stupid post

[dwnwithollywood]

so.....things kind of suck in a big way right now. after months of deliberation....shawn and i are no longer speaking. it's just too hard. he's got a new girl. and as much as i love our friendship....im still in love with him....i have been for the past two years. and it's going to be a very long time before i get over him. it's breaking my heart that he doesnt love me. it's horrible because i know she makes him happy, and i want him to be happy. but it still makes me sick to my stomach just to think about it. and the worst part is, i probably deserve to feel this way, and lose him after what i've done. i really just wanted one more chance to show him i've changed....but he didnt want to give it to me. and then she came along.....atleast he's got someone now. he's not alone, and doesnt have to feel as hurt as i do. i'm choosing to be alone, because i really dont want anyone else. but it hurts so much.....and my self esteem is pretty much gone. anyway.....

i took a quick trip up to PA to see natalia. it was a lot of fun. i miss her. im really going to try to go out to nebraska in sept. other than that, ive just been working and rehearsing. the show opens thursday. yikes. but it should be pretty great. my parents are out of town this weekend. thank god they'll be home today. not only have to animals been driving me crazy, but i HATE being by myself.

ok well, im gonna go, cuz im just thinking about shawn, and im really depressed. i really dont know if this is ever going to go away.....