4th of July
“Alright, alright, I got it,” I said, as we raised our glasses into the air. “Here’s to the men we love to love, here’s to the men in love with us, here’s to the men who pass on us. Fuck the men, let’s drink to us!”
Asher laughed as we knocked the shots back and I squirmed in disgust. I’m my own worst enemy when it comes to drinking; tonight I was drinking anything I could to erase the pain of the past few weeks.
After taking one last swig of our Smirnoff Ice’s, bitch beer was the designated chaser for the night, we set our glasses on the counter and went to join everyone else in the parking lot. Most of the evening had been spent down there having sparkler fights and jumping over fountain fireworks. It was now time for the grand finale to the night and Michael had his camera in hand to ensure that we never forgot the events of the night.
Walking out into the middle of the road, I picked up the final two fountains and extended both my arms. I looked around at everyone else; three girls sat on the sidewalk, their faces rich with anticipation. Asher was just standing around, and Michael had a look in his eye that told me he was relishing every second of this.
“You ready,” Desiree asked.
She and Alex walked up to either side of me, ready to light the fuses. I took a deep breath as a shot of emotion coursed through my body, one part anxiety, one part excitement. I slowly let my breath out.
“Ready,” I said.
A sudden click of the lighters and I could feel the warmth at my fingertips.
BOOM!
The next ninety seconds spun into a blur. An amazing swirl of colors and sparks, smoke and fire, and a mixture of laughter and Oh my God’s from my friends, all the while I was spinning faster and faster, jumping up and down and waving my arms.
I left them for those few seconds. I was gone, off in my own blissful world where nothing else mattered or existed. Not even the exploding fountains within my hands. It was just me, spinning in circles in a world of color and peace.
The fountains finally burned out and one sizzling amber found its way to my wrist, snapping me back to reality.
“FUCK ME!!” I launched both of the fountains into the air and grabbed my right wrist with my left hand, as if squeezing the life out of my arm would help soothe the burn.
The girls on the sidewalk began screaming and I heard someone say the fireworks landed in a purse. We burst out in laughter, and while the girls were emptying the contents of their purses Michael yelled, "Awesome grand finale!!"
We went upstairs and poured more drinks. Everyone continued laughing about the burning fountain in Desiree’s purse, but after a few minutes I fell back into my sullen state. I decided it was time to try and call him again.
I flipped open my phone and went to find his name only to remember I’d deleted it a few days prior. It was a desperate attempt to try and erase both him and the hurt he’d left me with from my life. I began flipping through two weeks of old text messages in order to find one from him so I would be able to call him again. I needed it to be there, and thirty text messages later, there it was.
Staring at the screen, I thought about everything- what I was feeling, what I had felt, what I wanted to say and what I was actually going to say. My brain went into overdrive, my breathing quickened and I finally just said “fuck it” and pressed talk.
Ring…ring…ring...
“Hey, you’ve reached Nic-,” I snapped my phone shut.
I slumped down against the wall, pulled my legs up against my chest, rested my head on my knees. Of course he didn’t answer my call. He’d spent the past five weeks not answering my calls, my texts, my IMs. He’d completely cut me out of his life. I finally lifted my head from my knees, the fabric now slightly moist and clinging to me as I took the stairs down to the lake.
I sat down on the grass and stared out the lake. The interstate was just behind it, but it still seemed to be a rather quiet night. There weren’t many clouds in the sky, not that it mattered, there weren’t many stars out either. But I stared out the lake, at the reflection of those few stars and the moon. I started thinking back on everything that had happened between Nick and I. I tried to figure out where it all went wrong, what I had done to fuck it up and make him drop me like he did. I always came back to the same conclusion: I didn’t do anything wrong.
I pulled my phone out a second time and called Michael. I didn’t want to be alone anymore.
“Keith, where the hell are you,” he asked.
“Come down to the lake.”
“Okay,” he said. It was such a simple response, but it meant so much to me. It was filled with equal measures of concern and sympathy, and it told me that he knew why I was out here and why he was coming down. He knew this night was a long time coming. I never had.
I heard his steps behind me and turned to look up at him. I simply smiled at him as he sat down beside me, a half assed attempt to look okay when we both knew I was anything but. He didn’t push me, didn’t say a word. Just waited.
“He broke my heart,” I finally admitted. “Nick broke my heart and I hate him for it. I hate him so bad, Michael.”
Curling up into a ball, I hid my head between my knees and continued to cry.
“What happened?”
“I don’t know,” I cried. “I really just…I don’t know. I thought things were great. They seemed fine. There was just a connection there, we understood each other, and I fell for him. I couldn’t not fall for him. I was at ease when I was with him, I finally felt that I belonged and it felt right.”
“I’m sorry,” he told me. “Maybe it jus-”
“I just don’t understand. One night I’m in his arms and things are perfect, and then the next day he’s not returning my calls or my texts. He just stopped talking to me.”
I rolled over onto my side on the sidewalk and started crying harder.
“It hurts, it hurts so much and I just want the pain to go away. I don’t know how to forget about him and move on. I don’t understand. I hate him so much for doing this to me.”
“You should hate him,” Michael told me. “He’s just another asshole guy and he isn’t worth getting like this.”
“But he is,” I cried. “He’s not just another asshole. He’s the one who finally meant something to me. And I don’t hate him. I wish I did, but I don’t. It would make all of this so much easier if I could hate him.”
“I know,” he said. “I know you’re hurting, and it’s going to hurt for a while. It’s not an easy to thing to get over. But Keith, you’ve got to believe that it will get better. It might be a long time before it happens, but you will be okay. And you know that I’m going to be here for you. I’m always here for you.”
“I know you are,” I said. “I jus…it’s hard.”
We sat there for a few more minutes, staring out into the lake as I tried to get my breathing back to normal. I finally told him I was ready to go back inside. He got up, grabbed my hands and pulled me to my feet. After running my already damp sleeve across my cheeks, I wrapped my arm around his waist and he helped me start to climb the stairs.
Asher laughed as we knocked the shots back and I squirmed in disgust. I’m my own worst enemy when it comes to drinking; tonight I was drinking anything I could to erase the pain of the past few weeks.
After taking one last swig of our Smirnoff Ice’s, bitch beer was the designated chaser for the night, we set our glasses on the counter and went to join everyone else in the parking lot. Most of the evening had been spent down there having sparkler fights and jumping over fountain fireworks. It was now time for the grand finale to the night and Michael had his camera in hand to ensure that we never forgot the events of the night.
Walking out into the middle of the road, I picked up the final two fountains and extended both my arms. I looked around at everyone else; three girls sat on the sidewalk, their faces rich with anticipation. Asher was just standing around, and Michael had a look in his eye that told me he was relishing every second of this.
“You ready,” Desiree asked.
She and Alex walked up to either side of me, ready to light the fuses. I took a deep breath as a shot of emotion coursed through my body, one part anxiety, one part excitement. I slowly let my breath out.
“Ready,” I said.
A sudden click of the lighters and I could feel the warmth at my fingertips.
BOOM!
The next ninety seconds spun into a blur. An amazing swirl of colors and sparks, smoke and fire, and a mixture of laughter and Oh my God’s from my friends, all the while I was spinning faster and faster, jumping up and down and waving my arms.
I left them for those few seconds. I was gone, off in my own blissful world where nothing else mattered or existed. Not even the exploding fountains within my hands. It was just me, spinning in circles in a world of color and peace.
The fountains finally burned out and one sizzling amber found its way to my wrist, snapping me back to reality.
“FUCK ME!!” I launched both of the fountains into the air and grabbed my right wrist with my left hand, as if squeezing the life out of my arm would help soothe the burn.
The girls on the sidewalk began screaming and I heard someone say the fireworks landed in a purse. We burst out in laughter, and while the girls were emptying the contents of their purses Michael yelled, "Awesome grand finale!!"
We went upstairs and poured more drinks. Everyone continued laughing about the burning fountain in Desiree’s purse, but after a few minutes I fell back into my sullen state. I decided it was time to try and call him again.
I flipped open my phone and went to find his name only to remember I’d deleted it a few days prior. It was a desperate attempt to try and erase both him and the hurt he’d left me with from my life. I began flipping through two weeks of old text messages in order to find one from him so I would be able to call him again. I needed it to be there, and thirty text messages later, there it was.
Staring at the screen, I thought about everything- what I was feeling, what I had felt, what I wanted to say and what I was actually going to say. My brain went into overdrive, my breathing quickened and I finally just said “fuck it” and pressed talk.
Ring…ring…ring...
“Hey, you’ve reached Nic-,” I snapped my phone shut.
I slumped down against the wall, pulled my legs up against my chest, rested my head on my knees. Of course he didn’t answer my call. He’d spent the past five weeks not answering my calls, my texts, my IMs. He’d completely cut me out of his life. I finally lifted my head from my knees, the fabric now slightly moist and clinging to me as I took the stairs down to the lake.
I sat down on the grass and stared out the lake. The interstate was just behind it, but it still seemed to be a rather quiet night. There weren’t many clouds in the sky, not that it mattered, there weren’t many stars out either. But I stared out the lake, at the reflection of those few stars and the moon. I started thinking back on everything that had happened between Nick and I. I tried to figure out where it all went wrong, what I had done to fuck it up and make him drop me like he did. I always came back to the same conclusion: I didn’t do anything wrong.
I pulled my phone out a second time and called Michael. I didn’t want to be alone anymore.
“Keith, where the hell are you,” he asked.
“Come down to the lake.”
“Okay,” he said. It was such a simple response, but it meant so much to me. It was filled with equal measures of concern and sympathy, and it told me that he knew why I was out here and why he was coming down. He knew this night was a long time coming. I never had.
I heard his steps behind me and turned to look up at him. I simply smiled at him as he sat down beside me, a half assed attempt to look okay when we both knew I was anything but. He didn’t push me, didn’t say a word. Just waited.
“He broke my heart,” I finally admitted. “Nick broke my heart and I hate him for it. I hate him so bad, Michael.”
Curling up into a ball, I hid my head between my knees and continued to cry.
“What happened?”
“I don’t know,” I cried. “I really just…I don’t know. I thought things were great. They seemed fine. There was just a connection there, we understood each other, and I fell for him. I couldn’t not fall for him. I was at ease when I was with him, I finally felt that I belonged and it felt right.”
“I’m sorry,” he told me. “Maybe it jus-”
“I just don’t understand. One night I’m in his arms and things are perfect, and then the next day he’s not returning my calls or my texts. He just stopped talking to me.”
I rolled over onto my side on the sidewalk and started crying harder.
“It hurts, it hurts so much and I just want the pain to go away. I don’t know how to forget about him and move on. I don’t understand. I hate him so much for doing this to me.”
“You should hate him,” Michael told me. “He’s just another asshole guy and he isn’t worth getting like this.”
“But he is,” I cried. “He’s not just another asshole. He’s the one who finally meant something to me. And I don’t hate him. I wish I did, but I don’t. It would make all of this so much easier if I could hate him.”
“I know,” he said. “I know you’re hurting, and it’s going to hurt for a while. It’s not an easy to thing to get over. But Keith, you’ve got to believe that it will get better. It might be a long time before it happens, but you will be okay. And you know that I’m going to be here for you. I’m always here for you.”
“I know you are,” I said. “I jus…it’s hard.”
We sat there for a few more minutes, staring out into the lake as I tried to get my breathing back to normal. I finally told him I was ready to go back inside. He got up, grabbed my hands and pulled me to my feet. After running my already damp sleeve across my cheeks, I wrapped my arm around his waist and he helped me start to climb the stairs.