Letters To Emily
Title: Letters To Emily
Fandom: Skins/AU
Pairing: Naomi/Emily
Rating: T/Some M
Word Count: 4,277
Part: 14/18
12 June 2009
Emily,
Would you believe this is actually the first letter I’ve ever written? Everything is email and texts nowadays. So that being said I don’t really know how to go about this the right way.
I guess what I wanted to say is simple enough though. I fucked up.
Other than that...
Sorry
Naomi
Katie’s POV:
I slide in the front door trying not to make any noise. It’s well into the morning, around 11 o’clock at least, so Mum should already be gone to work, that is, unless she noticed I was gone last night. If she did then she’s probably here now and ready to give me hell. I slip off my heels and lay them next to the door so I won’t make any noise when I climb the stairs. The house sounds quiet and still, empty and I let out a sigh of relief.
I open the door to my room and shut it behind me.
“Hi Katie.” I spin around at the voice to find Emily sitting on her bed. I grab at my chest because she just like gave me a complete fucking heart attack. It’s been about a week since she’s even been in here and it strikes me that she looks a bit out of place now. I’ve strewn my clothes and shit about the room and some of it ended up on her bed. She’s sitting next to a short skirt that used to be hers, something else I had taken from her.
I walk over and sit on my bed, “Hi Ems. It’s good to have you back.” I mean it. I thought when she left the club last night that she was mad at me again and the shaky truce we’d laid down yesterday had been shattered. It’s good to see her sitting here waiting on me to sneak in; it makes it feel like old times. It gives me hope that maybe things can go back to normal.
I get up and walk over to my wardrobe, unbuttoning my top as I go. Of course I’d looked well lush in it but it did make it a bit hard to breathe. I slip it off my shoulders and reach for an old purple T-shirt crumpled at the bottom of the wardrobe. I hear Emily shift on her bed and then she says to my back, “He likes me.”
I spin around to look at her because really, what the fuck? Her eyes are starting to tear up and I ask the only question I can think of, “What?”
She only murmurs it again and lowers her gaze to her lap where her hands are squeezed together. I can see that her fingers are starting to turn a bit white that she’s squeezing so hard. I cross the room to squat in front of her, willing her to meet my eyes which she does a moment later.
Like it’s a secret she whispers, “I fucked J.J.” Her voice is raw and painful.
I pull back a bit because that’s probably the last thing I would’ve expected to hear her say. I want to ask her questions like, What about that whole gay thing? Or more unexpected and important, What about Naomi? I don’t even know why I give a fuck about her but it did seem like Emily had cared. I want to know why she tore up our whole family if she was just going to go out and fuck guys anyways.
My mouth is open ready to say God knows what but Emily beats me to it, “He likes me and he wants to take me on a date. A fucking date, Katie.”
Suddenly she bursts out into tears like that’s what broke her or something. She reaches for me blindly and pulls me into a hug. Her fingernails dig into the skin on my shoulder and I wince but just pull her all the tighter. As she sobs into my neck and I rub her back, consoling her even though I don’t know the reason. I realize that I was an idiot to assume things could ever be the same….things will never be normal.
16 June 2009
Emily,
Well I think I made a mess of the first letter so I’m going to try and do better this time. I guess first I’d better explain a little bit about why I left you that day. It’s going to be hard so please bear with me. Honestly, I’d love to have a great, beautiful, self-sacrificing excuse…something like “I didn’t want to separate you from your family…” Or something like that. But to be honest, I don’t. The truth is Emily, I was scared shitless. I know that’s not something that can take away what I’ve done. You told me you loved me and I felt myself pull away without much reason. Needing someone, wanting someone, loving someone… scares me to death. Whether you’re reading these notes or just throwing them straight in the bin, I don’t know, but I figured that you at least deserved to know that these words come from me, even if they’re a bit late, being with you made me feel vulnerable and at the same time invincible. I know it’s a bit weird but that’s the only way to describe it. You see, Emily, if you don’t have anything…anyone…then nothing can be taken away from you. You can’t lose the people you love if there’s no one there to begin with. Those probably aren’t the answers you need but those are the only ones I’ve got.
I’ll never stop regretting what I did but maybe, just maybe someday I’ll get to say those three words to your face.
Love,
Naomi
Freddie’s POV:
I finish and bite almost clear through my lip to hold back my groan. It’s been days and each time she tries to hold me afterwards, tries to meld her body with mine. Tries to be mine and everyday I shrug it off, stiffen up because really I’m not hers and that’s the fucking problem.
But today is different. She doesn’t collapse on my chest and gently kiss my neck. She doesn’t burrow into my side and hold me like I’m a lifeline. This time she rolls off me and starts pulling on her shirt. I watch with heavy eyes as she pulls her skirt up and slides her high heels on. Instead of caring or trying to make her stay I reach over to the ashtray where we layed my spliff before we began. I fumble around in the couch until I find the lighter then light the spliff back up. I sigh in relief as I pull in a ridiculously large hit. As I puff it out, she turns to look at me.
“We…it’s not...” she sighs like the words are there but they won’t come out. I’m kind of glad they won’t. I don’t want this, feelings. I can’t take them anymore. She shrugs like that should be enough to tell me what she meant in the first place and leans down to place a kiss on my forehead. I want to tell her not to because her red lipstick always leaves a mark. We don’t kiss when we fuck so I know its still on her lips but now it’s probably on my fucking forehead. Her lips linger and I understand that maybe I should just give her this one thing. I’ll let her leave this one mark on me. Lipstick on my forehead as a reminder because this sure as hell feels like a goodbye.
I know I’m right when she pulls away and gives a sad smile as she walks out the door. I watch her go and take another hit of my spliff.
Through the smoke I see the door shut with a bit of a slam and maybe she’s pissed but I can’t bring myself to care. I open my mouth and speak even though the shed is empty…maybe that’s all I have now anyways is the emptiness
“Bye Katie.”
Effy’s POV:
Cook groans on top of me and his sweaty body falls on top of mine. I want to tell him that I can’t breathe properly…that he’s crushing me. That they’re all fucking crushing me. Freddie with all his words and touches and fucking feelings. Cook with his laugh and his fucking grin and the way he just feels like a good fuck. They all just close in on me and leave me breathless. I’m not in control. I’m not me.
I push at his shoulder but he doesn’t move. Instead he stays on top and I can feel his heavy breathing in my ear. Suddenly, I want to be anywhere else. I want to be somebody else. Weightless, air. Untouchable. Never here, never there but everywhere.
I push at Cook again and gasp out, “Move then you fucking tosser.” I feel Cook’s chuckle as well as hear it. His whole body jiggles on top of mine and it feels almost like a crude imitation of what we were doing moments earlier.
He finally rolls off me and before I even turn my head he’s already reaching for his shirt. I pull the covers up to my neck because for some reason after we’ve got it out, fucked insanely, I don’t want him to see me…or touch me. He pulls on his T-shirt that’s got a huge stain on the front and then he’s standing up and pulling up his pants. I close my eyes because the same thing works for him, after we’re done, I don’t want to see him.
I don’t hear the door open and close like it normally does so I open my eyes slowly. Cook is looking down at me with a funny expression on his face.
“What are you looking at?” I narrow my eyes just so he knows that right now he’s definitely not welcome.
A snort that doesn’t really sound like a laugh comes from Cook’s throat and he asks, “Talked to Freds?”
I shake my head and turn away so he can’t see my eyes tear up, “Oh that’s fucked up…why the hell would you ask me about that?”
Cook sits down on the edge of the bed and his back is to me so it’s fine if I look now. He shrugs his shoulders quickly, almost like a twitch, “Dunno…he’s my best mate you know?”
I sit up keeping the covers to my neck, “Yeah and you just fucked me…his fucking girlfriend. Real best mate you are.”
Cook turns back to me, “Ex-girlfriend. He fucking left you didn’t he?”
“Get out Cook. I mean it now.”
He sighs like it’s all a fucking kids’ game that he’s getting tired of and then walks to my door. On the way out I hear him murmur, “Don’t worry Ef, he left me too.”
True it’s been days since I’ve seen Freddie. I figure he’ll give me a fucking look and I’ll feel like the piece of shit that I am. So it’s only after I shower that I feel my feet take me to where I’ve been longing to go all week. I know the way. I spent almost every day there once upon a time. When things were good, when they were fun, before he loved me.
I round the corner of the house, don’t even bother going inside because I’ve never come round to find him in his actual home…no he likes his shed. I step quickly through the garden. I don’t know what I’m going to say or do. What I can do. I don’t know if there are any words to make right what I’ve done. I’m not even sure I want him back but I do want to just see him. I want to touch his cheek and have him smile at me like he used to. I want his rough thumb rubbing the back of my hand. Little things I miss, that I never knew were there in the first place.
Just as I near the shed she walks out. She doesn’t see me at first because she’s straightening her fucking hair. It’s well out of place and suddenly I know. Because he used to run his hands through my fucking hair, not hers.
“Katie.” Just her name. It’s enough. She looks up, startled and there’s that guilty look that I’ve been so familiar with. I know because I used to feel like wearing it.
I want to reach out and grab her, shake that fucking look off her face because I know what it means. It means she’s been touching someone that should be mine. She’s touched the corners of his mouth and he’s probably kissed that spot right below her ear like he used to do with me.
Katie’s eyes are wild, “Effy, I just…I mean I wanted…I thought it would be, like different you know? Someone better, loving.”
I don’t know what the fuck she’s on about so I just jerk my head towards the alleyway near his house. “They keep the trash out that way, you know?” I’m inches away from letting go of my cool and pounding on her fucking face and she must know it because I actually see Katie slink off. It’s in that moment that she looks the most like Emily that I’ve ever seen her look.
She walks quickly away from me and a second later I can hear her heels clicking hollowly on the asphalt. With a hand that’s shaking I reach forward and push the shed door open. There he is. Laying on his couch with just his boxers on. A spliff in hand and lipstick on his fucking forehead.
He sits up quickly on the couch, dropping the spliff in his lap and then he’s fumbling with it to keep himself from getting burned. I watch him for just a moment until he finally finds the spliff and picks it up. His hair is disarrayed and he looks up at me with his fucking eyes the ones that told me he loved me, the ones that said he cared and he can’t do this to me right now.
“I fucking hate you.” I say. Then I turn and run.
20 June 2009
Emily,
Well you haven’t really answered any of my letters so I’m guessing that you probably aren’t even reading them. If it’s alright I’ll keep writing them. Lately I’ve been getting this tightening feeling in my chest and for a second I feel like a can’t breathe and I think in those moments that if I could just talk to you or look at you then maybe air would somehow find its way into my lungs again. So even though you’re not answering. Doing this. Writing these fucking words on a page is basically the best I’ve got right now.
I saw a girl that looked like you today. I only saw her from behind at first but she was rushing away from me in the crowd and she had your hair so I followed her, practically running down the street after this girl. Followed her all the way to the tube but the doors shut before I could get on and she turned around to look out the window and she wasn’t you.
I went to the bathroom in the tube station and cried.
I miss you,
Naomi
J.J’s POV:
I’m walking next to Emily but I’m having to count the lines in the sidewalk because I’m seconds away from getting locked on. This isn’t how things are supposed to be between Emily and me. She’s always made me feel calm and like she’s easy to talk to but tonight, the date I’d stupidly asked her on(because isn’t that what your supposed to do if you’re shagging someone?) anyways, it couldn’t possibly be more awkward.
Mum had been so happy I was going on a date. She’d helped me pick out my clothes and kissed my cheek and gave me some money, telling me that gentlemen always paid for the lady. I wonder what she would say if she knew Emily had professed to be gay and then had sex with me. I wonder what Mum would say if she knew Emily had cried that night but she’d tried to hide it by turning her face to the pillow.
I’d told Cook. He’d pounded me on the back and cheered that I’d finally “turned into a man.” I figured once I was a man I’d know what to do. I’d be someone who could wear a suit and tie without looking like I was borrowing my dad’s clothes. I thought I’d be someone who could reach for Emily’s hand without almost having a panic attack.
We reach Emily’s house and I know this is the end of the date but I’m not sure where we’re going to go from here. Somehow between the fucking and the stupid movie we saw, we’ve turned into different people. Emily turns to look at me and she’s illuminated by a streetlamp and it occurs to me that even though she’s been my best mate since primary, I’ve never realized how staggering she is.
I surprise myself and actually reach for her hand. I know mine is sweaty but Emily doesn’t pull away. She smiles a bit sadly down at our fingers that are tangled together. Then she looks up at me with a sick twisted look on her face, one that I don’t like seeing.
“You like me, don’t you J.J?”
I do…don’t I? “Yeah, I mean I think I do. You’re nice.” I want to slap myself. That was a retard answer.
She leans over and kisses me gently on the lips and I want to deepen it and pull her closer but I don’t think this is the right time.
I wrap my arms around her and pull her into a hug and she just sort of sighs and wraps her arms around my back, pulling me tight, a bit too tight and it’s a little hard to breathe but I’m okay with that right now.
“Do you want to be my girlfriend?” She stiffens in my arms and that probably wasn’t the right thing to ask but…isn’t that how things work? I like her. We had sex. We went on a date. It all adds up to a girlfriend.
Emily pulls away from my hug and stares at me for quite some time and I’m preparing myself for a no but instead she just nods quickly. She puts her hand to my cheek and just rests it there for a second.
“Please don’t hurt me. I couldn’t take it. I trust you.” Then she turns and walks into her house.
I only realize after she’s left that I should have told her that I need to be more worried about her hurting me than the other way round. I’d never hurt her.
30 June 2009
Emily,
So Da called yesterday. His girlfriend is pregnant and they’re going to get married. So it turns out I’m going to have a brother or sister sometime. Mum cried for an hour after the call and when I tried to hug her she just said, “He’s happy but it’s not with me.” I told her “You mean not with us.” Because really he left me too. Well that just made her cry harder but that time I let myself cry with her.
I guess when you lose the person you love it never stops hurting does it?
I know I said it’s ok if you don’t write me back but now I’m asking. Please? Please just talk to me or just let me know that you’re still out there. That I didn’t just imagine how happy I was with you.
Just so you know, I count the days, hours that we’ve not been together. I tried to stop because it hurts too much to think about but I just can’t.
Naomi
Emily’s POV
I slide in the front door and try to quietly click it shut behind me.
“Emily is that you?” Mum comes walking out of the kitchen. She doesn’t fuss at me for being late and she looks almost happy when she asks, “Were you out with J.J?”
I nod my head numbly and Mum kisses the top of my head, “I told you it was just a faze. Aren’t you glad that things are back to normal?”
I don’t answer her but I just step out of her embrace and walk up the stairs. When I get into our room, Katie looks up from her laptop and smiles at me. “You’re home early.”
I sit on the edge of my bed and start taking off my shoes. She sets aside her laptop and asks, “Didn’t feel like sleeping with J.J. tonight then?”
“I fucked him but I don’t like sleeping with him.”
“What?”
I lie back on my bed as soon as my shoes are off and cover my eyes with my hands because I don’t want her to see the tears, “I don’t like sleeping with him. The fucking is easy but afterwards he tries to hold me and I just…I can’t.”
Katie stands up and looks down at me angrily, “I thought you were happy.”
I remove my hands so she can see that my eyes have tears in them, “But Katie, I am happy. You and Mum got what you wanted. I have someone who actually cares about me. I fucking fine and dandy.”
Katie’s POV:
I slam the door of our room as I leave Emily to cry in her bed. She’s going to snap J.J’s heart if she keeps this up. For a week or so I actually thought that maybe she could be happy with him. I thought she’d be ok but she’s not.
I walk downstairs to get a drink of water or something because for some reason I feel like I might be sick. That’s when I see Mum reading a letter that when she sees me walking in she immediately folds it right back up and puts it in a box that is sitting next to her.
I lean against the doorframe and watch as she takes a sip of the red wine she has sitting next to her, “What’s that then?”
Mum nudges the box with the back of her hand, “That girl has been writing letters to Emily.”
It’s a good thing I’m leaning on the door. “What? And you’ve just been keeping them?”
Mum puts down the wine and I see her hand is shaking a bit, “It’s easy to make the bad guy in this situation Katie. But I caught them on my couch and….” She clears her throat but it looks like she might cry, “I didn’t even know that Emily…I just didn’t know my own daughter. It was just so….well anyways, I threw the first ones away. Didn’t look at them. I didn’t want to. But then out of curiosity I opened one and read it and then I just couldn’t do it anymore.”
She looks away from me and swallows and I ask, “How many have there been?”
“Now there are twenty five in this box but I threw away five.”
I’m sure my mouth almost drops to the floor, “She’s written every day for like a month and you haven’t said anything to Emily about it?”
Mum rests her head in her hands. “I don’t know what to do. I love her so much but I just don’t know.”
That’s when my mum starts to cry.
Effy’s POV:
Someone is pounding on the door. They’ve been at it for a bit but I couldn’t find the will to get up. The room spins for a second when I finally do stand up but that’s probably from the pills and booze that I took last night. I stumble down the stairs and hear my mum snoring happily away in the living room while someone is knocking down our front door.
I open the door and Katie Fitch is standing there looking up at me.
I immediately try to close it.
“Fuck it…Effy.” I hear her say and she pushes her body in the crack so I can’t close it. I can’t see much of her, just an arm and the foot that she shoved in the door. I’m tempted to just push as hard as I can on the door until they pop off.
I probably am about to do something that mad until with a mighty shove she gets it open. I stumble backwards because really I had no idea that Katie was that strong. With the door open I see her panting a bit and she must see the shock on my face.
She shakes her head, “Whenever we were bad. Dad used to make us to push-ups and pull-ups like as punishment.”
I tilt my head back because we are absolutely not going to have a conversation and pretend like everything is okay, “What do you want Katie?”
Katie shrugs and then blows a bit of hair out of her face, “Look…I know I fucked everything up okay? I get it. But I’m tired of sitting around watching you all hurt and being just saddos alright? So I came to fix it.”
I shake my head at her, “You can’t. And besides you’re the one who fucked it all up in the first place.”
With a quirk of an eyebrow she says, “Really? I did it all on my own, Ef?”
I want to smack her in the face for being right. “Please just leave Katie.”
“He was thinking of you, Effy.”
“What?”
She looks at the ground, “When he was fucking me. He was thinking of you.”
“What? Why on earth would you tell me that?”
When she finally meets my eyes I see that she looks upset, like she could cry, “Because I would’ve given anything to have him thinking of me.”
She turns to walk away but I shout after her, “Where are you going?”
“To fix more things.”
I look back at my mess of a house and sigh because things haven’t been fixed in a long time but maybe its time I started trying.
“I’ll come with you.”