripes on the shoulder. “Nice and confusing.”
“So you won’t remember drinking that potion that made you fall in love with me?” Rose asked.
Tuxedo smiled gently at her and led her some distance away from Pinstripes and Donna. “That stuff didn’t work at all. I don’t know how she was able to turn Donna into a goat, but she couldn’t make a love potion to save her life. She wasn’t even a proper witch; probably has some sort of mutation from the effect of the weapons used in the X-Clafec war that allows her to key into DNA structures and manipulate them. But that’s not witchcraft; that’s just weird. It’s actually worth a second look, if you’d be interested-”
“So, all that stuff you said?” Rose cut him off. “You were faking?”
“I was faking when I kissed myself,” he said. “I wanted to create a distraction big enough to give us the opportunity to escape.”
“What about all that you said to me?” Rose asked. She realized that he was blushing.
“I couldn’t bring myself to just say it outright. Not without an excuse to hide behind. ‘Oh, that wasn’t me talking, it was the potion,’ something like that. But I meant every word of it, and more. I do love you, Rose Tyler. I’m just sorry you won’t remember.” He leaned in and kissed her, drinking in the moment for a long while before finally putting his hands on her temples and gently easing the memories out of their most recent adventures out of her head while still kissing her. She went limp in his arms and he brought her into the TARDIS, laying her on the jump seat, and then went back outside.
“It was nice to meet you, Donna Noble,” he said, shaking her hand.
“And you,” Donna said. “But I am glad there’s going to be just the one of you from now on. Two’s a bit much.”
“I still don’t think we’re the same man,” Pinstripes said.
“Nor I,” Tuxedo said. “But, better to be safe.”
Pinstripes came closer and put his fingertips on Tuxedo’s temples. “You ready?”
Tuxedo nodded. “Go ahead and-“
“What happened?” Rose asked. She was still dressed in her Mrs. Santa outfit, lying on the metal grating of the control room.
“I don’t know,” the Doctor said, massaging his forehead. There was also a twinge of pain in his right arm. When he went to rub that, he felt what appeared to be some sort of wound dressing under his tuxedo. “Must’ve had one daiquiri too many. I remember we were dancing, and then you popped the TARDIS out of neutral and it took off. Now, here we are. Maybe a bit of time sickness. You feel all right?”
“Yeah,” Rose said, sitting up. “We’ve stopped.”
“So we have,” the Doctor said. He got to his feet and helped Rose up and they walked together to the doors. “I wonder where she’s brought us.” He pushed the doors open and both of them gasped at the sight of the glorious Hawaiian sunset outside. The tide just came to the edge of the ship, and someone had decorated a nearby palm tree with colored fairy-lights and ornaments.
“Oh, very nice!” the Doctor cried, giving the doors a loving pat. “What a delightful Christmas present. I should have thought of this myself.” He took Rose’s hand and they walked out onto the beach. They got a few yards away from the TARDIS when the Doctor took Rose into his arms and bent her backwards with a kiss. When he was done her legs turned to jelly and she sank into the sand with a goofy grin on her face.
“What brought that on?” she asked as he helped her to her feet. “Not that I’m complaining.”
“I’m not sure,” he said, chuckling. “I’m going to blame the daiquiris.”
Rose nodded. “Could you blame them a few more times?”
“Yes I could,” he said, grabbing her and kissing her again. They sank into the sand, kissing as the tide washed gently over them and, not far in the distance, they were watched by another couple in a similar blue box.
“I look quite dashing when I kiss,” the Doctor said, leaning against the doors.
Donna smirked at him and tugged on his sleeve. “Come on, spaceman, you’ve enjoyed yourself long enough. Time to take me shopping. Just don’t let me buy a salt lick or a bale of timothy grass or anything.”
“No,” the Doctor said, shutting the doors. “That would be baaaad.”
“Oi!” Donna cried as their TARDIS disappeared. The Doctor on the beach raised his head from Rose Tyler’s lips for just a moment when he thought he heard the groaning of the TARDIS engines and the sound of someone getting slapped across the face.