Time Crash/Voyage of the Damned
I... you know, I can't be stuffed thinking up prefatory remarks at the moment. Just be aware that you're in for a brief squeefest, followed by something generally positive, cos I honestly don't get the fandom's hatred for VotD. Is there something wrong with disaster movies starring the Tenth Doctor and homicidal robot angels? Cos if there is, I don't wanna be right.
Spoilers up through Journey's End. Also for the first ep of Sherlock.
This menu is so spoilerful. Shut up, Davros, seriously.
And... I'm gonna run for Special Features before this TARDIS-on-fire background starts freaking me out too much. Paradox machine or TARDIS-on-fire... which one's the most distressing menu design, IDEK. What do you lot think?
...The menu transition is the Titanic crashing through the wall?! What?
So... we start with Martha walking out: "I'll see you again, mister."
And Ten's smile slips off his face and he walks around the console, and... the TARDIS starts doing somersaults! And there's smoke and klaxons, and poor Ten, he thinks the TARDIS has gone and packed up on him too, doesn't he, especially when the time rotor freezes up.
"What was all that about, eh? What's your problem?" I love when he talks to the TARDIS, and this bit especially, that mixture of shock and concern in his voice.
And just as he leans over the console to start checking it out... someone else is there. Someone in cricket whites! Hello, Five! But they're both too worried about the TARDIS to even register at first that they just had to walk around each other, and then suddenly...
"What?"
"What?"
And they leave the console, and just stare at each other.
"What."
"Time Crash", in which the Doctor has a collision and attempts to give himself fashion advice
And now they start reacting differently - Ten with delight at an unexpected blast from the past - even if it means the universe goes bang in five minutes - and Five with utter confusion and mounting irritation at this skinny bloke in his TARDIS who won't shut up.
"Is there something wrong with you?"
"Oh, there it goes, the frowny face, I remember that one!" XD
You know what I keep saying about narcissism? Ten so loves himself. Although, considering how much he clearly adores Five, he probably doesn't like Six very much.
And Five's just patiently - well, impatiently, but still - waiting for the skinny bloke to stop, although Ten's leaving some pretty big clues to who he is, talking about the time differential, and "bit saggier than I used to be".
I love how his enthusiasm for the old outfit falters as soon as he gets to the...
"...stick of celery... well, fair play to you, not many men can carry off a decorative vegetable."
And that's when Five's patience runs out.
I love how Ten acts like he's gonna stop: "Oh. Sorry. Doc-tah." And then as soon as Five turns around, he's all "Ooh, the back of our head!" Oh, Five, if you haven't picked it up by now... also, the coral is awesome, shut up. Much better than your white thing that looks like it came out of a low-budget Star Trek episode.
And the brainy specs! "You don't even need them! You just think they make you look a bit clever!" This is pretty much what convinced me that Ten doesn't need them either. XP
So Ten's figured out exactly when this is and what's going on now, and it's time to just pull back and let Five work it out for himself. This is another ep that must be really weird for Ten, actually, though not nearly as frustrating as Blink. Because he knows this script as well, but since he remembers it from the other side, it's more like... now he's discovering why his future self was acting so weird, and he's rather enjoying being the one who knows the truth this time round.
I love him just leaning on the scanner so casually while Five freaks out, though. "That's a paradox. Could blow a hole in the universe the size of..." And Ten turns the monitor round to show him. "...well, actually, the exact size of Belgium. That's a bit undramatic, isn't it? Belgium?"
Out comes the sonic. "Need this?"
"Nah, I'm fine."
"Oh, no, of course, you mostly went hands-free, didn't you? Like, hey, I'm the Doctor, I can save the universe using a kettle and some string, and look at me, I'm wearing a vegetable." Even Ten can't resist digging at himself, it's kind of adorable.
And now Five's getting a horrible feeling: "Who are you?"
"Take a look." Oh, Ten, you'd love it to work this time, wouldn't you?
"Oh. Oh, no."
"Oh yes."
"You're - oh no."
"Yep, here it comes, yeah, I am."
"A fan."
"Yeah - what?"
And now it's Ten's turn to go ballistic: "What do you mean, a fan? I'm not just a fan, I'm you!"
But Five thinks he's got it worked out now: "I go zooming around space and time, saving planets, fighting monsters, and being, well, to be honest, pretty sort of marvellous," and I love Ten's look of "Yeah, I know, we are brilliant, aren't we?", and obviously people notice and start up fanclubs, and he's heard of LINDA, which is interesting...
Ten doesn't know what to say to him about LINDA, though - well, he can't say anything, Five doesn't need to have to decide whether he should go back and try and save them.
But he's still got to convince him: "Check out this bone structure, Doctor, cos one day, you're gonna be shaving it."
Then the Cloister Bell starts up, and playtime's over: "Yup, right on time, that's my cue!" And he runs to the console to start fixing it, with just a brief, rapidfire explanation to Five that he forgot to put the shields back up - hence the Titanic being able to get through - which allowed the TARDIS to collide with herself, "end of the universe, butterfingers", and look at Five's face, this is when he actually starts to believe Ten could be who he says he is.
"But don't worry, I know exactly how this all works out." And he goes on to show him every step in turn, and it's perfectly set up, this bit, because he has to do it quickly enough to get the timing right, but slowly enough for Five to memorise it - and be able to remember it five regens later.
"But you'll blow up the TARDIS!"
"I know I have."
"Who taught you that?"
"You taught me that." In a way, that's true, actually. Everything Ten knows from before Born Again comes from his earlier selves.
Explosion cancels out implosion!
And Five's impressed, and suspicious. "Far too brilliant. I've never met anyone else who could fly the TARDIS like that!"
I love Ten's derisive sniff. "Sorry, mate, you still 'aven't."
"You didn't have time to work all that out! Even I couldn't do it!"
"I didn't work it out." And he looks back at him. "I didn't have to." And finally Five gets it.
"You remembered. ... You only knew what to do because I saw you do it!"
Just enough time for a failed high-five before the TARDISes are separating again... poor Ten. He's so triumphant, and for the first time he and Five are actually connecting, and then he gets slapped in the face with how big the gap really is between them.
He's still got to do a bit of reminiscing, though:
"Where are you now? Nyssa and Tegan?" Doesn't mention Adric... well, he wouldn't want Thirteen to show up and mention Donna, would he? "Cybermen and Mara and Time Lords in funny hats and the Master? Oh, he just showed up again, same as ever."
"Oh no. Really?" Five doesn't sound that bothered by it, though. Mind you, Ainley!Master was more suave and less crazy, but still. "Does he still have that rubbish beard?"
"No, no beard this time. Well, a wife." XD This is tied with "a kettle and some string" for my favourite line in the whole ep.
Five doesn't get time to react to it before he starts to fade, though. But Ten brings him back to give him back the hat and a few nice words, cos poor Five gets dumped on by the others all the time, he could really use some love from himself.
"When I first started, I tried to be old and grumpy and self-important, like you do when you're young. But then I was you, and I was all dashing about, playing cricket, my voice going all squeaky when I shouted, I still do that! I got that from you!"
And it's about here that it stops being Ten and Five and becomes David and Peter instead, but I don't care, they're brilliant. *snuggles them both*
And even with the reminder from Five, Ten still doesn't get the shields back up before the Titanic hits him.
And off we go into the Christmas special!
Next: Voyage of the Damned, featuring Richard Bucket and some singer that Tegan probably likes...
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So Five's just left, Ten's wandering sombrely around the console pressing buttons, and the Titanic crashes through the hull - this is the third time we've seen this by now, so the three "What"s are starting to feel appropriate in a whole new way.
But finally he goes into action, pulls the TARDIS off the ship's hull and lands her properly in a... cargo hold, I think. And out he comes into the dining hall, with the slowest version of Jingle Bells playing that I've ever heard. Kylie walks past with a tray, Bannakaffalatta's in the midst of conversation with someone, but the Doctor's not really paying attention to either of them yet, he's busy taking in the setting, giving the Host weird and suspicious looks - okay, it's been over a year for him since the Weeping Angels tried to eat him, but it's been centuries since Logopolis and he's not over that either.
And he goes out to the window and: "Riiight."
And then we get to see what he's looking at, as the camera pans out to show... the Starship Titanic in orbit around Sol III. "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Christmas."
Is this the first opening we've had with no introduction of the actual threat? I suppose we don't need one, really, considering, one, as Wilf's gonna point out soon enough, it's Christmas, and we know what the Doctor's Christmases are like, and two, the ship's called Titanic. No writer ever names a starship Titanic unless something terrible's gonna happen to her.
"Voyage of the Damned", in which the Doctor flirts with bad luck, Astrid Peth visits an alien planet, and Wilfred Mott stands his ground
Have they changed the bass line again? Yeah, they definitely have, it's louder and the rhythm's a bit different. And back to driving the 4/4 beat home again a bit more than last season... And Kylie Minogue's in the credits, for the first and final time. But Bernard Cribbins isn't and that makes me a bit sad.
I know the captain. I keep forgetting where from, though, and there's Alonso! Allons-y, Alonso! (Also, run, I saw a pack of angry Ianto fans coming this way.) All the crew get sent off the bridge, except the captain and Alonso. "It's only a level 5 planet down below, they don't even know we're here." I love this bit. Alien perpsctive on humans that doesn't feel like it comes out of Plan Nine From Outer Space.
"Silent Night, I think they call it. A silent night." Ngl, people taking Christmas song lyrics and making them ominous is one of my favouritest things ever. XD
Max's ad thing... is incredibly annoying.
Oh, gods, the music in this scene. I loathe country music and I hate Winter Wonderland, so the combination... ugh. But the Doctor's in too good a mood to be brought down by bad music, cos he's at a Christmas party and nothing bad's happened yet! He's also the only person on the ship who actually knows what Christmas is, which is fun too... XD
The annoying bloke whose name I can't be bothered remembering is on his phone doing business. You're at a Christmas party, you nit! Go dance with a girl! Or a boy, whatever.
Meanwhile, the Doctor's changed his clothes - the tux, Ten? Really? The "something bad always happens when I wear this" tux? On Christmas? You're just asking for something to go wrong - and he's pestering an angel - the passenger information system, as it turns out, which is good cos automatons ask less questions about you asking stupid questions than living people do. I love how he still tries to cover, though. "Tell me, cos I'm an idiot - where are we... from?" Mind you, the Host could be more sentient than they look, so probably better to be careful anyway...
The Titanic's on a cruise to experience primitive cultures. Which is a bit condescending, really, but then any culture is when meeting a people they consider less advanced... I dunno.
But the Doctor's more concerned about the name:
"Titanic. Who - thought of the name?"
"Information: it was chosen as the most famous vessel of the planet Earth."
"Did they tell you why it was famous?" And this is the line where I fall in love with this ep all over again. XD
The angel starts to tell him that Max chooses all the names, but breaks down before he can pursue his line of questioning any further.
And a lot of them are breaking down, and the crew don't know why. But I'll bet Max does.
"If you can't fix them, throw them overboard." Only I don't think they're gonna let you do that...
With his angel gone, Ten has to find someone to annoy. And look, a pretty blonde waitress being yelled at by Douche Boy. So the Doctor goes to cheer her up and get some info at the same time. "If you want to know what's going on, work in the kitchens", after all.
And he won't let her call him "sir", which she appreciates. She seems happy that he's not with anyone, too.
The staff aren't allowed shore leave, and I don't care about the insurance issue, that's just wrong. What's the point of getting a job on a starship if you can't go explore another planet every once in a while?
"I used to watch the ships heading out to the stars, and always dreamt of - it sounds daft." She's so embarrassed, poor Astrid.
But the Doctor understands: "You dreamt of another sky. New sun, new air, new life - the whole universe teeming with life. Why stand still when there's all that life out there?" And that's definitely a seduction, and here's yet another AU I want. (I mean, not with shippiness, necessarily (although I wouldn't object too strenuously, as long as they didn't try to claim he didn't love Rose and/or the Master). Just Astrid as a companion. And on the page, people can't complain about Kylie's acting, which I liked anyway, so nyer. XP)
"So you travel a lot." She's so awkward here, she really doesn't want to acknowledge how deeply they're connecitng, and it's sort of cute.
"All the time! Just for fun. Well, that's the plan. Never quite works." Just the bits in between, huh? Yeah, right. He's still scouting her as a companion, though, and I love his grin at the "never quite works". Doctor/Trouble is obviously the OTP here, who's with me?
"Must be rich, though."
"Haven't got a penny." And he loves being able to admit this to her: "Stowaway."
"You're kidding."
"Seriously!"
"No!"
"Oh yeah."
"How'd you get on board?"
"Accident. I've got this... sort of... ship... thing." He's always so awkward about mentioning the TARDIS, it's weird. "I was just rebuilding her, left the defences down, bumped into the Titanic. Bit of a party, I thought why not?"
"I should report you."
"Go on, then." But he knows she won't.
And so does she. "I'll get you a drink. On the house."
And here are the competition winners. Morvin and Foon, upset cos the other passengers are mocking them. "They think we should be in steerage." I love the Doctor's face at that. To be honest, the line weirds me out to ridiculous degrees, because YES THEY THINK YOU SHOULD BE IN STEERAGE ON THE TITANIC AND DIE.
So he messes with the other table's champagne cork - simple but funny, and with much less in the way of consequences than when he did it to Borusa on parent/teacher night and got 6 months of detention. (Mostly cos Ushas dobbed him in, but it was still worth it.)
"They must be enormous, these buffalo. So many wings!" *pats Foon* I'd have thought - if I didn't know what a buffalo was, that is - that they just got each batch from lots of buffalo. But maybe they have birds with multiple pairs on Sto.
A batch of passengers are called for a trip to Earth, and the Doctor likes Morvin and Foon, so he decides to go with them. "Are you red-6-7?" "Might as well be."
Meanwhile, Alonso's picking up approaching meteors on the bridge, and the captain's still being ominous: "She's an old ship, full of aches and pains." Yeah, so's the TARDIS, but you don't see the Doctor throwing her into a meteor storm for the insurance.
He dismisses the meteors as normal...
I like that this Titanic's old, though, that she's obviously been in service for a long time. Nice to know she actually got to live out her life before being trashed.
Mr Copper! XD
And Ten uses the psychic paper to get him and Astrid on the tour.
"I shall be taking you to Old London Town, in the country of Yookay, ruled over by Good King Wenceslas." And this is where the Doctor starts to go WTF again. Have I mentioned I love how Earth is basically the alien planet in this ep, and the Doctor's the only one who knows anything about it?
"Now, human beings worship the great god Santa, a creature with fearsome claws, and his wife Mary. And every Christmas Eve, the people of Yookay go to war with the country of Turkey. They then eat the Turkey people for Christmas dinner." This is a bit Ford Prefect, actually. Cos I can see exactly how you could get some of this stuff confused if you were an alien and didn't do your research properly.
And Ten's got to interrupt:
"Um, excuse me. Sorry - sorry, but where did you get all this from?"
"Oh, I have a first-class degree in Earthonomics!"
Bannakaffalatta runs up late, and the Doctor protests that he'll stick out:
"No offence but you'll cause a riot!"
But in the middle of him explaining why the streets'll be full of people, they beam down... to an empty street.
Mr Copper's unconcerned, except that: "Any day now, they start boxing!"
But Ten's worried. "It should be busy, something's wrong."
Astrid's concerns are elsewhere, though: "It's beautiful."
"Really? Do you think so? It's just a street! The pyramids are beautiful, and - New Zealand." Has he been to New Zealand, do you think, or did he just see it in Lord of the Rings? Oh, I hope there are outtakes of this bit, I wanna know if Kylie makes faces at him for praising NZ in front of her.
"But it's a different planet. I'm standing on a different planet, there's concrete, and shops, real alien shops and - no stars in the sky. And it smells." And this is what companions are for, isn't it? Cos he knows London and it's just London, but to her it's amazing and new and wonderful, and oh, Astrid... *snuggles her*
Ten goes to a paper vendor on the street to ask why no one's about, and it's Wilf! *glomps Wilf* "Not safe, is it?"
"Why?"
"Well, it's them, up above!" And at last, people are starting to notice things. But the Queen is stubbornly staying in London, and the Doctor still thinks nothing's actually gonna happen... until they get beamed back up without warning because of... power fluctuations? Uh-oh.
"What sort of power fluctuation?"
They're turning broadside on to the meteorites, and drawing them in, would be utterly moronic if someone wasn't trying to destroy the ship, so of course Alonso's starting to work out something's wrong.
Oh, this song... I need to go find out what that is, cos I'm liking the lyrics here:
"'You shouldn't be here, what's your tale? I ought to throw you to the whale!' He just smiled and said, 'Come here, let's dance!' He said, 'Borrow or steal, I'll find a way to be with my lover upon Christmas Day, and I'll run and I'll roam, I'll cover the ground, this Christmas I'll see you, I'll be around."
And there are so many layers I can see in this I can't even...
[And now that I've looked it up... it's written by Murray Gold. So that'd be why.]
Back at the party, the Doctor's attention is caught by the holo of Max on the wall... and he uses it to hack into the sensors.
Old-style naval whistles on the bridge, I love it! XD
Ten calls the bridge to warn them about the meteors and the lack of shields, and the captain calls security on him. Alonso looks, though - and tries to back him up, but the captain already knew. "They promised me old men. ... On the crew. Seadogs, men who'd had their time. Not boys."
The Doctor escapes from security for just long enough to grab the mike from the singer and try to warn the passengers, and keeps yelling "Look out the windows" even as they recapture him and drag him off. I love how he doesn't even waste time on a "Let me go", he just keeps trying to spread the word. And the purple couple try to get him released, "He's just had a bit too much to drink", while Mr Copper starts to connect it to the fact there's something wrong with the teleports...
Douche Boy notices a rock crash through the window, though, and goes for an angel. "You there, has anyone checked the external shielding?"
"Information: you are all going to die."
Meanwhile, Ten's being dargged to the brig, with Astrid following and trying to argue with them. *hugs her*
Alonso tries to take in exposition through the shock of having been shot. The captain's dying of cancer, but they offered him money for his family to sabotage the ship and kill everyone. Hey, hold on, didn't Moffat use this plot in Sherlock? *waits for someone to say RTD stole it from him in the future*
The bigger meteors start hitting the ship... it's all very big and dramatic, but without the OMGWTF factor of an iceberg scraping along the side, somehow. And the ship stops (bad RTD, go review Newton right now), allowing the passengers to start recovering. "Bad name for a ship. Either that, or this suit is really unlucky." Or both. You know, suddenly it occurs to me that wearing the tux on a ship called Titanic is quite probably yet another suicide attempt. At least this one seems to be unconscious.
And the Host are waiting.
Oxygen shielding's down, as the steward discovers. Poor bloke. The Doctor restores it in time to save the rest of them, but not quickly enough to stop Douche Boy's caustic remark when Ten asks if he's alright:
"No thanks to that idiot."
"The steward just died!" Astrid, who actually has a heart, thankyou.
"Then he's a dead idiot."
And isn't it funny how everyone else in that corridor's already had personal contact with the Doctor. Oh, well. A certain amount of contrivance is necessary in disaster movies, isn't it?
The Doctor thinks he can save everyone if he can just get them back to the TARDIS, except... she's been blown into space and there she goes, falling towards Earth.
"It's a bit small."
"Bit distant." Oh, the layers here, cos isn't there a bit where he tries to use perspective to explain the TARDIS' dimensions to Leela? "Trouble is, once it's set adrift, it's programmed to lock onto the nearest centre of gravity. And that would be... the Earth." Okay, that bit's a bit stupid. What if the nearest centre of gravity was the sun? Listen, Ten, I know you don't want to remember 42 anymore than the fandom does, but you should have learned from that.
Odd how she flies straight for Britain, though. XD
And the Host's only remaining function is to kill. Just to finish off everyone who survived the crash.
Ten calls the bridge, and is delighted to get a response from Alonso: "Ooh, hello, sailor! Good to hear from you up there." No, hold on, three-person TARDIS team is what I want in this AU. Definitely.
Alonso's alone on the bridge, the captain's dead. "He did it. He shut down the shields, and there was nothing I could do, I tried, I did!" Those speech patterns sound familiar? No wonder the Doctor thought he'd be a good match for Jack, if only for a night.
Ten calms him down and asks about the engines... and figures out Alonso's injured, even though Alonso's trying to hide it.
And if they hit the planet, the nuclear storm drive explodes and wipes out all life. As if we needed any more trouble.
Oh, here comes the list!
"One, we are gonna climb through this ship. B - no, two, we are gonna reach the bridge. Three, or C, we are gonna save the Titanic. And, coming in a very low four, or D, or that little iv in brackets they use in footnotes, why?"
And Douche Boy asks who he is to take charge, and I bet he loves being able to use this line for once:
"I'm the Doctor. I'm a Time Lord. I'm from the planet Gallifrey in the constellation of Kasterberous. I'm 903 years old, and I'm the man who's gonna save your lives and all 6 billion people on the planet below. You got a problem with that?" And he needs to say it, too. He's still recovering from the Master's death, and he needs to reaffirm who and what he is.
"No."
"In that case... allons-y!"
Mr Copper thinks Christmas is a time of violence and thus their predicament is utterly appropriate: "Human beings only survive depending on whether they've been good or bad, it's barbaric!" No, that would be fairy tales, try again.
"Actually, that's not true. Christmas is a time of peace, of thanksgiving, and - what am I on about, my Christmases are always like this." Yeah, but all your days are like this, so...
They find an angel, and Ten has the oh-so-brilliant idea of trying to fix it. To be fair, he doesn't know what they've been doing...
"Can I just call you Banna, it'd save a lot of time."
"No! Bannakaffalatta!"
"Alright, then, Bannakaffalatta." See, Romana, you should have had this converstion with him in the middle of a crisis when he didn't have time to argue. Although, he still would have used it as an example later on of why he should shorten it anyway, so never mind.
Ten's getting the hang of how to deal with Douche Boy, though: "Shut up!"
Foon dialled the competition line 5000 times. Doesn't matter that they'll never pay it off, though, cos they're in a disaster movie having a romantic moment and aren't the alpha couple, and that's gotta be the kiss of death.
And here's where Astrid finds out Bannaka - you know what, it's too long to type every time when this ep is taking me forever to recap anyway, I'm just gonna call him Fred. Anyway, Fred's a cyborg, and won't tell anyone cos they're an oppressed minority. Only:
"Things have changed now. Cyborgs are getting equal rights. They passed a law back on Sto, you can even get married." You know, I do have a lot of fondness for the stealth form of the Gay Agenda. The "have you tried not being a mutant?" approach. And I like that it can show up even in a show that has a more explicit Gay Agenda as well, because it's that little bit broader.
"Marry... you?"
"Well, you can buy me a drink first." This is so cute. XD
Alonso's trying to coordinate rescue efforts from the bridge, find the scattered survivors and guide them out. But the Host are picking them off.
And the Doctor works it out just as they get the angel on the stairs working again.
I love how he apologises to Morvin for being forward as he pushes him through the gap. XD
Oh, but they can still learn things from it: "Information override! You will tell me the point of origin of your command structure!"
"Information: Deck 31."
Alonso - looking rather spry for someone who just got shot, I'm gonna put that down to alien physiology and the captain being a bad shot - has had to seal himself off on the bridge to keep out the Host. But he's able to tell the Doctor that Deck 31 is down below, a storage deck. "It's where we keep the robots."
But there's something hidden down there - an area none of the scanners can penetrate. "Something I am forbidden to see", to quote Eliot since he's in the tux and all.
Astrid brings him food.
"You look good for 903."
"You should see me in the mornings."
"Okay." I love how she doesn't even pause. Even though she's cheating on Fred. They only just got engaged and now she's cheating. Honestly, Astrid!
The look he gives her, though... cos remember, no gaps between LotTL and this, he only just got dumped three times and now she's like "Yeah, course I'll go away with you in your tiny box. And also I want to snog you. But you can't call me Rose and ask me to speak Cockney cos that would be creepy."
Mr Copper decides it's after midnight... and therefore Christmas Day! But Astrid doesn't know what it's about.
"It's a long story. I should know, I was there." He claims to be at Easter, too, WHAT IS THIS TEN ARE YOU STALKING JESUS? DO YOU STALK MOSES AND MUHAMMAD AND BUDDHA AND LAO TZU AND CTHULHU AND THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER ALSO?!
Mr Copper wonders why they can't call for help from Earth: "They could send up a rocket!"
"They don't have spaceships." Oh, I dunno, the Valiant? Although, I suppose exposing this lot to UNIT isn't the best idea. Also, if you let Churchill keep his gravity bubbles later you can avoid thi- wait, no, encouraging you to change history is a bad thing, never mind.
"No, I've read about it, they have - shuffles. Space shuffles."
And now he's got to ask: "Mr Copper, this degree in Earthonomics, where's it from?"
"Honestly?"
"Just between us." Ten's a stowaway, after all, who's he gonna report him to?
"Mrs Golightly's Happy Travelling University And Dry-Cleaner's." I... sort of love that. Especially the "travelling" bit. How do you have a travelling university? Ooh! Unless you have it on a spaceship, and then you can do field-trips all over the universe, and you can just go pick up students from whatever place they come from and drop them back wherever they wanna go when they've got their degree and they get to live ON A SPACESHIP and, okay, I'm sort of in love with this idea now. Only I wouldn't throw in a dry-cleaner's.
And he lied to the company because he reached retirement and had nothing. "And Earth sounded so exotic."
I love Ten's expression here: "I suppose it is, yeah." Cos he doesn't really think of Earth that way, so their excitement really gets to him in a way that... I mean, remember that in the Master's timeline, the Titanic would have got there and found it closed, so even if the Captain ignored the quarantine, the passengers would probably have beamed down and been cut to bits by Toclafane going, "Aliens! Whee! Do you look like humans on the inside too? Let's find out!" And he and Martha've not only saved it for the humans, they've saved it for the whole universe.
"How come you know so much about it?"
"I was sort of, um - a few years ago, I was sort of made - well, sort of, homeless. And, um - there was the Earth." Cos this is the thing - to them, it's this exotic, strange, primitive place, and they're in love with what they think it is, but to him, it's the only home he's got left. And, yeah, still strange, in a lot of ways, and horribly primitive technologically compared to the Time Lords, but most races are, but I don't think it was ever exotic to him, even to begin with, just a place to hide. And then a place of exile, and somewhere along the way... he probably doesn't even remember the exact moment he fell in love with it.
But they've got to keep moving - and here's the requisite narrow bridge across a chasm, and there goes Morvin. Poor Morvin.
Douche Boy crawls across while Ten seals the door.
Fred goes next cos he's small, then Astrid, then Mr Copper, and then Ten tries to send Foon.
"Just think - what would he want, eh?"
"He don't want nothing, he's DEAD!" This is one of the best lines in anything, ever.
And she won't go, so Ten promises to come back for her, and steps on. The bridge doesn't like having four people on it, though.
But the Host has found another route.
"I'm afraid we've forgot the traditions of Christmas - that angels have wings!"
Ninja Host! And the survivors try to fend them off with makeshift bats... but Fred releases an EMP to shut them down. And uses up all his power.
Oh, Bannakaffalatta...
Oh, Astrid... she really did like him.
But one of them survived, and Ten scrabbles desperately for the right words to stop it:
"No no no, hold on! Override! Loophole! Security protocol... 10! 666! Er... 21! 4! 5! 678! Erm, I don't know, 42? ...ONE!" I'm gonna try and crack these numbers... his own number of lives so far, then the devil's number, then, oh... how old Rose would be now if she was still with him? Four and Five, the Doctors David grew up with, but it's also a semi-logical progression from 21 in the Doctor's head because Time Lords count in base 7. 678 is probably just a random sequence following on from there? (And, oh crap, now I know I've been staring at this too long because 678 = devil's number + the traditional number of times he can regenerate!) 42 because, honestly, I don't know anyone who wouldn't, and 1 because it's the answer.
"Information: state request."
"Good. Right. You've been ordered to kill the survivors, but why?"
"Information: no witnesses."
"But this ship's gonna fall on the Earth and kill everyone! The human race has got nothing to do with the Titanic, so that contravenes your orders, yes?"
"Information: incorrect."
"But - why do you wanna destroy the Earth?"
"Information: that is the plan."
"What plan?"
"Information: Protocol One grants you only three questions. Those three questions have been used."
"Well, you could have warned me!" He looks so offended.
"Information: now you will die."
Except not, because Foon's got the angel, and there she goes. Oh, Foon...
And the rapidfire-instruction sequence, I love these!
"Sounds likeyou do this kind of thing all the time."
"Not by choice. All I do is travel. I'm just a traveller. Imagine it. No tax, no bills, no boss. Just the open sky." There's a thing Moffat said - in one of the confidentials, I think, that was utterly perfect, and this line comes back to it - that the Doctor doesn't know he's an adventurer, he thinks he's an explorer.
"I'm sort of - uh, unemployed - now. I was thinking that blue box is - kinda small, but I could - squeeze in? Like a stowaway."
"It's not always safe.'
"So you need someone to take care of you. I've got no one back on Sto, no family. Just me. So what do you think? Can I come with you?"
"Yeah, I'd like that. yeah." I love his smile as he answers her. Oh, and he was waiting for her to ask! Tempting her the whole time, but not offering, cos he just got dumped three times, remember? He's got to be sure she really wants to come.
And I've just thought - that sets the tone for the rest of the season, doesn't it? Last season was all people leaving him, this season it's people pushing into - and back into - his life. Donna forces her way onto Team TARDIS in the very next episode, Rose is hunting for him, River shows up going "Oh, one day you'll trust me with your name", Martha calls him back to Earth to help UNIT, Jenny and Cloen get created and forced on him, and everyone shows up in TSE/JE... And then we get Sarah's line about him having the biggest family in the world, so... even though he still ends the season alone, he doesn't have to and he knows he's got that backup.
The group splits up, and Astrid - oh, Astrid gets a box to stand on to kiss him good luck. Which is also a very old tradition when the lead actors have such a height difference, though usually the box doesn't show up in the shot... Also, he obviously likes her more than Christina, cos he doesn't pull back and go "No, you can't travel with me after all". And he looks happier as he runs off than he did at any time during season 3. XD
Astrid wipes out a bunch of Host with Fred's power cell, while Ten stops his own with a cry of: "Wait wait wait wait wait, security protocol one! Do you hear me, one! ONE!" While brandishing what looks like a saucepan. *snort* Fighting off angels with a saucepan, I love that.
"Okay. Now that gives me three questions, three questions to save my life, am I right?"
"Information: correct."
"No, that wasn't one of them, I didn't mean it, that's not fair! Can I start again?"
"Information: no."
"No! No, no no no, that wasn't a question either! Blimey. One question left. One question. You've been given orders to kill survivors. But survivors must therefore be passengers or staff, but that's not me! I'm not a passenger, I'm not staff. Go on, scan me. You must have biorecords, no such person on board. I don't exist. Therefore, you can't kill me. Therefore, I'm a stowaway. And stowaways should be arrested and taken to the nearest figure of authority. And I reckon the nearest figure of authority is on Deck 31. Final question. Am I right?"
"Information: correct."
"Brilliant. Take me to your leader. I've always wanted to say that."
I love how he goes from absolutely frantic and desperate and screwing himself over in panic to being completely poised and confident as he goes on through his final question.
Plus, the "get captured and taken to the person I've been trying to talk all day" plan is always rather a good plan once you can get the goons to keep you alive.
Astrid takes out another group of Host, starts the SOS going out, and is generally awesome. And she sees the teleport bracelsts... and convinces Alonso to beam her down to the Doctor. "He's gone down there on his own. And I - I can't just leave him. He's done everything he can to save us. It's time we did something to help him." How could I not love her?
She's a companion, that's it. It's canon in my head, I don't care if she never stepped inside the TARDIS, I don't care if the whole fandom hates her - she's taking charge of the survivors in his absence (always a proper companion's job), she's about to go save him on her own initiative - and against orders (also the companion's role), she even identifies herself to Alonso as "Astrid Peth. I was with the Doctor". And, well, she asked to go and he agreed to take her.
Deck 31 is rather beautiful...
And here comes Max out of his chamber - in which he can survive anything. Including a shipwreck.
It's kind of cute that Ten saves himself with bad puns.
You've gotta feel just a teensy bit sorry for Max. "A life-support system, in a society that despises cyborgs. I've had to hide away for years!"
But he's gonna destroy an inhabited planet in an insurance scam, so not that sorry.
And the Doctor's still trying to work what Earth's got to do with it - cos, of course, it's nearly always about Earth, isn't it? He's used to it being important, not just a random planet they picked to take the fall.
But he works it out. "The business isn't failing, it's failed." So Max screws over his partners to get them thrown in jail, you know what, I don't care, it's a retirement plan, it's not really that interesting, the point is 6 billion people are gonna die because: "Max Capricorn is a loser."
"I never lose."
"You can't even sink the Titanic!"
Except that he can stop the engines from here.
Good thing Astrid's hiding down there listening, and she's found a forklift. "Mr Capricorn! I resign."
And she pauses just long enough for the Doctor to realise what she has to do.
And, oh yeah - someone said if the Doctor doesn't scream your name in despair at least once, you're not a proper companion. So there's her initiation right there, as she falls.
I love this next bit too much for words, when the Host fly him up to the bridge. Although, I have figured out why they listen to him - he said to Max, in their hearing, "I'm your apprentice." And while, yeah, Max still treated him as an enemy and ordered him killed... he didn't verbally deny it. So when Max dies, the next available authority figure is his "apprentice", and if the Host aren't sentient, then for all they know, he actually could be. A stretch, I know, but it's something.
He manages to fake not caring for just long enough when he gets hold of the wheel, though:
"What's your first name?"
"Alonso."
"You're kidding! That's something else I've always wanted to say. Allons-y, Alonso!"
The Doctor takes a look at where they're headed and grabs the phone. "Could you get me Buckingham Palace?" Just as the news reports that London is safe and there's been no sign of alien intervention. *snerk*
He's got his own emergency code, that's kind of awesome. "Get her out of there!"
Cos of course, he knows no one else is in London, except Wilf, standing in the street yelling, "Don't you dare!' Well, I guess Donna comes by that honestly.
And the engines are online, and now he can pull them back and up... and they just miss the palace. With the Queen standing outside waving to him.
Oh, the music here is the one the girl was singing earlier! Definitely gonna go track down that song.
"Unsinkable, that's me.'
And then he realises Astrid was wearing a teleport bracelet. "We can bring her back!"
But the machine's shorting out.
"I just need to override the safeties! I can do this!' Also, RTD did this before JJ Abrams. Just saying. XP
And he kicks the console in rage. "I CAN DO ANYTHING!"
But there's not enough of her pattern left. "She's just an echo, with the ghost of consciousness."
"Astrid Peth, citizen of Sto. The woman who looked at the stars, and dreamt of travelling. There's an old tradition." And he kisses her, and I'm sorry, but he thought he was never gonna see Rose again, and Astrid's dead anyway, let him have this one. "Now you can travel forever." And he opens the window so her molecules can be drawn out. "You're not falling, Astrid. You're flying."
I'm not gonna apologise for loving this speech. I'm just not. It makes me cry every time.
Oh, I love that dissolve, the Earth fading into the globe.
The cops will want to talk to everyone involved, so Mr Copper's mentally preparing himself to go to jail. "It's better than dying.'
Douche Boy says thankyou, and hugs Ten. For once, Ten can't be arsed to hug someone back, which is only fair considering, A, he just lost a companion, and two - no. B, Douche Boy is Douche Boy. And proud of himself for selling all his stock before the crash and he can go jump in front of a Dalek, really, I don't care and neither does Ten.
"Of all the people to survive, he's not the one you would have chosen, is he? But if you could choose, Doctor, if you could decide who lives and who dies - that would make you a monster.' Another thing he should have remembered on Mars.
But the Doctor can do one more thing to save someone. And, oh, he salutes Alonso before he beams out! XD
And snow! Is it real snow, I can't remember?
"So Great Britain is part of Europy, and just across the British channel, you've got Great France and Great Germany!" (And yeah, he probably is spelling it Europe and just pronouncing the final E, but that's hard to get across in a transcript.)
"No no, it's just - France and Germany. Only Britain is Great."
"And they're all at war with the continent of Hamerica."
"No. Well... not yet. Oh,... you could argue that one."
Ballast, not snow. Oh well.
"One of these days, it might snow for real."
"I travel alone. It's best that way." Oh, Ten...
Mr Copper's got a million pounds, though, so he can live quite comfortably on Earth. Long as he stays out of trouble.
But he just wants a proper house, with a garden and a door and a kitchen and windows, so that's alright. XD
Okay, the blue flash of Astrid-dust is a bit naff. He could have just looked up into the snow - well, ballast - and it would have been good.
Everything in the trailer looks to be from the first few episodes - one brief closeup of a Sontaran, and a brief shot of Martha, but no Rose, no Daleks, no time beetle, no Midnight, no River.
Next: Partners in Crime.
Spoilers up through Journey's End. Also for the first ep of Sherlock.
This menu is so spoilerful. Shut up, Davros, seriously.
And... I'm gonna run for Special Features before this TARDIS-on-fire background starts freaking me out too much. Paradox machine or TARDIS-on-fire... which one's the most distressing menu design, IDEK. What do you lot think?
...The menu transition is the Titanic crashing through the wall?! What?
So... we start with Martha walking out: "I'll see you again, mister."
And Ten's smile slips off his face and he walks around the console, and... the TARDIS starts doing somersaults! And there's smoke and klaxons, and poor Ten, he thinks the TARDIS has gone and packed up on him too, doesn't he, especially when the time rotor freezes up.
"What was all that about, eh? What's your problem?" I love when he talks to the TARDIS, and this bit especially, that mixture of shock and concern in his voice.
And just as he leans over the console to start checking it out... someone else is there. Someone in cricket whites! Hello, Five! But they're both too worried about the TARDIS to even register at first that they just had to walk around each other, and then suddenly...
"What?"
"What?"
And they leave the console, and just stare at each other.
"What."
"Time Crash", in which the Doctor has a collision and attempts to give himself fashion advice
And now they start reacting differently - Ten with delight at an unexpected blast from the past - even if it means the universe goes bang in five minutes - and Five with utter confusion and mounting irritation at this skinny bloke in his TARDIS who won't shut up.
"Is there something wrong with you?"
"Oh, there it goes, the frowny face, I remember that one!" XD
You know what I keep saying about narcissism? Ten so loves himself. Although, considering how much he clearly adores Five, he probably doesn't like Six very much.
And Five's just patiently - well, impatiently, but still - waiting for the skinny bloke to stop, although Ten's leaving some pretty big clues to who he is, talking about the time differential, and "bit saggier than I used to be".
I love how his enthusiasm for the old outfit falters as soon as he gets to the...
"...stick of celery... well, fair play to you, not many men can carry off a decorative vegetable."
And that's when Five's patience runs out.
I love how Ten acts like he's gonna stop: "Oh. Sorry. Doc-tah." And then as soon as Five turns around, he's all "Ooh, the back of our head!" Oh, Five, if you haven't picked it up by now... also, the coral is awesome, shut up. Much better than your white thing that looks like it came out of a low-budget Star Trek episode.
And the brainy specs! "You don't even need them! You just think they make you look a bit clever!" This is pretty much what convinced me that Ten doesn't need them either. XP
So Ten's figured out exactly when this is and what's going on now, and it's time to just pull back and let Five work it out for himself. This is another ep that must be really weird for Ten, actually, though not nearly as frustrating as Blink. Because he knows this script as well, but since he remembers it from the other side, it's more like... now he's discovering why his future self was acting so weird, and he's rather enjoying being the one who knows the truth this time round.
I love him just leaning on the scanner so casually while Five freaks out, though. "That's a paradox. Could blow a hole in the universe the size of..." And Ten turns the monitor round to show him. "...well, actually, the exact size of Belgium. That's a bit undramatic, isn't it? Belgium?"
Out comes the sonic. "Need this?"
"Nah, I'm fine."
"Oh, no, of course, you mostly went hands-free, didn't you? Like, hey, I'm the Doctor, I can save the universe using a kettle and some string, and look at me, I'm wearing a vegetable." Even Ten can't resist digging at himself, it's kind of adorable.
And now Five's getting a horrible feeling: "Who are you?"
"Take a look." Oh, Ten, you'd love it to work this time, wouldn't you?
"Oh. Oh, no."
"Oh yes."
"You're - oh no."
"Yep, here it comes, yeah, I am."
"A fan."
"Yeah - what?"
And now it's Ten's turn to go ballistic: "What do you mean, a fan? I'm not just a fan, I'm you!"
But Five thinks he's got it worked out now: "I go zooming around space and time, saving planets, fighting monsters, and being, well, to be honest, pretty sort of marvellous," and I love Ten's look of "Yeah, I know, we are brilliant, aren't we?", and obviously people notice and start up fanclubs, and he's heard of LINDA, which is interesting...
Ten doesn't know what to say to him about LINDA, though - well, he can't say anything, Five doesn't need to have to decide whether he should go back and try and save them.
But he's still got to convince him: "Check out this bone structure, Doctor, cos one day, you're gonna be shaving it."
Then the Cloister Bell starts up, and playtime's over: "Yup, right on time, that's my cue!" And he runs to the console to start fixing it, with just a brief, rapidfire explanation to Five that he forgot to put the shields back up - hence the Titanic being able to get through - which allowed the TARDIS to collide with herself, "end of the universe, butterfingers", and look at Five's face, this is when he actually starts to believe Ten could be who he says he is.
"But don't worry, I know exactly how this all works out." And he goes on to show him every step in turn, and it's perfectly set up, this bit, because he has to do it quickly enough to get the timing right, but slowly enough for Five to memorise it - and be able to remember it five regens later.
"But you'll blow up the TARDIS!"
"I know I have."
"Who taught you that?"
"You taught me that." In a way, that's true, actually. Everything Ten knows from before Born Again comes from his earlier selves.
Explosion cancels out implosion!
And Five's impressed, and suspicious. "Far too brilliant. I've never met anyone else who could fly the TARDIS like that!"
I love Ten's derisive sniff. "Sorry, mate, you still 'aven't."
"You didn't have time to work all that out! Even I couldn't do it!"
"I didn't work it out." And he looks back at him. "I didn't have to." And finally Five gets it.
"You remembered. ... You only knew what to do because I saw you do it!"
Just enough time for a failed high-five before the TARDISes are separating again... poor Ten. He's so triumphant, and for the first time he and Five are actually connecting, and then he gets slapped in the face with how big the gap really is between them.
He's still got to do a bit of reminiscing, though:
"Where are you now? Nyssa and Tegan?" Doesn't mention Adric... well, he wouldn't want Thirteen to show up and mention Donna, would he? "Cybermen and Mara and Time Lords in funny hats and the Master? Oh, he just showed up again, same as ever."
"Oh no. Really?" Five doesn't sound that bothered by it, though. Mind you, Ainley!Master was more suave and less crazy, but still. "Does he still have that rubbish beard?"
"No, no beard this time. Well, a wife." XD This is tied with "a kettle and some string" for my favourite line in the whole ep.
Five doesn't get time to react to it before he starts to fade, though. But Ten brings him back to give him back the hat and a few nice words, cos poor Five gets dumped on by the others all the time, he could really use some love from himself.
"When I first started, I tried to be old and grumpy and self-important, like you do when you're young. But then I was you, and I was all dashing about, playing cricket, my voice going all squeaky when I shouted, I still do that! I got that from you!"
And it's about here that it stops being Ten and Five and becomes David and Peter instead, but I don't care, they're brilliant. *snuggles them both*
And even with the reminder from Five, Ten still doesn't get the shields back up before the Titanic hits him.
And off we go into the Christmas special!
Next: Voyage of the Damned, featuring Richard Bucket and some singer that Tegan probably likes...
*****************************************************************************************************************************************
So Five's just left, Ten's wandering sombrely around the console pressing buttons, and the Titanic crashes through the hull - this is the third time we've seen this by now, so the three "What"s are starting to feel appropriate in a whole new way.
But finally he goes into action, pulls the TARDIS off the ship's hull and lands her properly in a... cargo hold, I think. And out he comes into the dining hall, with the slowest version of Jingle Bells playing that I've ever heard. Kylie walks past with a tray, Bannakaffalatta's in the midst of conversation with someone, but the Doctor's not really paying attention to either of them yet, he's busy taking in the setting, giving the Host weird and suspicious looks - okay, it's been over a year for him since the Weeping Angels tried to eat him, but it's been centuries since Logopolis and he's not over that either.
And he goes out to the window and: "Riiight."
And then we get to see what he's looking at, as the camera pans out to show... the Starship Titanic in orbit around Sol III. "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Christmas."
Is this the first opening we've had with no introduction of the actual threat? I suppose we don't need one, really, considering, one, as Wilf's gonna point out soon enough, it's Christmas, and we know what the Doctor's Christmases are like, and two, the ship's called Titanic. No writer ever names a starship Titanic unless something terrible's gonna happen to her.
"Voyage of the Damned", in which the Doctor flirts with bad luck, Astrid Peth visits an alien planet, and Wilfred Mott stands his ground
Have they changed the bass line again? Yeah, they definitely have, it's louder and the rhythm's a bit different. And back to driving the 4/4 beat home again a bit more than last season... And Kylie Minogue's in the credits, for the first and final time. But Bernard Cribbins isn't and that makes me a bit sad.
I know the captain. I keep forgetting where from, though, and there's Alonso! Allons-y, Alonso! (Also, run, I saw a pack of angry Ianto fans coming this way.) All the crew get sent off the bridge, except the captain and Alonso. "It's only a level 5 planet down below, they don't even know we're here." I love this bit. Alien perpsctive on humans that doesn't feel like it comes out of Plan Nine From Outer Space.
"Silent Night, I think they call it. A silent night." Ngl, people taking Christmas song lyrics and making them ominous is one of my favouritest things ever. XD
Max's ad thing... is incredibly annoying.
Oh, gods, the music in this scene. I loathe country music and I hate Winter Wonderland, so the combination... ugh. But the Doctor's in too good a mood to be brought down by bad music, cos he's at a Christmas party and nothing bad's happened yet! He's also the only person on the ship who actually knows what Christmas is, which is fun too... XD
The annoying bloke whose name I can't be bothered remembering is on his phone doing business. You're at a Christmas party, you nit! Go dance with a girl! Or a boy, whatever.
Meanwhile, the Doctor's changed his clothes - the tux, Ten? Really? The "something bad always happens when I wear this" tux? On Christmas? You're just asking for something to go wrong - and he's pestering an angel - the passenger information system, as it turns out, which is good cos automatons ask less questions about you asking stupid questions than living people do. I love how he still tries to cover, though. "Tell me, cos I'm an idiot - where are we... from?" Mind you, the Host could be more sentient than they look, so probably better to be careful anyway...
The Titanic's on a cruise to experience primitive cultures. Which is a bit condescending, really, but then any culture is when meeting a people they consider less advanced... I dunno.
But the Doctor's more concerned about the name:
"Titanic. Who - thought of the name?"
"Information: it was chosen as the most famous vessel of the planet Earth."
"Did they tell you why it was famous?" And this is the line where I fall in love with this ep all over again. XD
The angel starts to tell him that Max chooses all the names, but breaks down before he can pursue his line of questioning any further.
And a lot of them are breaking down, and the crew don't know why. But I'll bet Max does.
"If you can't fix them, throw them overboard." Only I don't think they're gonna let you do that...
With his angel gone, Ten has to find someone to annoy. And look, a pretty blonde waitress being yelled at by Douche Boy. So the Doctor goes to cheer her up and get some info at the same time. "If you want to know what's going on, work in the kitchens", after all.
And he won't let her call him "sir", which she appreciates. She seems happy that he's not with anyone, too.
The staff aren't allowed shore leave, and I don't care about the insurance issue, that's just wrong. What's the point of getting a job on a starship if you can't go explore another planet every once in a while?
"I used to watch the ships heading out to the stars, and always dreamt of - it sounds daft." She's so embarrassed, poor Astrid.
But the Doctor understands: "You dreamt of another sky. New sun, new air, new life - the whole universe teeming with life. Why stand still when there's all that life out there?" And that's definitely a seduction, and here's yet another AU I want. (I mean, not with shippiness, necessarily (although I wouldn't object too strenuously, as long as they didn't try to claim he didn't love Rose and/or the Master). Just Astrid as a companion. And on the page, people can't complain about Kylie's acting, which I liked anyway, so nyer. XP)
"So you travel a lot." She's so awkward here, she really doesn't want to acknowledge how deeply they're connecitng, and it's sort of cute.
"All the time! Just for fun. Well, that's the plan. Never quite works." Just the bits in between, huh? Yeah, right. He's still scouting her as a companion, though, and I love his grin at the "never quite works". Doctor/Trouble is obviously the OTP here, who's with me?
"Must be rich, though."
"Haven't got a penny." And he loves being able to admit this to her: "Stowaway."
"You're kidding."
"Seriously!"
"No!"
"Oh yeah."
"How'd you get on board?"
"Accident. I've got this... sort of... ship... thing." He's always so awkward about mentioning the TARDIS, it's weird. "I was just rebuilding her, left the defences down, bumped into the Titanic. Bit of a party, I thought why not?"
"I should report you."
"Go on, then." But he knows she won't.
And so does she. "I'll get you a drink. On the house."
And here are the competition winners. Morvin and Foon, upset cos the other passengers are mocking them. "They think we should be in steerage." I love the Doctor's face at that. To be honest, the line weirds me out to ridiculous degrees, because YES THEY THINK YOU SHOULD BE IN STEERAGE ON THE TITANIC AND DIE.
So he messes with the other table's champagne cork - simple but funny, and with much less in the way of consequences than when he did it to Borusa on parent/teacher night and got 6 months of detention. (Mostly cos Ushas dobbed him in, but it was still worth it.)
"They must be enormous, these buffalo. So many wings!" *pats Foon* I'd have thought - if I didn't know what a buffalo was, that is - that they just got each batch from lots of buffalo. But maybe they have birds with multiple pairs on Sto.
A batch of passengers are called for a trip to Earth, and the Doctor likes Morvin and Foon, so he decides to go with them. "Are you red-6-7?" "Might as well be."
Meanwhile, Alonso's picking up approaching meteors on the bridge, and the captain's still being ominous: "She's an old ship, full of aches and pains." Yeah, so's the TARDIS, but you don't see the Doctor throwing her into a meteor storm for the insurance.
He dismisses the meteors as normal...
I like that this Titanic's old, though, that she's obviously been in service for a long time. Nice to know she actually got to live out her life before being trashed.
Mr Copper! XD
And Ten uses the psychic paper to get him and Astrid on the tour.
"I shall be taking you to Old London Town, in the country of Yookay, ruled over by Good King Wenceslas." And this is where the Doctor starts to go WTF again. Have I mentioned I love how Earth is basically the alien planet in this ep, and the Doctor's the only one who knows anything about it?
"Now, human beings worship the great god Santa, a creature with fearsome claws, and his wife Mary. And every Christmas Eve, the people of Yookay go to war with the country of Turkey. They then eat the Turkey people for Christmas dinner." This is a bit Ford Prefect, actually. Cos I can see exactly how you could get some of this stuff confused if you were an alien and didn't do your research properly.
And Ten's got to interrupt:
"Um, excuse me. Sorry - sorry, but where did you get all this from?"
"Oh, I have a first-class degree in Earthonomics!"
Bannakaffalatta runs up late, and the Doctor protests that he'll stick out:
"No offence but you'll cause a riot!"
But in the middle of him explaining why the streets'll be full of people, they beam down... to an empty street.
Mr Copper's unconcerned, except that: "Any day now, they start boxing!"
But Ten's worried. "It should be busy, something's wrong."
Astrid's concerns are elsewhere, though: "It's beautiful."
"Really? Do you think so? It's just a street! The pyramids are beautiful, and - New Zealand." Has he been to New Zealand, do you think, or did he just see it in Lord of the Rings? Oh, I hope there are outtakes of this bit, I wanna know if Kylie makes faces at him for praising NZ in front of her.
"But it's a different planet. I'm standing on a different planet, there's concrete, and shops, real alien shops and - no stars in the sky. And it smells." And this is what companions are for, isn't it? Cos he knows London and it's just London, but to her it's amazing and new and wonderful, and oh, Astrid... *snuggles her*
Ten goes to a paper vendor on the street to ask why no one's about, and it's Wilf! *glomps Wilf* "Not safe, is it?"
"Why?"
"Well, it's them, up above!" And at last, people are starting to notice things. But the Queen is stubbornly staying in London, and the Doctor still thinks nothing's actually gonna happen... until they get beamed back up without warning because of... power fluctuations? Uh-oh.
"What sort of power fluctuation?"
They're turning broadside on to the meteorites, and drawing them in, would be utterly moronic if someone wasn't trying to destroy the ship, so of course Alonso's starting to work out something's wrong.
Oh, this song... I need to go find out what that is, cos I'm liking the lyrics here:
"'You shouldn't be here, what's your tale? I ought to throw you to the whale!' He just smiled and said, 'Come here, let's dance!' He said, 'Borrow or steal, I'll find a way to be with my lover upon Christmas Day, and I'll run and I'll roam, I'll cover the ground, this Christmas I'll see you, I'll be around."
And there are so many layers I can see in this I can't even...
[And now that I've looked it up... it's written by Murray Gold. So that'd be why.]
Back at the party, the Doctor's attention is caught by the holo of Max on the wall... and he uses it to hack into the sensors.
Old-style naval whistles on the bridge, I love it! XD
Ten calls the bridge to warn them about the meteors and the lack of shields, and the captain calls security on him. Alonso looks, though - and tries to back him up, but the captain already knew. "They promised me old men. ... On the crew. Seadogs, men who'd had their time. Not boys."
The Doctor escapes from security for just long enough to grab the mike from the singer and try to warn the passengers, and keeps yelling "Look out the windows" even as they recapture him and drag him off. I love how he doesn't even waste time on a "Let me go", he just keeps trying to spread the word. And the purple couple try to get him released, "He's just had a bit too much to drink", while Mr Copper starts to connect it to the fact there's something wrong with the teleports...
Douche Boy notices a rock crash through the window, though, and goes for an angel. "You there, has anyone checked the external shielding?"
"Information: you are all going to die."
Meanwhile, Ten's being dargged to the brig, with Astrid following and trying to argue with them. *hugs her*
Alonso tries to take in exposition through the shock of having been shot. The captain's dying of cancer, but they offered him money for his family to sabotage the ship and kill everyone. Hey, hold on, didn't Moffat use this plot in Sherlock? *waits for someone to say RTD stole it from him in the future*
The bigger meteors start hitting the ship... it's all very big and dramatic, but without the OMGWTF factor of an iceberg scraping along the side, somehow. And the ship stops (bad RTD, go review Newton right now), allowing the passengers to start recovering. "Bad name for a ship. Either that, or this suit is really unlucky." Or both. You know, suddenly it occurs to me that wearing the tux on a ship called Titanic is quite probably yet another suicide attempt. At least this one seems to be unconscious.
And the Host are waiting.
Oxygen shielding's down, as the steward discovers. Poor bloke. The Doctor restores it in time to save the rest of them, but not quickly enough to stop Douche Boy's caustic remark when Ten asks if he's alright:
"No thanks to that idiot."
"The steward just died!" Astrid, who actually has a heart, thankyou.
"Then he's a dead idiot."
And isn't it funny how everyone else in that corridor's already had personal contact with the Doctor. Oh, well. A certain amount of contrivance is necessary in disaster movies, isn't it?
The Doctor thinks he can save everyone if he can just get them back to the TARDIS, except... she's been blown into space and there she goes, falling towards Earth.
"It's a bit small."
"Bit distant." Oh, the layers here, cos isn't there a bit where he tries to use perspective to explain the TARDIS' dimensions to Leela? "Trouble is, once it's set adrift, it's programmed to lock onto the nearest centre of gravity. And that would be... the Earth." Okay, that bit's a bit stupid. What if the nearest centre of gravity was the sun? Listen, Ten, I know you don't want to remember 42 anymore than the fandom does, but you should have learned from that.
Odd how she flies straight for Britain, though. XD
And the Host's only remaining function is to kill. Just to finish off everyone who survived the crash.
Ten calls the bridge, and is delighted to get a response from Alonso: "Ooh, hello, sailor! Good to hear from you up there." No, hold on, three-person TARDIS team is what I want in this AU. Definitely.
Alonso's alone on the bridge, the captain's dead. "He did it. He shut down the shields, and there was nothing I could do, I tried, I did!" Those speech patterns sound familiar? No wonder the Doctor thought he'd be a good match for Jack, if only for a night.
Ten calms him down and asks about the engines... and figures out Alonso's injured, even though Alonso's trying to hide it.
And if they hit the planet, the nuclear storm drive explodes and wipes out all life. As if we needed any more trouble.
Oh, here comes the list!
"One, we are gonna climb through this ship. B - no, two, we are gonna reach the bridge. Three, or C, we are gonna save the Titanic. And, coming in a very low four, or D, or that little iv in brackets they use in footnotes, why?"
And Douche Boy asks who he is to take charge, and I bet he loves being able to use this line for once:
"I'm the Doctor. I'm a Time Lord. I'm from the planet Gallifrey in the constellation of Kasterberous. I'm 903 years old, and I'm the man who's gonna save your lives and all 6 billion people on the planet below. You got a problem with that?" And he needs to say it, too. He's still recovering from the Master's death, and he needs to reaffirm who and what he is.
"No."
"In that case... allons-y!"
Mr Copper thinks Christmas is a time of violence and thus their predicament is utterly appropriate: "Human beings only survive depending on whether they've been good or bad, it's barbaric!" No, that would be fairy tales, try again.
"Actually, that's not true. Christmas is a time of peace, of thanksgiving, and - what am I on about, my Christmases are always like this." Yeah, but all your days are like this, so...
They find an angel, and Ten has the oh-so-brilliant idea of trying to fix it. To be fair, he doesn't know what they've been doing...
"Can I just call you Banna, it'd save a lot of time."
"No! Bannakaffalatta!"
"Alright, then, Bannakaffalatta." See, Romana, you should have had this converstion with him in the middle of a crisis when he didn't have time to argue. Although, he still would have used it as an example later on of why he should shorten it anyway, so never mind.
Ten's getting the hang of how to deal with Douche Boy, though: "Shut up!"
Foon dialled the competition line 5000 times. Doesn't matter that they'll never pay it off, though, cos they're in a disaster movie having a romantic moment and aren't the alpha couple, and that's gotta be the kiss of death.
And here's where Astrid finds out Bannaka - you know what, it's too long to type every time when this ep is taking me forever to recap anyway, I'm just gonna call him Fred. Anyway, Fred's a cyborg, and won't tell anyone cos they're an oppressed minority. Only:
"Things have changed now. Cyborgs are getting equal rights. They passed a law back on Sto, you can even get married." You know, I do have a lot of fondness for the stealth form of the Gay Agenda. The "have you tried not being a mutant?" approach. And I like that it can show up even in a show that has a more explicit Gay Agenda as well, because it's that little bit broader.
"Marry... you?"
"Well, you can buy me a drink first." This is so cute. XD
Alonso's trying to coordinate rescue efforts from the bridge, find the scattered survivors and guide them out. But the Host are picking them off.
And the Doctor works it out just as they get the angel on the stairs working again.
I love how he apologises to Morvin for being forward as he pushes him through the gap. XD
Oh, but they can still learn things from it: "Information override! You will tell me the point of origin of your command structure!"
"Information: Deck 31."
Alonso - looking rather spry for someone who just got shot, I'm gonna put that down to alien physiology and the captain being a bad shot - has had to seal himself off on the bridge to keep out the Host. But he's able to tell the Doctor that Deck 31 is down below, a storage deck. "It's where we keep the robots."
But there's something hidden down there - an area none of the scanners can penetrate. "Something I am forbidden to see", to quote Eliot since he's in the tux and all.
Astrid brings him food.
"You look good for 903."
"You should see me in the mornings."
"Okay." I love how she doesn't even pause. Even though she's cheating on Fred. They only just got engaged and now she's cheating. Honestly, Astrid!
The look he gives her, though... cos remember, no gaps between LotTL and this, he only just got dumped three times and now she's like "Yeah, course I'll go away with you in your tiny box. And also I want to snog you. But you can't call me Rose and ask me to speak Cockney cos that would be creepy."
Mr Copper decides it's after midnight... and therefore Christmas Day! But Astrid doesn't know what it's about.
"It's a long story. I should know, I was there." He claims to be at Easter, too, WHAT IS THIS TEN ARE YOU STALKING JESUS? DO YOU STALK MOSES AND MUHAMMAD AND BUDDHA AND LAO TZU AND CTHULHU AND THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER ALSO?!
Mr Copper wonders why they can't call for help from Earth: "They could send up a rocket!"
"They don't have spaceships." Oh, I dunno, the Valiant? Although, I suppose exposing this lot to UNIT isn't the best idea. Also, if you let Churchill keep his gravity bubbles later you can avoid thi- wait, no, encouraging you to change history is a bad thing, never mind.
"No, I've read about it, they have - shuffles. Space shuffles."
And now he's got to ask: "Mr Copper, this degree in Earthonomics, where's it from?"
"Honestly?"
"Just between us." Ten's a stowaway, after all, who's he gonna report him to?
"Mrs Golightly's Happy Travelling University And Dry-Cleaner's." I... sort of love that. Especially the "travelling" bit. How do you have a travelling university? Ooh! Unless you have it on a spaceship, and then you can do field-trips all over the universe, and you can just go pick up students from whatever place they come from and drop them back wherever they wanna go when they've got their degree and they get to live ON A SPACESHIP and, okay, I'm sort of in love with this idea now. Only I wouldn't throw in a dry-cleaner's.
And he lied to the company because he reached retirement and had nothing. "And Earth sounded so exotic."
I love Ten's expression here: "I suppose it is, yeah." Cos he doesn't really think of Earth that way, so their excitement really gets to him in a way that... I mean, remember that in the Master's timeline, the Titanic would have got there and found it closed, so even if the Captain ignored the quarantine, the passengers would probably have beamed down and been cut to bits by Toclafane going, "Aliens! Whee! Do you look like humans on the inside too? Let's find out!" And he and Martha've not only saved it for the humans, they've saved it for the whole universe.
"How come you know so much about it?"
"I was sort of, um - a few years ago, I was sort of made - well, sort of, homeless. And, um - there was the Earth." Cos this is the thing - to them, it's this exotic, strange, primitive place, and they're in love with what they think it is, but to him, it's the only home he's got left. And, yeah, still strange, in a lot of ways, and horribly primitive technologically compared to the Time Lords, but most races are, but I don't think it was ever exotic to him, even to begin with, just a place to hide. And then a place of exile, and somewhere along the way... he probably doesn't even remember the exact moment he fell in love with it.
But they've got to keep moving - and here's the requisite narrow bridge across a chasm, and there goes Morvin. Poor Morvin.
Douche Boy crawls across while Ten seals the door.
Fred goes next cos he's small, then Astrid, then Mr Copper, and then Ten tries to send Foon.
"Just think - what would he want, eh?"
"He don't want nothing, he's DEAD!" This is one of the best lines in anything, ever.
And she won't go, so Ten promises to come back for her, and steps on. The bridge doesn't like having four people on it, though.
But the Host has found another route.
"I'm afraid we've forgot the traditions of Christmas - that angels have wings!"
Ninja Host! And the survivors try to fend them off with makeshift bats... but Fred releases an EMP to shut them down. And uses up all his power.
Oh, Bannakaffalatta...
Oh, Astrid... she really did like him.
But one of them survived, and Ten scrabbles desperately for the right words to stop it:
"No no no, hold on! Override! Loophole! Security protocol... 10! 666! Er... 21! 4! 5! 678! Erm, I don't know, 42? ...ONE!" I'm gonna try and crack these numbers... his own number of lives so far, then the devil's number, then, oh... how old Rose would be now if she was still with him? Four and Five, the Doctors David grew up with, but it's also a semi-logical progression from 21 in the Doctor's head because Time Lords count in base 7. 678 is probably just a random sequence following on from there? (And, oh crap, now I know I've been staring at this too long because 678 = devil's number + the traditional number of times he can regenerate!) 42 because, honestly, I don't know anyone who wouldn't, and 1 because it's the answer.
"Information: state request."
"Good. Right. You've been ordered to kill the survivors, but why?"
"Information: no witnesses."
"But this ship's gonna fall on the Earth and kill everyone! The human race has got nothing to do with the Titanic, so that contravenes your orders, yes?"
"Information: incorrect."
"But - why do you wanna destroy the Earth?"
"Information: that is the plan."
"What plan?"
"Information: Protocol One grants you only three questions. Those three questions have been used."
"Well, you could have warned me!" He looks so offended.
"Information: now you will die."
Except not, because Foon's got the angel, and there she goes. Oh, Foon...
And the rapidfire-instruction sequence, I love these!
"Sounds likeyou do this kind of thing all the time."
"Not by choice. All I do is travel. I'm just a traveller. Imagine it. No tax, no bills, no boss. Just the open sky." There's a thing Moffat said - in one of the confidentials, I think, that was utterly perfect, and this line comes back to it - that the Doctor doesn't know he's an adventurer, he thinks he's an explorer.
"I'm sort of - uh, unemployed - now. I was thinking that blue box is - kinda small, but I could - squeeze in? Like a stowaway."
"It's not always safe.'
"So you need someone to take care of you. I've got no one back on Sto, no family. Just me. So what do you think? Can I come with you?"
"Yeah, I'd like that. yeah." I love his smile as he answers her. Oh, and he was waiting for her to ask! Tempting her the whole time, but not offering, cos he just got dumped three times, remember? He's got to be sure she really wants to come.
And I've just thought - that sets the tone for the rest of the season, doesn't it? Last season was all people leaving him, this season it's people pushing into - and back into - his life. Donna forces her way onto Team TARDIS in the very next episode, Rose is hunting for him, River shows up going "Oh, one day you'll trust me with your name", Martha calls him back to Earth to help UNIT, Jenny and Cloen get created and forced on him, and everyone shows up in TSE/JE... And then we get Sarah's line about him having the biggest family in the world, so... even though he still ends the season alone, he doesn't have to and he knows he's got that backup.
The group splits up, and Astrid - oh, Astrid gets a box to stand on to kiss him good luck. Which is also a very old tradition when the lead actors have such a height difference, though usually the box doesn't show up in the shot... Also, he obviously likes her more than Christina, cos he doesn't pull back and go "No, you can't travel with me after all". And he looks happier as he runs off than he did at any time during season 3. XD
Astrid wipes out a bunch of Host with Fred's power cell, while Ten stops his own with a cry of: "Wait wait wait wait wait, security protocol one! Do you hear me, one! ONE!" While brandishing what looks like a saucepan. *snort* Fighting off angels with a saucepan, I love that.
"Okay. Now that gives me three questions, three questions to save my life, am I right?"
"Information: correct."
"No, that wasn't one of them, I didn't mean it, that's not fair! Can I start again?"
"Information: no."
"No! No, no no no, that wasn't a question either! Blimey. One question left. One question. You've been given orders to kill survivors. But survivors must therefore be passengers or staff, but that's not me! I'm not a passenger, I'm not staff. Go on, scan me. You must have biorecords, no such person on board. I don't exist. Therefore, you can't kill me. Therefore, I'm a stowaway. And stowaways should be arrested and taken to the nearest figure of authority. And I reckon the nearest figure of authority is on Deck 31. Final question. Am I right?"
"Information: correct."
"Brilliant. Take me to your leader. I've always wanted to say that."
I love how he goes from absolutely frantic and desperate and screwing himself over in panic to being completely poised and confident as he goes on through his final question.
Plus, the "get captured and taken to the person I've been trying to talk all day" plan is always rather a good plan once you can get the goons to keep you alive.
Astrid takes out another group of Host, starts the SOS going out, and is generally awesome. And she sees the teleport bracelsts... and convinces Alonso to beam her down to the Doctor. "He's gone down there on his own. And I - I can't just leave him. He's done everything he can to save us. It's time we did something to help him." How could I not love her?
She's a companion, that's it. It's canon in my head, I don't care if she never stepped inside the TARDIS, I don't care if the whole fandom hates her - she's taking charge of the survivors in his absence (always a proper companion's job), she's about to go save him on her own initiative - and against orders (also the companion's role), she even identifies herself to Alonso as "Astrid Peth. I was with the Doctor". And, well, she asked to go and he agreed to take her.
Deck 31 is rather beautiful...
And here comes Max out of his chamber - in which he can survive anything. Including a shipwreck.
It's kind of cute that Ten saves himself with bad puns.
You've gotta feel just a teensy bit sorry for Max. "A life-support system, in a society that despises cyborgs. I've had to hide away for years!"
But he's gonna destroy an inhabited planet in an insurance scam, so not that sorry.
And the Doctor's still trying to work what Earth's got to do with it - cos, of course, it's nearly always about Earth, isn't it? He's used to it being important, not just a random planet they picked to take the fall.
But he works it out. "The business isn't failing, it's failed." So Max screws over his partners to get them thrown in jail, you know what, I don't care, it's a retirement plan, it's not really that interesting, the point is 6 billion people are gonna die because: "Max Capricorn is a loser."
"I never lose."
"You can't even sink the Titanic!"
Except that he can stop the engines from here.
Good thing Astrid's hiding down there listening, and she's found a forklift. "Mr Capricorn! I resign."
And she pauses just long enough for the Doctor to realise what she has to do.
And, oh yeah - someone said if the Doctor doesn't scream your name in despair at least once, you're not a proper companion. So there's her initiation right there, as she falls.
I love this next bit too much for words, when the Host fly him up to the bridge. Although, I have figured out why they listen to him - he said to Max, in their hearing, "I'm your apprentice." And while, yeah, Max still treated him as an enemy and ordered him killed... he didn't verbally deny it. So when Max dies, the next available authority figure is his "apprentice", and if the Host aren't sentient, then for all they know, he actually could be. A stretch, I know, but it's something.
He manages to fake not caring for just long enough when he gets hold of the wheel, though:
"What's your first name?"
"Alonso."
"You're kidding! That's something else I've always wanted to say. Allons-y, Alonso!"
The Doctor takes a look at where they're headed and grabs the phone. "Could you get me Buckingham Palace?" Just as the news reports that London is safe and there's been no sign of alien intervention. *snerk*
He's got his own emergency code, that's kind of awesome. "Get her out of there!"
Cos of course, he knows no one else is in London, except Wilf, standing in the street yelling, "Don't you dare!' Well, I guess Donna comes by that honestly.
And the engines are online, and now he can pull them back and up... and they just miss the palace. With the Queen standing outside waving to him.
Oh, the music here is the one the girl was singing earlier! Definitely gonna go track down that song.
"Unsinkable, that's me.'
And then he realises Astrid was wearing a teleport bracelet. "We can bring her back!"
But the machine's shorting out.
"I just need to override the safeties! I can do this!' Also, RTD did this before JJ Abrams. Just saying. XP
And he kicks the console in rage. "I CAN DO ANYTHING!"
But there's not enough of her pattern left. "She's just an echo, with the ghost of consciousness."
"Astrid Peth, citizen of Sto. The woman who looked at the stars, and dreamt of travelling. There's an old tradition." And he kisses her, and I'm sorry, but he thought he was never gonna see Rose again, and Astrid's dead anyway, let him have this one. "Now you can travel forever." And he opens the window so her molecules can be drawn out. "You're not falling, Astrid. You're flying."
I'm not gonna apologise for loving this speech. I'm just not. It makes me cry every time.
Oh, I love that dissolve, the Earth fading into the globe.
The cops will want to talk to everyone involved, so Mr Copper's mentally preparing himself to go to jail. "It's better than dying.'
Douche Boy says thankyou, and hugs Ten. For once, Ten can't be arsed to hug someone back, which is only fair considering, A, he just lost a companion, and two - no. B, Douche Boy is Douche Boy. And proud of himself for selling all his stock before the crash and he can go jump in front of a Dalek, really, I don't care and neither does Ten.
"Of all the people to survive, he's not the one you would have chosen, is he? But if you could choose, Doctor, if you could decide who lives and who dies - that would make you a monster.' Another thing he should have remembered on Mars.
But the Doctor can do one more thing to save someone. And, oh, he salutes Alonso before he beams out! XD
And snow! Is it real snow, I can't remember?
"So Great Britain is part of Europy, and just across the British channel, you've got Great France and Great Germany!" (And yeah, he probably is spelling it Europe and just pronouncing the final E, but that's hard to get across in a transcript.)
"No no, it's just - France and Germany. Only Britain is Great."
"And they're all at war with the continent of Hamerica."
"No. Well... not yet. Oh,... you could argue that one."
Ballast, not snow. Oh well.
"One of these days, it might snow for real."
"I travel alone. It's best that way." Oh, Ten...
Mr Copper's got a million pounds, though, so he can live quite comfortably on Earth. Long as he stays out of trouble.
But he just wants a proper house, with a garden and a door and a kitchen and windows, so that's alright. XD
Okay, the blue flash of Astrid-dust is a bit naff. He could have just looked up into the snow - well, ballast - and it would have been good.
Everything in the trailer looks to be from the first few episodes - one brief closeup of a Sontaran, and a brief shot of Martha, but no Rose, no Daleks, no time beetle, no Midnight, no River.
Next: Partners in Crime.