I just don't know...
I was watching an episode of Gilmore Girls tonight, and it brought me to the verge of tears. It broke my heart to watch these events play out because I’ve been there, and I knew what Rory was going through and how she felt.
Dean and Rory were in love, but he broke up with her because even though she loved him, she was still hung up on someone else, Jess. She was messing with Dean’s head and his emotions and he deserved better.
So in tonight’s episode Rory climbed up to Dean’s window and she apologized to him and told him how he was right about everything that he said to her, and that she treated him so badly. She told him that she really did love him and she hopes that he can believe it. And she said so much more.
I'm not sure why she did that. Was it to let him know that she was sorry and that she really did love him? Or was it to help clear her conscience and remind herself that she was sorry for all that she did and that she really did love him? Was it to try to get him to forgive her? Or was it a desperate attempt to help her forgive herself?
I'm not sure why I did it. I'm not sure if it was to really get him to believe that I was sorry for what I did to him and to get him to believe that I really did love him and what we had really did mean something to me. And I'm not sure if it was to get him to forgive me, or to get me to forgive myself.
But I do know that he has forgiven me.
But I still don't know if I've forgiven myself.
But I really did love him. I don’t know whether he not believes it, but I did love him.
He was amazing and he treated me like I was.
But I wasn’t.
He deserved so much better than me.
He loved me and I was horrible.
I broke up with him…twice...because he deserved better.
I was so horrible. I cheated on him, I yo-yo’ed his emotions and so much other crap. But he stuck around through it all, didn’t give up on me when any other guy would have. That’s how I know his love was real.
I’ve been thinking about him a lot recently, but no matter how much I think about him and everything I still can’t my thoughts sorted out.
I miss him.
Part of me still cares for him.
But does part of me want him back? I don’t know. Maybe.
I was supposed to hang out with him today, but he cancelled because he had to help his mom pack and whatnot, so we’re supposed to hang out on Saturday…and I’m extremely nervous about that. Like I said, I still haven’t sorted my thoughts out and I most definitely haven’t sorted my feelings out.
The last time I saw him, over winter break, we were supposed to “hang out just as friends”. But then he kissed me. Then we did a lot of kissing and cuddling on the couch, but then in my head I kind of freaked out and then I kicked him out and I haven’t really seen him since that.
So I’m kind of worried that we’re going to see each other and all those feelings are going to be there again and we’re going to give in to those feelings.
What then?
I mean, would it be so bad if we gave in to those feelings, if we went down that road again and tried to give it another chance?
Maybe.
But, maybe not.
I really don’t know.
Part of me does want to, part of me believes that we could be something great.
But then, another part of me doesn’t want to. But is that because I know better and I know that things can’t work out and we’d just be causing ourselves unneeded pain and frustration? Or, is it because I’m just scared? Is it that I’m scared of loving him, scared of letting myself be loved by him? Am I scared to really open myself up to a guy like that and be so completely exposed and vulnerable to him? Am I scared that I’m just going to get hurt?
Am I just scared?
I ask this question when I know I already know the answer…yes, of course I’m scared. I’m freaking terrified.
…everything with my dad really has scarred me. It has honestly made me wary of trusting guys. It’s definitely made a part of me believe that guys will just end up hurting me.
So I don’t know. I really don’t. I’m incredibly confused at this point.
A friend of mine told me that if we love each other then everything else shouldn’t matter and that we should try it again. That we owe it to ourselves, to our love, to try and make it work and maybe it will and maybe it’ll be great.
But I still don’t know.
Even if we wanted to, could we? Or is it too late?
No one knows.
But what I do know is that everything happens for a reason, and that right there gives me what I need to not regret anything that has happened thus far. Well, that and believing that you shouldn’t regret things because at one point it’s what you wanted.
It’s now 4 A.M. and I’m not even sure if this post makes any sense whatsoever, so I’m going to call it a night before I say anything else stupid.
I’ve still got a lot of thinking to do.
Dean and Rory were in love, but he broke up with her because even though she loved him, she was still hung up on someone else, Jess. She was messing with Dean’s head and his emotions and he deserved better.
So in tonight’s episode Rory climbed up to Dean’s window and she apologized to him and told him how he was right about everything that he said to her, and that she treated him so badly. She told him that she really did love him and she hopes that he can believe it. And she said so much more.
I'm not sure why she did that. Was it to let him know that she was sorry and that she really did love him? Or was it to help clear her conscience and remind herself that she was sorry for all that she did and that she really did love him? Was it to try to get him to forgive her? Or was it a desperate attempt to help her forgive herself?
I'm not sure why I did it. I'm not sure if it was to really get him to believe that I was sorry for what I did to him and to get him to believe that I really did love him and what we had really did mean something to me. And I'm not sure if it was to get him to forgive me, or to get me to forgive myself.
But I do know that he has forgiven me.
But I still don't know if I've forgiven myself.
But I really did love him. I don’t know whether he not believes it, but I did love him.
He was amazing and he treated me like I was.
But I wasn’t.
He deserved so much better than me.
He loved me and I was horrible.
I broke up with him…twice...because he deserved better.
I was so horrible. I cheated on him, I yo-yo’ed his emotions and so much other crap. But he stuck around through it all, didn’t give up on me when any other guy would have. That’s how I know his love was real.
I’ve been thinking about him a lot recently, but no matter how much I think about him and everything I still can’t my thoughts sorted out.
I miss him.
Part of me still cares for him.
But does part of me want him back? I don’t know. Maybe.
I was supposed to hang out with him today, but he cancelled because he had to help his mom pack and whatnot, so we’re supposed to hang out on Saturday…and I’m extremely nervous about that. Like I said, I still haven’t sorted my thoughts out and I most definitely haven’t sorted my feelings out.
The last time I saw him, over winter break, we were supposed to “hang out just as friends”. But then he kissed me. Then we did a lot of kissing and cuddling on the couch, but then in my head I kind of freaked out and then I kicked him out and I haven’t really seen him since that.
So I’m kind of worried that we’re going to see each other and all those feelings are going to be there again and we’re going to give in to those feelings.
What then?
I mean, would it be so bad if we gave in to those feelings, if we went down that road again and tried to give it another chance?
Maybe.
But, maybe not.
I really don’t know.
Part of me does want to, part of me believes that we could be something great.
But then, another part of me doesn’t want to. But is that because I know better and I know that things can’t work out and we’d just be causing ourselves unneeded pain and frustration? Or, is it because I’m just scared? Is it that I’m scared of loving him, scared of letting myself be loved by him? Am I scared to really open myself up to a guy like that and be so completely exposed and vulnerable to him? Am I scared that I’m just going to get hurt?
Am I just scared?
I ask this question when I know I already know the answer…yes, of course I’m scared. I’m freaking terrified.
…everything with my dad really has scarred me. It has honestly made me wary of trusting guys. It’s definitely made a part of me believe that guys will just end up hurting me.
So I don’t know. I really don’t. I’m incredibly confused at this point.
A friend of mine told me that if we love each other then everything else shouldn’t matter and that we should try it again. That we owe it to ourselves, to our love, to try and make it work and maybe it will and maybe it’ll be great.
But I still don’t know.
Even if we wanted to, could we? Or is it too late?
No one knows.
But what I do know is that everything happens for a reason, and that right there gives me what I need to not regret anything that has happened thus far. Well, that and believing that you shouldn’t regret things because at one point it’s what you wanted.
It’s now 4 A.M. and I’m not even sure if this post makes any sense whatsoever, so I’m going to call it a night before I say anything else stupid.
I’ve still got a lot of thinking to do.